Relationship Struggle

[Positive]

If I had to guess the answer to what happened is right here. The time for many mental disorders to rear their heads is right around the college age. It may be that your BF recognizes the changes in his daughter and is entirely unable and/or unwilling to accept what they signal. It would also explain his overly sensitive response to her being called a brat.

You say you're bothered at the idea of being excluded from college graduation, marriage, birth of a child, etc. IMO those are the least of your problems. You're looking at spending all sorts of holidays and events on the outside, looking in. I'd take a long, hard look at whether or not ever decreasing scraps is going to be enough of a relationship as the years go on, because that's precisely the future you need to prepare yourself for unless and until your BF is willing to address some type of peaceful compromise. If he won't discuss the matter at all, what makes you think things will ever improve? Are you prepared for the future to be nothing more than the current state of affairs?

Sorry when I mentioned possible mental illness, I meant his ex wife not his DD.
No, I am not wanting the current state of affairs to continue, so I reached out for some suggestions & DISers have really delivered. I'm not the type that would simply sit & wallow if my DBF was spending time apart from me with his side of the family, that is to be expected. What gets me upset is the exclusion, not being asked at all because DD will be a part of the scene. So not okay with that.

 

[amberpi]

Op, I wish you the best and all the happiness. I have terrible luck with romance - my "picker" is broken as they say. I do know more than one should about being manipulated and how hurtful that can be, especially coupled with never being first in the relationship. while your relationship is untraditional, you've invested a lot into it. Please get therapy. Your dbf may not even realize that not deciding about thanksgiving (this kind of shenanigans made me insane) is so problematic, or it may become clear that he doesn't hold the relationship in the same regard you do. Regardless, therapy will give you some clarity around all these issues and ive never heard anyone say "man, I wish I hadn't done that or had put it off." Again, the best of luck to you.

 

[Positive]

I am so sorry, truly I am. This is so hard to believe it is happening. Time to open those eyes.

Did you ever imagine living together? Just curious?

Yes, I did & WE did. We used to talk about a lot. Life for me got very busy needing to step in to raise my nieces followed my my nephew. Their life was way harder than any of this & they needed stability. I will honestly say, I can't remember the last time we talked about it with any real sense of possibility. I recognize things have changed between us & I am struggling with it & I think he is too. Practically crying typing that sentence.

 

[Dumbo777]

I will judge him on this instance alone and say he is not an honorable person.

I would have taught him a lesson and told him "Sorry, you didn't make any mention that you wanted to come over so I didn't make enough food. Tough luck"

 

[Positive]

Op, I wish you the best and all the happiness. I have terrible luck with romance - my "picker" is broken as they say. I do know more than one should about being manipulated and how hurtful that can be, especially coupled with never being first in the relationship. while your relationship is untraditional, you've invested a lot into it. Please get therapy. Your dbf may not even realize that not deciding about thanksgiving (this kind of shenanigans made me insane) is so problematic, or it may become clear that he doesn't hold the relationship in the same regard you do. Regardless, therapy will give you some clarity around all these issues and ive never heard anyone say "man, I wish I hadn't done that or had put it off." Again, the best of luck to you.

Thank you, I need some luck. I am fine with an untraditional relationship, it has never bothered me. I do, however, need to feel valued & that we are meeting each other 50/50 to maintain our union. I have felt things are lopsided for some time like a heaviness between us that was never there before.

 

[Positive]

I would have taught him a lesson and told him "Sorry, you didn't make any mention that you wanted to come over so I didn't make enough food. Tough luck"

This made me laugh! All day on Thanksgiving I was telling myself I should do that, but in the end I couldn't.

 

[Pink Partridge]

So-I will state the obvious & say I am emotionally involved (if you couldn't tell)!
Can you please tell me, in your opinion, why his honor is lacking? What is it about it that hits a nerve with you?

His honor is lacking because he would not decide if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with you. You, his girlfriend of 18 years. He did not care about your feelings. He kept you hanging because that's what he feels you deserve.

