What would you do?

[disykat]

Well, I have a few thoughts. I don’t think you can judge the closeness of his relationships based on who’s in attendance at the family gatherings. I doubt he was the one making the guest list for these gatherings, after all. (And look how many people spend the holidays with people they don’t even like! )

I’m thinking of the relationships my husband and I have, and in turn my son will have, with the relatives who are at every family celebration with us. Some we’re close to and others we just see those few times a year, making polite conversation and then going our separate ways. I expect my son, who is yet another generation further removed, will have even less of a relationship with those people. Come wedding time, I would certainly understand his desire to give one of his limited invitations to a friend over a great uncle he only has a superficial relationship with, even though that uncle was present at all the family gatherings through the years.

Even if his choices about the guest list surprised me, I still feel those choices are his to make. (And as an adult, he can deal with any resulting fall out from his choices.) I wouldn’t get involved and try to influence the guest list, regardless if I had made a monetary contribution or not. Weddings are meaningful occasions and the people in attendance should mean something to the bride and groom. Who I would chose to invite doesn’t matter because it’s not my wedding.

I can see the logic of your post , however these were people he loved. He often requested a meal with these people over a friend party . His birthday, his chouce. Their kids were like his cousins. We used to camp together annually and the adult kids ( including him until he got serious with new wife who wouldn't be interested) all still ask to do it again. When he comes into town, he always asked me to invite everyone over. It was a huge shock. They would totally have understood if it was family only or a small wedding, but it wasn't. He doesnt dislike them. He has chosen to spend his own money to fly to some of the kids weddings and once they were invited several flew in for his. They helped with cleanup after the wedding. He was just making a choice I didn't want him to regret. Another one he almost made was excluding his only brother from the wedding party (6 groomsmen) in favor of someone he knew for a year. He may be an adult, but I can still point out when's he's being a jerk. I don't regret talking to him one bit. There's a point when a groomzilla or bridezilla needs to be told their choices might sever relationships and is that a choice they want to make? My last parenting hurrah, I guess.

 

[Southernmiss]

OP here.

To answer some of your questions, they're planning on a guest list of no more than 150 total. The majority of the guest list consists of friends of the bride and groom. They didn't meet until their late 20s so have different high school and college friends. The bride has stayed close to so many friends from high school, college, grad school, and previous jobs and she can't imagine not inviting them all. Plus everyone she currently works with. I think she needs to realize that not everyone she's friends with expects to be invited. People do understand that everyone can't be invited.

The groom has a lot of siblings--full, half, and step--and most of them are married with multiple children. He also has a stepmother and an ex-stepmother and a stepfather, so quite a large family just when you consider "immediate" family. If they get into aunts and uncles and cousins,, they're afraid that would take up the whole guest list right there. The bride is an only child and has one cousin she thinks of as a sister, but if she invites her, she has to invite all her cousins, as well as aunts and uncles. Also, all four of her grandparents are living, while none of the grooms's are. So in the end, the bride's side of the family would only have probably four or five more people invited, it's just that the "level" of family goes further with hers--she's inviting cousins, etc. and he is not. Also, her list of friends is much larger than his, but that isn't family and no one would realize that she had more friends there than he did.

I agree they really need to talk it out. No mention of a rehearsal dinner has been made, and the groom says that he doesn't think they paid anything toward any of their other children's weddings. My friend doesn't care about a contribution from them, but she doesn't want to hurt any feelings.

By late 20s and early 30s, I would guess that the couple getting married would foot most of the bill for the wedding and really should be able to discuss these questions with each other and their families.

When I made our list for our sons wedding, I did a draft of A (must invite), B (should invite), and C (I'd love to invite, if I have a spot left). Really helped me to see who we and DS were closest to and who really needed to be at the wedding. Fortunately, I was able to include all those in the A,B and C groups without issue.

Though my mom did ask why an aunt and an uncle and some cousins of mine 2000 miles away who never met DS were not invited to his wedding. Ugh! Had to explain that we were capped out at the number of invitations we all had.

