A rock and a hard place (a missing school question)

[carrie6466]

Another vote for call the school district. I just called my dd's school last week with this question, as my dh is on a job where he has to take vacation when he can get it. Sometimes it's summer, sometimes it's not. I have pulled my dd out of school more than once (and will be doing it again in September).

My district has a 'sick or death in family or court or dr. appt. only' absence policy. Most of the teachers haven't even been bothered about it. One teacher was really strict and marked all the days as 'illegal' absences. I don't really care either way. Everyone has to do what is best for their family

 

[Mirax]

Call the district they should know by now when school is going to start.

In some districts Kindergarten starts a few days after the entire district starts so make sure you get the kindergarten dates.

You know your son, is he adaptable or does he need to be in the classroom to understand all the rules. How will he react when he gets one of the classroom rules wrong when he enters the class room? For example and this is a silly not real example........

It's Wednesday, that is the day the class uses only green crayons, your son didn't know about the rule and uses a red crayon.

How will he react when the teacher corrects him? Will he have an outburst and be embarrassed or will he take it all in and remember that on Wednesdays he uses the green crayon?

The first few days of school is socialization and rule learning, my DS1 would have had a fit. DS2 would have shrugged it off. For me DS1 never misses the first day of school because of the trauma/drama that follows. DS2 is very adaptable and can miss as many as he wants and still get straight A's.

On a lighter note, make sure you check your local library for activities this summer, my library in Ohio(when I lived in OH) would have some kind of activity each week. It always got us out of the house and it was free.

 

[PaulaSue]

OP, family is MORE important! Go for it! Thank you to your Dh and all the BRAVE soilders!

 

[Aliceacc]

OK, you teach high school (first clue).
I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost me. "first clue"??? As to what? I mentioned my profession because I KNOW that the odds are overwhelming that the district knows when school starts. It's entirely possible that this whole thing is a non-issue, and that one phone call can resolve the question.

I've always been a SAHM and volunteered a lot with the little ones, have had three go through that and trust me the first week of K is not the last week that they're expected to make mistakes. This is a gradual process, and for the most part (with the exceptions that children may have been close before - neighbors, etc - ) cliques are not formed the first week. In fact, the first couple weeks are a zoo I'm so sorry that's been your experience. It isn't the way I would characterize the classes I worked with when my kids were young and I was a SAHM and volunteered in their schools. "Hectic??" Sure. But "a zoo??" Nope.

The teachers and assistants are very understanding. I agree with the majority that family time is far more important than the first few days of school and it is time that can never be reclaimed. This is a special circumstance and not like one poster said missing so much you have to go to court. It is more common than you might think. I have a very good friend that has worked in the school office here (2nd largest district in our state, not podunk corners) for many years and no one is penalized or turned away for checking in late. Also, from my own observation, no child has suffered any issues from checking in later at that age because not one child "gets it" from what they learn at first. OP, listening to some of the other posters here that have experienced first - hand the family time that was so important to them under your circumstances, I would surely not worry about a few days of missed K school - as someone pointed out, he will not even know it unless you tell him.I'm not sure you're giving her son enough credit. When he returns to school, he'll be smart enough to realize that he's more confused than his classmates. And any friends he has from Pre-K will be only too happy to tell him they were there the week before. Have a great time with your united family

OP, no one is suggesting that you NOT go. It seems to me that the suggestions fall into two camps:
a) book it and don't sweat it and
b) take a look at the calendar and see if you can work around that first week of school.


You're the only one on this thread who knows your son. The fact that you even brought up the question implies that you're concerned about the timing and the effect it would have on your son. If you thought it was as much a non-issue as some have claimed, I would imagine you would have just booked it without starting the thread. You know your son, and you're questioning whether the timing will cause him additional stress.

Should it matter to you, Labor Day this year is September 3. In schools in and around Long Island, that's the start of school, so it's early this year.


Either way, have a wonderful time. Your husband and all his buddies are in my prayers.

 

[deuceswild10]

Do whatever you need to do for you and your family. Missing the first few days of kindergarden would not bother me if it meant time for my kids with their father who they had not seen all summer long. Family is more important to me.

 

[ilovemk76]

So it is a long story but here is the bottom line. My DH will be deployed overseas for the ENTIRE summer. I need to start to plan activities and trips for my boys and I to keep us busy in his absence. I am considering booking a cruise for a week or so after he is scheduled to return as a way to spend time as a family and also have a few stolen moments as a couple.

