Wedding Invitation Wording

[design_mom]

I agree with the general thought that it is the hosts' choice whom to invite, and it probably had to do with budget as much as anything. But I also empathize with the OP. If my kids were the only two excluded from a family wedding, I'd be disappointed. I'd also be a little perturbed that I was close enough to the "action" to be hosting a shower but nobody mentioned the 'no kids' plans until the wedding invitation arrived. (They are not *required* to, of course, but it would have been nice to have a heads up considering that all the other cousins are included except the OP's.)

OP, assuming you're close with your sibling who is the groom's parent and feel you can do so non-judgementally, I might clarify the invitation. Not to ask "why wasn't Joey included?" but to make sure you understood correctly. If you understood it correctly, then you can decide to go or not go. But either way, if it's a "no kids" wedding, I would not take a child as your +1.

We're invited to a wedding next month. Everything I've heard about it leads me to believe that it's going to be a formal affair (very nice venue, etc.) We got the formal invitation last week and there was no inside envelope at all and the outer envelope was just addressed to "the Lastnames". The response card said "We've reserved 4 seats for you." so I feel confident the kids are included, but the way of communicating it seems to be changing.

 

[Art 1]

Not sure why so many want to take their children to a wedding. Isn't it nice to go out with just adults every once in a while?

 

[deedeetoo]

When our children were younger we turned down an invitation to a niece's wedding because children weren't invited but there was no drama about it. The wedding was in the evening, three hours away from our house. They had arranged a group rate at a local hotel for everyone to stay the night after the reception. We couldn't figure out how to make this work. We would either have to get a babysitter to stay about 24 hours with the kids at home (approx. noon to noon), or we would have to take the kids with us and get a baby sitter through the hotel for the time we were at the wedding and reception. Neither option appealed to us so we declined. The bride understood.

 

[SirDuff]

When our children were younger we turned down an invitation to a niece's wedding because children weren't invited but there was no drama about it. The wedding was in the evening, three hours away from our house. They had arranged a group rate at a local hotel for everyone to stay the night after the reception. We couldn't figure out how to make this work. We would either have to get a babysitter to stay about 24 hours with the kids at home (approx. noon to noon), or we would have to take the kids with us and get a baby sitter through the hotel for the time we were at the wedding and reception. Neither option appealed to us so we declined. The bride understood.

Which is as it should be. Bride/groom invite who they would like to invite (based on whatever rules they want). People choose to come/decline (based on whatever rules they want). And neither side gets upset by the other.

 

[4under4]

I did two receptions... cake and punch for all at my parents church (family, friends, kids, church members, neighbors, etc.) But then limited dinner & dancing to close family and friends. I didn't invite kids to the second reception with the exception of my 16 step sister and 8 year old half brother. I made all this clear to anyone invited to the dinner. My cousin put me on the spot in the receiving line with the "We couldn't get a sitter, so dh is planning to take them home and skip the dinner reception unless of course..." I was so caught off guard I mumbled an "oh um well ok" and I can't tell you how much I regretted it! The kids were well behaved, but I just felt embarrassed all night wondering if the other parents were thinking "why weren't my kids invited?"

 

[CdnCarrie]

My take on the subject is that you don't invite part of the family and not the others. Twenty years later you may not remember half the adults you invited to your wedding - former coworkers, old college friends, etc. But your cousin will still be your cousin.
Family comes first. Doesn't mean you invite everyone's kids. You don't need to ask your old high school buddy's 5 year old. But grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins are invited. I mean unless you have 60 of them.

 

[bethy]

We're invited to a wedding next month. Everything I've heard about it leads me to believe that it's going to be a formal affair (very nice venue, etc.) We got the formal invitation last week and there was no inside envelope at all and the outer envelope was just addressed to "the Lastnames". The response card said "We've reserved 4 seats for you." so I feel confident the kids are included, but the way of communicating it seems to be changing.

I agree about the wedding etiquette changing in a big way. We were in a holding pattern for years where all our friends were married and no one had kids old enough to get married, etc. And there weren't really any second weddings, etc.

