Curious as to why you want him to tell you about her life? What is the big deal with this for you? She wants nothing to do with you. Do you just want info so you can be critical of her choices? I just don't get your super big issue about him not sharing what happens in his daughter's life. Maybe she don't want him to share her personal information with you, have you ever thought of that? And since she absolutely wants nothing whatsoever to do with you, why would you want to know? You are placing more of a wedge between you by taking this stand. Is it worth it?
I really held off posting because this is a really personal topic for me, but you seem to genuinely care about responses and I thought I could provide another perspective. This is so long but its a complicated story.
I have been in your BF daughter’s place and maybe my particular circumstance doesn’t completely match your situation BUT here goes. About 12 years ago a parent married a new partner (I was already an adult). After a year it became very clear to me that I could not be around this person. This wasn’t a mad grudge or me throwing a temper tantrum or being a brat, but based on several different things that occurred, and for my own well being, I could not be around this person- even to glance across a room at a party. I had never had problems with anxiety, but hearing about this person or knowing that personal details of my life were being shared with this person made me a wreck.
I knew I was placing my family member in a terrible position, but told them that I could not be around this person and that it was important to me that I not be a topic of conversation with this person. I said I completely understood if they placed their relationship with their partner first, but that if the partner was going to be at an event I wouldn’t attend. This would mean they would see less of me, have a slightly different relationship with my kids who would also not attend, and if I thought I couldn’t trust them to not share personal information I was going to have to really curtail what I shared with them. I wasn’t trying to be vindictive but I felt I was protecting myself and this was the just the reality of how I felt.
My parent didn’t agree with my perception of this person and honestly didn’t think I was right to be draw such a stark line. I didn’t need them to agree with me though or tell me I was right, I was only stating what I was capable of doing and the kind of relationship I was able to have. I could have been completely in the wrong but I could not be dragged into the company of this persons- I just absolutely couldn’t. (And I’m in no way saying that you are a bad person or flawed because your BFs daughter feels that way about you- for whatever reason that’s just where she’s at).
Ultimately my parent did chose me, and I’m NOT saying this was right or wrong, but for THEM a relationship with me was more important than having their spouse at every extended family events. They continued to be with their spouse. I’m not sure how they feel about it honestly. I do have a little sympathy that it must be awkward and a little uncomfortable and I’m sure it’s been inconvenient. I don’t live locally though so they are still attending many family events that I’m not at. I know it’s been hardest for the parent caught in the middle. They are trying to do right by everyone- they don’t want to hurt their partner but they also don’t want to lose their connection to their child and grandchildren. There’s no great outcome, but they try to balance it all and we all muddled through it.
I guess bottom line it seems like you are pushing for details on your BFs daughter and trying to force yourself where you aren’t wanted. Please believe I’m not saying you are right or wrong- if that’s what YOU need then it’s perfectly valid, BUT it might not be what your BF can give you (and I don’t think that’s wrong either). Everyone has to decide what they can and cannot take and what they do and do not prioritize and value. Someone who values a relationship with a child is no more right than someone who values a partner. Both are completely valid priorities but sometimes our values and priorities don’t jive with someone else’s and that’s when you just aren’t compatible and it’s sad and heartbreaking but it’s not a failure.
If you want the relationship to work because every other part is fantastic, and you think you can live with not having a piece of this part of his life, then I’m proof it can be done successfully for over a decade now. It sounds like it would be a compromise for you though and I really encourage you to search yourself to see if you think it’s worth it to you amd what you would be willing to sacrifice. Above everything else avoid trying to determine who is “right” and try to have a little sympathy that the situation probably feels horrible to the other two parties too. Whew...