Relationship Deal Breakers

[Tigger in a kilt]

I wouldn't leave for either reason. And I speak somewhat from experience.

I think it also depends on the illness. For example, untreated heart problems, diabetes or epilepsy would have far less of an impact on other family members that untreated mental illness would have. My husband has both mental illness and epilepsy, and the way I would approach him refusing medication would be very different between the two illnesses.

 

[Scifidiner]

Not wanting to go to Walt Disney World...

 

[Colleen27]

I think when folks say they’d leave if someone got sick they mean “oh you had a heart attack? See ya!”

I think they mean “oh you had a heart attack and you’ve been told what to do in terms of diet and exercise and medications and you’re choosing not to do any of that and therefore are at risk of becoming a cardiac cripple when
You could follow directions and live a perfectly good life and I’m supposed to stay and deal with your bad selfish choice?”

Exactly. And to be blunt, I could see my husband doing the latter (he is very much like his father... who, just today, went to a high-end candy store near us to "stock up" and dropped off a few goodies for the kids) so it is important to me that he know that's a deal breaker. I was one of my grandmother's caregivers through more than a decade of mobility issues, dementia, and other chronic health conditions and I have no problem taking on that role again with a spouse IF it is necessary. But I'm not going to be an enabler to someone who won't help themselves or makes their own condition worse due to non-compliance, nor do I view my own quality of life as acceptable collateral damage for someone else's decision not to put forth any effort for themselves.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I think when folks say they’d leave if someone got sick they mean “oh you had a heart attack? See ya!”

I think they mean “oh you had a heart attack and you’ve been told what to do in terms of diet and exercise and medications and you’re choosing not to do any of that and therefore are at risk of becoming a cardiac cripple when
You could follow directions and live a perfectly good life and I’m supposed to stay and deal with your bad selfish choice?”

Anyone that would leave their spouse in that situation really means the first. The second is merely a rationalization for it in a desperate attempt to try and convince themselves they aren't the bad guy. The bottom line is Oh you had a heart attack, see ya regardless of the rationalization. The selfish one,is the the one that would leave in that situation. And yes, they are supposed to stay. The vow doesn't say for richer, for better, in health but not for poorer, for worse, or sickness. If that is all the staying power someone has, they shouldn't take the marriage vow and should just move in together and play house. This isn't a situation where someone is strung out and beating people or becoming a danger or being abusive or anything like it. This is someone that got fat and had heart trouble.
And if someone is that selfish that they would abandon their spouse in the hour of greatest need all the while projecting their own selfishness onto their spouse, leaving over the heart attack wasn't their first instance of selfishness. In fact, they probably wouldn't even last until the heart attack. They'd find some other selfish reason to leave. And it's likely that same selfish person back when their spouse was getting fat, probably copped the selfish attitude of "why shouldn't I buy ice cream, potato chips and the like. I don't have a weight problem." and as such contributed to it. And they probably mentally checked out of the marriage and stopped putting anything into it long before or worse hurled verbal abuse at em or belittled them instead of providing genuine loving support back when it could have made a difference.

 

[bcwife76]

Cheating. Drug use. Alcohol abuse. Physical violence towards me or my kids.

Yep, those would be mine as well.

 

[Colleen27]

Anyone that would leave their spouse in that situation really means the first. The second is merely a rationalization for it in a desperate attempt to try and convince themselves they aren't the bad guy. The bottom line is Oh you had a heart attack, see ya regardless of the rationalization. The selfish one,is the the one that would leave in that situation. And yes, they are supposed to stay. The vow doesn't say for richer, for better, in health but not for poorer, for worse, or sickness. If that is all the staying power someone has, they shouldn't take the marriage vow and should just move in together and play house. This isn't a situation where someone is strung out and beating people or becoming a danger or being abusive or anything like it. This is someone that got fat and had heart trouble.
And if someone is that selfish that they would abandon their spouse in the hour of greatest need all the while projecting their own selfishness onto their spouse, leaving over the heart attack wasn't their first instance of selfishness. In fact, they probably wouldn't even last until the heart attack. They'd find some other selfish reason to leave. And it's likely that same selfish person back when their spouse was getting fat, probably copped the selfish attitude of "why shouldn't I buy ice cream, potato chips and the like. I don't have a weight problem." and as such contributed to it. And they probably mentally checked out of the marriage and stopped putting anything into it long before or worse hurled verbal abuse at em or belittled them instead of providing genuine loving support back when it could have made a difference.

