What would you do?

1GoldenSun · Apr 19, 2019

Not me or a family member, but someone I know is in this situation.

My friend and her daughter are planning the daughter's wedding. The future husband is a nice guy (supposedly, I've never met him but my friend likes him) but is not at all interested in the wedding and is leaving it up to my friend and her daughter.

My friend and her husband, the bride's father, are paying for it. They put money aside for this as the daughter was growing up, so they have the money, but there is definitely a budget. The groom will be paying for half the honeymoon, and the bride is paying for the other half, but the entire expense of the wedding is on my friends. The groom's family has not offered anything nor does it appear that they will. My friend is fine with this as they had always planned on paying for their daughter's wedding. This is not the problem at all; absolutely no expectations of financial assistance.

The issue is the guest list. They have found the venue they like, as well as caterers, etc., but at the "per plate" price they will have to limit the guest list. What my friend and her daughter are wondering is if it would be rude for them to invite more of "their people" and limit the groom's family. The groom has a very large family, and my friend and her daughter have no idea how many of them would expect to be invited.

I think the bride should talk to her fiance and get his input. She says that she has but that he just says he really doesn't care a thing about the wedding or who is invited, he just wants to be married to her. My friend thinks that's great and all, but his mother may think differently, haha. My friend and the groom's mother do not have enough of a relationship for her to talk to her about this.

Considering that they are paying for the entire wedding, would it be rude for the bride's family to invite more of their family than the groom's? Should they ask the groom's mother for an estimate of how many they'd like to invite, or give her the number they think they can invite? I'm afraid if they ask her and she tells them she has 100 people, it'll be harder to back peddle from than just telling her that she can have 40 on her guest list. Personally, I think 40 is a very reasonable number, but the groom's family is so large that this would probably mean no cousins, while the bride intends to invite her cousins.

What do you think?

Floridaman999 · Apr 19, 2019

Barring them actually just talking about it and figuring it out, I think the guest list should be 50/50.

Breezy_Carol · Apr 19, 2019

I think the bride decides how many guests they can afford and then split that number 50/50 between the two sides. They can tell groom's mother how many she can invite.

Kellydelly · Apr 19, 2019

The parents need to give the bride a budget and then step away from the planning and guest list.

sksjasams · Apr 19, 2019

Completely agree with PPs. 50/50 of the total they can afford and/or the venue can hold.

If for some reason the groom's family comes up with less, then the bride's family could fill those extra seats.

Disneylover99 · Apr 19, 2019

1GoldenSun said:
Not me or a family member, but someone I know is in this situation.

My friend and her daughter are planning the daughter's wedding. The future husband is a nice guy (supposedly, I've never met him but my friend likes him) but is not at all interested in the wedding and is leaving it up to my friend and her daughter.

My friend and her husband, the bride's father, are paying for it. They put money aside for this as the daughter was growing up, so they have the money, but there is definitely a budget. The groom will be paying for half the honeymoon, and the bride is paying for the other half, but the entire expense of the wedding is on my friends. The groom's family has not offered anything nor does it appear that they will. My friend is fine with this as they had always planned on paying for their daughter's wedding. This is not the problem at all; absolutely no expectations of financial assistance.

The issue is the guest list. They have found the venue they like, as well as caterers, etc., but at the "per plate" price they will have to limit the guest list. What my friend and her daughter are wondering is if it would be rude for them to invite more of "their people" and limit the groom's family. The groom has a very large family, and my friend and her daughter have no idea how many of them would expect to be invited.

I think the bride should talk to her fiance and get his input. She says that she has but that he just says he really doesn't care a thing about the wedding or who is invited, he just wants to be married to her. My friend thinks that's great and all, but his mother may think differently, haha. My friend and the groom's mother do not have enough of a relationship for her to talk to her about this.

