What Do You Say when Someone Makes an Issue of Your Disability?

[vhoffman]

My whole point is that my actions were no more "rude" than the waitress. I was just displaying concern. So now rather than beating to death whether you felt I was "rude" or not, perhaps we can continue with the original intent of this thread, that is, how have others handled rude comments, etc. I really like the idea of the cards. I once was tempted to print up flyers explaining my "situation" to hand out to people. Its incredible the comments, stares, and questions I've had over the years. I'm not a walking freak show! Actually, I don't think anything about my appearance is so unusual as to generate the comments I've received. The worst part about such comments is that you just never know when one is going to happen, and perhaps you're not in the mood to explain. None of us is perfect. What if I saw an obese person and walked up to them and said "You really should attend weight watchers"? Well, its just concern, right? Or perhaps that overweight person might be sensitive about his appearance and not appreciate having to defend himself? Well, I was always brought up not to point, stare, ask questions, or otherwise single out someone for "being different". The point I was trying to make with the waitress is that none of us is perfect. If she didn't appreciate my "concern" maybe she realized I didn't appreciate her "concern". Perhaps that's how I "educated" her, rather than dignifying her remarks with the response she thought she was going to get.
Well, like I said, lets continue with the original intent of this thread, I think we can get some interesting posts here. Would like to hear others experiences, at Disney and elsewhere.

 

[vhoffman]

Oh, just one more thought. I would never ask a blind child (or adult) why they use a cane. I learned when I was a child that the white cane is used by visually impaired people. No one had to tell me I shouldn't go asking them all about it. And I certainly never would have openly stared or waved my hand in front of her face. One thing I've learned about answering questions from "concerned" people is that once you answer one question you're asked ten more. Perhaps a disabled person doesn't feel like answering question after question--at least I don't.

 

[graygables]

My Dad always says, "It's not what you know, it's what you think of in time" and so many times, I'm so stunned by the rudeness, I hardly know what to say. On a recent plane trip, 6yo who has ADHD/ODD/CD and chronic fatigue was in her stroller (as wheelchair). She can get out to do the security thing, but gets right back in (it helps keep her settled in anxious situations). The security guard would not shut up about how I was trying to keep her a baby, "Do you have a blankie and a bottle still, baby?", etc. I try so hard not to say anything in front of my DDs about their problems, but I finally had to shut this woman up. BTW, I had been taken over to the pat down area while my DDs are left sitting over alone listening to this woman prattle on. Everyone was looking at ME like I was some kind of overprotective mommy-freak. It was horrible. I wanted to cry, but I finally just said that she has chronic fatigue and it's easier to use the stroller than carry her 70 lbs around. That finally got her to shut up, but I wish I'd had something better, sooner.

 

[JudithM]

... People don't act "patronizing" because they think less of the disabled. They do it becuause they don't know how they should react. People don't stare out of rudeness (usually).They stare out of a lack of knowledge. They aren't sure how to react.

It is our chance to then share and explain a situation....to promote an acceptance. To me, being rude is only creating more distance between disabled and abled. JMO.

I agree. I don't think people purposely are rude, patronizing, whatever. I know having a mobility issue of my own for the past several years, working in the local school system, reading this bb & discussing issues, etc. have made me more aware of disabilities. I've had my share of adult stares when I use my handicapped tag & park in a handicapped spot. I've had children look at me in wonder while on the ECV at WDW. It is a good opportunity to explain, for example, why I am using an ECV at WDW. Two examples come to mind - one while I was being loaded onto the bus & another time while waiting in line to enter the Studios. Both times I had no problem nicely & briefly explaining that my knees do not work as well as their knees do.

The OP did not like how the waitress/hostess treated her. However, I can imagine someone else might have appreciated her comments. This is what makes the world an interesting place!

 

[Mskanga]

It's clear that it doesn't matter what the waitress did , you would have felt offended. If she asked if that was a long distance to walk before you sat down , you would have been offended. Waitresses do interrupt briefly to ask if everything is ok and if anything is needed, and where I live often we are called "honey" and I have never seen anyone get offended by that.
This is one clear case where no matter what the waitress did , she could not please you. Take this from someone who also suffers arthritis but who appreciates the help when I need it.

 

[3kidsmommy]

Ok, just my 2 cents worth here...I HAVE been the victim of being called "honey". It doens't bother me at all when it is in a nice tone, but that nasty, patronizing tone...it gets to me. As for my son...I have had adults, grown men and woman mind you, tell me that I just need to spank him to get him to behave. This has happened on numerous occasions when he was having a meltdown/tantrum over NOTHING at all. He doesn't EVER ask for things in a store, doesn't EVER tell me NO (he doesn't PLAY with toys yet and doesn't understand NO), but if the lights are too bright for some reason, or the sounds too noisy, or there is a smell that is strange to him...all you-know-what can break loose. And I am supposed to BEAT that out of him? NO. Children...young children are wonderful--the ones in his class at school mother him to pieces and take up for him on the playground. We read them a book about autism the first week of school. Older children are cruel. They tease him, taunt him and stare when he breaks down. They call him names. They call him baby. Adults want to know why a child who "looks" so normal is in a wheelchair (actually a durable medical equipment stroller). Especially when they see him walking a bit. They make rude comments when he makes his high pitched squealy noises. I think it is great if either you or your child has a disability and you haven't dealt with the horrid rudeness. Although I am NOT rude back, I will take up for my son! I will tell people how rude THEY Are being. And ask them to back away.