You are not in a loving or caring relationship. I wish you were my friend in real life. I would hug you and get you help.

 

[Dumbo777]

Yes, I did & WE did. We used to talk about a lot. Life for me got very busy needing to step in to raise my nieces followed my my nephew. Their life was way harder than any of this & they needed stability. I will honestly say, I can't remember the last time we talked about it with any real sense of possibility. I recognize things have changed between us & I am struggling with it & I think he is too. Practically crying typing that sentence.

Big hugs hon. I know what you are going through can't be easy. You do need to stand up for yourself though, if you don't no one will.

 

[mom2rtk]

Am I the only one skeptical of the guy telling the new girlfriend the ex-wife had mental health issues?

 

[Positive]

His daughter comes first in his life. It is what it is. Honestly, I believe she should come first. She is his child. Just as your children should come first. You are NOT married. You have not lived together as a family. There is a REASON for that. His choice was made long ago. For whatever reason you have not seen it. Yes, he's kind, he's honest, he's a good person. He's also NOT your HUSBAND. You are NOT his WIFE. His choice was made long ago. You are just seeing it now. You may now be looking for more of a commitment, it would seem he's not comfortable with that. He's told you straight out, his daughter comes first. Does it really matter why or when that started?Is he right or wrong? Doesn't matter. He's made his priorities clear. It's time to move on and focus on the good things in your life.

I have conflicted feelings about the whole children come first philosophy. I agree that when your children are young, it must be that way because they rely on you for everything. You are their entire world. As they grow up, I feel like couples need to be sure they are taking care of the needs of their partner & making them the priority otherwise, once your children are grown, what are you left with? Two adults that have drifted apart but have kids together.
As you stated in big bold letters, we are NOT MARRIED or HUSBAND/WIFE. I am ok with that, I would consider getting married, but not under these circumstances of course. I do believe if something is meant to be it will be & if it isn't, well it isn't. He's never told me straight out my daughter comes first, it's his actions that are leaving me feeling left on the back burner.

 

[AppleDumpling]

Yes, I did & WE did. We used to talk about a lot. Life for me got very busy needing to step in to raise my nieces followed by my nephew. Their life was way harder than any of this & they needed stability. I will honestly say, I can't remember the last time we talked about it with any real sense of possibility. I recognize things have changed between us & I am struggling with it & I think he is too. Practically crying typing that sentence.

But see, even how you worded this: “life for ME got very busy...” indicates that you were living a separate life independently from him, thinking in terms of me, rather than us. This unexpected bump in the road could have been the perfect opportunity to prove the strength of his commitment to you by making it legal, or at least combining households and parenting these girls and boy together as a couple. What you have for 18 years may resemble a marriage to you but is not really the same.

 

[Positive]

Am I the only one skeptical of the guy telling the new girlfriend the ex-wife had mental health issues?

To clarify, he didn't say that to me. I said it here as a possibility for his ex, only because her behavior is so erratic.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Yes, the ex-wife. There are all different kinds of crazy. I'm sure some or most here, read this & think mine fits the bill, lol! I promise you if you met me or us as a couple, you would never suspect that we have been contending with this.
What I know is that she is a volatile, hostile person. She is a button-pusher & likes to majorly stir up problems. You could have a point, but wouldn't that mean that she wants to leave her mother's home, perhaps to live with her father? She could definitely have resentment if she feels he failed to keep her safe, but I'm not sure that is the case. He was very involved all of her childhood years. We did not start a family together. I would have loved to consider the option of having more children, but I adopted 2 daughters & had my hands very full.

Yeah, see, children can't live with a "volatile, hostile person" without being affected by that. Even if the hostility wasn't directed at the child it still creates an environment of chaos. But who are we kidding? Of course the hostility was directed at the child at least some of the time, because that's what volatile people do -- they lash out at whomever happens to be nearby when they fly into one of their rages.

As for why the daughter may not have asked to live with Dad if things were so bad at Mom's house, it could be as simple as the child fearing the repercussions of her mother knowing she wanted to leave.

