What Do You Say when Someone Makes an Issue of Your Disability?

[vhoffman]

I've had rheumatoid arthritis for over 20 years. One of the problems I have
to deal with is tacky, inappropriate remarks and nosy questions from strangers. I think most of you on this board have had similar experiences. The worst (in my opinion) are the belittling, patronizing remarks that masquarade as "concern" or "I'm just trying to be nice". The worst thing about such cracks are that you have no idea when and where they will happen.

Just today we had one such instance. Fortunately, the "nice" lady couldn't leave me alone and came back for round two, which gave me a chance to zing her back. We went out to eat. I was with my husband and two children. I walk with a cane, somewhat slowly, however, its nothing to generate comments. Well, when the hostess seated us, she patted me on the shoulder, talked to me in a patronizing tone and said "I hope I didn't make you too tired walking all this way". Actually, I wasn't acting "tired" or anything to generate such a remark and I felt she was making an unecessary issue out of my disability and calling attention to it. Well, as usual in such cirumstances, I was caught off gaurd and didn't have a comeback, so I just ignored her.

However, she couldn't leave the "poor little handicapped lady" alone. About halfway through the meal she came back and asked how evereything was, then said to me (while patting me on the shoulder) "I hope you're alright, honey". Well, this time I was ready for her. I said, "Don't you think you should sit down? You must be getting tired walking around the restaurant." She immediately acted offended (I guess turnabout isn't fair play!) then said (actually almost sputtered), "Well, that's my job" To which I replied "Perhaps you should take a break. After all, at your age, you really need to rest more. You poor thing!" Well, she hurried off and didn't bother us the rest of the meal. My 8 year old son said "You got her, Mom!". Well, what did I do, but display concern? After all, I was just trying to 'be nice'. That's the excuse I'm expected to swallow when people single me out to bellitle me for my disability, but most fail to realize nobody's perfect, I could single them out for a less than perfect characteristic and needle them for it.

Well, she made my day! I felt I turned the tables, and she didn't like it one bit! It doesn't always work out to my advantage. I was wondering if any others here on this board get the "I'm so concerned" act when they just want to go about their business, and if any of you have any stories similar to mine when you were able to turn then tables. Might be an interesting thread!

 

[3kidsmommy]

Oh yeah--we constantly get stares and rude comments about my autistic ds, Chandler. I even had one woman come up and tell me when he was having a meltdown that if I "spanked him a bit more instead of coddling him, he would behave better"!!!!! I have taken to carrying around business size cards that say he has autism and what it is. There is also a number on it for the Autism Society of America and the website information. The front of the card says, "I am not a bad boy, I am not a brat...I am just a child with a disability--I have autism! My parents are doing their best to see that I can understand everything that happens in thier world..." On the back is all the information about what autism is..reader's digest version, of course. When I don't have them available, I will tell anyone that to mind their OWN manners that THEY Are being rude by treating my son like a second class citizen. Thank goodness, I am raising my other 2 children to not treat anyone with disrespect.

 

[LisaBi]

I have taken to carrying around business size cards that say he has autism and what it is. There is also a number on it for the Autism Society of America and the website information. The front of the card says, "I am not a bad boy, I am not a brat...I am just a child with a disability--I have autism! My parents are doing their best to see that I can understand everything that happens in thier world..." On the back is all the information about what autism is..reader's digest version, of course.

Where do you get these? I'd think there would be a similar product for other disabilities (like Down Syndrome)? What a great idea!

OT - But I have to share. I get so tired of knowing people are staring (or worse), not knowing the situation, questioning why "those parents let that boy...." Well, our local high school wanted DS to be "honorary captain" at their home opener. They are doing a fund raiser called "First Downs for Downs." So he went out on the field before the game was introduced. It was so wonderful sitting there all night and knowing that people knew and weren't questioning his behavior or our parenting!

