Relationship Deal Breakers

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Just wanted to add that certain diseases like dementia and in some cases even Lymes Disease
can alter the person you once knew personality wise and even become abusive.

My niece’s husband got severe depression literally over night. He didnt become abusive but changed as a person. All because of a damn tick.

I know someone in a very similar situation. They got married & a few months into their marriage he got Lyme disease & has never been the same since (medical problems, depression, has to have a special diet, plus more stuff).
They are still married, I think it is like 12 years later & she is truly his caretaker. They do not travel for vacations, day trips, nothing. They went to a concert recently for their anniversary & she had to do so much pre-planning to make sure his needs could be met at the venue. She is very loving, caring person & always has a smile

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Seriously, though, this is my conundrum: Are we talking about deal breakers in a relationship in general or a current relationship? Because, like you, I've been in a relationship for almost 25 years. Any action my spouse would take which would be a dealbreaker for me would end being something completely out of character for her. Substance abuse? Domestic abuse? Some kind of crime? If any of those things happen, it would indicate to me that there has been some kind of mental breakdown or something. If my wife of 22 years all of a sudden robs a bank, my first thought isn't divorce, it's that there's something wrong with her. And then I'd be more interested in getting her fixed than getting a divorce.

If we are talking about a new relationship, there are quite a few things: Abuse, crime, tobacco use (including vaping), drug use, more than light-to-moderate drinking, bigotry, vastly different political opinions, etc.

Op here & when I posted the question I was thinking of long term relationships or marriages.
I was wondering not so much about the BIG ones (cheating, abuse/violence, criminal behavior, addiction).
I was more curious about something that seems SMALL or INSIGNIFICANT, but festers over time & becomes a major point of contention or resentment.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I was more curious about something that seems SMALL or INSIGNIFICANT, but festers over time & becomes a major point of contention or resentment.

Then I stand by my comment about football teams.

 

[goofyintoronto]

My dealbreakers:
Adultery
Drug/alcohol/gambling/pornography addiction
Extreme weight gain or loss
Chronic lying
Physical/emotional/ mental abuse

Is this for real?? Lets say your spouse gained 60lbs....or lost it. You'd dump him?? Wow! What happened til death do us part?

Speedos and a mustache

I just about died laughing at this. So funny. And i totally agree.

On the right guy Speedos and Pornstaches are hot.

Absolutely not. Speedos, on the right guy, sure. Very hot. But not a mustache. Ew.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Deal breakers for me is abuse (verbal physical emotional) and alcoholism/drug abuse.
Both my parents were/are alcoholics...im not going through that again.

 

[DLgal]

Op here & when I posted the question I was thinking of long term relationships or marriages.
I was wondering not so much about the BIG ones (cheating, abuse/violence, criminal behavior, addiction).
I was more curious about something that seems SMALL or INSIGNIFICANT, but festers over time & becomes a major point of contention or resentment.

My husband and I have discussed this one and our mutual agreement is if either person stops taking care of themselves in terms of health, exercise and nutrition, and becomes obese, it will be a deal breaker. It's not so much the weight gain itself, but the larger issue of health and well being. My husband watched his father put himself into an early grave due to, basically giving up on life, eating his problems, and refusing to manage his diabetes properly. He refused to seek treatment for PTSD from his time in Vietnam, citing stupid macho b.s. He had to be dragged to doctors against his will, refused the medications given to him, would often lock himself into his room, etc. It was bad. My husband's mother kind of enabled his behavior, until she realized that was not the best idea, but by then it was too late. My FIL passed away at age 55. My husbands siblings both have mental illnesses and seem to be following the same path in life. Obese, diabetic, and couldn't care less. My husband is the opposite and takes his eating and exercise very seriously so that he doesn't end up like them. He has basically written off his siblings because he can't handle watching them deteriorate like his father did, and he has told them that. He has said "why should I invest myself in your life and care about you if you don't care about yourself?"

