Kids quitting extracurricular activities

[Boardwalk Jedi]

We always said "finish out" the season, session, semester, year...whatever it is. Sometimes the kids ended up singing on for more; sometimes it truly was over. We were lucky that the kids either had enough to do left over OR leaving one activity opened up the door to try another.

We do have a rule in the house that you have to be something.

 

[la79al]

OP here- she is done. She basically told me that we are paying a lot of money for her to not really be learning anything. If she chooses not to go team, which she would not, she would basically just be working on what she has been working on for the past year. There is not really an end point so she stopped before we had to pay for the next month. I think I will start taking her to the open gyms they offer a few times a month. My DH is disappointed. I pointed out to him that she wasn't even in the top group in her level whereas she repeatedly gets commended for her art work. I told him I am going to look into art classes for her. Meanwhile, DD2 sees an opening in the budget and is trying to decide between ballet or something else for herself. I told her we are not starting anything new right before summer break but I'm okay with filling the schedule for the fall.

 

[GreatLakes]

There is a lot of research that concentrating on a single sport, any single sport, is problematic to children long term. Some sports have more serious injury concerns than others but most sports over-use one set of muscles and joints while under-using others. Playing a variety of sports balances that out.

The rule we had growing up was you finish what you start unless it was due to injury or something unsafe. We also had to play a sport (of our choosing) and have a non-sports related extra curricular. I think there is value to be gained from sport team sports that are hard to replicate even in other team-related activities. I think that was a good rule and it is the rule we plan to have for our son when he is older. He is currently in a variety of activities but he is young enough that they are of our choosing for the moment.

I do think allowing your child to do nothing in which a group relies on them is setting them up for failure in life. There is a lot to be learned both being a leader and being a part of a team starting at a young age.

 

[sa cheermom]

nm

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks for the update!
Sounds like you moving forward and doing everything you can to do what is best for your daughter!

 

[sa cheermom]

nm

 

[scoutie]

My daughter is on team gymnastics and it's a lot of work and money. If your daughter is "meh" about it, it won't be a good fit. This year, my daughter wanted to quit, but she'd already committed to the season, so I made her finish it out. After state, I told her now was the time to quit if she wanted, and she didn't want to anymore. It turned out she was nervous about moving up a level and that was the reason she wanted to quit. Whenever my kids don't enjoy something, I do make them finish their commitment, but after that, they are free to drop the sport/activity or try something else.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I would talk to your child about why they want to quit? Is there a child they don't like? The teachers? Does she have too many other things going on?

EDIT: Looks like you did that.




My son was an expert at quitting extracurricular activities when he was little. He started dance at 3 (because his sister danced so he thought he should to). He lasted until after the Nutcracker performance when he was in Kindergarten and then burst into tears asking to quit. I asked him if he was getting bullied by Kindergarten kids and he said no. But I know there was a girl in his class who was very controlling and it bothered him. He quit football after one year when he was 8 mostly because he didn't like practice or his position. He quit Tae Kwon Do as well, and I don't honestly remember why. With dance and football, he waited until the end of the season. We wouldn't have let him quit in the middle.

Eventually he found marching band and stayed in that from 5th grade through the end of high school. He was even band president this year. But he won't continue in college. I think 8 seasons was enough for him.

Our daughter quit dance after about 8 years, but that was 100% because she had to pick between that and marching band (honestly she didn't have time for both).

 

[CPT Trips]

What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.

 

[mummabear]

Let her quit. There doesn't even need to be "a good reason." Parents should never dictate what types of extracurricular activities a child is involved in. That should always be child led. Would you want someone deciding what hobbies or activities YOU have to do? No one likes being forced to do something (especially a sport) that they don't want to do. You lose all the positive benefits of sports if the participant isn't into it.

Having thought about this a bit more, the flip side is that we as parents are the ones paying for it all and when you have a kid that flits around from one to the next-parents can’t be constantly forking over the money for all the associated gear. I can see why a parent might say “you wanted to play guitar, I bought you a guitar, you aren’t quitting after one term”

I also agree with the PP that I was allowed to quit and now as an adult I wish I had stuck to something.

 

[mjkacmom]

What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.

No, there aren’t always enough kids to cover, my kids have been involved in sports, dozens and dozens of teams, and even on rec levels, it stinks when one team has no subs because kids quit. And my kids have been involved in theater in elementary, middle school, high school, community theater, never had understudies. DH has coached so many teams, and organized leagues, and it can be a real PITA when kids quit before the season ends. My youngest s are 15, oldest 21, we’d never let one of ours quit before they met their commitments, especially being behind the scenes.

 

[DLgal]

Having thought about this a bit more, the flip side is that we as parents are the ones paying for it all and when you have a kid that flits around from one to the next-parents can’t be constantly forking over the money for all the associated gear. I can see why a parent might say “you wanted to play guitar, I bought you a guitar, you aren’t quitting after one term”

I also agree with the PP that I was allowed to quit and now as an adult I wish I had stuck to something.

Well, to this point, why waste money on an activity that the kid really isn't into anymore? In particular, sports like gymnastics tend to be quite expensive on a recurring basis (monthly gym dues or lesson costs). You can obtain second hand sporting equipment pretty easily these days (same with instruments--which can also be rented) so that's a weak argument. You can certainly tell a kid "one activity per year" or otherwise limit their enrollment in things if money is an issue. There are also lower cost rec leagues available through many city community services/parks and recreation departments. These can be cheap ways to try out a sport or class before committing to an entire season.