My problem is that our district hasn't released an academic calendar for next year. My son starts K this year. I have an idea based on history when school should start and the cruise dates I'm considering will be close to the first day of school. How big of a deal do you think it is for my son to miss the first couple of days of school?? It isn't ideal, and if I had a calendar I would try really hard to avoid it but at this point I really need to make some plans.

My DH has traveled extensively in the past but this time calls to the kids will be really limited and 90 days is a long time when you are 5. We have had issues in the past reintergrating dad in to the family after an extended absence and I'm concerned about having DS start school right after he gets home. I was hoping a few days at sea might help with the adjustment and ease some of the transition. However, I don't really want to start the year off totally wrong.

Any suggestions?

It is possible that your DH will have his return date delayed.

If I was away from home for 90 days, the last thing I would want to do is go away. I would want to be home and just enjoy my family at home.

 

[North of Mouse]

Aliceacc, lighten up, we're basically saying the same thing. You call the first few weeks "hectic", I call it a "zoo" just a saying people I know have always had for what you are calling hectic. That's why I say it's no biggie to miss a few days and in spite of what you may think, they don't tell a child something one day of the first week and expect to not say it again, no , they are saying the same things over and over to help all of them adjust. Maybe you haven't been able to volunteer where your child was at first, but I have never not been able to be there so I know what I'm talking about. I did not stay the first day and had my child been clingy or scared I probably would not have been able to volunteer, but they did great, and didn't even try to stay with me. They were so used to playing with others when I was present. Also, about my comment on not telling the child it wasn't the first day and other children reminding him it wasn't - not our experience either - kids are too busy getting adjusted at that age to think of such a thing. And as another poster said, it takes a few weeks for all the class to settle into a routine as there are kids being registered nearly daily at first (I also know that from my friend that works in the office as I stated before). Anyhow, it's the OP's decision and from experience it's not a big deal, just from the ones that are trying to make it so.

 

[MsGrandma]

I agree first few days/weeks most important. Recommend later in school year-late October/early Nov. is a great time to visit the world, both in terms of low crowds and good weather!

 

[kkmcan]

I wouldn't have him miss the first days/week of school. The teachers/staff go over a lot of procedures and rules etc. There's a ton of learning going on even if it is not academic learning.

Yes, they do go over these over and over again but by then all the kids get how to do things, transitions, lunchtime, going to PE and music etc and then your child will just be trying to figure those things out when the rest of the class has already been doing it for a week. Just my opinion but that first week of Kinder is so important.

 

[Cynt]

can't believe the importance that most of you are putting on the first couple days of k. - almost like you'd be missing college. Come on people, i've had three go through it in different states and the first few days are nothing to get in a tizzy about. And no, pp, you will not lose your place in a public school because you don't go the first few days. Where did you get that? Under these particular circumstances, this child being with his dad and family would be much more important. If you reread her post, she has said acclimating in the past after his dad's absence has been hard, and she's supposed to ignore his mental anguish to not miss a couple first days of k?? Op, i'd listen to my own instinct and knowledge of my family issues and trust me, it would be a very hard hearted teacher and principal that would not be understanding. And, as i said before, here the children are graduated into the first week of k a few at a time. Do you think the ones going in the last of the week are at a disadvantage? No, they are not - it's a gradual getting settled time. Relax, no worries, enjoy, and thank your dh for me

ditto!!!

 

[tinkerpea]

I agree first few days/weeks most important. Recommend later in school year-late October/early Nov. is a great time to visit the world, both in terms of low crowds and good weather!

Have you read the whole thread & what it's about I don't remember her saying she was visiting the world!? Or worried about when the best time to visit the world would be.it's about wether she should let her child miss his 1st days of school in favour of family time with a deployed DH.

 

[North of Mouse]

Have you read the whole thread & what it's about I don't remember her saying she was visiting the world!? Or worried about when the best time to visit the world would be.it's about wether she should let her child miss his 1st days of school in favour of family time with a deployed DH.

Actually she was talking about booking a cruise

 

[momto2js]

AS a forces parent I think that spending time with daddy is way more important then missing the 1st wk or so of school! I know that my boys are 6,6,9 but on previous deployment's have been as young as twins 2-oldest 5 on my husbands first deployment my son started a new school the day before he went away, we decided to let him go to school so daddy could take him, on my husbands return we had to move( end of our posting) we decided that due to the move and the fact DH had just got home that our son would not start school on time but we would go on holiday, best choice I've ever made we had all missed each other so much that the tension that I thought would happen never did!

