Relationship Struggle

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok, this rings truer to me than calling him a liar. If our relationship was to end today, I would never refer to him as a liar. He is actually the most honest & honorable person I know. What I can imagine happening is the details being left out of conversations. For instance, if his daughter was to say something negative about me, it would not be relayed to me, even if I wanted those details. His effort to not make her look bad.
So far the actions/behavior I would want from him are not meeting my expectations.

To me it is just semantics.

If he IS the most honest person you know, then he is really struggling with himself. Does that make sense?

Something has to "give" here esp. with a person that is honorable.

I glad you understand what I am saying.

 

[Positive]

I think there has been a lot of confusion in this relationship, not just between you and your boyfriend but referring to it as a family relationship to your boyfriend's daughter and nephew when you have never lived together as a family. It appears that you though of yourself in a step mother role in some cases but not generally.

At this point I would suggest partaking in couple's therapy to try to figure out your roles in this relationship and whether it's worth saving.

I have suggested this as well. Not thrilled about the idea but I would do it. I will respectfully disagree that “a family relationship” means you have to occupy the same 4 walls. My DBF & do not live together & consider him part of my family.

 

[Positive]

This isn't a step sibling relationship though. The OP and boyfriend have never lived together and she doesn't refer to the boyfriend's daughter as a step daughter. The relationship has never been there between the two. Calling the cruise a "family trip" doesn't make it so.

What would you call it then? I felt that every member of that trip was my family. Families are not always a neat, tidy little package with a DW,DH & 2 DKiddos. I would never disagree that my version of family may be complicated to hear about but assure you it is loving & caring. I have mentioned in past posts that I do feel that my DBFs daughter & I were not as close as I would have wanted through her growing up years. I did try, but didn’t want to shove myself down her throat with terms like step mom.
Also, it wasn’t a cruise, it was a trip to WDW, which we used to ALL love taking together as a family.

 

[Positive]

To me it is just semantics.

If he IS the most honest person you know, then he is really struggling with himself. Does that make sense?

Something has to "give" here esp. with a person that is honorable.

I glad you understand what I am saying.

Yes, I do know that he is struggling with himself regarding this. I believe his words & emotion when we are discussing this.

 

[Dumbo777]

I would call out a child acting like a brat. I don't see an issue with that. She seems like a brat.

But you have been dating this man for 18 years, yet don't live together. And he doesn't "invite" you to certain family functions. Annnnd he gets nervous when his daughter comes to his house and you are there too.

That is nowhere near what a married couple acts like.

Neither I nor my DBF is a liar. I posted here looking for some catharsis & insight into a part of my life. I will say, that it is tough to get all the nitty gritty details out & when I posted last night, I didn't know if anyone would even care to respond to me.
I will be glad to explain what happened a couple of years ago to allow more info.
My DBFs daughter & my nephew made the decision to date each other. We were away on a family vacation to WDW & they came home as a couple. They tried to keep it a secret but we knew something was up. Neither of us were happy or comfortable with it, we sat them down together to let them know & the proverbial **** hit the fan. DBFs ex wife actually did everything she could to support their relationship knowing it was causing us turmoil. She allowed him to move into her home. We sought professional help at the time to help us decide how to approach them. In our eyes, this was a family relationship & did not seem to make sense for them to pursue. The relationship is now over to the best of my knowledge but all of the hard feelings remain. I can get over the fact that she chose to date my nephew, but she is unwilling to with me.

***She may have chose to date your nephew, but your nephew also chose to date her. It seems like you are harboring I'll feelings towards her because of that situation. Remember that she is not the only person in that relationship and your nephew shares responsibility for that also.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I have suggested this as well. Not thrilled about the idea but I would do it. I will respectfully disagree that “a family relationship” means you have to occupy the same 4 walls. My DBF & do not live together & consider him part of my family.

Your boyfriend won't even invite you to family functions so I'm confused about the "family" relationship you had with his daughter which you have said has been volatile for a very long time.

 

[tcufrog]

Did the nephew and DBF's daughter view y'all as a family? You can't impose your worldview onto other people and expect it to stick because you wish for it to. Furthermore, the nephew was adopted during puberty which is very different than being adopted at a young age.

