Cat owners: How long should I give?

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I adopted a second cat from a shelter 2 weeks ago and its not going all that great.

He's a great cat but timid and I can tell he'd really just like to be buddies with my resident cat but unfortunately she has been terrified of him since I brought him home.

His area is currently the first floor bathroom and my resident cat doesn't want to go anywhere near it.
She's scared to even come up and down from the basement which is where her litter box is.

I had thought with time it would be getting better but its only getting worse.

He finally saw her the other day and quietly meowed at her from the bathroom.
She ran.
Then yesterday he came out when he saw her walking through the kitchen and she ran and he did not chase her but followed to my bedroom so she then ran back down and I had to open the basement for her and shut it prior to him knowing where she went.

Tonight the same thing happened but she hissed at hom and he ran more because he was scared I'd pick him up or something.

I just follow behind them because I need to know how they are acting towards each other.

My resident cat has started acting out since he has come.
She is sleeping in weird places and is jumpy all the time.

I have 3 pheromone defusers and a spray.
I've tried swapping washcloths with their scents on it but they both seem pretty meh about it.
I've tried to have them eat on either side of the closed bathroom door but neither will go near it.

I feel as though I'm doing everything I can to make this a good transition but they just aren't having it.

I'm wondering how long I should be giving them realistically to determine if this is a good fit or not?

Also is there something that I am not doing that you think might help?

The shelter has zero problem accepting cats back.
This cat had been there for a year and he definitely seems to need cat interaction to thrive and my resident cat who I've had since a kitten seems too scared to interact with him.

Its honestly becoming exhausting for me because all day long I'm now trying to comfort each of them and make them both feel loved.

 

[NeedMoreMickey]

Sorry to hear it’s not working out. Some cats just need to be the only cat in the house. We tried many years ago because our 5 year old was trying to play with the dog who was afraid of her. Got a kitten and our poor Gypsy ended up with multiple trips to the vet because she stopped eating and drinking. Vet said she basically was having a nervous breakdown. We gave the kitten to a family friend after two months of trying. Gypsy lived happily as only cat until she was 18 1/2.

 

[low-key]

Give it as long as it takes to make a happy coexistence (they will work it out on there own time line)

 

[LSUmiss]

Give it as long as it takes to make a happy coexistence (they will work it out on there own time line)

I agree. Some cats take a long time like mos to a yr.

 

[PrincessBelle39]

Two weeks is not very long. We foster (I currently have 15) and it generally takes me more time than that.

I've got a great article, tips included, that I can send you if you want to give me your email address.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

Two weeks is not very long. We foster (I currently have 15) and it generally takes me more time than that.

I've got a great article, tips included, that I can send you if you want to give me your email address.

Thanks. Could you just pm me on Here?
I'm just trying to figure out what is a reasonable amount of adjustment time to know if if it can work. It's hard when the resident cat is terrified and the new cat wants to be around other cats to be comfortable.

 

[PrincessBelle39]

I hadn't thought of that. Will it let me attach a PDF document? I'll give it a go.

 

[PrincessBelle39]

I don't see anywhere I can attach the document. Can anyone point me in the right directions?

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I messaged you my email to make it easier

 

[sonnyjane]

Thanks. Could you just pm me on Here?
I'm just trying to figure out what is a reasonable amount of adjustment time to know if if it can work. It's hard when the resident cat is terrified and the new cat wants to be around other cats to be comfortable.

It may never “work” in that they may never like each other. They will almost certainly, however, learn to co-exist. Do you have any way to let them see each other without having access to each other, like a large crate or something? Sometimes smelling another animal without being able to see it can lead to more anxiety. If you can have more “supervised visits” where they are in the same area but can’t kill each other, I think that’s probably the route I would go. In this case, if it’s your female that’s afraid, she should be the one with the most access to approach him, not her inside being cornered if that makes sense.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

It may never “work” in that they may never like each other. They will almost certainly, however, learn to co-exist. Do you have any way to let them see each other without having access to each other, like a large crate or something? Sometimes smelling another animal without being able to see it can lead to more anxiety. If you can have more “supervised visits” where they are in the same area but can’t kill each other, I think that’s probably the route I would go. In this case, if it’s your female that’s afraid, she should be the one with the most access to approach him, not her inside being cornered if that makes sense.

