Did you help with your child's wedding? How much did you spend?

[Mermaid02]

4 adult kids and our last is getting married in June. The other 3 were this past year.

I just want to say the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding is so old and out dated and that tradition needs to be broken. It is so wrong for the grooms parents and family not to pay anything is wrong. This is your sons wedding too, not a free loading weekend.

We have 2 girls and 2 boys. After our first dd got married and we were told by the grooms parents that the wedding was our responsibility and then they went and booked a $7000 venue. We smartened up very fast.

With the next 3 we did a family meeting and discussed expectations with both sides of the families.

I agree with the bolded 100+ times! It is a tradition that comes from the concept of a "dowry" and is absolutely archaic. If parents want to pay for their child's wedding it should not be because it's their daughter- I see many folks here saying they will give their sons the same amount and I applaud that.

 

[punkin]

4 adult kids and our last is getting married in June. The other 3 were this past year.

I just want to say the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding is so old and out dated and that tradition needs to be broken. It is so wrong for the grooms parents and family not to pay anything is wrong. This is your sons wedding too, not a free loading weekend.

We have 2 girls and 2 boys. After our first dd got married and we were told by the grooms parents that the wedding was our responsibility and then they went and booked a $7000 venue. We smartened up very fast.

With the next 3 we did a family meeting and discussed expectations with both sides of the families.

Ha. My mil tried to pull that crap when I got married. Said she wasn't contributing anything because she had a boy and handed me a 50 person guest list. I invited no one from her list. (DH's side had immediate family only). It was a lovely wedding.
My DD is currently planning a wedding. Her future MIL wanted a huge hotel wedding with 200 guests. Since she's contributing the lion's share of the money, DD is letting her do what she wants. I bought DD's dress and will pay for alterations. I'm having the bridal shower (hosted by the bridesmaids) at my house. I also gave $10k. I wouldn't be surprised if the total hit $50k before all is said and done. Not my problem. DD would have been happy with a small wedding. This is so not her style.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My kids are 17 and 11. I am not paying for any weddings. My son is getting a huge graduation party this year and DD will get her quinceanera when she turns 15. We will also pay for them to go to college.

My XH and I both agreed that we will pay for something at their wedding. Maybe he'll cover the flowers and I'll cover DD's dress. Maybe he'll pay for DS's cake and I'll cover his flowers. We don't know the specifics just yet but we are both in agreement that we will not be paying for any weddings.

 

[luvsJack]

OP here. Thank you for the different perspectives and for the comments!

My daughter is planning an outdoor wedding (weather permitting) at a lovely farm venue with facilities for an indoor reception. We live in a fairly low cost of living area in the southeast; however, we did find that wedding venues were quite pricey. For reference, the least expensive venue we looked at was $3900 for a Saturday wedding. The venue she and her fiance booked was $4900. It is very nice and exactly what they wanted but all of the wedding venues were higher than what I expected. They do get to book their own vendors and we have a caterer friend who is giving them a discount on food and the DJ is a friend of the family so there was a small discount there as well. The venue also allows us to bring our own alcohol as long as we hire a certified bartender to serve it so that's a big savings. The bartender is included with the catering.

Anyway, my daughter and her fiance are having a cocktail hour, a buffet dinner, and dancing. My husband and I decided our budget/contribution is $15,000. For what it's worth, we paid for our daughter's undergraduate education completely but not for grad school. She graduates in May with a masters in speech language pathology but she and her fiance are just getting started so we don't really mind helping with the wedding and we can afford a reasonably priced wedding. We are planning for a guest list of 125-150 people.

Sounds like the type of venues dd was looking at! I keep telling dh we are in the wrong business and need to build a barn!! Lol

It’s amazing what all some of them offer for the price. The one that dd looked at that was just over 6000, even provided all security(some require this, some don’t). And that some aren’t much less and provide very little.

The difference in serving alcohol too. Some require a licensed bartender only if you serve liquor, beer and wine can be self serve. Some require a licensed bartender even if it’s only beer and wine. Some don’t t have any requirement. And one just requires an extra $1000 to serve alcohol (yet never explained what the $1000 was actually for).

It’s very hard to compare prices and compare apples to apples! Lol.

Dd wants an outside wedding too but at night or just before. So somewhere she can have lots of lights and candles. She hates flowers and wants as few as possible. She says flowers remind her of funerals and she won’t have them. (Except the bouquets). I say hey candles are cheaper than flowers so fine.

We have quite a bit to go yet, so who knows if she will change her mind a dozen times.

 

[Turn the Page]

Sounds like the type of venues dd was looking at! I keep telling dh we are in the wrong business and need to build a barn!! Lol

It’s amazing what all some of them offer for the price. The one that dd looked at that was just over 6000, even provided all security(some require this, some don’t). And that some aren’t much less and provide very little.

