Relationship Struggle

[luvsJack]

I am happy to have your post to read. What would you do if this was you & your adult child refused? Neither of us can make her join a conversation. If you have a suggestion there, I would listen.
I definitely do not attack her at all nor have I ever spoken badly about her mother to her, I just wouldn't do that. My DBF & I have had many conversations about his ex over the years. He is much more likely to bring up the damage her mother has done with regard to negativity towards me.
If my child acted this way towards my DBF, I would let my son or daughter know this is the person I love & he is welcome into my home & life at all times. If you have a problem with something that happened, let's talk about it, otherwise expect to see him often. If you choose to not be somewhere that we are, I will be sorry to
hear it, but that is your choice, sweetheart.

No you can’t make her and I have to admit even at 35, none of mine would refuse.

If it was my kids, I would have a long talk to them about the issues and then tell them that we have to get with dh to hash it out. As the parent they don’t have the issue with, it would be up to me not to take a side or relay messages to let anyone know what’s going on.

That, it seems to me, is a big part of the problem. He isn’t telling you what the heck the problem is. So in essence he is taking her side.

At the end of the day, the problem is with him not her. She is a mostly grown young adult. He is not treating you with the respect of a life partner in this situation.

 

[Skywalker]

We didn't get a lot of details but I believe the DD and nephew were teens at the time. It's not totally crazy for the parent of a teen to have some input into a relationship they see as inappropriate. I'm going way out on a limb here but the problem as the parents saw it may have been them being sexually active right under their noses due to everyone's close proximity. Personally, I'd have had a lot to say about that if it were one of my children and tried to curtail it as well. YMMV.

I get that, but she didn't say anything about being sexually active, her concern was that things would be awkward if they broke up, basically. She at no point indicated she had an issue with either one actually being bad for one another or anything. That would be different. It was just about her and boyfriend's feelings though, and I don't think that was fair to the daughter or nephew. Besides, the last thing you want to do if you disapprove of a relationship is turn them into Romeo and Juliet in their own minds lol.

 

[ronandannette]

I get that, but she didn't say anything about being sexually active, her concern was that things would be awkward if they broke up, basically. She at no point indicated she had an issue with either one actually being bad for one another or anything. That would be different. It was just about her and boyfriend's feelings though, and I don't think that was fair to the daughter or nephew. Besides, the last thing you want to do if you disapprove of a relationship is turn them into Romeo and Juliet in their own minds lol.

Maybe. I was just taking a stab at it. I'd be interested to hear about the nephew's point of view; whether or not he's bitter towards the OP and her BF.

 

[starry_solo]

Ok, I read through all 10 pages (I've actually been lurking since page 3) but have decided to post.

To make sure I have all the details correct:
College-aged daughter is somewhere between 18 and 22, correct? Unless you're in a state which didn't require children to be enrolled in school until 7 or 8, in which case this college-aged daughter is 21-24.

You have been in a relationship with her father for 18 years, so either since she was a baby or a toddler. He was still married to her mother when you got involved in this relationship. Yes, he told you it was a rocky relationship and was going to end due to her infidelity, but it hadn't yet ended so to speak (because he wasn't divorced). Do we even know whether the infidelity was actually true? It probably doesn't matter for the sake of this post, but assuming it is true, it doesn't seem like the mother remains involved with this man.

You and your BF don't live together, but he helped you through some tough times early in the relationship with adopting your own children (originally they were your nieces, but now are your daughters). BF's DD was in a relationship with your nephew, neither parent approved and you told them so (in their teens) but that has now fizzled out.

I didn't see any other pertinent information about what occurred between 18 years ago and 2 years ago, when you feel like you started having relationship issues.

You and BF don't live together and don't seem to communicate well when certain issues arise (the ones that you don't agree on).

