Relationship Struggle

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I have to agree with some of the posts just above.
You are trying to count-up and magnify ALL of any 'perceived' positives.
While minimizing the one negative, that, for me, would most definitely be a huge deal-breaker.
Outweighing all of the positives put together.

 

[Positive]

Here is what I am reading and the part that I feel that you're missing ---

It seems like you're tallying up all the wonderful parts of your relationship. And for you there are multiples. So why wouldn't one keep working on such a relationship?

And then you are seeing this ongoing disrespect and disappointment as just a solitary negative.

But for me that's not how it works, at all. Sometimes an issue over time, not changed or even acknowledged in your situation, can be a much bigger problem that can outweigh numerous positives. Something that one can't live with anymore. And something that is hard to swallow for your own well being - your own self respect. Which for me is way more important than any length of relationship.

Just decide what is too much for you and what isn't. All this over time would be a deal breaker for me, but everyone is different in their level of acceptance.

You're right & this is why I am examining our relationship.

 

[Positive]

OP, I have to agree with some of the posts just above.
You are trying to count-up and magnify ALL of any 'perceived' positives.
While minimizing the one negative, that, for me, would most definitely be a huge deal-breaker.
Outweighing all of the positives put together.

I feel like I am fully putting the spotlight on the trouble spot while keeping in mind our happy times & positive memories. I don't want to minimize how my DBF has failed to care for my feelings. I do want to give him the opportunity to navigate his feelings & show me that he cares for mine. As of today, we are together. As this year goes on, if the time comes that I feel another slight has happened at the expense of my feelings, I won't be willing to continue our relationship. I have expressed myself many times, in great detail to him how his actions (or lack of) have caused distance between us. He has either heard me & is taking my words seriously or I will end up a single woman by my choice.

 

[ronandannette]

I feel like I am fully putting the spotlight on the trouble spot while keeping in mind our happy times & positive memories. I don't want to minimize how my DBF has failed to care for my feelings. I do want to give him the opportunity to navigate his feelings & show me that he cares for mine. As of today, we are together. As this year goes on, if the time comes that I feel another slight has happened at the expense of my feelings, I won't be willing to continue our relationship. I have expressed myself many times, in great detail to him how his actions (or lack of) have caused distance between us. He has either heard me & is taking my words seriously or I will end up a single woman by my choice.

What does he say during these conversations? I know actions speak louder than words, but does the dialogue between you give you any confidence?

 

[Positive]

What works for me is that I want my DH to keep the part of his life with his son to himself. I do not want to openly or any other way to discuss his son. His son just does not exist as far as I am concerned.

Discussing his son only causes arguments. Nothing good comes of it. I learned very quickly that the easiest way not to have arguments or resentments was just to remove his son from the equation. I know his son is a sack of something smelly. But it does no good whatsoever to point out his son's many faults. That does not mean that I pretend like the son is a decent person. It just means that he is no more relevant to me than a person my DH said hello to in the street.

Why do you think you need to be able to discuss his daughter with him? You two are never going to agree. There's a good reason that we don't discuss politics her at DIS. It only brings out rancor and bad feelings.

I am very sorry to read how you are describing the relationship (or lack of) with your husband's son. I'm guessing that at some point you did have a relationship, but there was a big falling out? On one level, I can relate because since my DBF's DD has excluded me from her life for such a long time, when he has spoken of her to me it is almost like I am hearing about a distant cousin or coworker. She is not part of my life by her choice, so I am simply listening to news he chooses to share.
On the other hand, I am finding that I can't live as you have described. I would not accept him forbidding me to bring up any topic, especially a family member. We need to be able to discuss all of our relationships, even the tough ones, otherwise it is consiously avoiding a subject & allowing it to rot. Isn't the whole point of a committed relationship sharing & discussing life, the good, bad & ugly, with this other person?

 

[Positive]

What does he say during these conversations? I know actions speak louder than words, but does the dialogue between you give you any confidence?

He acknowledges that he could have handled it better, he expresses that he feels caught in the middle between me & his daughter, sometimes he seems at a loss as to why I am so upset about putting plans with me aside to do something with his daughter when she comes home from school.
For example, we have dinner together every Friday night. If his daughter is coming home for several days from college, in the past he has said something to me like, "DD is coming home for a few days, I might not be able to see you Friday night, I might be getting together with DD". I find this totally unacceptable. He can just as easily say to DD, I'm having dinner with DGF Friday night, so we can get together any other night.

 

[Positive]

What are his efforts exactly? I know what you are saying....is this something that should end an otherwise very good/strong relationship. If you continue to feel the way you do, then yes. But you say he is trying but I'm not sure what that means in terms of how you feel, could you tell us what he is doing?