The difference in serving alcohol too. Some require a licensed bartender only if you serve liquor, beer and wine can be self serve. Some require a licensed bartender even if it’s only beer and wine. Some don’t t have any requirement. And one just requires an extra $1000 to serve alcohol (yet never explained what the $1000 was actually for).

It’s very hard to compare prices and compare apples to apples! Lol.

Dd wants an outside wedding too but at night or just before. So somewhere she can have lots of lights and candles. She hates flowers and wants as few as possible. She says flowers remind her of funerals and she won’t have them. (Except the bouquets). I say hey candles are cheaper than flowers so fine.

We have quite a bit to go yet, so who knows if she will change her mind a dozen times.

Probably for insurance purposes. It probably depends on the state but I know around here if you have a venue that isn't full service (like a hotel or something like that) there is usually an extra fee just to serve alcohol at all, not including the alcohol, due to the need for liability insurance. If people drink too much then drive and get into an accident the victims can come back on the facility for over serving them.

 

[Pink Partridge]

A friend spent over $150,000 on his daughters wedding. They were separated with in two months. Such a waste of money. It was mostly his wife that got carried away with it all. For some reason many women lose all sense of reason when it comes to weddings.

Everything about your post is jaw dropping

(edited to add: And true! I know women that have totally lost their minds when it came to their wedding. But $150,000? Wow.)

 

[luvsJack]

Probably for insurance purposes. It probably depends on the state but I know around here if you have a venue that isn't full service (like a hotel or something like that) there is usually an extra fee just to serve alcohol at all, not including the alcohol, due to the need for liability insurance. If people drink too much then drive and get into an accident the victims can come back on the facility for over serving them.

I thought that too but we would have to include all that in the event insurance. Plus pay the $1000.

All the ones they looked at were in the same state most in the same county or with similar county laws. And yet big differences. I am sure they all have their reasons from past experience.

Like one has staff to help but they cannot go in the kitchen or transport food from kitchen to serving area. At another you can have your own caterer or bring your own food, but only their staff can set the food out and will serve if needed. I said I bet someone has gotten burned or hurt carrying hot food and sued so now they require their staff.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

When my dh and I got married 26 years ago - my parents paid for the bridal shower and some of my hall costs as we couldn't pay for 100% of it. My dh and I paid for the bulk of it all though and it was pretty nice in 1992 (we were 21 and 24 at the time). I think all in all the cost plus our honeymoon was around 10 grand. We had about 115 people there for a full Catholic ceremony and sit down meal/full open bar at a banquet hall. We even ended up paying for 2 dresses and 2 tuxes for our flower girls and groomsmen at the time since our siblings couldn't afford that for their kids. My Il's didn't contribute to the wedding costs at all. The hosted our rehersal dinner and that was all.

I am hopeful that my 3 kids will have small weddings. My family and my dh's family isn't big and so far the only family that is big is my daughter's boyfriends who she plans on marrying in about 3 years. Both of my son's GF's have small families too. My kids are reasonable and I don't think that any of their weddings will be out of control cost wise. Time will tell but I do know that we will make it even across the board. What we spend for 1 we will spend for all 3 boy or girl.

 

[Patience]

All of the venues we looked at required a licensed bartender. The venue my daughter and her fiance booked also requires them to purchase an event insurance policy for $120. I think it's well worth the peace of mind to have it. You are right, though, that you have to look carefully at what each venue provides or won't provide. At my daughter's venue, all of the tables and chairs (ceremony and reception) are included, as well white tablecloths and they do all the set up, break down, and cleaning, although we will have to remove any decorative items we bring. We are mostly doing flowers, candles, and lots of greenery as decorations so that shouldn't be too bad.

 

[Darcy03231]

We're giving each of our four children a set amount of cash to use as they please toward their weddings. Depending on what they did/do it could cover the entire cost.

DD #1 - had a small beach wedding. What we gave her covered almost 100% of the cost.
DS #1 is doing a destination wedding in Costa Rica. I'm sure what we gave him is only covering a portion of the cost.
DD #2 just got engaged and is talking about a small backyard ceremony with a reception at a local hall. What we give should cover pretty close to 100%.
DS #2 isn't even dating anyone seriously yet, so who knows what he'll do.

 

[SoccerDogWithEars]

We paid for the majority of our wedding last May ourselves. We live in NC, and had a church ceremony with buffet reception at a hotel. I never expected my parents to contribute anything, but they did cover my dress and the photographer. DH's family paid for the rehearsal dinner (which was where they wanted, not what we wanted) and then gave us a large check as a gift. We put that amount into savings as the wedding was paid for by then.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

All that was asked of my MIL was to borrow her house for a quick handful of attendees to stand around and let a Commissioner of Oaths say their thing, watch us sign something, and to let us eat a quarter-sheet cake in her kitchen. And there were serious strings on that small favor that would be harped upon for later years so of course I didn't ask ANYTHING of my mom! marriage is supposed to bring you together with another person, not enmesh oneself further into obligations with family! and I've shared with y'all on other threads how awesomely my wedding receptions went. Yes there were more than one, yes it was awkward.