 

[GEM]

I can't tell you how many older ladies (waitresses and everything else) I've had pat my shoulder and call me "honey" or "sweetie" or "darlin'" - and I'm not disabled in any way. That's just something that a lot of older people, especially women, do around here. It's not meant to be patronizing or offensive. It sounds like the waitress really was trying to be sweet and kind. Maybe she doesn't have a lot of experience with people with disabilities, so she went about it in not exactly the best way - but it certainly doesn't sound like she was trying to be rude or upset you in any way. And, you said she seated you and then came back once and said she hoped you were doing alright. I don't see how that was really interupting your meal and keeping you from eating.

Just out of curiosity, would you be offended if someone offered you their seat on a bus or opened a door for you?

 

[vhoffman]

Oh, Graygables,

The security guard was just concerned. That was your opportunity to educate her and those around you about add/odd, etc. Didn't you realize that? How rude of you to not explain your whole life's story, while a security guard actually taunts your child about her disability! Your inadequate explanation that your child has chronic fatigue will leave that nice, concerned security guard forever ignorant as to how to treat a disabled child (silly me, I thought being a well-brough up adult had something to do with that!)

We had a slightly similar situation last summer. My dd, then age 7, injured her knee. She asked to ride in the cart in the grocery store because her knee hurt. We had several people make comments as to how she was too big for that, did I want to make her a baby, etc. She even said "its none of their business". She injured her knee while on a trip and asked to use a wheelchair to finish the day. People were so rude with their comments, stares, etc. that she finally said she didn't want the wheelchair anymore. She preferred to walk on her injured knee! However, she simply couldn't do it. We left early, went to a restaurant, and the waitress acted so goofy we finally asked for anlother waitress who knew how to act. All she (and the rest of us) wanted was to eat our meal in peace, not attract a crowd. The waitress couldn't stop with the "concern" comments, "Jesue loves you", "bless your heart", "you poor little thing", yadda yadda, all the while not serving our meal correctly. She was so busy displaying her "concern" for dd she forgot she was a waitess! Honestly,just what purpose did that serve? How is an 7 year old child supposed to respond to constant comments, etc., while trying to eat? Its amazing to me the people who think such behavior is appropriate. When a person is made to feel so self-conscious she wants to leave the attractions (dd said she wasn't one of the exhibits), and can hardly eat for all the attention and "concern" please tell me how all that "concern" benefited my child? Or maybe it was for the benefit of the waitress? Not to mention treating a grown woman like a child, calling me "honey" and patting me on the shoulder!

I guess what one person feels is appropriate another doesn't.

 

[vhoffman]

Would I be offended if someone offered me their seat on a bus or opened a door for me? Go back and read my post about our experience at Red Lobster. That should tell you how I appreciate being treated. Its all in the attitude. There's an attitude that people with disabilities are mentally deficient and should be treated as such. Rather hard for a grown woman (with three college degrees, and a CPA) to take. I'd appreciate being treated in a respectful manner, period. But I still say I wasn't being rude to the waitress, just treating her like she did me. Or is it only rude from one direction!

 

[graygables]

Oh, Graygables,

The security guard was just concerned. That was your opportunity to educate her and those around you about add/odd, etc. Didn't you realize that? How rude of you to not explain your whole life's story, while a security guard actually taunts your child about her disability! Your inadequate explanation that your child has chronic fatigue will leave that nice, concerned security guard forever ignorant as to how to treat a disabled child (silly me, I thought being a well-brough up adult had something to do with that!)

I'm going to assume this response was meant to be tongue-in-cheek although it certainly didn't come across as such. Maybe it's b/c I'm finding the DisBoards to be becoming more and more hostile and rude in general so I'm a bit more testy when I post here. I was trying to post to the original question without addressing my opinion on your reaction to your situation, which, I will still keep to myself. In the future, you need to add some kind of smiley or other indication that you are J/K.

 

[vhoffman]

GrayGables,

Oh, I'm sorry if I came across other than I intended. I was being "tongue-in-cheek". I guess I didn't express that. I should have said something like "just kidding" or something to that effect. I think the treatment you and your daughter received at airport security was horrible! That's the problem with posts,the real intent sometimes gets lost. Tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language all convey a message, too, which is lost in a post. Again, my apologies. I'll try to be clear of my intentions in the future. Thanks for giving me a chance to clear up any misunderstandings!

 

[Mskanga]

There's an attitude that people with disabilities are mentally deficient and should be treated as such.

Yes unfortunately some people think that , but there are people who dwell on disabilities and no matter what other people do it's always the wrong thing.

 

[GEM]

But I still say I wasn't being rude to the waitress, just treating her like she did me. Or is it only rude from one direction!

No, it's the intent that makes it rude. Her intent, however misguided you may feel it was, seems to have been to express her concern for a customer. Your intent was to embarass and ridicule.

 

[phamton]

*Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. Never attribute to stupidity that which can be adequately explained by poor communication. Always assume communication failure, even if it looks unlikely. (Hanlon's razor)

 

[vhoffman]

Ok for those who feel I was rude, let's compare my experiences at Red Lobster as opposed to the one in the original post. Just what was the difference? Unless some of you actually like being fawned over and treated like a mentally deficient child. Perhaps the waiter at Red Lobster would have offended another because he didn't simper with "concern"?

Insofar as the experience I had, just what purpose did the waitress achieve? It was all after the fact. I had been seated, expressed no discomfort, and was half way through my meal. Yet she felt compelled to keep on commenting on my disability. What should I have said? "Oh, yes, I'm so worn out from all that walking." If she was so "concerned" she could have said something at the beginning, such as "We have seating available in the back right now, or would you prefer to wait for seating that's closer to the front"? Or, at least, that's how I would have addressed it. There's no need to get patronizing, especially after the fact when it serves no purpose. That's unless, like I said, some disabled people like being treated that way!

 

[SueM in MN]

This thread is now closed.