So, I know if I just started sitting around and eating all day and just generally neglecting my health, my husband would tell me to either get back on track or he'd be out. And I would not blame him. I feel the same way, fundamentally, on this issue.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

My husband and I have discussed this one and our mutual agreement is if either person stops taking care of themselves in terms of health, exercise and nutrition, and becomes obese, it will be a deal breaker. It's not so much the weight gain itself, but the larger issue of health and well being. My husband watched his father put himself into an early grave due to, basically giving up on life, eating his problems, and refusing to manage his diabetes properly. He refused to seek treatment for PTSD from his time in Vietnam, citing stupid macho b.s. He had to be dragged to doctors against his will, refused the medications given to him, would often lock himself into his room, etc. It was bad. My husband's mother kind of enabled his behavior, until she realized that was not the best idea, but by then it was too late. My FIL passed away at age 55. My husbands siblings both have mental illnesses and seem to be following the same path in life. Obese, diabetic, and couldn't care less. My husband is the opposite and takes his eating and exercise very seriously so that he doesn't end up like them. He has basically written off his siblings because he can't handle watching them deteriorate like his father did, and he has told them that. He has said "why should I invest myself in your life and care about you if you don't care about yourself?"

So, I know if I just started sitting around and eating all day and just generally neglecting my health, my husband would tell me to either get back on track or he'd be out. And I would not blame him. I feel the same way, fundamentally, on this issue.

So, if this is a mutually understood expectation between you, how long would you give the other to get back on track?
Let's say, hypothetically, you or your DH had an injury that was impacting the ability to do any type of meaningful exercise & in now Netflix & snacks became the new normal, on comes the weight-how long do you each give each other to straighten it out?

 

[DLgal]

So, if this is a mutually understood expectation between you, how long would you give the other to get back on track?
Let's say, hypothetically, you or your DH had an injury that was impacting the ability to do any type of meaningful exercise & in now Netflix & snacks became the new normal, on comes the weight-how long do you each give each other to straighten it out?

Situational weight gain would not be an issue. We have both put on weight since we met 20 years ago. That's inevitable. I'm talking like gaining 100+ pounds. We are not big people. I'm 5'3". Husband is 5'4". He needs to maintain Marine Corps weight and fitness standards still, as he is active duty. So, he can't go over 165. But I have nothing forcing me to stay at a reasonable weight other than my own motivation. I have an upper limit that I will not let myself go beyond and I'm very close to that point now, and working to get back down to a healthier weight because I'm already having health impacts from it (non alcoholic fatty liver disease). I need to lose 10-15 pounds, and I know it. But, that's something I want to do for ME. I am highly concerned about living a long time for my special needs kids, so they are my motivation. My husband still thinks I look fine at my current weight.

 

[RangerPooh]

Excessive dishonesty, abusive behaviors, drug use

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Op here & when I posted the question I was thinking of long term relationships or marriages.
I was wondering not so much about the BIG ones (cheating, abuse/violence, criminal behavior, addiction).
I was more curious about something that seems SMALL or INSIGNIFICANT, but festers over time & becomes a major point of contention or resentment.

I have been married 26 years. We've been together for 31 years and we are 47 and 50 yrs old. We've delt with infidelity and overcame it. We've delt with stressful situations with our middle son where we had to be on the same page and we did it. For us or I should say for me what is causing resentment is that he is due to inherit his parents non-working farm (70 acres, some dilapitated out buildings and a house). I don't want it and he does. His parents have made it all about his grandfathers "legacy". I hate the house, I hate everything about the farm because my dh is over there literally all the time doing stuff for his folks, for that place. I can't stress to you how much I hate it and i can see it causing a me or the farm scenario in the coming years. His parents are 84 and the clock is ticking. Some say its a gift but I honestly feel its a curse. Some say sell it but he won't and it will take a long time to sell. I feel so lost over this and he knows how I feel but I know that this could cause the end of things for us and it may not seem serious to you readers but to me its everything.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

I have been married 26 years. We've been together for 31 years and we are 47 and 50 yrs old. We've delt with infidelity and overcame it. We've delt with stressful situations with our middle son where we had to be on the same page and we did it. For us or I should say for me what is causing resentment is that he is due to inherit his parents non-working farm (70 acres, some dilapitated out buildings and a house). I don't want it and he does. His parents have made it all about his grandfathers "legacy". I hate the house, I hate everything about the farm because my dh is over there literally all the time doing stuff for his folks, for that place. I can't stress to you how much I hate it and i can see it causing a me or the farm scenario in the coming years. His parents are 84 and the clock is ticking. Some say its a gift but I honestly feel its a curse. Some say sell it but he won't and it will take a long time to sell. I feel so lost over this and he knows how I feel but I know that this could cause the end of things for us and it may not seem serious to you readers but to me its everything.