So now because I know that we all miss DH terribly when he is away we all but 1 time have taken them away,& out of school for the 1st wk when DH comes home for 2 reasons, (1) we ALL need something to look forward to on DH return including DH, it really helps us to focus and talk about what we will do on the holiday we are going to have & I think having the holiday a wk or after just is not the same! (2) they need to get used to daddy doing things for/with them and this is always easier in a different surrounding then in our home,getting the boys used to daddy putting them to bed telling them what to do instead of me feels alot easier on us all since we are all doing something thats out of out normal day to day routine,

you have to think about the Dad here also,he hasn't been used to being a family for those months he has only had to think about him self so being in a changed enviroment works for all of us.

I think it's different for our family's then others when it comes to the norm for school, our children will always for as long as DH is in the forces have to change schools throughout their childhood, it's something they will have to get used to & so to start now to me doesn't seem a terrible thing! Our boys schools have always been very understanding & accommodating when it comes to holidays taken in school time, and starting at different times............

It is great to hear that other families have simular experiences when a parent returns home after a long trip. This is our first deployment in a decade, my husband is a reservist in the Air National Gaurd. The tough part is that unlike the active duty folks, I don't have the community resources that they appear to We have moved 5 times in 10 years for his civillian job!! We are accustomed to crazyness. I am fully aware that a return date is not set in stone, and will likely not be exact. That is what insurance is for.

When he gets home it takes time for us all to adjust. I have been a single parent for a long time and I forget about communication, he has been a bachlor for a long time and not had to factor in needs of the entire family. He doesn't understand I have not had a MOMENT to myself since he left and I don't understand how exhausting transatlantic travel is. The kids haven't seen daddy in a long time and demand his attention, and in the time he has been gone they have grown and changed and he wasn't here while it was happening so he doesn't know what to expect. These are the reasons a well timed get away is a good idea.

It is not my intention to have my son miss any school but, I need a gauge for how big a deal it is to miss a couple of days because I don't have an offical first day. Historically, the district here returns the second week in August. However, we have the kind of luck that ensures this year school will start earilier because I made plans .

Thank you all for your insight. This is the first time our kids will have a schedule that limits our options. I have some adjusting to do!!

 

[North of Mouse]

It is great to hear that other families have simular experiences when a parent returns home after a long trip. This is our first deployment in a decade, my husband is a reservist in the Air National Gaurd. The tough part is that unlike the active duty folks, I don't have the community resources that they appear to We have moved 5 times in 10 years for his civillian job!! We are accustomed to crazyness. I am fully aware that a return date is not set in stone, and will likely not be exact. That is what insurance is for.

When he gets home it takes time for us all to adjust. I have been a single parent for a long time and I forget about communication, he has been a bachlor for a long time and not had to factor in needs of the entire family. He doesn't understand I have not had a MOMENT to myself since he left and I don't understand how exhausting transatlantic travel is. The kids haven't seen daddy in a long time and demand his attention, and in the time he has been gone they have grown and changed and he wasn't here while it was happening so he doesn't know what to expect. These are the reasons a well timed get away is a good idea.

It is not my intention to have my son miss any school but, I need a gauge for how big a deal it is to miss a couple of days because I don't have an offical first day. Historically, the district here returns the second week in August. However, we have the kind of luck that ensures this year school will start earilier because I made plans .

Thank you all for your insight. This is the first time our kids will have a schedule that limits our options. I have some adjusting to do!!

My heart aches for you and other families in your situation. It would have to be very hard. Take care and enjoy your family and cruise. We appreciate not only your husband's service and sacrifice for our country, but yours and other's families like yours.

 

[cornflake]

It is great to hear that other families have simular experiences when a parent returns home after a long trip. This is our first deployment in a decade, my husband is a reservist in the Air National Gaurd. The tough part is that unlike the active duty folks, I don't have the community resources that they appear to We have moved 5 times in 10 years for his civillian job!! We are accustomed to crazyness. I am fully aware that a return date is not set in stone, and will likely not be exact. That is what insurance is for.

When he gets home it takes time for us all to adjust. I have been a single parent for a long time and I forget about communication, he has been a bachlor for a long time and not had to factor in needs of the entire family. He doesn't understand I have not had a MOMENT to myself since he left and I don't understand how exhausting transatlantic travel is. The kids haven't seen daddy in a long time and demand his attention, and in the time he has been gone they have grown and changed and he wasn't here while it was happening so he doesn't know what to expect. These are the reasons a well timed get away is a good idea.

It is not my intention to have my son miss any school but, I need a gauge for how big a deal it is to miss a couple of days because I don't have an offical first day. Historically, the district here returns the second week in August. However, we have the kind of luck that ensures this year school will start earilier because I made plans .

Thank you all for your insight. This is the first time our kids will have a schedule that limits our options. I have some adjusting to do!!

