Relationship Struggle

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I want to say that I am very willing to be flexible about plans changing if something comes up with his DD or anyone else, no problem

Nope. You don't seem willing to be flexible from any of the examples you've provided.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Honestly OP, I don’t think you are ever going to get what you want from the relationship. You have a set of expectations for how you expect him to behave, and his daughter has another set of expectations that conflict with yours. While he’s not totally innocent in all of this, you both have put him in the position of constantly having to choose to let one of you down. It sounds like he is choosing to make his daughter happy more often, and I don’t know that it will ever change.

 

[sk!mom]

If his daughter is away and comes home, you should be the one yielding for one night. Maybe he is starting to tire of your possessiveness and resentment of his child.

I believe that I commented a while back that it seemed to me that the boyfriend is pulling away. As I said then, You don't have to force someone to choose to have them choose.

For whatever reasons, you and the DD cannot seem to be even cordial much less friendly. He may care for you but he's letting you know loud and clear that if you two force him to choose, you will be the loser.

Bottom line to me, your relationship settled into a convenient every Friday night and every other Saturday night but not a real- we're a family. Many years of that will make it difficult to change now. I'm afraid that he views you as a convenience and not a partner.

As I said before- seek counseling. A good counselor will help you both define the relationship and figure out if it can move forward or needs to end.

 

[VandVsmama]

I like/appreciate your post & the details about your family situation as well as your neighbor.
I want to say that I am very willing to be flexible about plans changing if something comes up with his DD or anyone else, no problem. I would like to share the scenario I can't accept. Here is a true example of what I am talking about:
I sleep at his house on alternating Saturday nights & we typically spend the next day, Sunday, together & start the day by going out to breakfast. So imagine waking up on Sunday, making my way out to the kitchen, saying your good mornings & the next words from him are "I'm having breakfast with DD today" & only minutes later, after getting a text, he tells me that he isn't going to be going with DD.
My take on this is that there was obviously conversation that took place between DBF & his DD to plan that & he said nothing to me that it would effect our plans until the very last moment. He can do whatever he wants, just be courteous to me, & let me know when he knows different plans are in the works. DO NOT expect me to fine with benching me this way to go out with DD & DO NOT expect me to be waiting in your living room when you get back from breakfast so that the rest of our day can go on as normal.

OP:
You know what this example is called? A booty call.

 

[ronandannette]

@Positive, I'm wondering about the DD's living situation and how far away she is. A lot of replies here seem to be assuming she's only able to "come home" and see your BF very infrequently, therefore time with her has to take hightest priority. If this isn't the case and they are fairly local to one another, I'm curious why time with her has to conflict with your time as a couple, even if the three of you can't be together. I know as a young adult living near my parents, they were always anxious to see me and happy to get together. But that DID NOT mean I commanded their schedules - they had lives of their own.

 

[ThistleMae]

Curious as to why you want him to tell you about her life? What is the big deal with this for you? She wants nothing to do with you. Do you just want info so you can be critical of her choices? I just don't get your super big issue about him not sharing what happens in his daughter's life. Maybe she don't want him to share her personal information with you, have you ever thought of that? And since she absolutely wants nothing whatsoever to do with you, why would you want to know? You are placing more of a wedge between you by taking this stand. Is it worth it?

 

[arminnie]

I am very sorry to read how you are describing the relationship (or lack of) with your husband's son. I'm guessing that at some point you did have a relationship, but there was a big falling out? On one level, I can relate because since my DBF's DD has excluded me from her life for such a long time, when he has spoken of her to me it is almost like I am hearing about a distant cousin or coworker. She is not part of my life by her choice, so I am simply listening to news he chooses to share.
On the other hand, I am finding that I can't live as you have described. I would not accept him forbidding me to bring up any topic, especially a family member. We need to be able to discuss all of our relationships, even the tough ones, otherwise it is consiously avoiding a subject & allowing it to rot. Isn't the whole point of a committed relationship sharing & discussing life, the good, bad & ugly, with this other person?

I think I am getting what is different between your situation and mine. My DH is there for me first and foremost - for holidays, for travel, for just everyday life. He fits his son into whatever is leftover. Not the other way around. I never have to worry about whether my DH has other plans with his son. My DH is always there for me.

