Dealing with a Difficult Child

[happily single]

Looking for some advice on how to deal with a difficult adult child. I just typed up a whole post about how she was difficult this weekend, but erased it.

She is defensive, snippy, doesn't do her chores and isn't nice to people around her, especially her young siblings. She feels as though "everyone is out to get her". As an example, a few weeks ago she went outside to a community area to hang her hammock and read a book. There was a family already outside playing, as they do everyday. She insisted they were being loud and setting off the car alarm (brand new car they just purchased) in an effort to harass her. She also thinks her peditrican hates her because the pedi told her the importance of going to college. sigh.

She doesn't do her one and only chore in the house and when reminded to do it she does a terrible job (cleaning the kitchen counters, loading the dishwasher).

Over the years we have tried counseling a few times to help her deal with depression/anxiety. She has what I would call "occassional anxiety" as maybe 1-2 times a year she goes through a 2-3 week period of feeling anxious, unable to sleep and basically sad. She is currently seeing her pedi and taking meds for this. She refuses to go to any type of counseling again.

We had "Family Fun Day" yesterday and she really just ruined it. She was miserable, snippy and bossy the entire time. I did tell her to "cut it out" and we actually only did 1/2 of what we planned to do due to her attitude.

I have already decided she is not invited on our next trip and I am really looking for advice on how to deal with her. I will add I did not tolerate her behavior and do call her out when its really obxious.

What suggestions do you have?

 

[usnuzuloose]

Looking for some advice on how to deal with a difficult adult child. I just typed up a whole post about how she was difficult this weekend, but erased it.

She is defensive, snippy, doesn't do her chores and isn't nice to people around her, especially her young siblings. She feels as though "everyone is out to get her". As an example, a few weeks ago she went outside to a community area to hang her hammock and read a book. There was a family already outside playing, as they do everyday. She insisted they were being loud and setting off the car alarm (brand new car they just purchased) in an effort to harass her. She also thinks her peditrican hates her because the pedi told her the importance of going to college. sigh.

She doesn't do her one and only chore in the house and when reminded to do it she does a terrible job (cleaning the kitchen counters, loading the dishwasher).

Over the years we have tried counseling a few times to help her deal with depression/anxiety. She has what I would call "occassional anxiety" as maybe 1-2 times a year she goes through a 2-3 week period of feeling anxious, unable to sleep and basically sad. She is currently seeing her pedi and taking meds for this. She refuses to go to any type of counseling again.

We had "Family Fun Day" yesterday and she really just ruined it. She was miserable, snippy and bossy the entire time. I did tell her to "cut it out" and we actually only did 1/2 of what we planned to do due to her attitude.

I have already decided she is not invited on our next trip and I am really looking for advice on how to deal with her. I will add I did not tolerate her behavior and do call her out when its really obxious.

What suggestions do you have?

Do you have consequences for her actions? You need to follow through with them, and if you are coming back with remarks she is looking to for you to fuel the fire and get reactions from you. Follow through with consequence and and don't feed the drama. If you do what you say she will see that you mean. It will take time but it will work. I hope your husband backs you as well. She needs to see you working together and not working against each of you.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Why would an adult child be seeing a pediatrician? And adult living at home should be doing many more chores than cleaning the counter tops. When she is in a good mood do you talk to her about her attitude? Is she developmentally delayed? Sounds more like teenage angst than adult behaviour to me.

 

[loopymommy]

Looking for some advice on how to deal with a difficult adult child. I just typed up a whole post about how she was difficult this weekend, but erased it.

She is defensive, snippy, doesn't do her chores and isn't nice to people around her, especially her young siblings. She feels as though "everyone is out to get her". As an example, a few weeks ago she went outside to a community area to hang her hammock and read a book. There was a family already outside playing, as they do everyday. She insisted they were being loud and setting off the car alarm (brand new car they just purchased) in an effort to harass her. She also thinks her peditrican hates her because the pedi told her the importance of going to college. sigh.

She doesn't do her one and only chore in the house and when reminded to do it she does a terrible job (cleaning the kitchen counters, loading the dishwasher).

Over the years we have tried counseling a few times to help her deal with depression/anxiety. She has what I would call "occassional anxiety" as maybe 1-2 times a year she goes through a 2-3 week period of feeling anxious, unable to sleep and basically sad. She is currently seeing her pedi and taking meds for this. She refuses to go to any type of counseling again.

We had "Family Fun Day" yesterday and she really just ruined it. She was miserable, snippy and bossy the entire time. I did tell her to "cut it out" and we actually only did 1/2 of what we planned to do due to her attitude.

I have already decided she is not invited on our next trip and I am really looking for advice on how to deal with her. I will add I did not tolerate her behavior and do call her out when its really obxious.