He is sharing news about his DD instead of it being an off-limits subject, basic stuff like a job interview, how things are going at school.He is letting me know in advance if he & his DD have plans together, like to a sports game. It's very basic, but makes a difference to me.

 

[ronandannette]

He acknowledges that he could have handled it better, he expresses that he feels caught in the middle between me & his daughter, sometimes he seems at a loss as to why I am so upset about putting plans with me aside to do something with his daughter when she comes home from school.
For example, we have dinner together every Friday night. If his daughter is coming home for several days from college, in the past he has said something to me like, "DD is coming home for a few days, I might not be able to see you Friday night, I might be getting together with DD". I find this totally unacceptable. He can just as easily say to DD, I'm having dinner with DGF Friday night, so we can get together any other night.

Honestly, it sounds like you two are far apart on this issue. He may try some things that he thinks you want, in an honest effort to please you but if he really doesn't understand the heart of the problem, don't count on meaningful change. Unlike others though, I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed. I would, however, advise you to get VERY real about your expectations. If you can be content with the way things are and you really want to be with him indefinitely, resign yourself to it, stop dwelling and move forward.

 

[Nancyg56]

He acknowledges that he could have handled it better, he expresses that he feels caught in the middle between me & his daughter, sometimes he seems at a loss as to why I am so upset about putting plans with me aside to do something with his daughter when she comes home from school.
For example, we have dinner together every Friday night. If his daughter is coming home for several days from college, in the past he has said something to me like, "DD is coming home for a few days, I might not be able to see you Friday night, I might be getting together with DD". I find this totally unacceptable. He can just as easily say to DD, I'm having dinner with DGF Friday night, so we can get together any other night.

I am not at all sure you really know what you want from him, and maybe that is the issue. I do not feel that a man should have to make a choice between his partner and his children, but there should be some sort of common courtesy when situations that place the two of you in the same timeframe come up. If my daughter was away at college and was able to come home for a few days, I would expect my partner to understand that I missed her and wanted to see her. I would want to make a change in a standing dinner in order to do so. People make changes all of the time, and as long as there was a conversation in place, I see nothing wrong with that.

I am on the outside looking in on your relationship, so I knwo I am only seeing a shadow of what the two of you are experienceing, but with the post I quoted I still wonder if you are using these examples of how he interacts with his daughter as a way he needs to change, When there is really a larger issue between the two of you. If you knew that he was truly committed to you a change in dinner plans would not matter, because you would feel secure with him. My husband seldom says much about anyone's relationships, but he has often said that there are two kinds of love: between two partners and the love between a parent and child, and that you can have both. If you were comfortable in your personal relationship with your partner you would not be nitpicking dinners he has with his daughter.

We are a blended family, my children are from my first marriage, and my husbands family does not accept people who are not "blood", so we have challenges. My husband loves me and our children, so we come first, but I have never made him choose. He always visited his family, took his nephews to games, etc whenever he could. I did not join him, and that was fine. Sometimes the occasions he was with them could have been difficult, but I figured that the less pressure I placed on him the better, and honestly that was the best decision. He was not given the same courtesy from his family, and anytime he was forced to make a choice he did, and that did nto always work well for them.
Now my neighbor had a blended family, and she and her husband never managed to agree on how to handle the adult children and the grandchildren. It was always "I am your spouse, I come first" with the kids being treated like intruders. They are now divorced. She told me I did not understand, but I really did. He was just not committed to her, she was a convenience and he was not going to be inconvenienced by her family, not one bit.

Your posts remind me of the two of them. A lot.

 

[Lynne M]

He acknowledges that he could have handled it better, he expresses that he feels caught in the middle between me & his daughter, sometimes he seems at a loss as to why I am so upset about putting plans with me aside to do something with his daughter when she comes home from school.
For example, we have dinner together every Friday night. If his daughter is coming home for several days from college, in the past he has said something to me like, "DD is coming home for a few days, I might not be able to see you Friday night, I might be getting together with DD". I find this totally unacceptable. He can just as easily say to DD, I'm having dinner with DGF Friday night, so we can get together any other night.

To me, this is the core of the problem. As long as he's caught in the middle, as long as you and his daughter see each other as adversaries and competitors for his time and affection, as long as his "choosing" one of you in a particular situation results in anger and resentment from the other...I don't see how this relationship will ever work. That's not specific to your situation, by the way. That applies to any relationship where one of the partners has kids from a previous relationship. There has to be understanding and flexibility and cooperation and compromise, or it can't work.