No crate.
He already seems to.like her so I would feel horrible if they just co exist.
She won't go anywhere within like 12 feet of him and he hides behind the toilet unless I am petting him.
The shelter also insisted I change the resident cats food to the new cats food and I've been trying that little by little but the resident cat isn't taking well to it and she is not eating as much and puked a couple times. I think this is all very overwhelming for her

 

[sonnyjane]

No crate.
He already seems to.like her so I would feel horrible if they just co exist.
She won't go anywhere within like 12 feet of him and he hides behind the toilet unless I am petting him.
The shelter also insisted I change the resident cats food to the new cats food and I've been trying that little by little but the resident cat isn't taking well to it and she is not eating as much and puked a couple times. I think this is all very overwhelming for her

Well then it’s time for my tough love shpeal. You either make it work, or you get rid of the new cat, which as the owner of a cat that was relinquished twice before I can say is a real bummer for that animal, but if you’re not able to put in the work necessary to achieve a peaceful coexistence, or if that peaceful coexistence isn’t enough for you and you’re hoping for a magical best buds scenario, then that might be the best option.

There are a lot of things you can do to keep him entertained and not hiding behind the toilet. There are things you can do to get her more used to the new roommate. But you will have to do real training with treats and positive reinforcement and small approximations and again, you may not get the results you hoped for, but you can get them living together.

I still strongly, strongly support supervised interactions when you are home where they are both free to roam and you can intervene if necessary. It sounds like you’ve done all the steps leading up to that with scent, swapping belongings, etc. The next step is just getting them to the acceptance stage.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

Well then it’s time for my tough love shpeal. You either make it work, or you get rid of the new cat, which as the owner of a cat that was relinquished twice before I can say is a real bummer for that animal, but if you’re not able to put in the work necessary to achieve a peaceful coexistence, or if that peaceful coexistence isn’t enough for you and you’re hoping for a magical best buds scenario, then that might be the best option.

There are a lot of things you can do to keep him entertained and not hiding behind the toilet. There are things you can do to get her more used to the new roommate. But you will have to do real training with treats and positive reinforcement and small approximations and again, you may not get the results you hoped for, but you can get them living together.

I still strongly, strongly support supervised interactions when you are home where they are both free to roam and you can intervene if necessary. It sounds like you’ve done all the steps leading up to that with scent, swapping belongings, etc. The next step is just getting them to the acceptance stage.

I'm home nearly all day everyday. I'm letting him roam but not to the basement because I'd never find him and that is a safe place for the resident cat. I'm all for supervis3d interaction but I'm not about to force them into a room together and currently that would be the only way of having an actual interaction as my resident cat is scared to approach.
I'm willing to put in an effort here. I mean come on I've been with one or the other from 8am to 1am for the past 14 days.
If you have suggestions on how to help them interact I'm here.

ETA: I realize I sound defensive and I guess I am.
I feel like you picked out something that I said and decided that I'm "not trying".
So just want to be clear that I came for advice about what a realistic time fram is and what I can do to help it along.
I also want to express that this cat was perfectly happy at the shelter as a free roaming cat that loves other cats. His current situation is making me feel bad that I took him from what he considered his home.
I really want this to work out for him but I also have to consider the resident cat's well being as well.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm home nearly all day everyday. I'm letting him roam but not to the basement because I'd never find him and that is a safe place for the resident cat. I'm all for supervis3d interaction but I'm not about to force them into a room together and currently that would be the only way of having an actual interaction as my resident cat is scared to approach.
I'm willing to put in an effort here. I mean come on I've been with one or the other from 8am to 1am for the past 14 days.
If you have suggestions on how to help them interact I'm here.

Not saying lock them in a room, but can you have them both upstairs? So they both have free access to the multiple rooms upstairs? If “resident” cat wants to hide under a bed, she can, and if your new cat is trying to harass her, then you can call him away with some cat toys or sit on the couch with you getting love, etc. Every now and then you can pop in and give your resident kitty a treat to say “hey, I’m thinking of you.” If resident kitty happens to come in the same room as you and the new kitty, then you reward the crap out of her. And make sure to show love to both. Don’t dote only on the new cat. Then after a while you can put resident cat where she likes to stay (the basement?) and don’t give the new cat access and give her some one-on-one time. Gradually extend the length of their together time, feed them at the same time but in separate corners or even rooms at first, etc. Do you kind of see where I’m going with this? Eventually they’ll cohabit just fine. If the girl doesn’t want to play, the boy will learn that. And the girl will learn not to be afraid to be in the same room as the boy.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