 

[mummabear]

What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.

The understudy is there to take over if there is an injury or illness, if you use the underatudy from the start then you have no back up during the run.
Teams often don’t have spare players, pulling out of a team can leave teams short of subs-particularly important for tournaments.
Even something like a club (like Scouts or art classes) it is likely that you have taken a space that someone else had wanted.
Kids need to learn commitment.

 

[DisneyOma]

I'm glad it's been good for you & yours. I just remember more than a few fellow swimmers with shoulder issues (ice & Ben Gay were a must at most meets). Everyone is different, and I agree swimming typically is easier on joints, it's not the perfect activity that some people seem to think.

This reminds me of my senior year in college - I was all set to take SCUBA, passed the swim test that night, couldn't move my shoulder/arm the next day. Yikes! Ended up at the doctor's office, had to drop the class, got a special waiver as I couldn't complete my gym requirement because I injured myself swimming...

What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.

It teaches them not to give up if something isn't going right for them. Otherwise, they learn they can just stop doing something if it isn't a huge success for them, etc. They don't learn patience, coping techniques, or anything besides being a quitter. Of course it is up to the parent to keep the kid from being over-scheduled in the first place.

 

[Southernmiss]

The understudy is there to take over if there is an injury or illness, if you use the underatudy from the start then you have no back up during the run.
Teams often don’t have spare players, pulling out of a team can leave teams short of subs-particularly important for tournaments.
Even something like a club (like Scouts or art classes) it is likely that you have taken a space that someone else had wanted.
Kids need to learn commitment.

Yep. Dd just finished a 4 game out of town soccer tournament with no subs. They even played 1 player short this morning. But, they won the tournament.

Dd's position has no subs-she is the goal keeper. Knock on wood, she's not had any major side lining injuries. And when we commit to a tournament, we can not back out. Otherwise, we completely let the entire team down.

Tryouts occur once a year in May.

This was the end of spring break and 3 players were out of town.

 

[Colleen27]

What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.

Our rule is that once you commit, you're there for however long you agreed to be there. Youth leagues try very hard to balance teams with enough kids that there are enough extras that no one is forfeiting just because a kid got sick, but that there aren't a ton of kids riding the bench all the time. It only takes losing 1-2 kids to put a team in a position of being chronically short. And with dramatic performances and things like that, it might be okay to back out up to a point but by the time a kid has had enough there's often a learning curve for the understudy to contend with, costumes to alter, etc.

 

[Hikergirl]

What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.

Because I want to teach my kids what commitment means, that when your team, or the cast relies on you, you don't quit on them (despite what you may think, there isn't always someone who can take over), and I also want them to know it is important to finish what you start.
Lessons in life that go way beyond organized activities as a kid.

 

[sa cheermom]

nm

 

[BearFamily]

What's so special about finishing out a season or term? Why should a kid have to finish one out if they are unhappy, don't enjoy it, or just feel overscheduled?
Many teams have more that enough kids to compete. A kid leaving the team opens up playing time for others. If it's an arts activity where's the urgency in continuing? Even with something like an upcoming dramatic performance, there's an understudy to take over.

I have been involved in shows for decades from elementary school up through collegiate, community and even professional theater. I can count on one hand the number of times there have been understudies cast in any production I've been involved in. Even our local professional theater almost never has assigned understudies - contractually it's pretty expensive to cast understudies for a full show of Equity actors! When someone drops out of or is unable to perform in a show that is already in rehearsals, there are usually a LOT of other people who are immediately affected. The closer to the performance, the bigger the issue.

As far as musical instruments - I teach instrumental music. Like many things, there is an initial excitement period, followed up by many kids "hitting a wall" early in the first year when the first burst of excitement is wearing off and it's getting harder, but they're not yet good enough to be really having fun independently with their instrument. By asking students to stick with band or orchestra for a full school year (our school rule unless there are major extenuating circumstances), we make sure kids stay in past that first hurdle and actually get to the point where it should be more enjoyable.

That said, I've once let my child quit an activity I had paid for before the end of the term. She had good reasons, it affected no other kids or adults, and we knew she could (and did) return easily by signing up for a new session when circumstances changed.

 

[momz]

I let my kid quit the week before a performance. And he had my blessing.

He was in a program called Band Builders. A local music school matches kids up with others of comparable ability and interests to form rock bands. Each band learns 3-4 songs and they all gather to perform for a concert at the end. DS had enjoyed previous sessions, but was not progressing in this particular session. I didn't know why. But, I was going to miss the concert, so I asked to watch their final rehearsal. Practice sessions were generally closed to parents, so I had never watched a session before. Well, my eyes were opened as to why DS was not enjoying it. The band coach was horrible! Every word out of his mouth was negative. He was yelling. He would call kids out and belittle them in front of their peers. The kids were obviously not enjoying it.

On the way home, I told DS that he would not be coming back. And I told him why. He does not have to continue to be talked to in that manner. That was not coaching, that was intimidation. I expect a coach to offer constructive criticism, and I expect my kid to be able to accept it and learn from it. But, this guy was bordering on being verbally abusive.

Requiring a kid to honor a commitment is one thing, but requiring him to submit to that type of conditioning is unreasonable.

DS was thrilled to miss the concert. The coach ended up filling in on DS's part. And I could care less.