I'm sorry your going through this & I hope you are both able to come to a resolution each can live with.

 

[Colleen27]

The usuals, I guess - abuse, infidelity, addiction.

And one that I'll probably take some flack for, but... not cooperating with necessary medical treatment would be a deal-breaker for me. We're watching MIL go through that right now and I don't think I could do it. FIL had a stroke, lied to the whole family and checked himself out of rehab AMA, doesn't take his medications or follow the dietary restrictions he was given (he was dx'd diabetic while in the hospital), and spends his days in a low-level rage over not being able to do the things he used to do, blaming everyone but himself (which mostly lands on MIL because she's the one who is there). But the ONLY reason he didn't make a full recovery is because he refused to put in any effort. As far as I'm concerned, what he's doing to her is abusive and I don't think I could sit by and watch someone I'd been married to for all of my adult life do that to himself or to me. Especially since none of his medical issues are immediately life-threatening, so this could very well continue for 10-20 more years. I am all for "in sickness and in health" but to me, there is a mutual responsibility implied in that of taking care of oneself as part of taking care of each other.

 

[Colleen27]

Op here & when I posted the question I was thinking of long term relationships or marriages.
I was wondering not so much about the BIG ones (cheating, abuse/violence, criminal behavior, addiction).
I was more curious about something that seems SMALL or INSIGNIFICANT, but festers over time & becomes a major point of contention or resentment.

There's one that I can see coming for DH & I: He is a homebody and a creature of habit, and recently he's been making noises about wanting to stay where we currently live for the rest of our lives. This is a MAJOR reversal from the mutual agreement we arrived at when he wanted to move here in the first place, which was that it is a fabulous place to raise kids but that we'd move back to the city or consider leaving the state when the nest empties, and one that feels very devaluing to me because we've prioritized his career for 15+ years on the understanding that when the kids were grown, we'd embrace the kind of geographic flexibility involved in prioritizing mine. So if he's really set on staying in this house for the rest of our lives, that could be a deal-breaker for me.

 

[AppleDumpling]

This exact thing happened to one of my great-aunts. She had no idea her husband had another woman, much less another wife. She found out when he was hospitalized. She went to visit him and was told that his wife was already there.

Of course, Apple Dumpling, that won't happen to you! But it's not something that happens only in a movie or TV show.

LOL, thanks for your vote of confidence.

I was joking; I don’t know anyone IRL in that situation, but have seen similar stories on news shows such as Dateline, so I suppose it’s more common than one would expect. How terrible for your aunt.

 

[yoopermom]

This may sound dumb to many, but for us it would have to be....apathy. The closest we ever came to divorce was when we went through a period where my DH treated me like a roommate, and not like a wife. We've been married over 27 years, are as opposite as Disney and Universal, but are never bored with each other. I've watched too many other couples in their 50s and above just become like roommates, and I know we would never survive that. Heck, if I just wanted someone to live in the same house, and split the bills with, I'd choose someone more like me, and less like him (love ya, honey, mean it !).

Terri

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

The usuals, I guess - abuse, infidelity, addiction.

And one that I'll probably take some flack for, but... not cooperating with necessary medical treatment would be a deal-breaker for me. We're watching MIL go through that right now and I don't think I could do it. FIL had a stroke, lied to the whole family and checked himself out of rehab AMA, doesn't take his medications or follow the dietary restrictions he was given (he was dx'd diabetic while in the hospital), and spends his days in a low-level rage over not being able to do the things he used to do, blaming everyone but himself (which mostly lands on MIL because she's the one who is there). But the ONLY reason he didn't make a full recovery is because he refused to put in any effort. As far as I'm concerned, what he's doing to her is abusive and I don't think I could sit by and watch someone I'd been married to for all of my adult life do that to himself or to me. Especially since none of his medical issues are immediately life-threatening, so this could very well continue for 10-20 more years. I am all for "in sickness and in health" but to me, there is a mutual responsibility implied in that of taking care of oneself as part of taking care of each other.

You won’t get any flack from me - I totally agree! My husband developed a serious medical condition about 4 years into our marriage, and it has been life changing for both of us, and not in a good way. That was 14 years ago, but it still affects our lives every day. We had got married young so were both still in our early/mid 20s, and I did have people who encouraged me to leave him, due to this health issue.

