Relationship Deal Breakers

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Right but in your description addiction to food is one thing and weight gain is another.

Is someone just eating and not exercising at all, is someone eating too much bad food, is there an undiagnosed health issue such as a thyroid problem or something else, or is it that the person is addicted to food but that's a byproduct of something like a food disorder, inability to deal with stress well so they stress/emotionally eat, etc.

I guess I would hope a person who sees weight gain and activities (like inactivity and eating habits) attempts to find the root cause before giving up on a marriage.

I have a thyroid problem as in I have no thyroid so I feel I'm well versed on that issue. We all have our own breaking points on what we are willing to put up with regarding or spouses and their issues. I'm just stating my own.

 

[ronandannette]

I hope it doesn't either!

It's not that I would walk out on him the second she moved in, if she ever did, but we both know that the pressure of dealing with her, and him defending everything she does and never wanting to rock the boat, would cause a swift breakdown in our marriage, which would spiral down into a divorce pretty quickly. We have been through a lot together in 28 years, and can handle pretty much anything, but we both know our marriage would not survive that.

If I understood your earlier post correctly, your husband has stated he'll absolutely let her move in if she wants to? Even knowing and fully acknowledging what you've posted here now? I guess for me just knowing that in advance would be as heartbreaking as having it actually happen. Sorry.

 

[tvguy]

Smoking.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I have a thyroid problem as in I have no thyroid so I feel I'm well versed on that issue. We all have our own breaking points on what we are willing to put up with regarding or spouses and their issues. I'm just stating my own.

I wasn't saying anything about your breaking point....

You said if someone had an addiction to food like drugs and alcohol and I bounced off of that in terms of weight gain.

 

[tvguy]

My husband is Christian and I am Athiest so no worries there for us but I get that a lot of relationships are closely tied to a common faith.

I'm Christian and my wife is Atheist, although she wanted to get married in my church and my Pastor had no issue with that. 36 years later, it hasn't been an issue for us, yet. One very religious friend was uncomfortable with that, but only after she tried to recruit us to join her church.

 

[low-key]

If you cant laugh at yourself, you wont like me

 

[MrsPete]

I took this question differently: I took it to mean what would you not accept in a fledgling relationship. Though it sounds stuck-up, I always knew I was going to college ... so after high school I never dated anyone who wasn't in college or a college graduate. I never dated a smoker, anyone who was not strongly anti-drugs, anyone who wasn't frugal with money, anyone who didn't share my core values and religion. I figured those things were necessary for compatibility, and I didn't want to become attached to someone with whom I wasn't going to be long-term compatible.

As for violence and abuse, I'm going to give a different answer: After three decades of marriage, I know my husband backwards and forwards. If he suddenly became violent or abusive, I would not leave him -- I would think he had some sort of brain tumor or chemical imbalance or some form of dementia, and I'd force him to the doctor. I can't imagine his personality changing that drastically in his 50s unless a medical reason existed.

Cheating? Ha-ha. My husband knows where his bread's buttered. Again, after three decades, I know where I should be 'fussed and where I shouldn't.

On the topic of small habits, I have accepted some things that I used to complain about; for example, my husband's complete inability to use a trash can. Yes, really. Napkins, receipts, empty boxes, beer bottles -- he just leaves them lying about. After years of complaining and fighting about the subject, I realized I could throw them away myself, or I could fight with him about it and still throw them away myself. I can't change him, but I can change my attitude. So I focus on the thousand things he does well and let that one go. Same thing about mowing the yard: We both got tired of fighting about the subject and hired someone to do it.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

If I understood your earlier post correctly, your husband has stated he'll absolutely let her move in if she wants to? Even knowing and fully acknowledging what you've posted here now? I guess for me just knowing that in advance would be as heartbreaking as having it actually happen. Sorry.