She got over it, but really why did she have to ask me?? A bit rude, but I never let DS know about it and bit my tongue.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

They should elope.

 

[ronandannette]

I can see the logic of your post , however these were people he loved. He often requested a meal with these people over a friend party . His birthday, his chouce. Their kids were like his cousins. We used to camp together annually and the adult kids ( including him until he got serious with new wife who wouldn't be interested) all still ask to do it again. When he comes into town, he always asked me to invite everyone over. It was a huge shock. They would totally have understood if it was family only or a small wedding, but it wasn't. He doesnt dislike them. He has chosen to spend his own money to fly to some of the kids weddings and once they were invited several flew in for his. They helped with cleanup after the wedding. He was just making a choice I didn't want him to regret. Another one he almost made was excluding his only brother from the wedding party (6 groomsmen) in favor of someone he knew for a year. He may be an adult, but I can still point out when's he's being a jerk. I don't regret talking to him one bit. There's a point when a groomzilla or bridezilla needs to be told their choices might sever relationships and is that a choice they want to make?

I guess I’m not understanding something here. You’ve reiterated that the decisions you were unhappy with were made by your son. Why then has it impacted you feelings about his wife (as you mentioned up-thread)?

 

[disykat]

I guess I’m not understanding something here. You’ve reiterated that the decisions you were unhappy with were made by your son. Why then has it impacted you feelings about his wife (as you mentioned up-thread)?

I know that he is capable of making his own choices and making them willingly so it is on him. However, it's hard not to have hard feelings about why he's making decisions that are different than he's ever made before now that they are a decision making unit. It just is what it is. Growing pains. Hopefully time will even things out, but it's hard at first. He has a new family to consider first and foremost - as it should be. It's an adjustment for us, and turning out to be WAAAY harder than I ever anticipated. We've been hands off for a lot of years, so I didn't know how hurt my feelings could be.

I totally agree in theory that it is the bride and groom's day, but it was such a shock that their vision didn't include family and loved ones from their past. Some of you may be in for a shock one day too. I certainly never anticipated this.

 

[Disneylover99]

I know that he is capable of making his own choices and making them willingly so it is on him. However, it's hard not to have hard feelings about why he's making decisions that are different than he's ever made before now that they are a decision making unit. It just is what it is. Growing pains. Hopefully time will even things out, but it's hard at first. He has a new family to consider first and foremost - as it should be. It's an adjustment for us, and turning out to be WAAAY harder than I ever anticipated. We've been hands off for a lot of years, so I didn't know how hurt my feelings could be.

I totally agree in theory that it is the bride and groom's day, but it was such a shock that their vision didn't include family and loved ones from their past. Some of you may be in for a shock one day too. I certainly never anticipated this.

I feel for you. I can see your point of view and I imagine I would feel the same.

 

[Nancyg56]

My personal belief is you set the “level of closeness” and invite everyone at that level regardless of whether one side ends up larger than the other or not. For example, you can’t invite all the bride’s first cousins and then only some of the groom’s just because there are more of them in his family.

And you absolutely cannot bring more of “your side” just because your side is paying. If the budget is causing an issue, you either get more stringent across the board with who you invite, OR you adjust the venue & menu downward to accommodate more people.

I agree. My nephew married and that wedding was a world of hurt for my brother and sister in law. The Bride and her mother planned it all, gave DS and DSIL a bill. They also planned the rehearsal dinner and told DS and DSIL who was invited, and gave them a bill. The reception was in an old hotel and they wanted the "view" from the mezzanine to be perfect, so the number if guests was limited to the number of people who would fit in that view. Okay. The brides family gave DN a number. SO far so good. They took the vast majority of guests and their list was out to 4th cousins. My DSIL and DB were so hurt. This wedding ended in a very messy divorce.

I understand budgets, and I understand fairness, but I will never understand one side being more important Thant eh other.