That is an absurd leap. Enabling is not helping, whether it is addiction or refusal to cooperate with medical care. Using the situation that led me to talk about this as a deal-breaker, my MIL cooks healthy meals, tries to get FIL to go for walks together and enjoy other mildly active pursuits suitable to his ability level, tried to keep sweets and high-sodium foods out of the house, and reminds him about his meds like clockwork. He, meanwhile, watches about 15 hours of TV a day, tells her he's going to the doctor or physical therapist and goes to McDs instead, hides bags of candy and sweets around the house, and belittles her for her efforts to "manipulate" and "control" him (his words).

Oh, and I never said anything about weight. Only about health.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

That is an absurd leap. Enabling is not helping, whether it is addiction or refusal to cooperate with medical care. Using the situation that led me to talk about this as a deal-breaker, my MIL cooks healthy meals, tries to get FIL to go for walks together and enjoy other mildly active pursuits suitable to his ability level, tried to keep sweets and high-sodium foods out of the house, and reminds him about his meds like clockwork. He, meanwhile, watches about 15 hours of TV a day, tells her he's going to the doctor or physical therapist and goes to McDs instead, hides bags of candy and sweets around the house, and belittles her for her efforts to "manipulate" and "control" him (his words).

Oh, and I never said anything about weight. Only about health.

Well first of all it wasn't your post I quoted. It was Disney Doll's. Secondly the scenario I followed was the scenario laid out in the post I quoted I didn't leap from it at all let alone absurdly.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

If I understood your earlier post correctly, your husband has stated he'll absolutely let her move in if she wants to? Even knowing and fully acknowledging what you've posted here now? I guess for me just knowing that in advance would be as heartbreaking as having it actually happen. Sorry.

Not exactly. He would let her move in if she has absolutely nowhere else to go, and the only choice is either move in with us or let her live on the street. I not a monster, so I would never make him let his own mother live on the streets, but I also know that if she ever came to live with us, it would break me, and our marriage, and I would not stay. DH's answer is to ignore her bad behavior and either hope she doesn't do it again, or change OUR way of doing things in order to protect the kids and us from her craziness, and my solution is to tell her straight-out what we will and will not tolerate from her. So we would argue about that, I would be stressed and angry all the time, he would be in the middle, and it wouldn't be good for anyone. I have put my foot down for 20 years now that there is NO WAY she will ever be living with us so long as she has ANYWHERE else to go, and DH agrees with that. His sense of guilt and loyalty comes in if ever the choice becomes a "take her in, or leave her homeless" situation, and we both pray that it never comes to that because we both know it will be our responsibility to take her in, but also know it will devastate our marriage. I agree with you...it *is* heartbreaking knowing it could come to this one day

ETA: And yes, her financial, health, and mental stability/capacity is such that if she doesn't have family to support her, she will be homeless and on the streets. I'm not talking in hyperbole here. It is a dire situation she is in.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Not exactly. He would let her move in if she has absolutely nowhere else to go, and the only choice is either move in with us or let her live on the street. I not a monster, so I would never make him let his own mother live on the streets, but I also know that if she ever came to live with us, it would break me, and our marriage, and I would not stay. DH's answer is to ignore her bad behavior and either hope she doesn't do it again, or change OUR way of doing things in order to protect the kids and us from her craziness, and my solution is to tell her straight-out what we will and will not tolerate from her. So we would argue about that, I would be stressed and angry all the time, he would be in the middle, and it wouldn't be good for anyone. I have put my foot down for 20 years now that there is NO WAY she will ever be living with us so long as she has ANYWHERE else to go, and DH agrees with that. His sense of guilt and loyalty comes in if ever the choice becomes a "take her in, or leave her homeless" situation, and we both pray that it never comes to that because we both know it will be our responsibility to take her in, but also know it will devastate our marriage. I agree with you...it *is* heartbreaking knowing it could come to this one day

ETA: And yes, her financial, health, and mental stability/capacity is such that if she doesn't have family to support her, she will be homeless and on the streets. I'm not talking in hyperbole here. It is a dire situation she is in.