Me too @ronandannette

 

[Cubbiecakes]

Dealbreakers for me:

• Smoking, Drugs, Heavy drinking
• Sadistic/Abusive/Religious/Masochistic/Stupid
• Lazy/Un- or under-employed
• Narcissism
• Wastrel/spendthrift
• TV watcher, Pop culture obsessive, Cell phone freak

 

[wenrob]

On the topic of small habits, I have accepted some things that I used to complain about; for example, my husband's complete inability to use a trash can. Yes, really. Napkins, receipts, empty boxes, beer bottles -- he just leaves them lying about. After years of complaining and fighting about the subject, I realized I could throw them away myself, or I could fight with him about it and still throw them away myself. I can't change him, but I can change my attitude. So I focus on the thousand things he does well and let that one go. Same thing about mowing the yard: We both got tired of fighting about the subject and hired someone to do it.

Ha, I actually won the ‘throw your empties out’ battle about ten years in when I finally lost it and pointed out that he literally walked past the garbage can right next to the refrigerator every time he went to get another. It was like it never occurred to him, lol.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

Ha, I actually won the ‘throw your empties out’ battle about ten years in when I finally lost it and pointed out that he literally walked past the garbage can right next to the refrigerator every time he went to get another. It was like it never occurred to him, lol.

Never underestimate the power of a tactical meltdown!

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I agree with your comments related to treatment when it's something fixable per se.

Sister-in-law's boyfriend had knee surgery and def. wasn't following the doctor's orders to a T until she really laid in on him. She cared for him but it was also this is your knee on a young person, you don't want to lost mobilty in your knee because you didn't wear the brace the whole time you were supposed to, or you didn't stay off your leg when you were supposed to, etc.

But I will say medical treatment wouldn't be a generality for me. I have no idea what I would do in a situation like this but IMO treatment for cancer, treatment for terminal diseases, etc should be a very personal decision. I know that's not what you two were talking about just thought I'd bounce off of your comments.

It’s not even whether or not it’s fixable, just as long as he is doing what he reasonably can to not let it take over our lives. He has bipolar affective disorder and epilepsy, neither of which he had when we got married. Neither is fixable in the way of a broken arm, but they can be controlled to some degree with medication. As long as he is taking his meds and seeing his doctors then we are in this together. If he decided he didn’t need his meds then, ultimately, I may well leave, though obviously there are a number of steps in between (esp in this case, given his mental health problems).

I absolutely cannot see me leaving as a result of a medical condition, except in the situation I just mentioned. We both have chronic health problems and supporting each other through them is part of the vows we took (sickness and health), even though my husband's chronic health problems hadn’t happened when we got married. That’s part of marriage to me - you don’t get to cherry pick the good stuff and send him back to his parents’ basement for the bad stuff.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think when folks say they’d leave if someone got sick they mean “oh you had a heart attack? See ya!”

I think they mean “oh you had a heart attack and you’ve been told what to do in terms of diet and exercise and medications and you’re choosing not to do any of that and therefore are at risk of becoming a cardiac cripple when
You could follow directions and live a perfectly good life and I’m supposed to stay and deal with your bad selfish choice?”

 

[dakotix]

I'm Christian and my wife is Atheist, although she wanted to get married in my church and my Pastor had no issue with that. 36 years later, it hasn't been an issue for us, yet. One very religious friend was uncomfortable with that, but only after she tried to recruit us to join her church.

Yea it can be uncomfortable around some of his church friends and family because they give me that sad look like I'm some lost puppy but that doesn't cause any friction between us.

 

[goofyintoronto]

untrustworthy acts (lying, cheating, stealing, withholding important information)
physical/mental abuse to me or the kids (zero tolerance for either)
substance abuse

I'm not worried about the above three in the least. We've been married for 20 years this year, together for 28.

But the next one.....complete dealbreaker:

His mother coming to live with us. Not even joking. She is transient and unable/unwilling to support herself. She has 8 children. If it came down to is and NONE of them would be willing to take her in, and she came to live with us, DH and I both know that it would be the end of our marriage. We have talked about it before. He would be willing to still take her knowing I would move out. Not that he wants either to happen, and I would never make DH let her live on the street before moving her into my house, but there is -zero % chance that I would stay and live with her. She has made the rounds of all her kids and we are one of the only two kids she hasn't lived with yet. In her words "H*ll NO!" would she live with me, and she feels pretty much the same about my SIL. We concur.