I never even considered leaving him, but I have always said that I would stay as long as he cooperated with his treatment. However, if he chose not to cooperate without a good reason, but still expected me to be understanding of his medical conditions and build our lives round them, then I absolutely would consider that a form of abuse. He has never not cooperated, and we also have legal mechanisms in place of needed, so I don’t foresee this being a problem we have to face, but it’s probably my number 1 hypothetical deal breaker.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Since 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce I can imagine that drug and physical abuse are not the only two deal breakers in marriages. I hope my marriage lasts forever however people change and sometimes not for the better. I know some are getting flack saying they'd leave someone if they gained a significant amount of weight. That would really make me not want to "be" with someone, including my husband. We work fairly hard to stay in shape and eat healthy. If one of us decided to give up and eat way too much food and stop exercising and not put any time and effort into the health or body I'm sure we wouldn't look at each other with the same passion. I'm talking a lot of weight, not 20 or 30 pounds. So if you are addicted to food, to the same extent as someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol it could be the breaking point for some.

I can almost be sure I would never leave my husband due to a health issue. Even a chronic one.

 

[Shanti]

Op here & when I posted the question I was thinking of long term relationships or marriages.
I was wondering not so much about the BIG ones (cheating, abuse/violence, criminal behavior, addiction).
I was more curious about something that seems SMALL or INSIGNIFICANT, but festers over time & becomes a major point of contention or resentment.

Small and insignificant things aren't deal breakers. They're excuses.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

So if you are addicted to food, to the same extent as someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol it could be the breaking point for some.

Right but in your description addiction to food is one thing and weight gain is another.

Is someone just eating and not exercising at all, is someone eating too much bad food, is there an undiagnosed health issue such as a thyroid problem or something else, or is it that the person is addicted to food but that's a byproduct of something like a food disorder, inability to deal with stress well so they stress/emotionally eat, etc.

I guess I would hope a person who sees weight gain and activities (like inactivity and eating habits) attempts to find the root cause before giving up on a marriage.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The usuals, I guess - abuse, infidelity, addiction.

And one that I'll probably take some flack for, but... not cooperating with necessary medical treatment would be a deal-breaker for me. We're watching MIL go through that right now and I don't think I could do it. FIL had a stroke, lied to the whole family and checked himself out of rehab AMA, doesn't take his medications or follow the dietary restrictions he was given (he was dx'd diabetic while in the hospital), and spends his days in a low-level rage over not being able to do the things he used to do, blaming everyone but himself (which mostly lands on MIL because she's the one who is there). But the ONLY reason he didn't make a full recovery is because he refused to put in any effort. As far as I'm concerned, what he's doing to her is abusive and I don't think I could sit by and watch someone I'd been married to for all of my adult life do that to himself or to me. Especially since none of his medical issues are immediately life-threatening, so this could very well continue for 10-20 more years. I am all for "in sickness and in health" but to me, there is a mutual responsibility implied in that of taking care of oneself as part of taking care of each other.

You won’t get any flack from me - I totally agree! My husband developed a serious medical condition about 4 years into our marriage, and it has been life changing for both of us, and not in a good way. That was 14 years ago, but it still affects our lives every day. We had got married young so were both still in our early/mid 20s, and I did have people who encouraged me to leave him, due to this health issue.

I never even considered leaving him, but I have always said that I would stay as long as he cooperated with his treatment. However, if he chose not to cooperate without a good reason, but still expected me to be understanding of his medical conditions and build our lives round them, then I absolutely would consider that a form of abuse. He has never not cooperated, and we also have legal mechanisms in place of needed, so I don’t foresee this being a problem we have to face, but it’s probably my number 1 hypothetical deal breaker.

I agree with your comments related to treatment when it's something fixable per se.

Sister-in-law's boyfriend had knee surgery and def. wasn't following the doctor's orders to a T until she really laid in on him. She cared for him but it was also this is your knee on a young person, you don't want to lost mobilty in your knee because you didn't wear the brace the whole time you were supposed to, or you didn't stay off your leg when you were supposed to, etc.

But I will say medical treatment wouldn't be a generality for me. I have no idea what I would do in a situation like this but IMO treatment for cancer, treatment for terminal diseases, etc should be a very personal decision. I know that's not what you two were talking about just thought I'd bounce off of your comments.