What suggestions do you have?

I'm sorry for the stress this situation is giving you.

If she is an adult, why is she still seeing a pediatrician? Is he prescribing psychotropic medications (Zoloft, Xanax, etc.) for her?

The type of issues she's experiencing may be physiological in nature. Have her hormone levels ever been checked? I'm wondering if what you are referring to as "occasional anxiety" could be Seasonal Affective Disorder.

She really needs to see someone who has experience in treating depression and anxiety rather than continuing to go to her pediatrician. You may need to do some research on the physicians in your area and those covered by your insurance plan to find someone who will really get to the bottom of this.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

 

[amberpi]

I'm just going to throw some thoughts at the wall...That sounds like a rough situation all around and I wish you, your daughter and the rest of the family the very best that things will start to get better soon.

Excluding your daughter from a vacation seems like it could make the issue worse? Since you mentioned she's already in the "everybody is out to get me" mindset. Could you force her/ya'll into therapy? It sounds like there's something far more serious than just being "difficult." Maybe she'd be more open to family therapy and you could help her get the type of assistance she needs? Therapy has helped me get over some pretty terrible things and I can't recommend it enough.

Again - I hope things improve very soon.

 

[wenrob]

What do you mean by "adult child?" How old? Actually grown or nearly grown? Still a dependent or?

I have a 21 year old at home that basically lives her own life. She needs to respect my home, her siblings, myself and her dad. She's expected to clean up after herself (sometimes I need to remind her) and contribute to the household though I don't give her chores. She runs on a different schedule than the rest of us 90% of the time so does her own laundry etc. If she wasn't on board with any of that she would be welcome to find her own home where she could make her own rules.

 

[happily single]

What do you mean by "adult child?" How old? Actually grown or nearly grown? Still a dependent or?

I have a 21 year old at home that basically lives her own life. She needs to respect my home, her siblings, myself and her dad. She's expected to clean up after herself (sometimes I need to remind her) and contribute to the household though I don't give her chores. She runs on a different schedule than the rest of us 90% of the time so does her own laundry etc. If she wasn't on board with any of that she would be welcome to find her own home where she could make her own rules.

She is 20 years old. She is leaving for college in 2 weeks, but I'm ready to tell her she is not welcomed back until her attitude changes

 

[Realfoodfans]

She is 20 years old. She is leaving for college in 2 weeks, but I'm ready to tell her she is not welcomed back until her attitude changes

I'm certainly no expert in psychology but it does sound as though she has anxiety issues (beyond those of any other young adult). Possibly going away to college is enforcing those feelings. My daughter looks back at that time in her life and says she was terrible - but I didn't see it like that - I knew she was anxious and consequently became quite unwell but we worked through it together with professional support. I think that is an avenue you need to push forward for her. Don't give up she needs you.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Anxiety can manifest in many ways, not only worrying and things like that.

It can also come out as anger and irritability.

I would have her see an actual mental health professional(more than a few times, it can take a while for a proper diagnosis and those can change through time too). The meds from the pediatrician are a good bandaid but she probably needs something more long term.

Good luck to your family OP!

 

[usnuzuloose]

I guess the advice I give won't work , no age was mentioned. Sorry. She needs to be out on her own then. But the one thing is don't enable her to keep doing this.

 

[happily single]

I'm just going to throw some thoughts at the wall...That sounds like a rough situation all around and I wish you, your daughter and the rest of the family the very best that things will start to get better soon.

Excluding your daughter from a vacation seems like it could make the issue worse? Since you mentioned she's already in the "everybody is out to get me" mindset. Could you force her/ya'll into therapy? It sounds like there's something far more serious than just being "difficult." Maybe she'd be more open to family therapy and you could help her get the type of assistance she needs? Therapy has helped me get over some pretty terrible things and I can't recommend it enough.

Again - I hope things improve very soon.

Thanks for the advice. It reminded me of an example I didn't list.

In January we went away for her brothers' 18th birthday. Her brother was intellectual delays and is on the Autism Spectrum. She drove and met us since it was close to her school. She arrived in a foul mood. She began picking on her brother, and said something to him that set him off. She was just being mean and snippy to everyone. Whatever she said (I cant recall now) was not necessary, she accused him of looking at her funny or something real immature, but then went on a triade making him anxious and upset.

We had rented two rooms. One for the kids (2 beds) and a room for me and my boyfriend. She was insisting she needed to stay with us for no reason other than to be difficult. I did not let her stay with us. The entire evening she had a puss on her face and was mean. It really ruined the trip. Finally in the morning I told her to leave and she was not welcome to join us snow tubing unless you changed her attitude. I told her to go take 20 minutes and decide. Instead she packed up and left without a good-bye.