Remember the adjustment isn't just to him being back in the house.

The adjustment is now going to be to him being back into the ROUTINE - that includes school. I don't see how keeping a kid out of school and then putting him back in having missed the first week or whatever, will be good for adjustment, as his adjustment includes his school life, all during the day, every day, for the next couple decades.

Hence if you take him out of school to adjust to his dad being back, it's kind of false, because that's not his life now, hanging out at home with dad. His life involves a school routine - he should be adjusting to THAT, and how his parents both work into it. Who makes breakfast, who takes him, who says make sure you have your backpack and lunch, that sort of thing. Postponing it is just postponing it, not adjusting to his father being back because his father will presumably be involved in the school routine, if you see what I mean.

 

[Angel Ariel]

I am fully aware that a return date is not set in stone, and will likely not be exact. That is what insurance is for.

I hope you didn't take my question as offensive..it wasn't meant to be. It just wasn't clear from your post.

When he gets home it takes time for us all to adjust. I have been a single parent for a long time and I forget about communication, he has been a bachlor for a long time and not had to factor in needs of the entire family. He doesn't understand I have not had a MOMENT to myself since he left and I don't understand how exhausting transatlantic travel is. The kids haven't seen daddy in a long time and demand his attention, and in the time he has been gone they have grown and changed and he wasn't here while it was happening so he doesn't know what to expect. These are the reasons a well timed get away is a good idea.

Each family is different. The need to adjust (as you discuss here) are the reasons why DH and I have (in the past) planned to have 2-3 weeks with him being home before going on a vacation. We do not have kids yet (we are currently expecting our first), but even with just the two of us it took a bit to get used to each other again after he returned from deployment and it was more beneficial for us to take some time at home before embarking on a trip. We did go to Disney after he got home from his first deployment, but it was 2 weeks after he got home and we were a little more settled.

That said..if your family will adjust better while on vacation, only you and your DH know that. If you're both on board with the timing of the trip (and not just on board with it now, but on board with it as the deployment comes to an end) - then that's the important thing.

As for the school...if nothing else, this thread shows that the importance of those first few weeks is different to different families. Is the sentimental aspect of your son missing his first day of school ever a factor? How will your son handle the transition coming into a class where other kids have already started to get to know each other and form bonds? Or is all of that a non-factor? Obviously it matters a lot for some people here, but that doesn't mean it has to for you and your family.

 

[lovemygoofy]

It is great to hear that other families have simular experiences when a parent returns home after a long trip. This is our first deployment in a decade, my husband is a reservist in the Air National Gaurd. The tough part is that unlike the active duty folks, I don't have the community resources that they appear to We have moved 5 times in 10 years for his civillian job!! We are accustomed to crazyness. I am fully aware that a return date is not set in stone, and will likely not be exact. That is what insurance is for.

When he gets home it takes time for us all to adjust. I have been a single parent for a long time and I forget about communication, he has been a bachlor for a long time and not had to factor in needs of the entire family. He doesn't understand I have not had a MOMENT to myself since he left and I don't understand how exhausting transatlantic travel is. The kids haven't seen daddy in a long time and demand his attention, and in the time he has been gone they have grown and changed and he wasn't here while it was happening so he doesn't know what to expect. These are the reasons a well timed get away is a good idea.

It is not my intention to have my son miss any school but, I need a gauge for how big a deal it is to miss a couple of days because I don't have an offical first day. Historically, the district here returns the second week in August. However, we have the kind of luck that ensures this year school will start earilier because I made plans .

Thank you all for your insight. This is the first time our kids will have a schedule that limits our options. I have some adjusting to do!!

I am a deployment counselor and an active duty wife. There are resources for you. I'm not sure of your location but even if it isn't near a military post(any military post) there are things for you online.

I don't tend to give my opinion about kids because I don't have children and only you know your child. However, you have said over and over that you have reintegration issues and your son NEEDS a routine.

Now think about the build up to when your son starts school. You are going to be school shopping and giving him a pep talk and prepping him for school in addition to dad coming home.

In my opinion, you need to introduce these changes slowly and I would start with school first because that is the biggest change. From what I'm reading he needs to know the routine of school and meeting people and the class rules and not behind the students who have already learned that. He will already be having issues with readjustment and at least school will be a stability for him.

Let him get to know his dad again slowly. Have dad come for lunch or take him to school alone. Let them have just time together.

Now part of surviving time apart is the attitude you have. Yes you are going to be parenting alone but you are not a single parent nor is your husband a bachelor. YOU ARE ALL A FAMILY!! Don't ever think otherwise because that is part of the problem when it's time to change your thinking.