I know I'll be ripped to shreds for this, but I'm going to put my truth out there.

I agree with this in theory and have always said this. My parents gave me some money towards it, but DH and I planned our own wedding and made the guest list. We BOTH invited current friends and also people from our past including close relatives and family friends that were like family. My parent's had no interest in input, DH's mom gave him a list and addresses. There were about the same number of family friends and relatives from each side invited and that attended.

Once I was mother of the groom I admit to being very hurt by the guest list. We gave a gift that covered about 1/3, plus hosted rehearsal dinner and son paid for the rest. It became a problem when the guest list was all about the bride and my son didn't seem to care about the people on his side. Very hurtful. I ended up speaking up and got about 14 people added to the guest list. A total of 20 would have thrilled me. (Their guest list was in the neighborhood of 150.) In theory, I still believe the bride and groom make the decisions, but I'm still hurt and pretty disappointed in my son. I am praying that it doesn't have long term consequences for what I'm still hoping will be a relationship with my DIL. (So far we are cordial, but not close.)

In neither my wedding or my sons was it an issue that one set of parents couldn't contribute financially. But I think that realistically it comes into to play if one side of the guest list is is given importance over the other. Having put money in does make a difference in the resentment if you feel like your feelings weren't taken into consideration.

WHen my oldest was in the planning process we ended up having a come to Jesus meeting with him and his Bride. Somewhere in their process they were more invested in the "wedding" and all of teh festivities leading up to it than the marriage. This meant they were making plans that would leave our side of the family out. WHo plans a Jack and Jill knowing the grooms family is not going to be able to make it because that is what a friend wanted? We had already given my son his wedding money so there was no more towards the wedding itself, and I was not going to offer any extras until I was satisfied. They finally told me that felt like they had been catapulted into a circus and had no idea how they could unravel it. I told then that they needed to determine what they felt was important as a couple, and that when they made decisions to remember that some of the most important decisions are made when plannig a life together. Those decisions set the tone of their marraige and show what their priorities are.

I honestly did not care what they did however I was not going to fund the same kind of mess my brother and sister in law did, using a wedding to make sure one side of the family knows their place. Thankfully they left my porch with more in mind than the parties.

 

[billlaurie]

I know that he is capable of making his own choices and making them willingly so it is on him. However, it's hard not to have hard feelings about why he's making decisions that are different than he's ever made before now that they are a decision making unit. It just is what it is. Growing pains. Hopefully time will even things out, but it's hard at first. He has a new family to consider first and foremost - as it should be. It's an adjustment for us, and turning out to be WAAAY harder than I ever anticipated. We've been hands off for a lot of years, so I didn't know how hurt my feelings could be.

I totally agree in theory that it is the bride and groom's day, but it was such a shock that their vision didn't include family and loved ones from their past. Some of you may be in for a shock one day too. I certainly never anticipated this.

So far only my girls have married and although I had little involvement in the planning, they seemed to pick the guest list very fairly. The girls absolutely did more of the planning than their future husbands. Could be different though if or when my sons marry someday. If it is so unbalanced on one side, there could be a lot of hurt, and doesn't seem like the best way to merge two families.[/QUOTE]

 

[moon]

Change the venue so everyone can attend

 

[Julie's Haircut]

As long as I'm NOT invited, I'm happy.

 

[PollyannaMom]

My friend and the groom's mother do not have enough of a relationship for her to talk to her about this.

Time to go have lunch and get to know each other!

Considering that they are paying for the entire wedding, would it be rude for the bride's family to invite more of their family than the groom's?

By a significant amount, yes. Bu if it works out a few people off, that's fine.

Should they ask the groom's mother for an estimate of how many they'd like to invite, or give her the number they think they can invite?

If you were trying to choose a venue, i'd say ask. But if the bride and groom have their hearts set on a venue, then tell.