 

[Skywalker]

I have suggested this as well. Not thrilled about the idea but I would do it. I will respectfully disagree that “a family relationship” means you have to occupy the same 4 walls. My DBF & do not live together & consider him part of my family.

You may "consider him part of your family" (I note you said "him", not "them" - do you consider her part of your family as well?) And also, if you do consider them family, are you sure it is 100% reciprocated? It doesn't really seem that way.

 

[Kitty 34]

Sorry I'm trying to keep up with the thread so sorry if I've missed some posts.

Positive, are you a DISer under a disguised name. If so.......really sorry you're going thru this stuff.

If not....welcome to the DIS and maybe you should take your post to a couples' therapy board. You might get more help there even tho many DISers have said some great things here.

 

[Positive]

Sorry I'm trying to keep up with the thread so sorry if I've missed some posts.

Positive, are you a DISer under a disguised name. If so.......really sorry you're going thru this stuff.

If not....welcome to the DIS and maybe you should take your post to a couples' therapy board. You might get more help there even tho many DISers have said some great things here.

I am. I post here under another name & like the boards & knew I would get some good advice & suggestions. I struggled with posting under my DIS name & opted for more anonymity.

 

[Positive]

You may "consider him part of your family" (I note you said "him", not "them" - do you consider her part of your family as well?) And also, if you do consider them family, are you sure it is 100% reciprocated? It doesn't really seem that way.

I always have, but honestly as time goes by that becomes harder.

 

[Positive]

Did the nephew and DBF's daughter view y'all as a family? You can't impose your worldview onto other people and expect it to stick because you wish for it to. Furthermore, the nephew was adopted during puberty which is very different than being adopted at a young age.

My nephew is my actual "blood" family. I'm not sure what worldview I'm trying to impose on anyone, so not sure what to say about that.
Adoption is complicated, that is a whole different subject. Yes, adolescents bring challenges but let me tell you, so does a neglected 2 year old. There were many, many tough days.

 

[ronandannette]

...Yes, the way your boyfriend is handling it is awkward. If I were him, I'd stop trying to patch things up and just lay it out to the daughter. "You don't have to love her or even like her, but she's my partner, she's not going anywhere, and you do need to be civil. Your refusing to be around her is making things awkward for the whole family. " Hopefully, you can get to the point where she shows up at family events and nods politely in your direction, then talks to other people.

EXCELLENT practical advice! @Positive, it's now clear to us that there was definitely an event that was the catalyst for your BF's daughter to change her attitude towards you - acknowledge that and stop acting bewildered. Whether or not the relationship with your nephew was acceptable, her reaction to your reaction is to hold a major grudge - plain and simple and I don't see there being any way to change it. Go forward decisively and productively. You speak very positively about your BF. If he's such a reasonable person go to him with the BLUNT request that he lay it out to her like the bolded above. It won't result in the one-big-happy-family scenario you would prefer, but probably nothing will at this point. Accept that and require your BF to buy into a workable solution. I wish you all well.

 

[sk!mom]

Yes she maybe young, but she should at least have manners.

I agree but the OP cannot control his DD’s behavior. She can only control her own reaction to that behavior. Or insist that the boyfriend demands change but it seems that he pretty clearly has no intention of doing anything that upsets his DD.

Did the nephew and DBF's daughter view y'all as a family? You can't impose your worldview onto other people and expect it to stick because you wish for it to. Furthermore, the nephew was adopted during puberty which is very different than being adopted at a young age.

My nephew is my actual "blood" family. I'm not sure what worldview I'm trying to impose on anyone, so not sure what to say about that.
Adoption is complicated, that is a whole different subject. Yes, adolescents bring challenges but let me tell you, so does a neglected 2 year old. There were many, many tough days.

I think the worldview mentioned is your view that you and your boyfriend are just as much a family as any family that lives under the same roof. You may feel that way but it certainly seems that your boyfriend and certainly his daughter do not and you can’t impose your view on them. Actually your current situation is proof of that. Others don’t view your relationship as you do- hence the problem.

 

[Positive]

Your boyfriend won't even invite you to family functions so I'm confused about the "family" relationship you had with his daughter which you have said has been volatile for a very long time.