You may not have constant communication but you can have good communication. There is email and letters and mail some goody boxes. Take a picture of your husband and tape it to the back of your drivers seat so "daddy can go everywhere with you."

The DOD just launched a new website for military children called militarykidsconnect.org. The nickname is Kids Deploy too! It has great age appropriate activites for children and to work with parents going through
deployment.

Another website is MilitaryOneSource.mil. This website has great resources that you can order and ship to your house. The elmo video talking about his daddy being away is very honest and starts a nice conversation. They have books and cds and suggestions on ways to help keep your family connected.

It takes BOTH sides of the parents to make a depoloyment successful for a family.

My husband is leaving this summer for his 5th year long deployment. I do know the struggles and heartache and know that you can get through.If I can be of help please let me know. I have tons of suggestions to help both you and your husband stay connected as well as your entire family.

 

[North of Mouse]

Remember the adjustment isn't just to him being back in the house.

The adjustment is now going to be to him being back into the ROUTINE - that includes school. I don't see how keeping a kid out of school and then putting him back in having missed the first week or whatever, will be good for adjustment, as his adjustment includes his school life, all during the day, every day, for the next couple decades.

Hence if you take him out of school to adjust to his dad being back, it's kind of false, because that's not his life now, hanging out at home with dad. His life involves a school routine - he should be adjusting to THAT, and how his parents both work into it. Who makes breakfast, who takes him, who says make sure you have your backpack and lunch, that sort of thing. Postponing it is just postponing it, not adjusting to his father being back because his father will presumably be involved in the school routine, if you see what I mean.

Have you ever been in the OP's shoes?

 

[North of Mouse]

I am a deployment counselor and an active duty wife. There are resources for you. I'm not sure of your location but even if it isn't near a military post(any military post) there are things for you online.

I don't tend to give my opinion about kids because I don't have children and only you know your child. However, you have said over and over that you have reintegration issues and your son NEEDS a routine.

Now think about the build up to when your son starts school. You are going to be school shopping and giving him a pep talk and prepping him for school in addition to dad coming home.

In my opinion, you need to introduce these changes slowly and I would start with school first because that is the biggest change. From what I'm reading he needs to know the routine of school and meeting people and the class rules and not behind the students who have already learned that. He will already be having issues with readjustment and at least school will be a stability for him.

Let him get to know his dad again slowly. Have dad come for lunch or take him to school alone. Let them have just time together.

Now part of surviving time apart is the attitude you have. Yes you are going to be parenting alone but you are not a single parent nor is your husband a bachelor. YOU ARE ALL A FAMILY!! Don't ever think otherwise because that is part of the problem when it's time to change your thinking.

You may not have constant communication but you can have good communication. There is email and letters and mail some goody boxes. Take a picture of your husband and tape it to the back of your drivers seat so "daddy can go everywhere with you."

The DOD just launched a new website for military children called militarykidsconnect.org. The nickname is Kids Deploy too! It has great age appropriate activites for children and to work with parents going through
deployment.

Another website is MilitaryOneSource.mil. This website has great resources that you can order and ship to your house. The elmo video talking about his daddy being away is very honest and starts a nice conversation. They have books and cds and suggestions on ways to help keep your family connected.

It takes BOTH sides of the parents to make a depoloyment successful for a family.

My husband is leaving this summer for his 5th year long deployment. I do know the struggles and heartache and know that you can get through.If I can be of help please let me know. I have tons of suggestions to help both you and your husband stay connected as well as your entire family.

You don't tend to give advice about kids because you don't have any and then begin to do just that Well, I have three that's been through that age and above, understand the first few days of K. very well, helped the teachers and I say leave the OP to what she feels is best for her family. Her son will not suffer the loss, I've seen it first hand whereas she feels like he will feel the loss if they don't get away and reconnect without the daily home life struggles for the first week. I haven't been in her shoes, but ONLY she knows what's best from past experience for her son and family. Enjoy OP

 

[J'aime Paris]

OP, I'm an aide at an elementary school and have spent several years at the Kindergarten level. This is my opinion from what I've witnessed...

Your district may already know the start date. That's a good starting point.

Children have missed the first few days of K for a variety of reasons. It did not negatively impact the child. The teacher at my school pairs the child with a buddy or two. The buddies help the new child assimilate to the routine. (Kids pick up the routine extremely fast, don't worry)
When we've had students start the year a couple days late, the staff pitches in to help the new child's adjustment go smoothly.

Best of luck, whatever happens! I appreciate the sacrifices your husband and your whole family makes!