Anyway, my niece is getting married in 2 weeks - the first family wedding on that side since our wedding 20 years ago! It has been so interesting to see how differently weddings are handled in this new era of technology and social media. Also we are on the West Coast and this family is in a rural town and they don't do much entertaining.

For example, the RSVP for the wedding was online. But what I've also found is that they don't really have a lot of experience or intuition as far as how to plan an event and how to communicate to people. Get this: there were NO LAST NAMES anywhere on the invite! Just the bride and groom's first names. Including on the return address labels and everything. Just "Sally and Bob". No parent's names or anything.

They are having a larger and fairly expensive wedding (but with no wedding planner it seems). So I had to chuckle and wonder if some of the out of town guests might wonder who the bride and groom even were and who the family was, lol!

OP, what I'm trying to say is in this case there is a small possibility that they just didn't really know how to properly communicate the invite. But I would most definitely NOT inquire about at the bridal shower. Do it privately. Do not put the bride and her family on the spot.

Also, where we live children are nearly always invited to weddings. The wedding budget items are adjusted accordingly to accommodate those numbers. Meaning, they opt for a lower cost per head to accommodate the children.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think I just received the strangest wedding invite ever. My DD20 has been friends with a young lady since they were in grade school. They got very close during middle school. We pretty much refer to this friend as our third child and her family feels the same about our daughter.

The friend's older sister is getting married in September. I used to drive all three girls to school and know the sister pretty well. My DD was asked to be a gift attendant for the wedding. DD and I have attended a shower for her. Since I was invited to the shower, I presumed we'd be invited to the wedding. We just received the invitation. DD and I have been invited to the wedding; no plus one for her and my husband was not invited. My DH is thrilled. I thought it was a bit weird. DD isn't currently dating anyone so it's not that big of a deal. However, I am sure Emily Post would have a field day with this.

I am sure most of the reason is cost concerns and the fact that the bride barely knows my DH. My DD was a little put out when we mentioned that this situation was strange, etiquette wise. I really don't care and will happily go celebrate their marriage.

I do not think that is all that unusual--even on the DIS I recall another thread a couple of years ago where the mother and teen daughter were invited but not the husband who really did not know the couple and I have seen similar things done several times. Neither you nor your DD is being asked to attend "alone" since you will have each other, which is really what the "and guest" thing is all about, getting rid of that feeling of unease for those invied, and this lets more of the cost or space limitation be allocated to people who really care. Sounds like a win-win to me (and I see that you were NOT complaining at all, just commenting, just pointing out why it is a good way to handle things overall).

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP. I am in the camp of bringing it up nicely, NOT at the shower and not in any way in a blaming way--just to confirm that no one is assuming that your kids will be there (but expect that it is very possible they are not invited and be ready to be gracious when you hear that).
Personally, I would not miss a wedding of someone I care about "on principal" -- which is what skipping this one so that a 14 year old does not have to stay home without you would be--but that is your call.

My take on the subject is that you don't invite part of the family and not the others. Twenty years later you may not remember half the adults you invited to your wedding - former coworkers, old college friends, etc. But your cousin will still be your cousin.
Family comes first. Doesn't mean you invite everyone's kids. You don't need to ask your old high school buddy's 5 year old. But grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins are invited. I mean unless you have 60 of them.

I find this odd. There are tons of events that various members of our family get invited to all the time which do not include all of us. Anything from birthday parties or dinners out to weddings might be examples.

And, how does that change if there are "60 of them?" DH has 50ish cousins. He could not name them all if his life depended on it. Some lived locally and he saw them often growing up, other he would never recognize. Were we required to invite all of them? and as he is one of the youngest in the family, if we were and you have to invite all of a family, then were we required to invite all of their spouses and kids too? Or, if we chose not to invite the people DH basically did not know, who were cousins, did that mean we could not invite the cousins he was close to?
The whole hard and fast rule thing is just so silly.

As was, we invited about 75 people, most of which were his larger family. We sent invites to all the aunts and uncles and to the cousins he knew well. One aunt came from out of state with her adult son, his wife and their two kids. My aunt had done the food for us and the count was not that important so it was not an issue at all. but I suppose at a more formal catered event it would have been to have 4 extra people whom we were not expecting. I remember that I had forgotten the names by the time we left the venue and asked DH--he told me he had no idea and could not recall having ever met this cousin before (he was a good 20 years older than DH so probably never hung out with the "kids" the fw times DH might have been at a gathering that involved both of them as he grew up.

