Would you stay or leave? long!

[Cantw8]

Live in the moment...if things are good the way they are now, then why worry about an unpredictable future? If you are happy NOW then I wouldn't rock the boat. There will be time down the road for change, either within you or within him. Maybe in another year, you won't be able to stand the sight of him lol

 

[hegsag]

Since you asked - I would leave! It sounds like I need and want more in a relationship than you do.

 

[MickeySP]

If someone shows you who they are and what they want


BELIEVE THEM!!!!!

 

[Bluestars]

I would not stay in a relationship with a man who never planned on ever living with me. Since you are thinking about possibly wanting more someday, odds are you do want more someday. I would not count on him changing his mind. That could set you up for wasting years on something that may never happen. If he tells you that he will never live with you, then believe him. Personally, I would want a more fulfilling relationship. Living with somebody after the kids are grown is a reasonable desire. Most people want somebody who wants to live with them and spend time with them. I would not settle for anything less than being with a person who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would have left a long time ago. He sees you on holidays and birthdays? That's it? He doesn't ever really want to mesh his life completely with yours because he is moody? Really? Well, to me- and this is just my opinion- he is having his needs met (whatever they are) and could give a rat's behind about anything else. This imo is not a relationship. A relationship is something that you build together. This just sounds like a convenience. IMO- keep in mind that you asked what people think- the thing that keeps coming to mind is something that rhymes looty ball.
I wish you the best. This would not be for me.

 

[Annadesu]

I dunno'... It feels like he doesn't want to see you all the time/everyday, like you want to see him. Just let him know that you want to live together eventually, and if he'll ever consider it a few years in the future. If the answer is no, then time to move on. He's not in the same type of relationship as you.

 

[Disney Doll]

You're asking the question. That says to me that you know that at some point you'll want something more. He sounds pretty definite that he likes the status quo.
I'd probably end it, not so much for the living together/marrying thing but because he sounds a bit stodgy, set in his ways etc. That's only going to get worse as he gets older.

 

[focusondisney]

If you only spend birthdays and holidays together as a family, it doesn't sound like much of a partnership. Tell him you want to keep seeing him whenever, but since there's no plan for future commitment, then there's no reason to keep dating each other exclusively.

I agree! Partnership in what?? Surely he's not a partner in your life if he only sees your kids on holidays & birthdays. Not that he is responsible for their day to day needs, but kids that age are probably the biggest part of your life. How can he be a partner in your life & hardly ever see your kids??


To answer your question, if it's making you happy & working for you, why leave? I think you already know what you want to do or you wouldn't even be asking the question.

 

[Lynne M]

I think commitment - solid, lifelong commitment - can exist whether you live together or not. I think it can exist whether you're married or not. And not wanting to live together doesn't necessarily mean that he's leaving himself an escape route. Let's be honest, he can leave just as easily if you live together or get married. There are a few additional legal and financial loose ends to tie up if you're co-habitating or married, but really, has that ever stopped anyone who wanted to leave?

It's something of a cultural norm for couples to live together and/or marry in the US. But there are many, many, happy, devoted partners who never marry, or never live together. It doesn't mean you're "alone." Just not living at the same address.

OP, the only thing that matters is what feels right to you. Not what anyone else thinks, not what's 'traditional.' You yourself aren't even sure that you want to live with him, let alone marry him. You've both laid your cards on the table, you both know where you stand. So, someday, if you start to feel that you're not going to be happy unless you live together or marry, you deal with it then. Who knows what happens in the next 5-10 years. One of you could meet someone else, one of you could pass away. I don't know that I could break up a relationship that made me happy now, because some bad thing might happen in the future.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

You are thinking about leaving somebody because you may want to move in together in 5 - 10 years, and he doesn't want to?

Seems like you're asking about throwing away a perfectly good relationship based on your idea that me may not change his mind about something you might want to do a some point in the future.

I don't get the logic.

 

[kandb]

How often do you see him now? Is he committed to you? It seems strange to me that he sees your children only occasionally. You and your children are a family, why is he not more dedicated to you? Have you been dating for long? I don't think he sounds like a man that really wants to give of himself. I wouldn't wait it out and then be left with someone that rarely wants to see me at his own terms. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You say he is "set in his ways".

Personally I could not be with someone so rigid. You have to decide if you can or cannot.

 

[sasywtch]

You are thinking about leaving somebody because you may want to move in together in 5 - 10 years, and he doesn't want to?

Seems like you're asking about throwing away a perfectly good relationship based on your idea that me may not change his mind about something you might want to do a some point in the future.

I don't get the logic.

But it's not a perfectly good relationship if they both don't see it the same way in the long run. As you get older, the choices seem to get slimmer so wasting 5-10 years on a relationship that isn't going to be the way one partner wants, is not a good relationship. As someone said before, believe what he says and don't hope he'll change. My viewpoint would be completely different in my 20/30s but now that I'm in my 50's, you need to find someone who has the same goals as you.