Considering that they are paying for the entire wedding, would it be rude for the bride's family to invite more of their family than the groom's? Should they ask the groom's mother for an estimate of how many they'd like to invite, or give her the number they think they can invite? I'm afraid if they ask her and she tells them she has 100 people, it'll be harder to back peddle from than just telling her that she can have 40 on her guest list. Personally, I think 40 is a very reasonable number, but the groom's family is so large that this would probably mean no cousins, while the bride intends to invite her cousins.

What do you think?

I think the groom needs to talk to his parents about this sooner (like, now) rather then later to see how they feel. It’s great that he doesn’t care, but his parents may feel differently.

That being said, I think it’s reasonable for the brides parents to have a few extra guests from their side if they’re paying for it and it’s not an issue for the bride and groom. If they are thinking about telling the groom’s family a limit of 40, how many are they thinking of inviting on the bride’s side?

Ellie008 · Apr 19, 2019

Honestly I don't think we ever counted how many of the people who were invited were from my family vs DH's family. We just each put together a list of who we wanted to invite, added them up, and that was the number. We found a venue and menu we could afford with the guest list we had.

kuhltiffany · Apr 19, 2019

Since this is definitely more of the bride's wedding, invite whoever she would like. Then I'd tell the groom's side, we have enough to pay for XX number of guests (whatever # remains), and if you would like to invite more than that, the cost will be $XX per person. And yes, it's mandatory to talk to the other side about it before booking the venue!

Gumbo4x4 · Apr 19, 2019

My personal belief is you set the “level of closeness” and invite everyone at that level regardless of whether one side ends up larger than the other or not. For example, you can’t invite all the bride’s first cousins and then only some of the groom’s just because there are more of them in his family.

And you absolutely cannot bring more of “your side” just because your side is paying. If the budget is causing an issue, you either get more stringent across the board with who you invite, OR you adjust the venue & menu downward to accommodate more people.

Darcy03231 · Apr 19, 2019

For DD #1's wedding we took the budget and decided how many guests could be invited for their choice of venue. The number was then split into thirds - 1/3 for our family, 1/3 for the groom's family and 1/3 for the bride and grooms friends. Groom's mother had 10 fits as she had a list of about 200 people - her closest friends and family. She was told by bride and groom that she would have to find a venue to accommodate the total number guests and would have to pay the difference. She ended up sticking to her 1/3.

disykat · Apr 19, 2019

Kellydelly said:
The parents need to give the bride a budget and then step away from the planning and guest list.

I know I'll be ripped to shreds for this, but I'm going to put my truth out there.

I agree with this in theory and have always said this. My parents gave me some money towards it, but DH and I planned our own wedding and made the guest list. We BOTH invited current friends and also people from our past including close relatives and family friends that were like family. My parent's had no interest in input, DH's mom gave him a list and addresses. There were about the same number of family friends and relatives from each side invited and that attended.

Once I was mother of the groom I admit to being very hurt by the guest list. We gave a gift that covered about 1/3, plus hosted rehearsal dinner and son paid for the rest. It became a problem when the guest list was all about the bride and my son didn't seem to care about the people on his side. Very hurtful. I ended up speaking up and got about 14 people added to the guest list. A total of 20 would have thrilled me. (Their guest list was in the neighborhood of 150.) In theory, I still believe the bride and groom make the decisions, but I'm still hurt and pretty disappointed in my son. I am praying that it doesn't have long term consequences for what I'm still hoping will be a relationship with my DIL. (So far we are cordial, but not close.)

In neither my wedding or my sons was it an issue that one set of parents couldn't contribute financially. But I think that realistically it comes into to play if one side of the guest list is is given importance over the other. Having put money in does make a difference in the resentment if you feel like your feelings weren't taken into consideration.

Allison · Apr 19, 2019

Yes, it would be rude to just do that. Conversations need to happen.

amcnj · Apr 19, 2019

Some situations are lopsided, where one side has few family and so don’t have many guests. But since that doesn’t seem to be the case here, I know of other times where the lists were equal, and someone requiring/wanting more than that number then paid for those people.