It sounds like you've decided you're done with him, but if not, I'd consider one last attempt to clear the air with his daughter. Tell her you don't want to be enemies, as it's hurting not just you, but her dad. And then really listen. With an open mind, and an open heart. Maybe you'll never be friends, but hopefully you can arrive at enough of a truce that you can coexist.

But this isn't just about changing her mind. You'll have to change the way you see her, too. If you can't not see her as competition for his affection and time, then maybe it's best to move on.

 

[PollyannaMom]

He acknowledges that he could have handled it better, he expresses that he feels caught in the middle between me & his daughter, sometimes he seems at a loss as to why I am so upset about putting plans with me aside to do something with his daughter when she comes home from school.
For example, we have dinner together every Friday night. If his daughter is coming home for several days from college, in the past he has said something to me like, "DD is coming home for a few days, I might not be able to see you Friday night, I might be getting together with DD". I find this totally unacceptable. He can just as easily say to DD, I'm having dinner with DGF Friday night, so we can get together any other night.

It depends on how often she comes home, but I think you might actually need to meet him halfway on this one. If someone is visiting from far away, they're probably trying to see several people, and juggling a limited number of nights. Maybe she's trying to make plans with her dad, her mom, and two different high school friends who are also home for the weekend...and seeing her dad Friday allows all the other plans to work out. I actually would be willing to switch a standing date - as long as he asked nicely and didn't just ignore it like the Thanksgiving thing - because in my mind, temporary opportunities trump routines.

Of course, I'm assuming here that this doesn't inconvenience a cascade of other people on your end as well (a babysitter you've had to book way in advance, the other family she turned down because she thought she had a job with you, etc.) - But if that's the case, I would explain it that way to him. The logic might make more sense to him than your feelings.

 

[Disney Doll]

Thanks for your post & viewpoint. It does pretty much sum up my thoughts/feelings. I shared the background info because in my mind it made sense to explain us a couple,-where we are now & what got us here-since I am asking for help & opinions from everyone here. I do see this as a problem with my DBF, a major issue of respect & not treating me honorably as you said-AGREED!
I'm wondering/asking- do people end long term relationships over something like what I described about Thanksgiving? I know I was hurt, aggravated & basically like ***, however I did not think, its over, I'm done.
We have so many positives & this one huge negative. Picture a scale in balance, but just one major gesture/change will push it in one direction or the other, that's us. It feels that our relationship is fragile & vulnerable. My DBF has made efforts to change the way he is approaching things.

But is a lack of respect for you, your feelings and your well being only ONE huge negative? It seems to me that there are many negatives. Not just one.

But again, only you can decide how much you are going to tolerate in this relationship. I have found, in relationships, that we get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. If it works for you, that’s fine. It wouldn’t work for me.

 

[ThistleMae]

He acknowledges that he could have handled it better, he expresses that he feels caught in the middle between me & his daughter, sometimes he seems at a loss as to why I am so upset about putting plans with me aside to do something with his daughter when she comes home from school.
For example, we have dinner together every Friday night. If his daughter is coming home for several days from college, in the past he has said something to me like, "DD is coming home for a few days, I might not be able to see you Friday night, I might be getting together with DD". I find this totally unacceptable. He can just as easily say to DD, I'm having dinner with DGF Friday night, so we can get together any other night.

She is controlling him. She is obviously very manipulative. It's like in order to have a relationship with his daughter, he has to do what he's been doing. This is so dramatic, it's almost ridiculous. He is in a very difficult situation. Maybe you should just let it go? There's nothing you can do to control her and the pressure you're putting on him just seems to be making it worse. Perhaps you should consider that what you expect from him isn't possible because of his daughter's behaviors. Why can't you just let it go?

 

[ThistleMae]

He is sharing news about his DD instead of it being an off-limits subject, basic stuff like a job interview, how things are going at school.He is letting me know in advance if he & his DD have plans together, like to a sports game. It's very basic, but makes a difference to me.

If this is all you want, then what's the issue?

 

[Positive]

I am not at all sure you really know what you want from him, and maybe that is the issue. I do not feel that a man should have to make a choice between his partner and his children, but there should be some sort of common courtesy when situations that place the two of you in the same timeframe come up. If my daughter was away at college and was able to come home for a few days, I would expect my partner to understand that I missed her and wanted to see her. I would want to make a change in a standing dinner in order to do so. People make changes all of the time, and as long as there was a conversation in place, I see nothing wrong with that.