For example - one year at Christmas I made plans with my sister, aunts, and cousins. We have our meal at noon and may visit until 5 or 6 pm. DH went to see his son about 8 after I was ready to relax and get ready for bed after a big day. Another year I made plans for us to be out of state at Christmas. No problem at all.

DH NEVER changes any plans or objects to my plans because of his son. We may have to change things because he has a medical appointment - but never because of SS.

DH does not forbid me from discussing his son. If anything I don't listen to anything about his son. I do not tell him not to mention his son - but I do not engage in any conversations about him. No reason to. His son is not anyone that I want in my life. I do not need to rub my DH's nose in his son's worthlessness.

My DH's son is not a good person. He broke into my home (the one I owned before even meeting DH) and stole many items. My poor DH knows that his son is not a good person. He so wants to believe that he is turning over a new leaf. So I let him think that. But I do not let that affect my life. I think I was more than generous in not sending his behind to jail/prison.

 

[morgan98]

I think a good part of the issue is that you and his daughter are both competing for the same time with your significant other. Since you don't live with him, and you seem to have this more rigid schedule where you only spend every other Saturday night with him, I can see why it upsets you when she infringes on that limited time.

My question is that if you are so significant in one another's lives it would seem that you two would spend enough time together that him meeting his daughter for breakfast or part of Thanksgiving would be a non event. You would be spending enough time together and have opportunities to be with him at other times.

I think the issue is also part of the parameters that have been set in your relationship.

 

[gotomu212]

Curious as to why you want him to tell you about her life? What is the big deal with this for you? She wants nothing to do with you. Do you just want info so you can be critical of her choices? I just don't get your super big issue about him not sharing what happens in his daughter's life. Maybe she don't want him to share her personal information with you, have you ever thought of that? And since she absolutely wants nothing whatsoever to do with you, why would you want to know? You are placing more of a wedge between you by taking this stand. Is it worth it?

I really held off posting because this is a really personal topic for me, but you seem to genuinely care about responses and I thought I could provide another perspective. This is so long but its a complicated story.

I have been in your BF daughter’s place and maybe my particular circumstance doesn’t completely match your situation BUT here goes. About 12 years ago a parent married a new partner (I was already an adult). After a year it became very clear to me that I could not be around this person. This wasn’t a mad grudge or me throwing a temper tantrum or being a brat, but based on several different things that occurred, and for my own well being, I could not be around this person- even to glance across a room at a party. I had never had problems with anxiety, but hearing about this person or knowing that personal details of my life were being shared with this person made me a wreck.

I knew I was placing my family member in a terrible position, but told them that I could not be around this person and that it was important to me that I not be a topic of conversation with this person. I said I completely understood if they placed their relationship with their partner first, but that if the partner was going to be at an event I wouldn’t attend. This would mean they would see less of me, have a slightly different relationship with my kids who would also not attend, and if I thought I couldn’t trust them to not share personal information I was going to have to really curtail what I shared with them. I wasn’t trying to be vindictive but I felt I was protecting myself and this was the just the reality of how I felt.

My parent didn’t agree with my perception of this person and honestly didn’t think I was right to be draw such a stark line. I didn’t need them to agree with me though or tell me I was right, I was only stating what I was capable of doing and the kind of relationship I was able to have. I could have been completely in the wrong but I could not be dragged into the company of this persons- I just absolutely couldn’t. (And I’m in no way saying that you are a bad person or flawed because your BFs daughter feels that way about you- for whatever reason that’s just where she’s at).

Ultimately my parent did chose me, and I’m NOT saying this was right or wrong, but for THEM a relationship with me was more important than having their spouse at every extended family events. They continued to be with their spouse. I’m not sure how they feel about it honestly. I do have a little sympathy that it must be awkward and a little uncomfortable and I’m sure it’s been inconvenient. I don’t live locally though so they are still attending many family events that I’m not at. I know it’s been hardest for the parent caught in the middle. They are trying to do right by everyone- they don’t want to hurt their partner but they also don’t want to lose their connection to their child and grandchildren. There’s no great outcome, but they try to balance it all and we all muddled through it.