 

[indimom]

My take on the subject is that you don't invite part of the family and not the others. Twenty years later you may not remember half the adults you invited to your wedding - former coworkers, old college friends, etc. But your cousin will still be your cousin.
Family comes first. Doesn't mean you invite everyone's kids. You don't need to ask your old high school buddy's 5 year old. But grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins are invited. I mean unless you have 60 of them.

It's not that uncommon to have 60 of them. We certainly did. (And for this rural, farming, primarily Catholic community of the time, we had SMALL families. lol) But, throwing around cutoff numbers just makes this more difficult to manage, is 58 acceptable? Everyone's number is going to be different...
As it happens 20 years ago in our rural community, it wasn't ridiculously expensive to host 300 people at a large venue, so we did invite them ALL.
We even gave coworkers a +1, although very few took advantage of it, they just came as a group and settled in together.
But with the costs of weddings today, and the style of some of these venues, I certainly wouldn't be surprised or care if my children were not on an invitation.

I find this odd. There are tons of events that various members of our family get invited to all the time which do not include all of us. Anything from birthday parties or dinners out to weddings might be examples. And, how does that change if there are "60 of them?" DH has 50ish cousins. He could not name them all if his life depended on it. Some lived locally and he saw them often growing up, other he would never recognize. Were we required to invite all of them? and as he is one of the youngest in the family, if we were and you have to invite all of a family, then were we required to invite all of their spouses and kids too? Or, if we chose not to invite the people DH basically did not know, who were cousins, did that mean we could not invite the cousins he was close to?
The whole hard and fast rule thing is just so silly.

As was, we invited about 75 people, most of which were his larger family. We sent invites to all the aunts and uncles and to the cousins he knew well. One aunt came from out of state with her adult son, his wife and their two kids. My aunt had done the food for us and the count was not that important so it was not an issue at all. but I suppose at a more formal catered event it would have been to have 4 extra people whom we were not expecting. I remember that I had forgotten the names by the time we left the venue and asked DH--he told me he had no idea and could not recall having ever met this cousin before (he was a good 20 years older than DH so probably never hung out with the "kids" the fw times DH might have been at a gathering that involved both of them as he grew up.

I had to laugh at this comment. I'm a nurse on a surgical floor. Just a couple weeks ago, I had a patient with the same name as my uncle. It's a somewhat common last name around here, but even the first name was the same. I even commented on it. Hours later, his mother came to visit: My aunt, who I recognized immediately. OY, my patient was my cousin, and we didn't recognize each other at all. Even though we both still live within an hour of each other, he's at least 15 years my senior and we haven't seen each other in 20+ years. We were both a little embarrassed, but this just brought home that sometimes family isn't that close. I have a friend that I've known since kindergarten, I "know where the bodies are buried" with this friend. I've cared for her kids, cried with her, laughed with her, washed her dishes, etc... Should I really choose my cousin and his family over this friend and her family when hosting a major life event? I don't think so.

OP, I do think you should clarify the invite, politely. And once you understand their intentions, decide what works for you, without malice. Don't worry about it and don't make it out to be more than it is.

 

[footballmouse]

I think I am going to decline. I would love to back out on the shower also but I already told my other sisters that I would contribute and I have my list of what I am responsible for so I will follow through with that. My 16 yr old could care less if he goes since he wouldn't be allowed to take his girlfriend so I'm not worried about that. I did ask my 14 yr old if he wanted to go, after I saw that he wasn't invited, and his response was "of course I want to go, why wouldn't I go to Nathan's wedding". This is his first cousin and he enjoys seeing his cousins (they are all males) and there are 12 of them, not 60 as someone mentioned. No big deal, just like other people have suggested about me not taking it personally, hopefully they won't either. I'm sure this will be the final straw that will make my sister not speak to me any longer, but oh well, she hasn't spoken to 3 out of 5 siblings in a year so not a big deal to me any more.

On a side note, I am attending a friend's wedding next month without my kids so I can do things without dragging my kids along. I would never have expected them to be invited to this wedding mainly because she's not family.