I am on the outside looking in on your relationship, so I knwo I am only seeing a shadow of what the two of you are experienceing, but with the post I quoted I still wonder if you are using these examples of how he interacts with his daughter as a way he needs to change, When there is really a larger issue between the two of you. If you knew that he was truly committed to you a change in dinner plans would not matter, because you would feel secure with him. My husband seldom says much about anyone's relationships, but he has often said that there are two kinds of love: between two partners and the love between a parent and child, and that you can have both. If you were comfortable in your personal relationship with your partner you would not be nitpicking dinners he has with his daughter.

We are a blended family, my children are from my first marriage, and my husbands family does not accept people who are not "blood", so we have challenges. My husband loves me and our children, so we come first, but I have never made him choose. He always visited his family, took his nephews to games, etc whenever he could. I did not join him, and that was fine. Sometimes the occasions he was with them could have been difficult, but I figured that the less pressure I placed on him the better, and honestly that was the best decision. He was not given the same courtesy from his family, and anytime he was forced to make a choice he did, and that did nto always work well for them.
Now my neighbor had a blended family, and she and her husband never managed to agree on how to handle the adult children and the grandchildren. It was always "I am your spouse, I come first" with the kids being treated like intruders. They are now divorced. She told me I did not understand, but I really did. He was just not committed to her, she was a convenience and he was not going to be inconvenienced by her family, not one bit.

Your posts remind me of the two of them. A lot.

I like/appreciate your post & the details about your family situation as well as your neighbor.
I want to say that I am very willing to be flexible about plans changing if something comes up with his DD or anyone else, no problem. I would like to share the scenario I can't accept. Here is a true example of what I am talking about:
I sleep at his house on alternating Saturday nights & we typically spend the next day, Sunday, together & start the day by going out to breakfast. So imagine waking up on Sunday, making my way out to the kitchen, saying your good mornings & the next words from him are "I'm having breakfast with DD today" & only minutes later, after getting a text, he tells me that he isn't going to be going with DD.
My take on this is that there was obviously conversation that took place between DBF & his DD to plan that & he said nothing to me that it would effect our plans until the very last moment. He can do whatever he wants, just be courteous to me, & let me know when he knows different plans are in the works. DO NOT expect me to fine with benching me this way to go out with DD & DO NOT expect me to be waiting in your living room when you get back from breakfast so that the rest of our day can go on as normal.

 

[ThistleMae]

I like/appreciate your post & the details about your family situation as well as your neighbor.
I want to say that I am very willing to be flexible about plans changing if something comes up with his DD or anyone else, no problem. I would like to share the scenario I can't accept. Here is a true example of what I am talking about:
I sleep at his house on alternating Saturday nights & we typically spend the next day, Sunday, together & start the day by going out to breakfast. So imagine waking up on Sunday, making my way out to the kitchen, saying your good mornings & the next words from him are "I'm having breakfast with DD today" & only minutes later, after getting a text, he tells me that he isn't going to be going with DD.
My take on this is that there was obviously conversation that took place between DBF & his DD to plan that & he said nothing to me that it would effect our plans until the very last moment. He can do whatever he wants, just be courteous to me, & let me know when he knows different plans are in the works. DO NOT expect me to fine with benching me this way to go out with DD & DO NOT expect me to be waiting in your living room when you get back from breakfast so that the rest of our day can go on as normal.

I do get it...but if his daughter is like other young people I know, they aren't good about making or changing plans. It may be she scheduled and cancelled in the same morning. Do you know if she did this or not? And yes, it is annoying but again, he can't control her behaviors. If you already had other ideas for your morning, I would go do those. If not, then you could have breakfast with him after all. If this happened every weekend, I would be really upset...but I don't think this is the case, is it?

 

[Skywalker]

I think you are being very rigid about the daughter, wow. The daughter is away at college. He wants to see her when he can. I also can't fault him for not bringing it up until it's finalized - why stir up the hornet's nest if it turns out its for nothing...which is what happened to him that time. Frankly, it sounds exhausting to have to juggle that. Seems like both you and the daughter are competing for his time, attention and affection. That's messed up and way too much stress in life. I think you should stop acting like the daughter is some "other woman" and quit the jealousy. He's being a good dad and I don't know why you'd want to get in the middle of that.

My son is away at college and when he comes home, of course I would change any standing plans to see him. Wouldn't you? I mean really if your kids left home and wanted to see you when they came to town would you really say sorry can't going out with my boyfriend like I do every week? It wouldn't bother you if you were secure in the relationship, which you obviously aren't and that's the real issue. Bottom line you are trying to change two people, maybe three (boyfriend, his daughter and ex) when you can really only change yourself (or your situation). That is within your power, nothing more.