I'm someone who wants to get married again, have someone to worry about things with me, know someone is going to be there on holidays (without me asking), someone to talk about a show I'm watching at 10pm, etc. I can call my best friend on the phone or ask her to go to dinner and then go home by myself. I don't want another friend, I want a partner.

10 years ago I had friends that said, he'll never change. I said, well maybe he will. 10 years later and 10 years older, I'm now having to make the decision I should have made 10 years ago. Mine likes it how it is, his house, my house etc. He does help me, he figures things out with me (needing a new roof type of things) but it's not the same as "our" responsibility. I get a lot of "this is what I'd do if I were you". To me, there is a huge difference than someone saying "what do you think WE should do".

However, if you aren't sure or don't want someone living with you later, than keep the status quo. I think because you are asking about it, you probably do want it and to me, it's a huge deal breaker.

 

[sunshinehighway]

But it's not a perfectly good relationship if they both don't see it the same way in the long run. As you get older, the choices seem to get slimmer so wasting 5-10 years on a relationship that isn't going to be the way one partner wants, is not a good relationship. As someone said before, believe what he says and don't hope he'll change. My viewpoint would be completely different in my 20/30s but now that I'm in my 50's, you need to find someone who has the same goals as you.

I'm someone who wants to get married again, have someone to worry about things with me, know someone is going to be there on holidays (without me asking), someone to talk about a show I'm watching at 10pm, etc. I can call my best friend on the phone or ask her to go to dinner and then go home by myself. I don't want another friend, I want a partner.

10 years ago I had friends that said, he'll never change. I said, well maybe he will. 10 years later and 10 years older, I'm now having to make the decision I should have made 10 years ago. Mine likes it how it is, his house, my house etc. He does help me, he figures things out with me (needing a new roof type of things) but it's not the same as "our" responsibility. I get a lot of "this is what I'd do if I were you". To me, there is a huge difference than someone saying "what do you think WE should do".

However, if you aren't sure or don't want someone living with you later, than keep the status quo. I think because you are asking about it, you probably do want it and to me, it's a huge deal breaker.

Living in the moment, not worrying about what might be is much different in your 20s than when you get older.
It sounds like the OP knows she'll want more or at least that she won't want to be alone on a regular basis. The thing is, living in the moment (at this point) is setting her up to be alone.
It's harder to meet someone as you get older and its harder to start over.

 

[Not_Sure]

How long before he retires? Being that you said he was older, I'm guessing that's not too far into the future (10-15 years?), which negates one of his main objections.

If you travel together, how are things then in terms of personal space? (Not trying to be nosy, just wondering if he is accommodating in short term situations).

Do you have a circle of friends/family/activities that can fill your life fairly well? My family lives far from me, and my circle of friends are all married. If I were in your position I would foresee a lot of evenings at home simply because of my social network. I don't mind being alone, but I can't see spending the majority of my time like that. Your situation may be different. BUT if yours is like mine, that seems pretty lonely.

We travel well together, and travel at least 2x year.
We have mutual friends and I have my own friends. We both tend to be more "homebodies" but I enjoy window shopping, the gym, the beach, etc alone.

To answer another question-he will be retiring in 9-12 years, if not sooner

 

[Art 1]

We travel well together, and travel at least 2x year.
We have mutual friends and I have my own friends. We both tend to be more "homebodies" but I enjoy window shopping, the gym, the beach, etc alone.

To answer another question-he will be retiring in 9-12 years, if not sooner

So how can you leave someone you love and enjoy? I don't understand that. What would be next? Wouldn't you continue to constantly think of this person? Not picking on you but to me this doesn't make any sense.

 

[shortbun]

Picture yourself in 5 years, still no progress in the relationship. Is this what you want. Will you be happy, satisfied? I think you'd better clarify what he does want 5-10 years from now. Does he plan to find someone else? Is he bideing his time until he finds The One?

 

[MickeySP]

Ok I re read your post. I have a feeling you are his "until" woman.

You are good to him "until" the one he really wants comes. I know because the women before me with my SO we're all until women. He admits this, they were good enough but not the one. Once the one shows up you are gonna be history.

 

[HM]

I think he's perfectly comfortable with your arrangement because it doesn't ask too much of him.
I would not be happy with that. I'd want to know that I'm adored and really wanted three years into a relationship. Do you feel that? Is it just comfortable to you too? Do you want someone to really want to be with you?

 

[Luv2Run]

I'd leave. I wouldn't want to waste any more time staying with someone who doesn't want the same things for the future that I do.

Once you're gone, he may realize that he does actually want a future with you, but if he doesn't, then you'll know that you made the right decision for you and your family. Your children already are living without a full-time father figure, why subject them to more of that in the future?