I seriously hope that my DD doesn't expect or ask, but I guess I'll have that conversation about "marriage is for responsible adults, of course I will buy you a lovely gift, but if you want to get married? Don't let me be an obstacle which means please don't count on my contribution "

 

[Turn the Page]

All of the venues we looked at required a licensed bartender. The venue my daughter and her fiance booked also requires them to purchase an event insurance policy for $120. I think it's well worth the peace of mind to have it. You are right, though, that you have to look carefully at what each venue provides or won't provide. At my daughter's venue, all of the tables and chairs (ceremony and reception) are included, as well white tablecloths and they do all the set up, break down, and cleaning, although we will have to remove any decorative items we bring. We are mostly doing flowers, candles, and lots of greenery as decorations so that shouldn't be too bad.

Heck we got married in WDW in 2015. You know they have insurance policies for everything known to man but we still had to hire a bartender for the reception. It was a total of 11 people, 4 of 3 of who were underage, and two more than wouldn't drink anything at all so only 6 people were drinking (and none of us are big drinkers anyway), all we had in the way of alcohol was 2 small bottles of wine and two howlers of beer and they charged $100 for a bartender. I mean whatever, policy is policy but still, it seemed a bit ridiculous.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... I just want to say the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding is so old and out dated and that tradition needs to be broken. It is so wrong for the grooms parents and family not to pay anything is wrong. This is your sons wedding too, not a free loading weekend.

Hahahaha!!!! I can agree with that to a point. But, as the mother of a future groom, and as an aunt who attended my nephew's wedding, way out of State... with just a handful of guest on his side.... HUGE number of guests and extravagant party with live band etc, on the brides side....

I will fully agree with equal pay when I feel that my son, and our family, get the same amount of consideration as the bride and her mother.

 

[mom2rtk]

4 adult kids and our last is getting married in June. The other 3 were this past year.

I just want to say the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding is so old and out dated and that tradition needs to be broken. It is so wrong for the grooms parents and family not to pay anything is wrong. This is your sons wedding too, not a free loading weekend.

We have 2 girls and 2 boys. After our first dd got married and we were told by the grooms parents that the wedding was our responsibility and then they went and booked a $7000 venue. We smartened up very fast.

With the next 3 we did a family meeting and discussed expectations with both sides of the families.

Now that most wait until later (often after college and career are under way) maybe the entire concept of parents paying is out of date? I pretty much assumed the entire thing was out of date and would vary a lot depending on a bunch of variables in each situation.

 

[NYCgrrl]

No, thus allowing them to make it just as simple or grandiose as they preferred (as long as they don't issue invites via FB; just tacky for my sensibilities anddddddd I have a cousin who did this. Told his older brother that their mother was probably spinning in her grave. Since he's a fuddie duddie like me, he agreed, LOL).
Kinda fairer to give each child the same amt of money as a wedding present to my way of thinking and more in tune with the reality that nowadays both parts of the couple tend to work and marry older.

 

[Snowflakey]

Wow some of these amounts spent floor me! DH and I got married 25 years ago. We only spent $3,000 - 120 people, full meal, DJ, flowers, big wedding party, beautiful place on the lake, everyone got their own bottle of wine with our wedding label on it. To this date so many tell us that was their favorite wedding. My DD's are hoping to do it as inexpensive as they can while still having a church service and full reception.

 

[Hikergirl]

It is definitely time for that tradition to be broken.
Women are not marrying right out of HS and moving in to their husband's home straight from her parent's anymore.
Women don't need to come with a dowry or a "gift" of a wedding ceremony for the groom anymore.

 

[luvsJack]

I never saw it as a “gift to her husband” but as a gift from the parents to their dd.

My sister and her husband paid for their daughter’s weddings. Both large and extravagant. My parents paid for both mine and my sister’s. Honestly, I don’t know any brides of whatever age whose parents didn’t pay for the wedding. Unless it was a second marriage.

And most,honestly, see it as something they are doing for their daughter not the daughter doing for the groom. That seems like an odd way to look at it, to me.

 

[RedAngie]

ExH is willing and quite eager to give both daughters elaborate weddings so that he can impress his friends and business associates. But both DDs have already said they want something low key when the time comes. I'm hoping they stick with that because <<I>> don't want to be involved in anything over the top.

Both ExH and I will likely contribute to the costs of whatever they decide.

ExH and I and both sets of parents each contributed approximately 1/3 of the costs of my first wedding.