I guess bottom line it seems like you are pushing for details on your BFs daughter and trying to force yourself where you aren’t wanted. Please believe I’m not saying you are right or wrong- if that’s what YOU need then it’s perfectly valid, BUT it might not be what your BF can give you (and I don’t think that’s wrong either). Everyone has to decide what they can and cannot take and what they do and do not prioritize and value. Someone who values a relationship with a child is no more right than someone who values a partner. Both are completely valid priorities but sometimes our values and priorities don’t jive with someone else’s and that’s when you just aren’t compatible and it’s sad and heartbreaking but it’s not a failure.

If you want the relationship to work because every other part is fantastic, and you think you can live with not having a piece of this part of his life, then I’m proof it can be done successfully for over a decade now. It sounds like it would be a compromise for you though and I really encourage you to search yourself to see if you think it’s worth it to you amd what you would be willing to sacrifice. Above everything else avoid trying to determine who is “right” and try to have a little sympathy that the situation probably feels horrible to the other two parties too. Whew...

 

[Nancyg56]

I really held off posting because this is a really personal topic for me, but you seem to genuinely care about responses and I thought I could provide another perspective. This is so long but its a complicated story.

I have been in your BF daughter’s place and maybe my particular circumstance doesn’t completely match your situation BUT here goes. About 12 years ago a parent married a new partner (I was already an adult). After a year it became very clear to me that I could not be around this person. This wasn’t a mad grudge or me throwing a temper tantrum or being a brat, but based on several different things that occurred, and for my own well being, I could not be around this person- even to glance across a room at a party. I had never had problems with anxiety, but hearing about this person or knowing that personal details of my life were being shared with this person made me a wreck.

I knew I was placing my family member in a terrible position, but told them that I could not be around this person and that it was important to me that I not be a topic of conversation with this person. I said I completely understood if they placed their relationship with their partner first, but that if the partner was going to be at an event I wouldn’t attend. This would mean they would see less of me, have a slightly different relationship with my kids who would also not attend, and if I thought I couldn’t trust them to not share personal information I was going to have to really curtail what I shared with them. I wasn’t trying to be vindictive but I felt I was protecting myself and this was the just the reality of how I felt.

My parent didn’t agree with my perception of this person and honestly didn’t think I was right to be draw such a stark line. I didn’t need them to agree with me though or tell me I was right, I was only stating what I was capable of doing and the kind of relationship I was able to have. I could have been completely in the wrong but I could not be dragged into the company of this persons- I just absolutely couldn’t. (And I’m in no way saying that you are a bad person or flawed because your BFs daughter feels that way about you- for whatever reason that’s just where she’s at).

Ultimately my parent did chose me, and I’m NOT saying this was right or wrong, but for THEM a relationship with me was more important than having their spouse at every extended family events. They continued to be with their spouse. I’m not sure how they feel about it honestly. I do have a little sympathy that it must be awkward and a little uncomfortable and I’m sure it’s been inconvenient. I don’t live locally though so they are still attending many family events that I’m not at. I know it’s been hardest for the parent caught in the middle. They are trying to do right by everyone- they don’t want to hurt their partner but they also don’t want to lose their connection to their child and grandchildren. There’s no great outcome, but they try to balance it all and we all muddled through it.

I guess bottom line it seems like you are pushing for details on your BFs daughter and trying to force yourself where you aren’t wanted. Please believe I’m not saying you are right or wrong- if that’s what YOU need then it’s perfectly valid, BUT it might not be what your BF can give you (and I don’t think that’s wrong either). Everyone has to decide what they can and cannot take and what they do and do not prioritize and value. Someone who values a relationship with a child is no more right than someone who values a partner. Both are completely valid priorities but sometimes our values and priorities don’t jive with someone else’s and that’s when you just aren’t compatible and it’s sad and heartbreaking but it’s not a failure.

If you want the relationship to work because every other part is fantastic, and you think you can live with not having a piece of this part of his life, then I’m proof it can be done successfully for over a decade now. It sounds like it would be a compromise for you though and I really encourage you to search yourself to see if you think it’s worth it to you amd what you would be willing to sacrifice. Above everything else avoid trying to determine who is “right” and try to have a little sympathy that the situation probably feels horrible to the other two parties too. Whew...