 

[Nancyg56]

I like/appreciate your post & the details about your family situation as well as your neighbor.
I want to say that I am very willing to be flexible about plans changing if something comes up with his DD or anyone else, no problem. I would like to share the scenario I can't accept. Here is a true example of what I am talking about:
I sleep at his house on alternating Saturday nights & we typically spend the next day, Sunday, together & start the day by going out to breakfast. So imagine waking up on Sunday, making my way out to the kitchen, saying your good mornings & the next words from him are "I'm having breakfast with DD today" & only minutes later, after getting a text, he tells me that he isn't going to be going with DD.
My take on this is that there was obviously conversation that took place between DBF & his DD to plan that & he said nothing to me that it would effect our plans until the very last moment. He can do whatever he wants, just be courteous to me, & let me know when he knows different plans are in the works. DO NOT expect me to fine with benching me this way to go out with DD & DO NOT expect me to be waiting in your living room when you get back from breakfast so that the rest of our day can go on as normal.

Okay, you keep adding more here. I am going to tell you what I told my neighbor. You allow this. You taught him how to treat you, and the first time you let yourself be treated like you were a second class citizen in this relationship between the three of you, you authorized him to continue to behave this way. My neighbor would moan and groan about how her partner and then after years of her asking him to get married, her husband treated her and her family. She then told me how awesome my own husband was in regards to our family. Um....of course he is, we insist on mutual respect. And my kids were never allowed to disrespect him either. Not as children and so never as adults. We began with that premise, and our family blossomed. Glitches? Of course. Anyway, every time she complained, she also would tell me why she accepted it. There you go.

So, what I don't understand about your relationship, based on what you have shared, is why you tolerate any of this. It is far different to make a change in a standing Friday dinner date when a child comes home from college, and finding out that your planned sunday morning breakfast was ditched and you were not even given a courtesy notice. The first time this happened would be the last for me. I had just started dating my DH when he mentioned we woudl go to the Big E. I had never been, and was lookign forward to it. Well the last weekend approached and no Big E. Um...are we going? No, he could not afford it. I told him I had no issues with that, but he should have given me a heads up that he wanted to change plans. Don't do that again, my time is important, and pretending we had not made plans was rude. He knew I meant it. I did not care about the Fair, but I was worth more than "forgetting" a date.

You keep expanding on the way he disrespects you, and yet you continue to share his positives liek they are bonus points. They are not. If you are okay with coming in last in the line of people who he must juggle that is okay. If you are nto you might want to consider laying the law down, and meaning I what you say. You cannot come between his daughter and him, and as far as cultivating a relationship betwen the two of you: that ship sailed when you interfered in her relationship. However you can insist on how you will be treated in the mess you all have. If you are not willing to take a stand and stick to it, you either accept what you have and be miserable and hurt, or you just stick it out until he disappears,

 

[Nancyg56]

I think you are being very rigid about the daughter, wow. The daughter is away at college. He wants to see her when he can. I also can't fault him for not bringing it up until it's finalized - why stir up the hornet's nest if it turns out its for nothing...which is what happened to him that time. Frankly, it sounds exhausting to have to juggle that. Seems like both you and the daughter are competing for his time, attention and affection. That's messed up and way too much stress in life. I think you should stop acting like the daughter is some "other woman" and quit the jealousy. He's being a good dad and I don't know why you'd want to get in the middle of that.

My son is away at college and when he comes home, of course I would change any standing plans to see him. Wouldn't you? I mean really if your kids left home and wanted to see you when they came to town would you really say sorry can't going out with my boyfriend like I do every week? It wouldn't bother you if you were secure in the relationship, which you obviously aren't and that's the real issue. Bottom line you are trying to change two people, maybe three (boyfriend, his daughter and ex) when you can really only change yourself (or your situation). That is within your power, nothing more.

Exactly. Loving people should not be a competition. If it is, there is a problem. Buddy says it is about priorities, not pecking order. If someone in the family needs you you go. The person left behind should trust that it is not about him or her, it is about doing the right thing. We are disgusted when we see folks pulled and pushed by a loved one guilting them.

 

[Action City]

He acknowledges that he could have handled it better, he expresses that he feels caught in the middle between me & his daughter, sometimes he seems at a loss as to why I am so upset about putting plans with me aside to do something with his daughter when she comes home from school.
For example, we have dinner together every Friday night. If his daughter is coming home for several days from college, in the past he has said something to me like, "DD is coming home for a few days, I might not be able to see you Friday night, I might be getting together with DD". I find this totally unacceptable. He can just as easily say to DD, I'm having dinner with DGF Friday night, so we can get together any other night.

If his daughter is away and comes home, you should be the one yielding for one night. Maybe he is starting to tire of your possessiveness and resentment of his child.