For DD #1's wedding we took the budget and decided how many guests could be invited for their choice of venue. The number was then split into thirds - 1/3 for our family, 1/3 for the groom's family and 1/3 for the bride and grooms friends.

This makes sense to me.

OP here.

To answer some of your questions, they're planning on a guest list of no more than 150 total. The majority of the guest list consists of friends of the bride and groom. They didn't meet until their late 20s so have different high school and college friends.

Then subtract that number from 150, divide by two, and each mom gets that number to work with.

The groom has a lot of siblings--full, half, and step--and most of them are married with multiple children. He also has a stepmother and an ex-stepmother and a stepfather, so quite a large family just when you consider "immediate" family. If they get into aunts and uncles and cousins,, they're afraid that would take up the whole guest list right there. The bride is an only child and has one cousin she thinks of as a sister, but if she invites her, she has to invite all her cousins, as well as aunts and uncles. Also, all four of her grandparents are living, while none of the grooms's are. So in the end, the bride's side of the family would only have probably four or five more people invited, it's just that the "level" of family goes further with hers--she's inviting cousins, etc. and he is not. Also, her list of friends is much larger than his, but that isn't family and no one would realize that she had more friends there than he did.

I think that's OK.

 

[lifesavacation]

I agree. My nephew married and that wedding was a world of hurt for my brother and sister in law. The Bride and her mother planned it all, gave DS and DSIL a bill. They also planned the rehearsal dinner and told DS and DSIL who was invited, and gave them a bill. The reception was in an old hotel and they wanted the "view" from the mezzanine to be perfect, so the number if guests was limited to the number of people who would fit in that view. Okay. The brides family gave DN a number. SO far so good. They took the vast majority of guests and their list was out to 4th cousins. My DSIL and DB were so hurt. This wedding ended in a very messy divorce.

I understand budgets, and I understand fairness, but I will never understand one side being more important Thant eh other.



WHen my oldest was in the planning process we ended up having a come to Jesus meeting with him and his Bride. Somewhere in their process they were more invested in the "wedding" and all of teh festivities leading up to it than the marriage. This meant they were making plans that would leave our side of the family out. WHo plans a Jack and Jill knowing the grooms family is not going to be able to make it because that is what a friend wanted? We had already given my son his wedding money so there was no more towards the wedding itself, and I was not going to offer any extras until I was satisfied. They finally told me that felt like they had been catapulted into a circus and had no idea how they could unravel it. I told then that they needed to determine what they felt was important as a couple, and that when they made decisions to remember that some of the most important decisions are made when plannig a life together. Those decisions set the tone of their marraige and show what their priorities are.

I honestly did not care what they did however I was not going to fund the same kind of mess my brother and sister in law did, using a wedding to make sure one side of the family knows their place. Thankfully they left my porch with more in mind than the parties.

What the heck is a Jack and Jill?

 

[Searc]

What the heck is a Jack and Jill?

A bridal shower with both men and women. It's the latest "thing" in weddings.

 

[Floridaman999]

I sure hope there's no hill involved, because we all know how that ended.

 

[Nancyg56]

A bridal shower with both men and women. It's the latest "thing" in weddings.

When I was a kid we used to have these Jack and Jill's. Everyone was invited, and it was a mice party. No one charged tickets.

I did this for my youngest son when he married. My family was all from out of town so this was a nice way to be sure everyone had a meal, etc. WE had dinner served, a wine fountain, a band, and then they opened gifts.

THe kind of J&J my DDIL wanted was way different It was party with tickets sold, and there woudl eb a lot of drinking . Nope.

 

[Searc]

I did this for my youngest son when he married. My family was all from out of town so this was a nice way to be sure everyone had a meal, etc. WE had dinner served, a wine fountain, a band, and then they opened gifts.

It was nice you paid for two weddings for him.

 

[Nancyg56]

It was nice you paid for two weddings for him.

It was not a wedding. We paid for a meal for our family members who would have been invited to a shower. I was happy to do so. The wedding was awesome though.