You have stated what some have been trying to articulate, but have not been able to in such a thoughtful and compassionate manner. I wonder if the disrespect we (me) have been focusing on is a reaction to what the BF sees as an untenable position he may feel he is in.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am, admittedly, old and crotchety because all this drama would be more than I would be willing to deal with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, DD, that sounds like me! Hahaha!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I like/appreciate your post & the details about your family situation as well as your neighbor.
I want to say that I am very willing to be flexible about plans changing if something comes up with his DD or anyone else, no problem. I would like to share the scenario I can't accept. Here is a true example of what I am talking about:
I sleep at his house on alternating Saturday nights & we typically spend the next day, Sunday, together & start the day by going out to breakfast. So imagine waking up on Sunday, making my way out to the kitchen, saying your good mornings & the next words from him are "I'm having breakfast with DD today" & only minutes later, after getting a text, he tells me that he isn't going to be going with DD.
My take on this is that there was obviously conversation that took place between DBF & his DD to plan that & he said nothing to me that it would effect our plans until the very last moment. He can do whatever he wants, just be courteous to me, & let me know when he knows different plans are in the works. DO NOT expect me to fine with benching me this way to go out with DD & DO NOT expect me to be waiting in your living room when you get back from breakfast so that the rest of our day can go on as normal.

What you have desribed is def. not acceptable.
Not acceptable at all, to me anyway...
BREAKFAST... really???? That is one time of the whole week or weekend that he has to entertain the opportunity to spend time with the DD, is the one time when you are there?
Wow.....
OP, you continue to try to justify your position here.
You continue to try to make the daughter the bad-guy, and also him the bad-guy, (and you the good-guy) but then say you want him anyhow.

You really need to decide what YOU want.

I totally agree with this, below.... 110%

Okay, you keep adding more here..... You allow this. You taught him how to treat you, and the first time you let yourself be treated like you were a second class citizen in this relationship between the three of you, you authorized him to continue to behave this way. .... finding out that your planned sunday morning breakfast was ditched and you were not even given a courtesy notice. The first time this happened would be the last for me. ...
If you are okay with coming in last in the line ... that is okay.

PS: I will also add this.... This about your relationship with this man. His daughter should have absolutely nothing to do with this. When there are problems stemming from members of the SO's family, it always comes down to how the SO handles it. It is not an issue with the other family member(s). It is ALWAYS a relationship issue.

From what has been posted here, I don't think that it would be an assumption to say that this DBF has handled this very inappropriately, when it comes to the OP.

 

[ThistleMae]

I am, admittedly, old and crotchety because all this drama would be more than I would be willing to deal with.

I think the drama is self inflicted. But....if this is how the OP is feeling, then it's real, whether it's brought on by her own position on the matter or not. I am also not a fan of drama....and I'm old and crotchety too...LOL! The OP is obviously very conflicted and hopefully our posts will aide her in making a decision on what she can and can't live with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, the OP is definitely upset and conflicted. I really do feel for her!
It is just hard to maintain a lot of empathy when one is trying to get somebody to see from a different POV.

I do hope that the OP can discern what it is that SHE wants!

 

[Nancyg56]

PS: I will also add this.... This about your relationship with this man. His daughter should have absolutely nothing to do with this. When there are problems stemming from members of the SO's family, it always comes down to how the SO handles it. It is not an issue with the other family member(s). It is ALWAYS a relationship issue.

From what has been posted here, I don't think that it would be an assumption to say that this DBF has handled this very inappropriately, when it comes to the OP.

WOAS- you and I seldom share the same POV, but on this we are in lockstep. This is NOT a daughter problem. This is a relationship disconnect. I honestly wonder if the relationship the OP has with her BF is the one he has with her. SHe has shared nothing in regards to the way they interact together that tells me they are on the same page.

 

[arminnie]

I am, admittedly, old and crotchety because all this drama would be more than I would be willing to deal with.

I have zero drama in my life because I have nothing to do with my DH's son. Easy peasy.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have zero drama in my life because I have nothing to do with my DH's son. Easy peasy.

That is how it worked when I removed myself from the drama withsome of my husbands family members. No drama, no nothing. I will say that there were a few folks who tried to draw me in but once I had decided that I was the only one who could get me upset, I was fine. My DH fully supports this, and has asked that in the event one of them contacts me again I am to let him know and he will address it. His family has found that sometimes you should be careful what you wish for, and so far no one has crossed that line.