My thoughts:
Have you considered that DD harbors a resentment that you broke up her family? She considers you the "other woman" in the relationship, so to speak? The "other woman" who is still around? This, culminated with your disapproval of her relationship with your nephew, has her disliking you even more than she already did? That she "put up" with you when she was young, but now that she's an adult, she has decided she doesn't have to anymore?

With regards to the Thanksgiving Day issue, I think other posters have hit the nail on the head, so to speak. To leave you hanging as to what he was going to do on Thanksgiving and you not even bothering to ask whether he was coming over? Without even saying anything, it seems to be clear what he thinks of the relationship, which is unfortunately not good news for you.

It seems that the two of you need to have a long overdue discussion about where each of you sees this relationship. I agree with the other posters in that he is not honorable at all. I think you have put far more into this relationship with your BF than he has, at least within the past few years. He is choosing his daughter over you, whether you want to see it or not. Perhaps due to guilt or something else that we don't know about.

I don't think apologizing for the disapproval of the relationship with your nephew would go over well. I think it is deeper than that - the "other woman" issue that I brought up above. That's probably not going to go away.

 

[Dumbo777]

Ok, I read through all 10 pages (I've actually been lurking since page 3) but have decided to post.

To make sure I have all the details correct:
College-aged daughter is somewhere between 18 and 22, correct? Unless you're in a state which didn't require children to be enrolled in school until 7 or 8, in which case this college-aged daughter is 21-24.

You have been in a relationship with her father for 18 years, so either since she was a baby or a toddler. He was still married to her mother when you got involved in this relationship. Yes, he told you it was a rocky relationship and was going to end due to her infidelity, but it hadn't yet ended so to speak (because he wasn't divorced). Do we even know whether the infidelity was actually true? It probably doesn't matter for the sake of this post, but assuming it is true, it doesn't seem like the mother remains involved with this man.

You and your BF don't live together, but he helped you through some tough times early in the relationship with adopting your own children (originally they were your nieces, but now are your daughters). BF's DD was in a relationship with your nephew, neither parent approved and you told them so (in their teens) but that has now fizzled out.

I didn't see any other pertinent information about what occurred between 18 years ago and 2 years ago, when you feel like you started having relationship issues.

You and BF don't live together and don't seem to communicate well when certain issues arise (the ones that you don't agree on).

My thoughts:
Have you considered that DD harbors a resentment that you broke up her family? She considers you the "other woman" in the relationship, so to speak? The "other woman" who is still around? This, culminated with your disapproval of her relationship with your nephew, has her disliking you even more than she already did? That she "put up" with you when she was young, but now that she's an adult, she has decided she doesn't have to anymore?

With regards to the Thanksgiving Day issue, I think other posters have hit the nail on the head, so to speak. To leave you hanging as to what he was going to do on Thanksgiving and you not even bothering to ask whether he was coming over? Without even saying anything, it seems to be clear what he thinks of the relationship, which is unfortunately not good news for you.

It seems that the two of you need to have a long overdue discussion about where each of you sees this relationship. I agree with the other posters in that he is not honorable at all. I think you have put far more into this relationship with your BF than he has, at least within the past few years. He is choosing his daughter over you, whether you want to see it or not. Perhaps due to guilt or something else that we don't know about.

I don't think apologizing for the disapproval of the relationship with your nephew would go over well. I think it is deeper than that - the "other woman" issue that I brought up above. That's probably not going to go away.

I have a question to add to this...OP you stated that you have tried very hard to have a relationship with his daughter. You said that you text her about school and if she is feeling I'll that you text that you hope she gets better. What kind of relationship does your bf have with your kids? Does he stay involved in their lives? Is putting forth the same effort you are? As in having and trying to maintain a relationship with them?