Sounds like something the future bride and groom may need to discuss, to avoid starting things out with bad feelings between the families.

Mackenzie Click-Mickelson · Apr 19, 2019

Just because one side is footing the bill shouldn't mean they get more guests on the sole basis of that. Makes me wonder as "would it be rude" was mentioned several times in the OP if that was kinda the thought the whole time.

In the end this is a conversation the bride and groom need to have themselves. Even if the groom is not into all the nitty gritty details this is one of the main details he needs to be included in.

In my case my husband just had more family members and friends than I did. I only had my mom's side of the family living here whereas he had his dad's side, his mom's side, his step-dad's side, his step-mom's side, etc So I don't necessarily think a blanket 50/50 works out for every situation. In this specific case both the bride and groom need to be comfortable with the amount and the 'who is paying' (edit spelling) card needs to take a back seat.

Hikergirl · Apr 19, 2019

I think a 50/50 split is the most appropriate, I don't feel that because one family is paying they automatically get more guests, especially more than double (if the OP's numbers of 100 for bride side and 40 for groom's is what they are thinking). However, it really depends and that won't be known if nobody communicates what they want as far as a guest list.
This is something that the bride and groom need to discuss with eachother and then with their parents, maybe even all get together.
The groom to be may not care, but this is a time to act like a responsible adult and make some real decisions.

Mackenzie Click-Mickelson · Apr 19, 2019

disykat said:
I know I'll be ripped to shreds for this, but I'm going to put my truth out there.

I agree with this in theory and have always said this. My parents gave me some money towards it, but DH and I planned our own wedding and made the guest list. We BOTH invited current friends and also people from our past including close relatives and family friends that were like family. My parent's had no interest in input, DH's mom gave him a list and addresses. There were about the same number of family friends and relatives from each side invited and that attended.

Once I was mother of the groom I admit to being very hurt by the guest list. We gave a gift that covered about 1/3, plus hosted rehearsal dinner and son paid for the rest. It became a problem when the guest list was all about the bride and my son didn't seem to care about the people on his side. Very hurtful. I ended up speaking up and got about 14 people added to the guest list. A total of 20 would have thrilled me. (Their guest list was in the neighborhood of 150.) In theory, I still believe the bride and groom make the decisions, but I'm still hurt and pretty disappointed in my son. I am praying that it doesn't have long term consequences for what I'm still hoping will be a relationship with my DIL. (So far we are cordial, but not close.)

In neither my wedding or my sons was it an issue that one set of parents couldn't contribute financially. But I think that realistically it comes into to play if one side of the guest list is is given importance over the other. Having put money in does make a difference in the resentment if you feel like your feelings weren't taken into consideration.

Though you did say you were disappointed in your son did your son give his reason for who was or more aptly who was not invited?

tarheelmjfan · Apr 19, 2019

IMO, giving the impression that one side of the family is more important than the other is not a good way to start a marriage.

lifesavacation · Apr 19, 2019

I do think it would be rude to limit the groom’s guests based on how much money his family chips in.

I commented in another thread that I worry about navigating the weddings of our children. I know they’ll ask us for money. It’s threads like this that make me cringe inside because if one side doesn’t want or can’t contribute to a lavish wedding and the other side does, it creates an awkward situation.

disykat · Apr 19, 2019

I honestly thought I would be the last person to be upset about a wedding because I'm not a big "occasion" person, but it was really hard. I bought a beige dress. I tried to keep my mouth shut. I pretended I was overjoyed about the whole thing. I'm glad it's over and it won't be a memory I want to relive over and over. The good thing is that my son and his wife were thrilled and had what they wanted. Small price for me to pay, because ultimately they got what I wanted for them.

superme80 · Apr 19, 2019

I felt bad that my family seemed to overpower the guest list at my wedding. Thankfully DH's family was small and understanding. I honestly think the bride and groom need to decide who to invite, then give the parents the same number they can invite.

What would you do?

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