 

[Christine]

I think I just received the strangest wedding invite ever. My DD20 has been friends with a young lady since they were in grade school. They got very close during middle school. We pretty much refer to this friend as our third child and her family feels the same about our daughter.

The friend's older sister is getting married in September. I used to drive all three girls to school and know the sister pretty well. My DD was asked to be a gift attendant for the wedding. DD and I have attended a shower for her. Since I was invited to the shower, I presumed we'd be invited to the wedding. We just received the invitation. DD and I have been invited to the wedding; no plus one for her and my husband was not invited. My DH is thrilled. I thought it was a bit weird. DD isn't currently dating anyone so it's not that big of a deal. However, I am sure Emily Post would have a field day with this.

I am sure most of the reason is cost concerns and the fact that the bride barely knows my DH. My DD was a little put out when we mentioned that this situation was strange, etiquette wise. I really don't care and will happily go celebrate their marriage.

I agree that it's odd, probably due to cost, but totally appropriate given the relationship you have with this girl. Because it's both your and your DD attending, the bride didn't really have to fear that either one of you would be on your own at the wedding and "need" a plus-1. I think the harder ones to deal with are when the bride/groom are very cost conscious and invite their single friends and don't allow a plus-one. It can be kind of awkward for the guest. I know my friend's daughter was invited to one of these when she was about 25. She just got a single invite for a wedding about 3 hours away. She went, alone, and just dealt with the lone travel/hotel/sitting alone at the reception thing. She's social enough that she got through it but probably would have preferred a friend along.

 

[Christine]

I think I am going to decline. I would love to back out on the shower also but I already told my other sisters that I would contribute and I have my list of what I am responsible for so I will follow through with that. My 16 yr old could care less if he goes since he wouldn't be allowed to take his girlfriend so I'm not worried about that. I did ask my 14 yr old if he wanted to go, after I saw that he wasn't invited, and his response was "of course I want to go, why wouldn't I go to Nathan's wedding". This is his first cousin and he enjoys seeing his cousins (they are all males) and there are 12 of them, not 60 as someone mentioned. No big deal, just like other people have suggested about me not taking it personally, hopefully they won't either. I'm sure this will be the final straw that will make my sister not speak to me any longer, but oh well, she hasn't spoken to 3 out of 5 siblings in a year so not a big deal to me any more.

On a side note, I am attending a friend's wedding next month without my kids so I can do things without dragging my kids along. I would never have expected them to be invited to this wedding mainly because she's not family.

Here's my opinion on your younger son (and I get it because my kids were both excluded due to age and really wanted to see their family). So, since you were given a "plus one" and don't require a plus one, and your 16 year old doesn't care, I actually don't think there is anything wrong with asking if your 14 year old could be your plus one. There is a big difference between cutting the guest list for cost reasons at a certain age (thereby excluding your kids) and cutting the guest list at a certain age because the bride and groom DO.NOT.WANT.CHILDREN there. My coworker's son had an "adult only" reception which was clearly spelled out on the RSVP card so there was no question there.

In your case, it just seems there was an age cutoff due to the guest list size (I think). I would not use the shower as a venue to ask about this but I would definitely pick up the phone (or email) and ask the bride and groom. When you call or email, just cheerily say: Hey I'm getting ready to RSVP to your wedding and I don't have a date for myself. "Joey Son #2" would really love to come to the wedding but we weren't sure if he could due to his age, what do you think?"

 

[Lisaloo]

Can't the couple have a wedding without anyone getting their feathers ruffled? They don't want kids there. Why are your feelings about your children not being invited more important than the couples wish to not have children attend their wedding? I come from a huge family. Sometimes my kids are invited, sometimes they aren't. Sometimes the affair is so small DH and I aren't even invited. I don't ever take it personally because it isn't about me!