LisaB

 

[JenJen]

just like this post says. disABILITIES. IT is not about what you can't do but all the things you can do. OR you can always say what me DD says. "Take a picture it last much longer!
JenJen

 

[vhoffman]

For 3kidsmommy,

I'm glad your children know how to act and treat people with respect, disability or not. My two 8-year olds know how to act better than many adults. They never make rude comments, ask nosy questions, or just plain stare at people with disabilities. I've read other posts to the effect that some people with disabilities actually wonder why others don't ask about their disability. Well, perhaps society has changed since I was brought up. I was always taught it was rude to ask people any type of personal question, whether about a disability or anything else of a personal nature. If a person wants to volunteer such information then that's their choice. However, a person with a disability should be able to go about in public without feeling like a public exhibition. However, usually when someone wants to invade my privacy and make a public spectacle of me for their entertainment I don't have a comeback to put them in their place. It just felt good that today I was able to turn the tables on the obnoxious waitress. She was the one who went off feeling diminished, not me. Oh, well, takes all kinds!

Just last week my two children saw a man at the mall using a wheelchair having trouble with the automatic doors. He got "caught" between the two sets of doors. They went up and said "good afternoon, sir. Can we help push your wheelchair past the doors?" He couldn't talk, but nodded 'yes'. My kids didn't ask why he couldn't talk (after all, how could he answer?), helped him move his wheelchair while holding the doors, then said, "Have a nice day, sir". I was so proud of them both I could have cried. If only more adults knew how to act like children!

 

[barkley]

i have what many people refer to as a "hidden disability"-it's not visualy apparant. i have a disability placard for my car that i use on a regular basis. i have experienced many rude remarks and questions about my need or eligibility for it. one day my husband and 2 children were getting out of our car at the supermarket (in the marked parking place), a grandmotherly looking woman looked at me and said in a very loud voice "why are you parking there-you don't LOOK cripled. are you CRIPLED?". a number of people stopped dead in their tracks observing the scene she was making-i stayed calm and replied "no, i'm not cripled-i'm have a disability, and many disablilites not unlike common courtesy are not readily apparant". the woman turned white, then turned red as the crowd began clapping.

 

[Nanajo1]

i have what many people refer to as a "hidden disability"-it's not visualy apparant. i have a disability placard for my car that i use on a regular basis. i have experienced many rude remarks and questions about my need or eligibility for it. one day my husband and 2 children were getting out of our car at the supermarket (in the marked parking place), a grandmotherly looking woman looked at me and said in a very loud voice "why are you parking there-you don't LOOK cripled. are you CRIPLED?". a number of people stopped dead in their tracks observing the scene she was making-i stayed calm and replied "no, i'm not cripled-i'm have a disability, and many disablilites not unlike common courtesy are not readily apparant". the woman turned white, then turned red as the crowd began clapping.

Good Response. When I was still walking but using a H/P card to park I would get accosted by well meaning folks "reminding" me that I parked in a H/P spot. I would thank them for their concern and keep walking. I really hate confrontation because when it gets that far I lose it.

 

[Lives4Disney]

We returned a couple of weeks ago from a great stay at WDW, but one thing that I noticed BIG TIME were the stares my daughter received from adults! My daughter is visually impaired and uses her white cane at WDW. People would walk out of their way - I don't mean a few steps, but more like 20 feet, just to turn and watch her. WEIRD. We were waiting for an elevator at the GF, and a guest actually walked away from the concierge desk to stroll over take a look at my daughter from all angles and walk back to speak to the concierge. Literally, this woman circled her and walked away. She didn't even care that I was staring at her right back with a confused look on my face! This stuff would happen every day! We have been walking and had adults wave their hands a few feet in front of her face to see if she would notice! The first time this happened, we didn't even get it - we didn't even imagine people could be that obnoxious! After a couple times, it dawned on us that they could be.

I almost wanted to start my own thread regarding how do disabled people deal with the staring & rude behavior of others??!! My comfort is that due to the nature of her disability, she isn't aware that it is happening to her. I am, and it is just so surprisingly rude.

We did run into some kids that we all heard laughing and calling her an old grandma with a cane, but mostly it is the adults that are the starers. Kids wanting to look, I can understand - it is curiousity. Not a problem, but when adults think they have the right to just gawk.......