*Before flaming with the be nice to your MIL comments, she has been physically and mentally abusive to my kids in the past and will be again if given the chance, as she has also been with many of her other grandchildren, and is verbally abusive to me when DH isn't around, and has stolen from my home multiple times. I refuse to be around her alone because when he is there, she is sweet and nice to him and ignores me, which is the way I want it and when DH is not there, she is passive-aggressive and nasty to me with her comments and innuendos about how terrible of a person, wife, and mother I am. We spend very limited time with her, the kids are NEVER far from me when she is around, and we changed our locks so she can't come in when we are not home and steal from us. And it's not old age/dementia/etc. She has been like this since I've known her - I was 14 and she was 37 when we met.

I am so sorry. That's rough.

If I understood your earlier post correctly, your husband has stated he'll absolutely let her move in if she wants to? Even knowing and fully acknowledging what you've posted here now? I guess for me just knowing that in advance would be as heartbreaking as having it actually happen. Sorry.

Yes, i agree. That's so heartbreaking.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think when folks say they’d leave if someone got sick they mean “oh you had a heart attack? See ya!”

I think they mean “oh you had a heart attack and you’ve been told what to do in terms of diet and exercise and medications and you’re choosing not to do any of that and therefore are at risk of becoming a cardiac cripple when
You could follow directions and live a perfectly good life and I’m supposed to stay and deal with your bad selfish choice?”

Yes and no to your first statement.

People do leave in catastrophic medical issues and that's more what I was talking about. And sometimes they stay only because the person is sick but they've been checked out of the marriage long before that and that becomes an issue too in terms of fairness to the person who is sick, etc.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It’s not even whether or not it’s fixable, just as long as he is doing what he reasonably can to not let it take over our lives. He has bipolar affective disorder and epilepsy, neither of which he had when we got married. Neither is fixable in the way of a broken arm, but they can be controlled to some degree with medication. As long as he is taking his meds and seeing his doctors then we are in this together. If he decided he didn’t need his meds then, ultimately, I may well leave, though obviously there are a number of steps in between (esp in this case, given his mental health problems).

I absolutely cannot see me leaving as a result of a medical condition, except in the situation I just mentioned. We both have chronic health problems and supporting each other through them is part of the vows we took (sickness and health), even though my husband's chronic health problems hadn’t happened when we got married. That’s part of marriage to me - you don’t get to cherry pick the good stuff and send him back to his parents’ basement for the bad stuff.

Right I was saying as a generality. Mental illness is only one type of illness. Someone having cancer, someone having a terminal disease, someone becoming paralyzed, etc. Those are all instances where sometimes people do choose to leave (or they stay for a time, maybe during initial treatment and then leave), and it's not something that medication, exercise, healthy lifestyle can necessarily fix the situation if you get what I'm saying. Relationships can become stronger due to those but they can also crumble under the weight.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Yes and no to your first statement.

People do leave in catastrophic medical issues and that's more what I was talking about. And sometimes they stay only because the person is sick but they've been checked out of the marriage long before that and that becomes an issue too in terms of fairness to the person who is sick, etc.

Good point!

 

[bethy]

That’s a really hard call. Come January we’ll have been together 30 years. It would have to be something despicable that I wouldn’t forgive anyone for. I want to say abuse or irrevocably hurting one of our kids but neither is in his character and if either were to happen we’d be setting up appointments for MRIs, brain scans etc. ASAP.

Love this post. We've been married 22 years and together 30. There are basically no dealbreakers for us.

 

[bethy]

I think when folks say they’d leave if someone got sick they mean “oh you had a heart attack? See ya!”

I think they mean “oh you had a heart attack and you’ve been told what to do in terms of diet and exercise and medications and you’re choosing not to do any of that and therefore are at risk of becoming a cardiac cripple when
You could follow directions and live a perfectly good life and I’m supposed to stay and deal with your bad selfish choice?”

I wouldn't leave for either reason. And I speak somewhat from experience.