I would suggest not bringing it up at the shower. That day isn't about you either.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think I am going to decline. I would love to back out on the shower also but I already told my other sisters that I would contribute and I have my list of what I am responsible for so I will follow through with that. My 16 yr old could care less if he goes since he wouldn't be allowed to take his girlfriend so I'm not worried about that. I did ask my 14 yr old if he wanted to go, after I saw that he wasn't invited, and his response was "of course I want to go, why wouldn't I go to Nathan's wedding". This is his first cousin and he enjoys seeing his cousins (they are all males) and there are 12 of them, not 60 as someone mentioned. No big deal, just like other people have suggested about me not taking it personally, hopefully they won't either. I'm sure this will be the final straw that will make my sister not speak to me any longer, but oh well, she hasn't spoken to 3 out of 5 siblings in a year so not a big deal to me any more.

On a side note, I am attending a friend's wedding next month without my kids so I can do things without dragging my kids along. I would never have expected them to be invited to this wedding mainly because she's not family.

I am curious as to why you wish you could back out of the shower now? It sounds like you are harboring an awful lot of ill will about this and are taking it personally, in spite of what you say later in the comment.
I hope you can get over your anger and enjoy the shower.

 

[Art 1]

I think I am going to decline. I would love to back out on the shower also but I already told my other sisters that I would contribute and I have my list of what I am responsible for so I will follow through with that. My 16 yr old could care less if he goes since he wouldn't be allowed to take his girlfriend so I'm not worried about that. I did ask my 14 yr old if he wanted to go, after I saw that he wasn't invited, and his response was "of course I want to go, why wouldn't I go to Nathan's wedding". This is his first cousin and he enjoys seeing his cousins (they are all males) and there are 12 of them, not 60 as someone mentioned. No big deal, just like other people have suggested about me not taking it personally, hopefully they won't either. I'm sure this will be the final straw that will make my sister not speak to me any longer, but oh well, she hasn't spoken to 3 out of 5 siblings in a year so not a big deal to me any more.

On a side note, I am attending a friend's wedding next month without my kids so I can do things without dragging my kids along. I would never have expected them to be invited to this wedding mainly because she's not family.

You will be making a huge mistake by not attending.

 

[Kimberlyann11]

It really wouldn't hurt to ask (not at the shower - but at another time). At age 14, it's not like he's a little one who would be disruptive.

It's possible that they aren't doing an adults-only event, but that they thought that your boys wouldn't be interested in going to a wedding.

 

[sharona]

My mom is one of 12 siblings and i have 35 first cousins on that side of the family. My oldest uncle will be 80 this year and there is a big sparty planned for him next month. Because of the size of our family, and the venue, only aunts, uncles and first cousins are invited to the party. My DD12 is very close to some of my first cousins (who are much closer to her age than mine). She's disappointed to miss what will surely be a fun family event of course but I would never consider declining just because she's not invited. My main issue is that most of my babysitters will be at the party!

 

[teller80]

I think I am going to decline. I would love to back out on the shower also but I already told my other sisters that I would contribute and I have my list of what I am responsible for so I will follow through with that. My 16 yr old could care less if he goes since he wouldn't be allowed to take his girlfriend so I'm not worried about that. I did ask my 14 yr old if he wanted to go, after I saw that he wasn't invited, and his response was "of course I want to go, why wouldn't I go to Nathan's wedding". This is his first cousin and he enjoys seeing his cousins (they are all males) and there are 12 of them, not 60 as someone mentioned. No big deal, just like other people have suggested about me not taking it personally, hopefully they won't either. I'm sure this will be the final straw that will make my sister not speak to me any longer, but oh well, she hasn't spoken to 3 out of 5 siblings in a year so not a big deal to me any more.

On a side note, I am attending a friend's wedding next month without my kids so I can do things without dragging my kids along. I would never have expected them to be invited to this wedding mainly because she's not family.

I think by declining you'll be sending the wrong message to your sons. Show them what 'take the high road' means. Explain that the bride & groom had to make some tough choices (most likely based on cost), there was nothing malicious in not inviting him it's just the way it worked out. It happens, and you're sorry about it.

A suggestion though, can he attend the after party? (Assuming you live close enough to go home and get him, or his brother can give him a ride). I've went to several weddings where after the meal was done and the dancing started other people came, I imagine it was people the bride and groom knew casually and invited to come by later. (I have no idea if this is etiquette, but I had the impression that those invited weren't offended that they were only invited to the after party.)

 

[missbrooke06]

You will be making a huge mistake by not attending.

Why?