I wish your MIL good luck & at the same time I hope the day never comes that she is at YOUR doorstep.

 

[bethy]

Not exactly. He would let her move in if she has absolutely nowhere else to go, and the only choice is either move in with us or let her live on the street. I not a monster, so I would never make him let his own mother live on the streets, but I also know that if she ever came to live with us, it would break me, and our marriage, and I would not stay. DH's answer is to ignore her bad behavior and either hope she doesn't do it again, or change OUR way of doing things in order to protect the kids and us from her craziness, and my solution is to tell her straight-out what we will and will not tolerate from her. So we would argue about that, I would be stressed and angry all the time, he would be in the middle, and it wouldn't be good for anyone. I have put my foot down for 20 years now that there is NO WAY she will ever be living with us so long as she has ANYWHERE else to go, and DH agrees with that. His sense of guilt and loyalty comes in if ever the choice becomes a "take her in, or leave her homeless" situation, and we both pray that it never comes to that because we both know it will be our responsibility to take her in, but also know it will devastate our marriage. I agree with you...it *is* heartbreaking knowing it could come to this one day

ETA: And yes, her financial, health, and mental stability/capacity is such that if she doesn't have family to support her, she will be homeless and on the streets. I'm not talking in hyperbole here. It is a dire situation she is in.

In that case one compromise would be to pay for an apartment for her. I hope it never comes to that!

 

[Colleen27]

Well first of all it wasn't your post I quoted. It was Disney Doll's. Secondly the scenario I followed was the scenario laid out in the post I quoted I didn't leap from it at all let alone absurdly.

And you started that post with "Anyone who would..." I'm one of the handful of posters who has said that self-induced invalid status is a potential dealbreaker, so I'm part of that "anyone". And as part of that "anyone", I do think your whole post was a ridiculous leap. Marriage is a give and take, IMO, and the situation I and others have described regarding not addressing health issues is one where one spouse does all the taking while the other does all the giving. That's no way to live.

 

[ronandannette]

Not exactly. He would let her move in if she has absolutely nowhere else to go, and the only choice is either move in with us or let her live on the street. I not a monster, so I would never make him let his own mother live on the streets, but I also know that if she ever came to live with us, it would break me, and our marriage, and I would not stay. DH's answer is to ignore her bad behavior and either hope she doesn't do it again, or change OUR way of doing things in order to protect the kids and us from her craziness, and my solution is to tell her straight-out what we will and will not tolerate from her. So we would argue about that, I would be stressed and angry all the time, he would be in the middle, and it wouldn't be good for anyone. I have put my foot down for 20 years now that there is NO WAY she will ever be living with us so long as she has ANYWHERE else to go, and DH agrees with that. His sense of guilt and loyalty comes in if ever the choice becomes a "take her in, or leave her homeless" situation, and we both pray that it never comes to that because we both know it will be our responsibility to take her in, but also know it will devastate our marriage. I agree with you...it *is* heartbreaking knowing it could come to this one day

ETA: And yes, her financial, health, and mental stability/capacity is such that if she doesn't have family to support her, she will be homeless and on the streets. I'm not talking in hyperbole here. It is a dire situation she is in.

I wouldn't let one more day pass before my DH and I started strategizing how to make sure that NEVER happens. Start researching resources for indigent seniors if you (and the collective group of off-spring) don't have the funds to pay for a retirement home. No matter what the cost, it would be worth it. And if you provided an arrangement like that and she refused? That's not having "absolutely nowhere else" to go, now is it.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

I wouldn't let one more day pass before my DH and I started strategizing how to make sure that NEVER happens. Start researching resources for indigent seniors if you (and the collective group of off-spring) don't have the funds to pay for a retirement home. No matter what the cost, it would be worth it. And if you provided an arrangement like that and she refused? That's not having "absolutely nowhere else" to go, now is it.