And if her father separated from her mother, moved out, got into a relationship with another woman where he took on a fatherly role to her children... that could certainly look like he'd "started a new family" from her perspective regardless if you and he share biological children together.

 

[Positive]

But see, even how you worded this: “life for ME got very busy...” indicates that you were living a separate life independently from him, thinking in terms of me, rather than us. This unexpected bump in the road could have been the perfect opportunity to prove the strength of his commitment to you by making it legal, or at least combining households and parenting these girls and boy together as a couple. What you have for 18 years may resemble a marriage to you but is not really the same.

I am living a separate, independent life from him. It doesn't mean we were not/are not working together as a team. I didn't feel like he needed to prove anything to me regarding the very life altering decision to bring 2 more kids into the picture that needed love & stability. If he had thrown his hands up & said not for me, I would have said alrighty then, have a good life. If he had said, let's talk about moving in together or getting married, I would have chatted, but he didn't do either. He supported me through all of it & it was 2 years of court, custody battles, home visits, etc. He held me when I cried, when I was so overwhelmed I thought I would burst open, when my job gave me a hard time, etc. My babies were 2 & 4 & had been through hell. It was not easy at all, kids that have been through trauma & neglect need so much time, energy & patience. It is tough even now, I just have more experience. There was no chance they were going into foster care when I am fully capable of doing the right thing for them.

 

[Positive]

Yeah, see, children can't live with a "volatile, hostile person" without being affected by that. Even if the hostility wasn't directed at the child it still creates an environment of chaos. But who are we kidding? Of course the hostility was directed at the child at least some of the time, because that's what volatile people do -- they lash out at whomever happens to be nearby when they fly into one of their rages.

As for why the daughter may not have asked to live with Dad if things were so bad at Mom's house, it could be as simple as the child fearing the repercussions of her mother knowing she wanted to leave.

And if her father separated from her mother, moved out, got into a relationship with another woman where he took on a fatherly role to her children... that could certainly look like he'd "started a new family" from her perspective regardless if you and he share biological children together.

Yes, I can agree that this most definitely happened. I can't say that I witnessed it, per se but I did see DD upset from time to time when her mother would become enraged. This factored in with what DBF has told me about points in his marriage to her would make sense. I also do feel as though his DD has jealousy issues which I have noticed in years past directed at my younger daughter when she wanted him to be part of a daddy-daughter dance part of her recital.

 

[VandVsmama]

I'm only up to pg 5 so far in reading up on this thread, but the whole thing with your BF's daughter and your nephew/son/whatever you call him dating her falls into the realm of Jerry Springer talk show material.

Way too much drama.

If you really were satisfied and happy with the status quo, then you wouldn't be saying that you're unhappy with the current state of affairs. You are not looking to get married to your BF and that's totally fine. But you want to be given the same respect as a spouse would receive. And your BF is, frankly, treating you like crap. Only he's wrapped it in nice wrapping paper and disguised it so you will ignore and hopefully forget that he's treating you like an 18 year long booty call.

Actions speak louder than words. If he really considers you family like he SAYS he does, then you wouldn't be excluded by him to every family event. And being in a relationship like that for 18 long years? Something rotten is in the state of Denmark. Something isn't right here.

You are wasting your time with this guy. You deserve better treatment. But you are certainly free to continue if you want in a relationship in which your boyfriend treats you well and says nice things to you in private, but in front of others, won't even be in the same room as you...and excludes you and pretends in front of his family like you don't exist. You need to ask yourself why you are willing to be treated that way. Why are you willing to be treated like that by a person who claims to care about you so much?

 

[Positive]

His honor is lacking because he would not decide if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with you. You, his girlfriend of 18 years. He did not care about your feelings. He kept you hanging because that's what he feels you deserve.

You are not in a loving or caring relationship. I wish you were my friend in real life. I would hug you and get you help.