I want to clarify that I *do* see his family & go to family things with him & there was a time that this was not an issue.
I shared details previously about an interaction at my DBFs sister's home.
These days, when his daughter comes home from college, such as over these recent holidays, what happens is my DBF will tell me, we (meaning he & DD) are going to my sister's house tonight for X's birthday (one of her kids). In this instance, I'm not asked to come-kind of an unspoken I will be with DD tonight.
Thanksgiving was ridiculous imo. I host every year & for all of our years but 2016 he has come to my house. Right up until Thanksgiving day, I had no idea what he was doing or whose table he would be sitting at. I made it a point not to ask, I had plenty else going on that week & he knows that I make dinner & all the other festivities we have. Instead I waited to for him to speak about his plans. Whatever he decided, would be fine. I am not going to be petty or bitter because he wants to spend that holiday with his side of the family, but make a decision! Nobody knew what he was doing, he was home cleaning up his yard until finally at about 3 he asked if he could come for dinner. My answer was yes. The next day I had many words for him about his actions/behavior.

 

[Positive]

EXCELLENT practical advice! @Positive, it's now clear to us that there was definitely an event that was the catalyst for your BF's daughter to change her attitude towards you - acknowledge that and stop acting bewildered. Whether or not the relationship with your nephew was acceptable, her reaction to your reaction is to hold a major grudge - plain and simple and I don't see there being any way to change it. Go forward decisively and productively. You speak very positively about your BF. If he's such a reasonable person go to him with the BLUNT request that he lay it out to her like the bolded above. It won't result in the one-big-happy-family scenario you would prefer, but probably nothing will at this point. Accept that and require your BF to buy into a workable solution. I wish you all well.

I do LOVE this advice & have said pretty much those words verbatim to him, but we are not there yet. He tells me he has made it clear to her that I am his choice in life, but his execution of those words is at issue. I will remain hopeful that this can improve.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

From what I understand, their marriage ended over her affair with someone. He has told me it was a very rocky marriage. That was pre-me coming into the picture. She may have mental illness problems. At times over the years, she would be friendly to me & then weeks later for no known reason flip me off driving down the street. She has sabotaged vacations we have taken, had her daughter in tears many times for different things, she is like a cannonball. She has moved on herself & has been with this man for just slightly less time than we have, not married either. I don't know what you call it, jealousy, bitterness, it's gross.

OP, the person you're referring to as possibly having mental illness issues is the ex-wife, not the daughter, correct? Which would mean this girl's childhood was spent in the care of a mentally unstable woman while her father went off and started a new family with another woman and her kids, while god knows what kind of instability or abuse she was being exposed to at home. Maybe she's finally old enough to realize she wants to step away from this dysfunction, or maybe she's harboring resentment because she now realizes all the ways her father failed to keep her safe while she was a child. Have either of you considered that possibility?

 

[Positive]

I agree but the OP cannot control his DD’s behavior. She can only control her own reaction to that behavior. Or insist that the boyfriend demands change but it seems that he pretty clearly has no intention of doing anything that upsets his DD.]
This is a major point that I have a hard time understanding. What is so wrong/hard to speak up to your child? To say, I love both of you & have never witnessed or had you report that you were traumatized by my GF, so on any given day expect her to be at my home, at our family parties, with me in general whenever we are able to be. I want you to be a part of that too, but if you can't or won't that is your choice. I will no longer accept you putting me in the middle.

 

[Keli]

I'm really sorry you are going through this situation and I hope you guys can all work it out.

 

[Shanti]

Thanksgiving was ridiculous imo. I host every year & for all of our years but 2016 he has come to my house. Right up until Thanksgiving day, I had no idea what he was doing or whose table he would be sitting at. I made it a point not to ask...Instead I waited to for him to speak about his plans. Whatever he decided, would be fine.

Wow. OP, you are in denial. Your bf does not really value and respect you the way you imagine he does. You have given him all your love and support, and he is stringing you along, not showing you the respect you deserve, not committing to you, and not making you a complete part of his life. You're letting him control this relationship because you're the one who wants it the most, and he's learned that he can get a lot from you while giving very little.

I know you'll argue that isn't true, but all of his behaviors point to that being true. I recommend insisting on couples therapy, or ending it.