Relationship Deal Breakers

[DLgal]

In our younger days cheating would have definitely been a dealbreaker but three decades in I can’t say that would happen. I’d be more likely to walk over an emotional affair than a physical one. At the same time I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business so it would take a whole hell of a lot for me to forgive. *Knock wood* let’s hope I’m never put into the position to find out.

I hear what you are saying. I've been married 18 years. For me, I actually would feel better about an "emotional affair" than a physical one. Crossing the physical line means potentially putting ME in danger (STDs), as well as making me question why he needed to step out for that kind of gratification, because we have NO issues in that department, and never have. I still don't fully grasp what an emotional affair is, but it seems to me to be the same as a close friendship, of which my husband has several with females. Completely platonic, but he just tends to be close to his female friends and I have no problem with it. I know all these women very well and don't feel at all bothered that he has close friendships with women where he discusses things going on in his life. He has female friendships at work, but he is very adamant about keeping those VERY professional because he is a military officer and could jeopardize his entire career by crossing any lines there. If a woman at work ever started flirting with him, he'd put a stop to it right then and there.

What exactly is an emotional affair anyway?

 

[wenrob]

I hear what you are saying. I've been married 18 years. For me, I actually would feel better about an "emotional affair" than a physical one. Crossing the physical line means potentially putting ME in danger (STDs), as well as making me question why he needed to step out for that kind of gratification, because we have NO issues in that department, and never have. I still don't fully grasp what an emotional affair is, but it seems to me to be the same as a close friendship, of which my husband has several with females. Completely platonic, but he just tends to be close to his female friends and I have no problem with it. I know all these women very well and don't feel at all bothered that he has close friendships with women where he discusses things going on in his life. He has female friendships at work, but he is very adamant about keeping those VERY professional because he is a military officer and could jeopardize his entire career by crossing any lines there. If a woman at work ever started flirting with him, he'd put a stop to it right then and there.

What exactly is an emotional affair anyway?

I’m sure the definition varies for everyone. For me it would be my partner emotionally investing themselves in someone else. If he’s doing that he’s not emotionally investing in me. It goes beyond a close friendship, it’s intimate, dependent emotionally on that person and not your spouse, a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed. If you’re hiding it, you’re doing it. Kind of hard to explain but if my husband’s heart is with someone else even if it’s not physical, it’s cheating.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

I’m sure the definition varies for everyone. For me it would be my partner emotionally investing themselves in someone else. If he’s doing that he’s not emotionally investing in me. It goes beyond a close friendship, it’s intimate, dependent emotionally on that person and not your spouse, a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed. If you’re hiding it, you’re doing it. Kind of hard to explain but if my husband’s heart is with someone else even if it’s not physical, it’s cheating.

Well said. Both kinds of cheating suck, but an emotional affair takes it to a whole different level imo too.

 

[slpeters]

Dishonesty. If I come home and there's a dead hooker in our bed tell me the truth and I might just help you hide the body, lie and you're on your own...

 

[powellrj]

We have been married for over 40 years. By this time we know each other pretty well. If either of us were going to do anything that would be a deal breaker at this point I would assume some type of illness.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

untrustworthy acts (lying, cheating, stealing, withholding important information)
physical/mental abuse to me or the kids (zero tolerance for either)
substance abuse

I'm not worried about the above three in the least. We've been married for 20 years this year, together for 28.

But the next one.....complete dealbreaker:

His mother coming to live with us. Not even joking. She is transient and unable/unwilling to support herself. She has 8 children. If it came down to is and NONE of them would be willing to take her in, and she came to live with us, DH and I both know that it would be the end of our marriage. We have talked about it before. He would be willing to still take her knowing I would move out. Not that he wants either to happen, and I would never make DH let her live on the street before moving her into my house, but there is -zero % chance that I would stay and live with her. She has made the rounds of all her kids and we are one of the only two kids she hasn't lived with yet. In her words "H*ll NO!" would she live with me, and she feels pretty much the same about my SIL. We concur.

*Before flaming with the be nice to your MIL comments, she has been physically and mentally abusive to my kids in the past and will be again if given the chance, as she has also been with many of her other grandchildren, and is verbally abusive to me when DH isn't around, and has stolen from my home multiple times. I refuse to be around her alone because when he is there, she is sweet and nice to him and ignores me, which is the way I want it and when DH is not there, she is passive-aggressive and nasty to me with her comments and innuendos about how terrible of a person, wife, and mother I am. We spend very limited time with her, the kids are NEVER far from me when she is around, and we changed our locks so she can't come in when we are not home and steal from us. And it's not old age/dementia/etc. She has been like this since I've known her - I was 14 and she was 37 when we met.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

untrustworthy acts (lying, cheating, stealing, withholding important information)
physical/mental abuse to me or the kids (zero tolerance for either)
substance abuse

I'm not worried about the above three in the least. We've been married for 20 years this year, together for 28.

But the next one.....complete dealbreaker:

His mother coming to live with us. Not even joking. She is transient and unable/unwilling to support herself. She has 8 children. If it came down to is and NONE of them would be willing to take her in, and she came to live with us, DH and I both know that it would be the end of our marriage. We have talked about it before. He would be willing to still take her knowing I would move out. Not that he wants either to happen, and I would never make DH let her live on the street before moving her into my house, but there is -zero % chance that I would stay and live with her. She has made the rounds of all her kids and we are one of the only two kids she hasn't lived with yet. In her words "H*ll NO!" would she live with me, and she feels pretty much the same about my SIL. We concur.