Not saying lock them in a room, but can you have them both upstairs? So they both have free access to the multiple rooms upstairs? If “resident” cat wants to hide under a bed, she can, and if your new cat is trying to harass her, then you can call him away with some cat toys or sit on the couch with you getting love, etc. Every now and then you can pop in and give your resident kitty a treat to say “hey, I’m thinking of you.” If resident kitty happens to come in the same room as you and the new kitty, then you reward the crap out of her. And make sure to show love to both. Don’t dote only on the new cat. Then after a while you can put resident cat where she likes to stay (the basement?) and don’t give the new cat access and give her some one-on-one time. Gradually extend the length of their together time, feed them at the same time but in separate corners or even rooms at first, etc. Do you kind of see where I’m going with this? Eventually they’ll cohabit just fine. If the girl doesn’t want to play, the boy will learn that. And the girl will learn not to be afraid to be in the same room as the boy.

Thanks for the reply.
I was editing my pp as you typed this so you may want to take a look at that.
The new cat is very timid and he only wants to leave the bathroom to look for the resident cat otherwise he hides or runs back to the bathroom so its very difficult to get him and her in the same area.
I've tried giving treats his just far enough so his head peeks out from the toilet and her in a completely different troom but with sightlines to him and she is just too scared to look down to get the treats.
I then end up giving her treats in the basement and even with the door closed she's still jumpy about it.
Another thing is he's a big boy and she's fairly small in comparison so I think the size difference it playing a big role here and even though he's very nice and very calm she's worried.
I've had him for 2 weeks and not once has he even attempted to bite or scratch anyone in the house.
He's also rather heavy and is very scared if he thinks you may try to pick him up so it really has to be on his terms.
I'm not just going to "give up" but I just feel like I'm doing everything the way the articles describe but my outcome is completely different.

 

[sonnyjane]

Thanks for the reply.
I was editing my pp as you typed this so you may want to take a look at that.
The new cat is very timid and he only wants to leave the bathroom to look for the resident cat otherwise he hides or runs back to the bathroom so its very difficult to get him and her in the same area.
I've tried giving treats his just far enough so his head peeks out from the toilet and her in a completely different troom but with sightlines to him and she is just too scared to look down to get the treats.
I then end up giving her treats in the basement and even with the door closed she's still jumpy about it.
Another thing is he's a big boy and she's fairly small in comparison so I think the size difference it playing a big role here and even though he's very nice and very calm she's worried.
I've had him for 2 weeks and not once has he even attempted to bite or scratch anyone in the house.
He's also rather heavy and is very scared if he thinks you may try to pick him up so it really has to be on his terms.
I'm not just going to "give up" but I just feel like I'm doing everything the way the articles describe but my outcome is completely different.

I apologize if I’m coming off as rude. This is a subject I’m passionate about as I have a background as a professional animal trainer, and one of the biggest obstacles is that sometimes people let their expectations run away from them. I don’t know the reasons that you brought the new cat into your home, but often times people bring animals into their homes because they want their current animal to have a companion and the truth is that’s not a good strategy. Not all animals are compatible and intros can be tricky, especially the older the animals are or the longer they’ve been alone.

I also am not saying you’re not trying. As I mentioned, you’ve clearly done a lot. You’re just at the “next step”. It’s like that baby bird that’s finally ready to fly. That first flight is a doozy but they’ve got to just jump out of the nest. My frustration came with you saying that you weren’t satisfied with them just existing together, that you wanted them to be playmates. Just like you can’t force two humans to be friends, you can’t force two animals to be, but you can get them to a point where they live just fine together and maybe, if they are compatible, they will be friends, but you have to either be ok with that not happening, or give the new cat back. It’s very hard to address behavioral issues over a message board, but again I’ll just say yes, it will be uncomfortable. But sounds like if it’s hard for you to get the two in the same room because they’re avoiding each other, then you’re actually in a good place. The dangerous times are when they’re trying to kill each other. If you let them both have free reign and are there to intervene if something goes south, they’ll eventually both get comfortable with the new arrangement.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I apologize if I’m coming off as rude. This is a subject I’m passionate about as I have a background as a professional animal trainer, and one of the biggest obstacles is that sometimes people let their expectations run away from them. I don’t know the reasons that you brought the new cat into your home, but often times people bring animals into their homes because they want their current animal to have a companion and the truth is that’s not a good strategy. Not all animals are compatible and intros can be tricky, especially the older the animals are or the longer they’ve been alone.