Ok, this is how I felt too, so thanks for validating it for me. My relationship is in a state, I have seen that for awhile, not broken but bent- I am hoping we can work on it in some meaningful way, for real to make a difference. I miss sure we could be friends in the real world, especially if you like Disney, lol!

 

[Shanti]

He supported me through all of it & it was 2 years of court, custody battles, home visits, etc. He held me when I cried, when I was so overwhelmed I thought I would burst open, when my job gave me a hard time, etc. My babies were 2 & 4 & had been through hell. It was not easy at all, kids that have been through trauma & neglect need so much time, energy & patience. It is tough even now, I just have more experience. There was no chance they were going into foster care when I am fully capable of doing the right thing for them.

That's why we're rooting for you to get professional help to fix this dysfunctional relationship, or to leave this guy. You truly deserve so much more.

I have no doubt that he has sometimes been extremely loving, affectionate, and very much there for you. But that isn't the whole story here. That's the part of the story that your mind holds onto when you consider ending things. And your mind represses the disrespect and the distancing you've persistently endured for so long.

This is how abusive relationships thrive. For example, a battered wife often stays with her man more out of love than out of fear. She thinks her man loves her, but that he just has a problem, and that she's strong enough to handle it. She doesn't acknowledge the conscious manipulation on his part, or the lack of self-esteem on her part that is allowing this to continue.

I'll always remember an interview I heard Brett Butler (comedianne & former battered wife) give, in which she mentioned how she once ran into a friend of her abusive ex, who said that she shouldn't put her ex down all the time.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because he's really a great guy," the ex's friend said.

"I know that," Brett replied. "Do you think I would have let a total a**hole beat me up for 3 years?"

The moral of that is that even abusive men (and your bf is emotionally abusive, even if he's unaware of it), are sometimes loving, fun or tender. There are good times even in many bad relationships, but that doesn't mean the relationship itself is strong or healthy.

You've done so much for others in your life, and sacrificed so much. You deserve to be well-treated and truly a full and equal part of a man's life.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Yes, I can agree that this most definitely happened. I can't say that I witnessed it, per se but I did see DD upset from time to time when her mother would become enraged. This factored in with what DBF has told me about points in his marriage to her would make sense. I also do feel as though his DD has jealousy issues which I have noticed in years past directed at my younger daughter when she wanted him to be part of a daddy-daughter dance part of her recital.

It had to be incredibly difficult for her to grow up alongside your children comparing and contrasting her family experiences with theirs. They, by all appearances, were living a happy life in a stable family with her father, while she was left to walk on eggshells around a mentally unstable mother in a house full of turmoil.

 

[VandVsmama]

I will judge him on this instance alone and say he is not an honorable person.

I agree.

So why is the BF's behavior re: Thanksgiving not honorable? Let me count the ways....

1. For a man who CLAIMS to care about you so much, he certainly seems to be very conflicted with regards to where he actually wants to spend Thanksgiving Day.
2. Have you considered the possibility that he spent the first part of Thanksgiving Day with his DD and the rest of his family....had a full Thanksgiving Dinner there, and THEN called you at 3 pm to say, "Can I still come to dinner?"
3. Either he's totally lying to you OR he is a gutless wonder who can't make a decision.
4. So he told you that he was still deciding....Choosing NOT to decide IS making a choice!
5. You know what he should have done? Told his DD and the rest of his family that you ARE a part of his family and you & your kids ARE joining him for Thanksgiving and if they all don't like it, they can take a long walk off a short pier and that's that.
6. But no...he didn't stick up for you. Instead, he perhaps was trying to keep 2 disagreeing parties happy by trying to please everybody and, in doing so, probably ended up ticking everybody off...you and his DD and his other relatives.
7. Whatever way you slice it, whatever his story is, he's not an honorable man who will stick up for his girlfriend of 18 years. I mean seriously, after 18 years, this is how the love of your life treats you? And OMG, really...doing yard work all day on Thanksgiving Day? Give me a break. When he could be spending time with you and the rest of his family? If you believe that one, you are very gullible.