Totally agree, it would be well worth the effort for @Lilacs4Me & her DH + siblings to look into living arrangements so there is a plan in place that doesn’t involve her house.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Op here & when I posted the question I was thinking of long term relationships or marriages.
I was wondering not so much about the BIG ones (cheating, abuse/violence, criminal behavior, addiction).
I was more curious about something that seems SMALL or INSIGNIFICANT, but festers over time & becomes a major point of contention or resentment.

Love this post. We've been married 22 years and together 30. There are basically no dealbreakers for us.

Us either. No deal breakers.

We've been married for almost 27 years. Together for 29.

We've been through a lot. Including massive weight gain for me, some for him as well, but not the 100 pounds that I put on. Major illness for me, times (well, more than I can count.) Physical illness induced mental illness. (Amazing what low B12 can do to your mind.) Meddling in-laws. Family tragedies. Unemployment.

I've never, not once, thought about leaving. And according to him, him either.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

My track record indicates that I have a high tolerance for bull. I think cheating would be the fastest deal breaker. Otherwise, I guess a collection of things that builds up over years. Things such as: pushing me around, yelling at me, in-law drama, family drama, accusing me of things etc... (None of these things my husband does by the way).

 

[Floridaman999]

Besides the obvious ones already listed I think a big one for me would be someone who was not independent and self confident. I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who was needy. I want to be a partner and a piece of your life. I would never entertain someone who constantly needed my attention and involvement in almost all aspects of their life. It works for some people but it would make me run for the hills at a rapid pace. Huge deal breaker for me.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Haha! & I'm thinking of Meatloaf: I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That).
What about your S/O refusing to be around one of your immediate family members?

Depends on which family member it is. If it is one of my kids, that is a deal breaker and I wouldn't be dating the person anymore after this came out. If it is anyone else, we could probably work around it, depending on the situation. DH has a relative (not a parent or sibling) that I don't like to be around. When that person is at a family gathering, I either don't go, or I go for a short time and stay away from the person. Sometimes DH goes, sometimes he doesn't, but he understands and respects my feelings about it. I do not ask him to stay away from the person, or "take my side".

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Haha! & I'm thinking of Meatloaf: I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That).
What about your S/O refusing to be around one of your immediate family members?

Well, my own mother in law hasn't spoken to me in years. In fact, there had been a cold war going on with her since she met me.

At some point, she decided to stop speaking to me.

So now, I would certainly have a hard time being around her. She has done everything that she can to break us up. So, it seems to me that she has lost her right to be at my house.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Depends on which family member it is. If it is one of my kids, that is a deal breaker and I wouldn't be dating the person anymore after this came out. If it is anyone else, we could probably work around it, depending on the situation. DH has a relative (not a parent or sibling) that I don't like to be around. When that person is at a family gathering, I either don't go, or I go for a short time and stay away from the person. Sometimes DH goes, sometimes he doesn't, but he understands and respects my feelings about it. I do not ask him to stay away from the person, or "take my side".

Thanks for answering & I’m glad you & DH can come to some mutual agreement.
So we a blended family, he has a daughter from his first marriage, I have a son & 2 daughters. His DD (20) has decided she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me or my kids anymore. No reason given she simply refuses. We have known her since she was 2. I have no problem with his DD, I am just hurt by her choice & choosing also not to associate with my girls. They grew up together.
He has now taken the position that he doesn’t feel very welcomed by my mother & is refusing to be around her.
Love him & very sick of it.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Thanks for answering & I’m glad you & DH can come to some mutual agreement.
So we a blended family, he has a daughter from his first marriage, I have a son & 2 daughters. His DD (20) has decided she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me or my kids anymore. No reason given she simply refuses. We have known her since she was 2. I have no problem with his DD, I am just hurt by her choice & choosing also not to associate with my girls. They grew up together.
He has now taken the position that he doesn’t feel very welcomed by my mother & is refusing to be around her.
Love him & very sick of it.

Sounds like you guys need to have an in depth discussion about it. You need to find out if there is actually a reason, or if he is playing tit for tat.

But this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.