I also am not saying you’re not trying. As I mentioned, you’ve clearly done a lot. You’re just at the “next step”. It’s like that baby bird that’s finally ready to fly. That first flight is a doozy but they’ve got to just jump out of the nest. My frustration came with you saying that you weren’t satisfied with them just existing together, that you wanted them to be playmates. Just like you can’t force two humans to be friends, you can’t force two animals to be, but you can get them to a point where they live just fine together and maybe, if they are compatible, they will be friends, but you have to either be ok with that not happening, or give the new cat back. It’s very hard to address behavioral issues over a message board, but again I’ll just say yes, it will be uncomfortable. But sounds like if it’s hard for you to get the two in the same room because they’re avoiding each other, then you’re actually in a good place. The dangerous times are when they’re trying to kill each other. If you let them both have free reign and are there to intervene if something goes south, they’ll eventually both get comfortable with the new arrangement.

In fact it was to give the resident cat a friend. Everyone I know that has multiple cats thought it was a good idea. Clearly I'm finding out it may not have been lol.
My concern is both cats happiness and . I'm worried that the new cat especially may not have the best life if they simply co exist since he wants to interact with other cats. I'm not as worried about the resident cat if co existing is the only way.
I just feel bad that it may make them both have less happy lives.
Some people think.meh they will get over it but I'm the one that says... but what if they don't?

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I will keep trying though.

 

[cobright]

Without seeing it for myself, what you're describing sounds perfectly normal cat behavior. The newcomer seems polite and interested in reaching out. Your existing kitty sounds aloof and possessive. When you bring a new cat into the family you have to expect them to scream it out for a solid day or three. It sounds awful but a terrified cat is a silent cat. If she's screaming at him then it's a normal way to posture for the pecking order. As long as they are not physical beyond that ''bap" thing they will do to the top of the other's head, you should do more to encourage them to spend more time together.

Just try this for a week... Get 2 brand new litter boxes and set them up side by side somewhere upstairs in some neutral space. Then close off the basement. Leave other rooms open to begin but over the week close them one at a time (with cat outside the room) to shrink the space they have apart from each other.

Cats instinctively form a pack. Even feral cats will do this. Your #1 kitty will come around d as soon as she understands the new guy is there to stay and not just an interloper.

I would also suggest trimming everyone es claws during this process, just to be safe.

 

[luvavacation]

This is so hard. You want to give the new cat a home, but your heart is more attached to your first cat, so it hurts to see your first cat stressed by the new addition. This is a familiar experience in my home. Everyone in my family has always had their own cat that had to learn to be a part of the family pack, and we have also had dogs. The mix isn't always sunshine and roses, and for some, it never will be. Coexistence may just have to be the goal, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

One example - my eldest has a cat that is now 13. We adopted her as 3 month old kitten. That cat has seen my daughter through high school, college, and, went with her when she married. This cat adores my daughter, tolerated me when my daughter was at college because I fed her and tried to give her attention when she wanted it, but this cat still, after 5 years, is disdainful of my son-in-law, and never, in all her years in my home, warmed up to my husband, other family members, or any of the other animals. Cat #1 is just a one person cat in a single pet household. Or so she imagines.

4 years ago, my brother died and he had two cats, 3 and 7, that were bonded together. I already had 3 cats and two dogs. My town only allowed 4 animals per household. As much as I wanted to take in my brother's cats, I was worried about that being the red flag for animal control. My daughter, newly married, offered to take her uncle's cats.

Cat #1 was not pleased. Cats #2 and 3 are very friendly, sweet, adorable cats. They will make a cat hater love cats!

Cat #1, the stereotypical aloof cat, had a very rough go of it when these cats arrived in my daughter's home. But, my daughter persisted, didn't give up, told her husband he was not allowed to ignore Cat #1 just because the new cats were so much friendlier, and eventually, a détente was achieved.

Cat #1 still adores only my daughter. When Cat #1 gets on the bed, the other cats have to give her a perimeter so she can decide where she will be sleeping. They are not allowed near her or she will swat them off the bed. She uses her own litter box and will not allow the other cats in her litter box, but she will use their litter box. She eats first, drinks first, and on and on. Cat #1 will always want to be the only furry being in my daughter's home, and she will always remain the Queen of Cats in her head, but she has adjusted to the best of her abilities. There will never be total harmony in my daughter's home as long as her first cat lives, but they have made it work. From the extreme desire you seem to have to give this new cat a home, I am sure you will be able to do the same. Good luck.