Luckily, other than the nasty kids saying the mean things, she has not been mistreated or looked down upon by anyone. I think my husband or her big brother would sock anyone that gave her grief. The nasty kids bothered her a bit, but she is very confident with a great attitude, and knows they are just that- "nasty kids".

I am sorry to hear how you other posters were treated. I am just shocked that there are so many stupid, ill mannered people around. Good for you all that gave it back to them. Maybe now they will realize how ignorantly they were behaving.

Lives4Disney

 

[momsgoofy]

Though, I do not have any diasabilities myself, I know many who do whom have encountered this. I am always amazed at the lack of manners and total disrespect people have in this world. One of my friends is Deaf-Blind and under the appropriate conditions is able to hear some with her high tech hearing aids and if close enough can see some images, but because of the "nasty people" she would not use her cane except at night. When I found this out I totally freaked thinking about her safety...thank goodness she started using it full-time again.

My dad is one of those with hidden disabilities, he has congestive heart disease, diabetes, pulmonary fibrosis, and osteoporosis and this year received his HC placard for his cars. For about 6 months he wasn't able to drive, so I took him everywhere. I know what a chore it is for him to walk sometimes so if he was tuckered I'd go get the vehicle (parked in the HC spot since he'd walked in with me from the lot) and boy did I get some stares. I just ignore them.

I really like the idea of the business cards for those nasty people or the response barkley gave to that person in the parking lot...unfortunately sometimes in today's society those nasty people can get even nastier.

OT...JenJen...I love your DD's costume!

 

[3kidsmommy]

LisaB---I found my first set of cards on Ebay, then just started making them myself. I just get the business cards from WalMart in the computer paper section and work on them until I am happy!
VHoffman---I think one reason my kids are very tolerant and know how to show respect is from having a special needs brother. I have taught them that it is fine to ask me in private about something they have seen, but to never point or stare and ask in public when they see something different. If they have real questions and we know the person, I encourage them to ask nicely. My 5th grader is a "buddy" to a child in the FMD room at her elementary school. The child she shadows is a 6 year old non-verbal child with multiple issues. Still, this child smiles every time Hannah goes near her. Hannah just loves that.

 

[vhoffman]

Here's another one--this summer we went to Houston for medical care for my son. He's not disabled, he has asthma and we see a speciality clinic there. Due to my disability, I ask for a handicapped accessible room (yes, I know, its a crime, isn't it?) We stayed at the SpringHill Suites, Marriott. They, like most other hotels in the area, give a discount to guests there for medical treatment, so, we were on the medical center discount.

We had several valid complaints about the room, mainly about dirty sheets. We actually found a clump of hairs and pieces of human feces in one of the blankets! Well, when we complained to the manager, she said "You're out until 10 pm and you're here on a medical center discount?" Well, yes, actually our appointment in the medical center didn't finish until about 6 pm then we went out to eat (that hotel doesn't have a restaurant). Like as though I have to explain my comings and goings like some little kid! Then she said "You look pretty healthy to me". She also had pulled up my records from past visits and noticed I had indicated a different medical facility than the one we indicated for the present visit. I again explained to her that the past visits I was there for medical care, and that visit I was there for medical care for my son, to which she replied "Strange, so many problems in one family". Well, I asked her just what does that have to do with flithy sheets in our room? Or are guests on the medical center discount not entitled to a clean room? I guess my disability was "hidden" , at least from her. I was standing at the desk and it wasn't apparent to her I have difficulty walking and use a cane. I pointed out to her that I have rheumatoid arthritis, then pulled out a bunch of receipts for medical bills for the past two days, both for me and my son. I asked her if that entitled us to a medical center discount and a clean room, to which she replied "If we can't satisfy you, I'll cancel your room and you can go elsewhere". Apparently one can't expect a clean room at this hotel, or at least not if one is on the medical center disocunt. And, yes, I did complain to Marriott Guest Relations, and they forwarded my complaint back to her, since she's the general manager of the hotel. Go figure! Apparently I didn't look "handicapped" enough!