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I also have a question (apologies if it was already answered):

OP, did the relationship with the daughter turn sour at the same time as her relationship with the nephew, is this a more recent development, or was your relationship with her already strained and the nephew drama just added to it? I'm struggling to believe everything was hunky-dory and she's holding an adult hatred for you over a broken teen romance. Did her active dislike for you seem to come on suddenly, when was that turning point, and what other things were going on at the time? Or did she always dislike you and things have slowly gotten worse with time?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I want to clarify that I *do* see his family & go to family things with him & there was a time that this was not an issue.
I shared details previously about an interaction at my DBFs sister's home.
These days, when his daughter comes home from college, such as over these recent holidays, what happens is my DBF will tell me, we (meaning he & DD) are going to my sister's house tonight for X's birthday (one of her kids). In this instance, I'm not asked to come-kind of an unspoken I will be with DD tonight.
Thanksgiving was ridiculous imo. I host every year & for all of our years but 2016 he has come to my house. Right up until Thanksgiving day, I had no idea what he was doing or whose table he would be sitting at. I made it a point not to ask, I had plenty else going on that week & he knows that I make dinner & all the other festivities we have. Instead I waited to for him to speak about his plans. Whatever he decided, would be fine. I am not going to be petty or bitter because he wants to spend that holiday with his side of the family, but make a decision! Nobody knew what he was doing, he was home cleaning up his yard until finally at about 3 he asked if he could come for dinner. My answer was yes. The next day I had many words for him about his actions/behavior.

OK, so I am going to come at this a little differently than most other posters, to give maybe another viewpoint to consider. Personally, when I read the above, I see TWO people being disrepsectful to one another in a relationship, two people playing mind games. Yes, your boyfriend ought to have told you his plans far sooner. Then again, I think YOU ought to have asked. Without drama. If you weren't sure, refusing to ask ("I made it a point not to ask" and "I waited for him to speak about his plans") and then after the fact having "many words" about it strikes me as manipulative and creating unneeded drama. BOTH of you failed at communicating and being fair to the other one beforehand.
I wonder how often such things happen? Because from my standpoint, niether of you was acting like a team player in that scenario.

As far as your boyfriend choosing to spend time with his family without you when DD is there, I am also not seeing that as such a huge issue as others are. You say you also spend time with his faimly and are included when the DD is not around? I can understand that if the two of you are just not getting along (regardless of who is at fault, or what the root cause is), someone who loves both you and her might reasonably choose to spend time with each of you seperately and not put the two of you together. And it sounds like he was upfront about it (telling you his DD and he would be doing xyz on such and such a date) and striving to also carve out time to be with you (pairing that with also saying he wanted to go out with you sometime soon thereafter, with a firm plan about when/where). Heck, I know married couples where someone doesn't get along with the in laws so one spouse sees his family without the other spouse. It isn't always about choosing one relationship over another; sometimes it can be about choosing yourself and to maintain relationships with everyone you love even if that means some of the circles cannot cross.


And, I am going to agree with the majority about the relationship between your nephew and his DD. At the end of the day, it appears your primary concern was that it would be awkward for you and your boyfriend if/when the kids broke up--so you tried to stop the relationship in some other way. You both put your own comfort, as adults, above that of the teens. It's hard to fault one or both of those "kids" for holding a grudge about that.

 

[Positive]

It was mean. What was his reaction to you telling him how you felt the next day? Did he even apologize or acknowledge how his actions made you feel. Sorry if I'm being nosey. I just feel for you. I went through something similar. At the end of the day you are going to have to decide how you will allow yourself to be treated and at what point you need to draw the line. Everyone can offer spectacular advice, but you are the only person living your life.

First, you are not being nosey at all. I have chosen to share. My memory of our conversation was that it was calm, but I also know my frustration was visible. I don't remember him apologizing. He listened & said he understands where I'm coming from, but denied that holding out on letting me or anyone else in on his plans had nothing to do with waiting to hear what DDs plans might be.

