Relationship Deal Breakers

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Sounds like you guys need to have an in depth discussion about it. You need to find out if there is actually a reason, or if he is playing tit for tat.

But this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

Yep, agreed ... tit for tat feels like what it is & my patience is thin for that.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Thanks for answering & I’m glad you & DH can come to some mutual agreement.
So we a blended family, he has a daughter from his first marriage, I have a son & 2 daughters. His DD (20) has decided she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me or my kids anymore. No reason given she simply refuses. We have known her since she was 2. I have no problem with his DD, I am just hurt by her choice & choosing also not to associate with my girls. They grew up together.
He has now taken the position that he doesn’t feel very welcomed by my mother & is refusing to be around her.
Love him & very sick of it.

Wow, that is really difficult. I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry this is where you are.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

Thanks for answering & I’m glad you & DH can come to some mutual agreement.
So we a blended family, he has a daughter from his first marriage, I have a son & 2 daughters. His DD (20) has decided she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me or my kids anymore. No reason given she simply refuses. We have known her since she was 2. I have no problem with his DD, I am just hurt by her choice & choosing also not to associate with my girls. They grew up together.
He has now taken the position that he doesn’t feel very welcomed by my mother & is refusing to be around her.
Love him & very sick of it.

That’s an incredibly tough situation, and I’m sorry you are dealing with it.

I agree with @MaryLovesPoohBear that you need to find out whether he is playing tit for tat. I think you also need to find out why he suddenly feels like your mother is a problem.

My mum and I are incredibly close, and she and my husband are also very close - they go out for ice cream once a week together and run errands together that I don’t want to do. Many people have expressed envy at their relationship, and while this would not be my expectation, I certainly have an expectation that they both get along, for my sake. But they are both reasonable people, and even if they didn’t like each other, I would expect them to behave themselves and not put me in the middle.

My mother-in-law hated me on spec, and after an ultimatum in which my husband chose me, we didn’t speak to them for many years. When we did get back in contact, my husband was very clear that if I didn’t want him to have contact then we wouldn’t. Things are pretty good now, but if his mother was rude to me even once, it would likely be the last time she ever saw him (his choice, not mine).

My point being that you are able to decide how important your relationship with your mom is, and evaluate her behaviour in this situation.

Adult children are harder, and it sounds like your partner’s daughter is testing her dad to see how far she can push him. You say that you have known her since she was 2, but is that how long you have been with your partner? I’m wondering whether she is unhappy with a change in the relationship, and acting out as a result.

I do think you can see family without the other person being involved, but it is likely to put at least a small amount of pressure on the relationship, and it could be a great deal of pressure, depending on the level of hostility. In order for it not to damage your relationship with your partner, you need to both be on the same page. There also needs to be a lot of communication, and neither exerting any pressure on the other to cut contact with the other family members.

What is your partner’s take on his daughter’s behaviour?

 

[Colleen27]

Depends on which family member it is. If it is one of my kids, that is a deal breaker and I wouldn't be dating the person anymore after this came out. If it is anyone else, we could probably work around it, depending on the situation. DH has a relative (not a parent or sibling) that I don't like to be around. When that person is at a family gathering, I either don't go, or I go for a short time and stay away from the person. Sometimes DH goes, sometimes he doesn't, but he understands and respects my feelings about it. I do not ask him to stay away from the person, or "take my side".

Yeah, there was a period where my BIL and I barely spoke over some stupid drama he stirred up when DH & I were newly engaged. And for a short time, DH wouldn't have anything to do with him outside of major holidays either because of his attitude. They're not particularly close - big age gap and polar opposites in personality - and it wasn't a big deal...

But that does bring to mind another dealbreaker. For a short time, a few years after all the drama, that same BIL lived with us. At the time he was still living at home with his parents, and they tore down their home to build new on the same site. He couldn't afford a place of his own and couldn't stay in the one-bedroom place his parents rented, so he stayed with us during construction. Never. Again. And DH knows it. If BIL somehow ended up in that position again (not likely - he's almost 40, married, and owns a house of his own now), it would be a choice between BIL and me. He's a slob, he doesn't work, and he had a habit of relaying arguments/conversations he found interesting to the rest of the extended family (DH and I were trying, unsuccessfully, for a baby at the time AND dealing with some major school issues with DS, and I really didn't like having people up in such personal business). But that's something DH & I are totally on the same page about. He ended up being just as unhappy with the situation as I was.

Thanks for answering & I’m glad you & DH can come to some mutual agreement.
So we a blended family, he has a daughter from his first marriage, I have a son & 2 daughters. His DD (20) has decided she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me or my kids anymore. No reason given she simply refuses. We have known her since she was 2. I have no problem with his DD, I am just hurt by her choice & choosing also not to associate with my girls. They grew up together.
He has now taken the position that he doesn’t feel very welcomed by my mother & is refusing to be around her.
Love him & very sick of it.

That sounds like something that needs to be brought out into the open. It almost sounds like a tit-for-tat thing, but that would suggest he's siding with his daughter in whatever caused the breakdown in that relationship. Has she maybe told him things that he hasn't shared with you about why she doesn't want to be around?

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

That sounds like something that needs to be brought out into the open. It almost sounds like a tit-for-tat thing, but that would suggest he's siding with his daughter in whatever caused the breakdown in that relationship. Has she maybe told him things that he hasn't shared with you about why she doesn't want to be around?

No & I am confident he would tell me. He is equally frustrated by DD for doing this but that’s his daughter. I would never expect him to “choose between” ya, I would never go there...but it wears on me all the same.