 

[3kidsmommy]

UGH..RIDICULOUS!!! Some people ought to be hung up by their toenails from a fast spinning ceiling fan--maybe THAT would jiggle their brains to start working!

 

[Lives4Disney]

LisaB---I found my first set of cards on Ebay, then just started making them myself. I just get the business cards from WalMart in the computer paper section and work on them until I am happy!
VHoffman---I think one reason my kids are very tolerant and know how to show respect is from having a special needs brother. I have taught them that it is fine to ask me in private about something they have seen, but to never point or stare and ask in public when they see something different. If they have real questions and we know the person, I encourage them to ask nicely. My 5th grader is a "buddy" to a child in the FMD room at her elementary school. The child she shadows is a 6 year old non-verbal child with multiple issues. Still, this child smiles every time Hannah goes near her. Hannah just loves that.

ITA. That is great about your 5th grader and her buddy! Some kids just are never exposed to anyone with a disability.

Kids are curious about different things they see and that is just natural. My daughter has heard other kids ask their parents "Why does she use that?" (her white cane) and Lucy will speak up and nicely say "You should ask ME that question". She then goes on to explain her situation, show the kids the cane & how it folds and opens in such a cool way. Everyone is comfortable and put at ease. This happens so often and she has no problem explaining if someone is just curious. The first time she did that, I was so proud of her for so many reasons.

Lives4Disney

 

[6_Time_Momma]

I must be the only one who thinks diffeently here. I honestly think that the OP was inappropriately rude to the waitress. People don't act "patronizing" because they think less of the disabled. They do it becuause they don't know how they should react. People don't stare out of rudeness (usually).They stare out of a lack of knowledge. They aren't sure how to react.

It is our chance to then share and explain a situation....to promote an acceptance. To me, being rude is only creating more distance between disabled and abled. JMO.

 

[Mskanga]

I must be the only one who thinks diffeently here. I honestly think that the OP was inappropriately rude to the waitress.

No you are not the only one , I do too and I have had osteoarthritis for the last 20 years of my life too.
I honestly have never thought of OA as a disability , and believe me there are days where simple things as moving my neck or lifting my arms to do anything is a real challenge.
If you ask me , that waitress was being polite.

 

[vhoffman]

Well, here I go defending myself. I guess you had to have been there to appreciate the situation. The waitress didn't ask before seating us if it was too far to walk, just after we had been seated. Also, did you read my whole post, or just the parts that suit you? I said she talked in a patronizing tone, patted my shoulder (or perhaps you like strangers patting you?) and in genera treated me in a demeaning manner. However, it was the second time she came back (interrupting our meal) that irritated me enough to retaliate. But what did I really do? I just displayed concern for an obviously older lady on her feet so much. And I didn't pat or hug her or talk down to her like she was a child. I just displayed concern. What's so awful about that? Or I guess its ok for her to display concern, but not me?

I certainly can't speak for all disabled people, however, I don't like being singled out in public and put on the spot. I was rude? I only treated the waitress like she treated me. I really shouldn't be expected to spend part of my meal explaining myself to a waitress. The world will still continue to spin if she doesn't know every last detail of my medical history. Oh, and calling me "Honey" was acceptable?

 

[6_Time_Momma]

Well, here I go defending myself. I guess you had to have been there to appreciate the situation. The waitress didn't ask before seating us if it was too far to walk, just after we had been seated. Also, did you read my whole post, or just the parts that suit you? I said she talked in a patronizing tone, patted my shoulder (or perhaps you like strangers patting you?) and in genera treated me in a demeaning manner. However, it was the second time she came back (interrupting our meal) that irritated me enough to retaliate. But what did I really do? I just displayed concern for an obviously older lady on her feet so much. And I didn't pat or hug her or talk down to her like she was a child. I just displayed concern. What's so awful about that? Or I guess its ok for her to display concern, but not me?

I certainly can't speak for all disabled people, however, I don't like being singled out in public and put on the spot. I was rude? I only treated the waitress like she treated me.