 

[Positive]

I feel really badly for you, OP. I was in a drawn out and emotionally abusive relationship myself and I know how truly awful it is to feel like you're not being respected or treated the way you deserve. Maybe I'm just projecting here based on my own horrible experience, but your bf sounds like he lacks a spine to deal with conflict. Mine would either flat out ignore me when I brought up something that hurt me, deny he did anything wrong, tell me I was too sensitive, etc, etc. I had never even heard of gas lighting before dating him but man, he was like the textbook definition of it. I'd never experienced that type of emotional abuse before and never want to again. I hope your bf is at least discussing this with you and acknowledging how hurtful his behavior is to you. Don't stay in this type of situation too long if his BEHAVIOR (not words or promises) does not change... know that you deserve so much better!

Thank you for sharing. When I read your response, it made me think that people here are really incredible. To offer me words of encouragement & advice, you had to look back at a tough, painful time in your own past & that can be hard.
I definitely don't want to portray myself as a victim. I know this year MUST be a turning point for us. I need to see some concrete action from DBF. I also recognize that this is my side of the story, he has his feelings & opinions too. Not to generalize, but men do have feelings & may not always want or know how to dig in there & get it straightened out.

 

[Hillbeans]

I also have a question (apologies if it was already answered):

OP, did the relationship with the daughter turn sour at the same time as her relationship with the nephew, is this a more recent development, or was your relationship with her already strained and the nephew drama just added to it? I'm struggling to believe everything was hunky-dory and she's holding an adult hatred for you over a broken teen romance. Did her active dislike for you seem to come on suddenly, when was that turning point, and what other things were going on at the time? Or did she always dislike you and things have slowly gotten worse with time?

I have just finished all 10 pages (phew) and this is where my questions come in as well - did I actually read that the ex-wife asked or had your nephew move in to her home?

Every story has a villain. This is your role in this story. You are the bad guy according to the ex-wife, the daughter and now the BF. While I don't think you did anything to warrant that role, this is the role you have and will have for as long as this relationship has wheels. I also don't know why you or your BF have given the ex-wife so much pull over your relationship. Your BF is making you the bad guy in this story allowing this to continue for so many years. I share children with my ex and can tell you that there is no way he would allow that in his relationship nor will I allow it in mine. While there needs to be some contact between all of us at some point, it's minor and neither of us would EVER give that much power to an ex.

I have been in a semi-long distance relationship for going on 6 years with school-aged children so I get all of the dynamics and struggles around holidays and sharing the children. At this point you are the one who needs to make a decision as I am fairly sure your BF has already made his choice, as others have said, by NOT making a choice to make you happy or put you first after 18 years. I am sorry, I really am.

 

[piccolopat]

I want to clarify that I *do* see his family & go to family things with him & there was a time that this was not an issue.
I shared details previously about an interaction at my DBFs sister's home.
These days, when his daughter comes home from college, such as over these recent holidays, what happens is my DBF will tell me, we (meaning he & DD) are going to my sister's house tonight for X's birthday (one of her kids). In this instance, I'm not asked to come-kind of an unspoken I will be with DD tonight.
Thanksgiving was ridiculous imo. I host every year & for all of our years but 2016 he has come to my house. Right up until Thanksgiving day, I had no idea what he was doing or whose table he would be sitting at. I made it a point not to ask, I had plenty else going on that week & he knows that I make dinner & all the other festivities we have. Instead I waited to for him to speak about his plans. Whatever he decided, would be fine. I am not going to be petty or bitter because he wants to spend that holiday with his side of the family, but make a decision! Nobody knew what he was doing, he was home cleaning up his yard until finally at about 3 he asked if he could come for dinner. My answer was yes. The next day I had many words for him about his actions/behavior.

OP, this post is exactly why so many of are confused about the true nature of your relationship. If your DBF is truly like a husband (just that he lives someplace else), he wouldn't have to ask if he could come to dinner. There's a lot of baggage in this relationship, some that came from the start like his ex-wife and daughter and some that you contributed to (objections to the daughter/nephew relationship). I think you should start with couples therapy to make sure you both view the relationship in the same way and can agree on a strategy for handling DD and family issues going forward. At some point, family therapy that includes his daughter might also be helpful.