*Before flaming with the be nice to your MIL comments, she has been physically and mentally abusive to my kids in the past and will be again if given the chance, as she has also been with many of her other grandchildren, and is verbally abusive to me when DH isn't around, and has stolen from my home multiple times. I refuse to be around her alone because when he is there, she is sweet and nice to him and ignores me, which is the way I want it and when DH is not there, she is passive-aggressive and nasty to me with her comments and innuendos about how terrible of a person, wife, and mother I am. We spend very limited time with her, the kids are NEVER far from me when she is around, and we changed our locks so she can't come in when we are not home and steal from us. And it's not old age/dementia/etc. She has been like this since I've known her - I was 14 and she was 37 when we met.

That's really rough, sorry.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

We have been married for over 40 years. By this time we know each other pretty well. If either of us were going to do anything that would be a deal breaker at this point I would assume some type of illness.

I read & understand every word you typed, but I don't understand the full statement.
You would leave your husband or be ok with him leaving you if one of you developed an illness?

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Dishonesty. If I come home and there's a dead hooker in our bed tell me the truth and I might just help you hide the body, lie and you're on your own...

 

[FlightlessDuck]

My spouse can't route for another team in the same division as the Eagles.

 

[ChrisFL]

Whew, this will show why I'm still single (40 year old straight male) lol

No children (no plans for any)
No smoking/drugs (alcohol is ok once in a while)
No tattoos (a small tattoo or two is ok, but women who have huge tattoos all over is a major turn-off to me)
Not religious (I'm closer to Buddhist than anything else, but don't really practice)
Not right-wing

 

[FlightlessDuck]

We have been married for over 40 years. By this time we know each other pretty well. If either of us were going to do anything that would be a deal breaker at this point I would assume some type of illness.

So... til death do you part? Or do you mean if one of you gets Cancer the other is going to leave?!?

 

[Neesy228]

Violence or abuse of any kind.

....And I’m almost at the point where I agree with the dishwasher thing. There have been some whopping fights around here re: how a grown man can load a dishwasher like a toddler on sugar high.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

My spouse can't route for another team in the same division as the Eagles.

Clarification: Routing for a different team in the NFC East is allowed only in the instance where that team winning helps the spouse's team make the playoffs while not affecting the Eagles chances.

For example, the Eagles have already clinched the division. My spouse needs the Redskins to beat the Vikings in order for the Packers to make the playoffs. This type of cheering is allowed.

 

[mousefan73]

For those that are married or in long-term committed relationships...

What are your relationship deal breakers (other than being unfaithful)?

Speedos and a mustache

 

[wenrob]

I read & understand every word you typed, but I don't understand the full statement.
You would leave your husband or be ok with him leaving you if one of you developed an illness?

So... til death do you part? Or do you mean if one of you gets Cancer the other is going to leave?!?

I think she means it would be so out of character he’d have to be ill for it to happen. After that I assumed she meant she’d get him help. I said something similar up thread.

 

[dakotix]

Speedos and a mustache

On the right guy Speedos and Pornstaches are hot.

 

[mousefan73]

Good topic OP. I’ve always wondered what that one thing was that sent a long term relationship over the edge.

In some cases that one thing is admitting you are gay to yourself and tired of living a lie. Happened to a colleague. 20 some years. No issues either and still there was love. Just nit the physical type

 

[mousefan73]

On the right guy Speedos and Pornstaches are hot.

Lol! Are you a Burt Reynolds fan circa 80s? Not on my DH! He had a stache in the late 80s before we met. Saw the photos as evidence. Also he owned speedos. Which I tossed asap. Told him those 2 things are cause for me to walk

 

[mousefan73]

untrustworthy acts (lying, cheating, stealing, withholding important information)
physical/mental abuse to me or the kids (zero tolerance for either)
substance abuse

I'm not worried about the above three in the least. We've been married for 20 years this year, together for 28.

But the next one.....complete dealbreaker:

His mother coming to live with us. Not even joking. She is transient and unable/unwilling to support herself. She has 8 children. If it came down to is and NONE of them would be willing to take her in, and she came to live with us, DH and I both know that it would be the end of our marriage. We have talked about it before. He would be willing to still take her knowing I would move out. Not that he wants either to happen, and I would never make DH let her live on the street before moving her into my house, but there is -zero % chance that I would stay and live with her. She has made the rounds of all her kids and we are one of the only two kids she hasn't lived with yet. In her words "H*ll NO!" would she live with me, and she feels pretty much the same about my SIL. We concur.

*Before flaming with the be nice to your MIL comments, she has been physically and mentally abusive to my kids in the past and will be again if given the chance, as she has also been with many of her other grandchildren, and is verbally abusive to me when DH isn't around, and has stolen from my home multiple times. I refuse to be around her alone because when he is there, she is sweet and nice to him and ignores me, which is the way I want it and when DH is not there, she is passive-aggressive and nasty to me with her comments and innuendos about how terrible of a person, wife, and mother I am. We spend very limited time with her, the kids are NEVER far from me when she is around, and we changed our locks so she can't come in when we are not home and steal from us. And it's not old age/dementia/etc. She has been like this since I've known her - I was 14 and she was 37 when we met.

Wow. That would not be a difficult decision for me either. I hope it never comes to that. Get an alarm.