Yes, I did read your whole post. (None of it "suited" me). I still say you were rude. You wern't showing concern. You already admitted you did it to "zing back at her". Even your 8 y.o recognized that you were getting even with her. So, yes, IMO you were rude.

As to defending yourself, you don't have to. You feel that you did the right thing. That should be all that matters. I feel differently.

 

[Lives4Disney]

I must be the only one who thinks diffeently here. I honestly think that the OP was inappropriately rude to the waitress. People don't act "patronizing" because they think less of the disabled. They do it becuause they don't know how they should react. People don't stare out of rudeness (usually).They stare out of a lack of knowledge. They aren't sure how to react.

It is our chance to then share and explain a situation....to promote an acceptance. To me, being rude is only creating more distance between disabled and abled. JMO.

Well, nobody was there except the OP, so we really don't know the whole situation. I agree there is no excuse for rudeness. That is why in my post I said I am so proud of my daughter for feeling comfortable explaining why she uses the white cane if somebody expresses curiousity. I do think it is rude for adults to go out of their way to obviously stare at disabled people. That is just odd, bad behavior. Nobody should be made a spectacle of.

When we were in Hawaii, I can't tell you how many sweet Hawaiian people in the shops, and museums, etc. ASKED what was wrong with my daugher's eyes and why she needs the cane. No problem. They did it in a respectful way. My daughter is very knowledgeable and actually enjoys explaining her vision problems. It does create acceptance and puts people at ease.

In my original post on this thread, I just chimed in because on our recent WDW trip, I REALLY could not believe how people feel so free to behave so badly. I DO think openly staring at ANYONE is poor manners. I saw adults go out of their way to STARE. I mean obviously WALK out of their way. I just thought it was so weird that they didn't even care that they were caught staring. All I know is I teach my kids manners and tolerance of everyone - even rude people.


Lives4Disney

 

[SueM in MN]

First, a please play nice warning.
I seldom have to close a thread on the disABILITIES Board, but I will if I have to.

My personal feeling is that one rude action + one rude action = 2 rude actions.
IMHO, many of the "rude" people are not meaning to be rude, they are just either not informed or have poor manners. I choose to believe that most people do not mean harm.
When I don't like the way my DD is being treated (since she can't speak up for herself), I either ignore it or if I say something to the person, I will tell them that I felt the it was inappropriate.

 

[vhoffman]

I am so sorry for the treatment your daughter received. I can perhaps see it (but don't excuse it) in small children, but for adults to act in such a manner is inexcusable. Actually waving their hands in front of her face to see if she responded! The disabled aren't an object of curiosity. That's how I felt with the issue with the waitress. I felt she was trying to satisfy her curiosity under the guise of "being concerned". Especially coming back twice! Like I said, she didn't display her "concern" when it could do any good, such as before I was seated. What good did it do to keep coming back to display her "concern"? It was jusr an unecessary interruption of my meal. Or please tell me what I was supposed to do, sit there and answer all her questions while me and my family were increasingly uncomfortable, as my food got cold? Well, as I said, I guess you have to have been there. Insofar as my son saying "you got her!", well, it shows he recognized how inappropriate the waitress was and how uncomfortable it made us all. And no one has commented on the waitress calling me "honey".

Here's another restaurant situation that was handled in a totally different manner. About a month ago we went to a Red Lobster. I ordered a shrimp kabob. When it arrived I must have looked slightly dismayed at it. It was several pieces of shrimp and veggies on a stick. Yes, that's how its pictured, however, I didn't realize until it arrived that it would be a challenge for me to get it off the stick (I also have severe arthritis im both hands and its rather obvious). The waiter sensed my prediciment and discretely took a fork and removed the food from the stick, acting all the while that this was just standard serving procedure for anyone. He didn't make an issue out of it, didn't say anything like "Oh, here let me help you, you can't handle that, can you, honey?" or anything else to call atrention to the situation. I was with a group of friends, not my family, and would have felt very uncomfortable if he called attention to it. As it was, I was able to enjoy me meal like anyone else, even if I'm not "like anyone else" at the table. It was a group check, but I found the waiter and slipped a $10 bill for an extra tip. He just winked at me.