It really does sound like you are both comfortable in your relationship but from an outsider looking in, I can tell you that this does not appear to be a marriage relationship. Good luck with finding an answer and I hope things work out for you.

 

[Positive]

OP: it has taken me a little bit of time to read trough all the responses.

While I don’t think you are wrong with feeling uncomfortable with the relationship between your newphew and his daughter, it may help things to talk to her about it if you can.
Apologise to her for something (something you are comfortable with, this may be saying “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your viewpoint on the relationship” or “I’m sorry I pushed my view of us being a family unit” or “I’m sorry for the way I handled things”.
It doesn’t mean saying you are sorry that you were uncomfortable with the relationship, but I do bet you are sorry for how it has turned out (not saying that’s all on you). An apology/admittance of error can catch people off guard, and give you a chance to talk to her, let her know that oh want at least a civil relationship.

As far as DBF goes, 18 years and no one has moved in together is not a committed relationship, sorry. I don’t agree with the other posters that you have to be married but you haven’t made a family unit at all, and Thanksgiving is the surest sign of that, as a unit it should be a given that you are spending it together.
He cannot be excluding you from family events if you are part of his family unit.

I would tell him that you are ok with him and DD doing things without you, but anything as a group she should need to deal with it, he should not be cancelling plans with you to do something with DD, and he should be committing to plans with you for things like Thanksgiving.
If he isn’t willing to do that little then I would cut and run.

Look a head at your life together-what do you want? Do you want to live together? Are you ok if you never do?
Are you ok if you are cut from DDs life:not invited to her wedding, baby showers, grandchildren’s Birthday parties? That is a lot of his life she is being allowed to cut you out of.
And if you aren’t on the same page on these things:again cut and run.
It will be hard to break up for sure, this person has spent a long time playing a significant part in your life, but if you want something better, you aren’t going to find while still trying to make it work with him.

I would love to have a sit down with my DBFs DD, at this point she refuses. What you posted is EXACTLY along the lines of what I would say too. I would simply like the chance to clear the air. Easier said than done.
As far as looking ahead at our life & future together, that is what I am doing. DBF is my first real, long term relationship. I do not have a lot of experience with men or break ups. If what we have together has to end, I will be willing to do that for the good of both of us, but I'm no quitter either. For myself, I need to be 110% sure that we are no longer good for each other. I respect your opinion & will say that it has been a committed relationship. He has been my person & I his for all the good, bad & everything in between. It has never bothered me that at the end of most days, we each sleep in a different house.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Maybe instead of having a long sit down talk with the daughter maybe start with short messages and gradually work up to long talks. This is a girl you know doesn't like you. I wouldn't start out with a long talk right out of the gate. Even though I think you I don't think I'd bother with her to be honest. I'd concentrate on your boyfriend to me he is where the real problem lies.

 

[Positive]

I agree that family means different things and that it isn't as simple as being married or living together. Lifestyles can be very diverse and so can definitions of it, but....you state you have never been as close as you would have liked. It doesn't sound like she has any emotional connection to you, and maybe in part that is due to her mother, but the reality of it is that she doesn't see you as a step-mother. The two of you have never gotten close. The issue with she and your nephew didn't help that situation any and neither did her mother's support of it over you and your DB' opposition to it (whatever form that took). You did mention that the issue you have is with how he is handling the situation, which are your feelings about how she treats you. This is something he can't control either. You did say he's tried to talk to her, correct, or did I get that wrong? What more do you want him to do? Be specific.

No you have it right, he has told me he talks to her about it & I do believe that to be true. You have the other details correct as well. I can't/won't/wouldn't want to "tell" him what to say to his DD. He needs to find the words that make sense for him. I will tell you exactly what I would say if this was reversed & it was my child. I would say I need speak to you DD & let you know that going forward, I am no longer willing to be the in the middle. DBF is my choice in life & you should expect to see him around often. If you choose to not attend a family function or participate in something going on, it will sadden/disappoint me, but it will not prevent me from asking him to be there. I also will no longer put plans on hold with DBF if you are unable to commit to something in a fair amount of time. You are now a young adult, you are smart, caring & respectful in other areas of your life. I am asking you to extend me that same respect. If there is something to discuss, let's put it on the table & work on it.
Something like that.

 

[Positive]

I do understand that you were worried about what could happen if they broke up, but sometimes you just have to "cross that bridge when you come to it". By forcing the issue, you assured that something bad happened. (I'm not trying to beat you up now about a bad decision - I've made plenty of my own! I'm just agreeing with @mummabear about taking partial responsibility for the rift.) I can't say whether the DD would be receptive to an apology or not, as it sounds like she won't talk with you. - Do you think maybe she'd read a letter?

I also wanted to say that I can see why you might have hesitated to move in together when you took in your nieces. I expect you were trying to protect them from more and more changes all at once. It does make for a unique relationship with your BF, though. The two of you made a conscious decision to keep some distance, so things like Thanksgiving aren't a "given" - but he does owe you the courtesy of deciding in advance. (And it's not nagging to ask him straight out!) Stringing you along isn't fair at all, and I think it demonstrates one of two things - either he's feeling helpless and really doesn't know how to handle this, or he's questioning the relationship, but doesn't want to admit that. I'm definitely curious about what he said the next day!

I can see where we may have hit the panic button too quickly with my nephew & his DD. It was a visceral reaction for both of us, we just both looked at each other & were in disbelief. Funny, I don't think I have considered a letter, so that is an option. I am fearful he is also questioning the relationship which would explain why I am feeling a disconnect with him at times, the simple little things, chit chat etc not gone entirely but not the same as before. I did post about speaking after Thanksgiving. I am remembering also that I don't think we spoke for several days after, which is not good.

 

[mummabear]

I would love to have a sit down with my DBFs DD, at this point she refuses. What you posted is EXACTLY along the lines of what I would say too. I would simply like the chance to clear the air. Easier said than done.
As far as looking ahead at our life & future together, that is what I am doing. DBF is my first real, long term relationship. I do not have a lot of experience with men or break ups. If what we have together has to end, I will be willing to do that for the good of both of us, but I'm no quitter either. For myself, I need to be 110% sure that we are no longer good for each other. I respect your opinion & will say that it has been a committed relationship. He has been my person & I his for all the good, bad & everything in between. It has never bothered me that at the end of most days, we each sleep in a different house.

I believe you that it is committed as far as being monogamous.
I asked about the living together because I wonder how you see this long term-when you are 50,60,70?
No matter how unconventional the family is, it doesn’t matter as long as it works for both of you, and you are both on the same page.
But I can see how to his DD you wouldn’t seem like family.
And the question you need to see is does he see your relationship as seriously as you do, does he believe you are his life partner?

w that going forward, I am no longer willing to be the in the middle. DBF is my choice in life & you should expect to see him around often. If you choose to not attend a family function or participate in something going on, it will sadden/disappoint me, but it will not prevent me from asking him to be there. I also will no longer put plans on hold with DBF if you are unable to commit to something in a fair amount of time. You are now a young adult, you are smart, caring & respectful in other areas of your life. I am asking you to extend me that same respect. If there is something to discuss, let's put it on the table & work on it.
Something like that.

This is a completely reasonable thing to expect him to do.

I can see where we may have hit the panic button too quickly with my nephew & his DD. It was a visceral reaction for both of us, we just both looked at each other & were in disbelief. Funny, I don't think I have considered a letter, so that is an option. I am fearful he is also questioning the relationship which would explain why I am feeling a disconnect with him at times, the simple little things, chit chat etc not gone entirely but not the same as before. I did post about speaking after Thanksgiving. I am remembering also that I don't think we spoke for several days after, which is not good.

I think that’s why you didn’t want to be “nagging” him about coming over for Thanksgiving and why you let him come even with the disrespect he showed, becuase you think he has one foot out the door.
I can see that you don’t want to break up, but you want change. I really hope you can get it from him.

 

[sk!mom]

DBF is my first real, long term relationship. I do not have a lot of experience with men or break ups.

Due to this I would really encourage you to seek counseling to help you figure out what you want going forward and to empower you to speak up for yourself.

Because you are inexperienced and your life was busy you accepted a less than fully committed relationship for many years.

 

[Positive]

It seems like such an odd relationship, on one hand you feel so much like family that your relatives dating feels like incest to you, but on the other hand you can't even bring yourself to ask him what he is doing on Thanksgiving?

The dating thing, you clearly should have stayed out of. That was very controlling and I thought by 2018 we had all agreed not to tell others who to love.

The rest of it, I know you sound like a very kind person but there is obviously more to both sides of the story that is being left out here. I thnk its time to be really honest with yourself.

If you mean I am intentionally leaving out major details, I'm not. I'm am trying to present THE most accurate picture possible. This is my side of the story, I know, if asked, my DBF would have his perspective too.
I purposely did not ask my DBF about this Thanksgiving. A test, if you will, to see how he would it handle it-he failed miserably imo.
As for the dating, we are both invested in them & their well-being. We did not come at them, attacking or shaming them. We sat 2 young adults down & expressed our concerns. Their immaturity & lack of life experience flared up.

 

[Positive]

We didn't get a lot of details but I believe the DD and nephew were teens at the time. It's not totally crazy for the parent of a teen to have some input into a relationship they see as inappropriate. I'm going way out on a limb here but the problem as the parents saw it may have been them being sexually active right under their noses due to everyone's close proximity. Personally, I'd have had a lot to say about that if it were one of my children and tried to curtail it as well. YMMV.

YES!

 

[Positive]

OP: I have not read the entire thread, but, IMO, the best place to look for resolution about this difficulty is with your DBF, not with people on the DISboard or FB or even a close friend. Only you and DBF can work this out together.

A couple of things I noticed while reading most, not all, of the thread were: (1) your defending your DBF, saying he's not a liar because he didn't lie, he only left things out. Omission is actually a form of lying. Since this a WDW form and not a scientific paper, I won't cite sources, but if you're curious about this, you can Google it. I didn't make this up; and (2) saying that your DBF probably isn't cheating on you because you don't have that feeling. I'm not saying DBF is cheating on you and am not exactly sure why anyone else would, but, from personal experience, I have to say that that feeling may be completely absent. Totally, 100% absent. Someone who's even an amateur at covering things up can do a very good job of it when they feel it's necessary. That's not to say your DBF is and I'm not writing this to cause you to feel suspicious. Just be aware that many cheated-on partners are blindsided.

I hope you can work this out and come out the other side happy and feeling secure and loved. You seem to be a very loving and forgiving person. Many people have what others would think of as unconventional relationships. So what? That's all fine if both parties are fine with it. But something is going on right now that you're not fine with it. Solve it as quickly as possible. Life's short.

Agreed, it is short & I'm working on this, I really am & have told him so. I have told him that every time I feel disrespcted, benched (basically stood up) for plans he chooses with DD when we would otherwise be spending that time together with next to no advance notice, it puts distance between us.
I have no concerns related to cheating. I am a fairly perceptive person & This is not an issue now nor has it ever been with us. Anything is possible, but I would bet my next WDW trip on it (& I leave on Tuesday). I guess there are all forms of lying, such as omission as you mentioned, white lies, etc. We are all guilty of lying in some form. I am speaking of manipulative, deceitful, lying. He isn't a liar & I'm not saying that in a "stand by my man", rose-colored glassses kind of way. The glasses are off.