 

[amberpi]

Thanks for the advice. It reminded me of an example I didn't list.

In January we went away for her brothers' 18th birthday. Her brother was intellectual delays and is on the Autism Spectrum. She drove and met us since it was close to her school. She arrived in a foul mood. She began picking on her brother, and said something to him that set him off. She was just being mean and snippy to everyone. Whatever she said (I cant recall now) was not necessary, she accused him of looking at her funny or something real immature, but then went on a triade making him anxious and upset.

We had rented two rooms. One for the kids (2 beds) and a room for me and my boyfriend. She was insisting she needed to stay with us for no reason other than to be difficult. I did not let her stay with us. The entire evening she had a puss on her face and was mean. It really ruined the trip. Finally in the morning I told her to leave and she was not welcome to join us snow tubing unless you changed her attitude. I told her to go take 20 minutes and decide. Instead she packed up and left without a good-bye.

Lord! Is she like this with her peers/in general that you know of? Poor things sounds like she's in a miserable place and taking the rest of you down with her. I hope she decides to get some help. I'll keep ya'll in my thoughts.

 

[pweyl36]

She sounds like my daughter,have her see a GYN sometimes some woman get
really bad PMS look it up if she has the smytoms she might need to be on BC pils.

 

[Klayfish]

Sorry to hear about it. My kids are still too young to be at this stage. However, I'll give you a very brief synopsis of me when I was that age, because I was very much like what you describe your daughter to be.

I was not a pleasant young adult. Rebellious, angry, snippy, you name it. I frankly didn't care at all what my parents said or did. They could have walked on water and I would have yawned. I also thought (and still think) therapists were frauds, so that idea was a waste. At the end of the day, my parents basically kicked me out when I was younger than your daughter. I had to find my own way. It was quite an eye opening experience and I learned to grow up fast. It made me face myself and learn how to be an adult. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm not saying that you need to kick her out. But at the same time, at her age, she needs to start facing real life. Real life actions have real life consequences, and at some point she's got to learn that.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I would be sure to find some quality time to spend with the younger siblings without her. Maybe even one on one time. I would worry what kind of toll this is taking on them. HOME is suppose to be everyone's safe spot. A place you can be relaxed and be yourself. Are the younger siblings having to walk on egg shells at home not knowing about her mood?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice in dealing with your daughter. FWIW, my college daughter saw her "pediatrician"
Until she went to college. He was a pediatrician and adolescent dr.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have two around the same age. Basically continued support (however you define that, every family will be different) from you is dependent on her cooperation. That can most certainly include counseling services and civil behavior. If she doesn't like this arrangement, then she is out. She should not be allowed to disrupt your household like that. Ongoing support is a privilege.

ETA - Sorry, technical difficulties... to finish...

As others have said, I do think that the anxiety related to her starting college in a couple of weeks could be negatively affecting her behavior. Anxiety can manifest in strange ways. (And anxiety and depression often go hand in hand.) And I also think that hormones can play a part as well, although my guess would be more the anxiety/dep at this point. Hopefully when she gets settled in school this will improve, but ongoing services will help. Good luck with this!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

You said she is leaving for college in two weeks. Does she WANT to go to college? Is she going to go to class? This was a red flag for me. You might want to consider laying down some rules if you haven't especially if you are paying for it. You expect her to attend classes and pass classes or else you aren't paying for additional semesters. If there is a chance her attitude will get her kicked out of the dorm, you might discuss that in advance.

 

[gillep]

Anxiety can manifest in many ways, not only worrying and things like that.

It can also come out as anger and irritability.

I would have her see an actual mental health professional(more than a few times, it can take a while for a proper diagnosis and those can change through time too). The meds from the pediatrician are a good bandaid but she probably needs something more long term.

Good luck to your family OP!

This is great advice, I would also add that sometimes it can take a while to find a mental health professional that you really 'click with', which can also take time, and can be a bit frustrating, but is really worth it if she can find someone to work with that she is comfortable with.

 

[dreamer17555]

I have a daughter who suffers from anxiety and functional depression (meaning she looks from the outside world like she is an overachiever but inside her mind its a very different story). When she gets anxious or depressed it does sometime present as sullenness or snarking. She is working hard with her therapist and I also do family sessions with her. Sometimes she needs a very gentle reminder like "I know you are overwhelmed (upset, frustrated, disappointed, etc) and I am always here for you but I need you to not speak to me in that manner."

You cannot expect a someone with depression or anxiety (and while I am not a doctor the fact she is on meds leads me to believe that one or both of these might be an issue) to put on a happy face or just push through it. She can't. You wouldn't ask someone with a broken foot to run up and downstair would you? Pulling away and giving ultimatums is not what she needs. Limits are fine but they need to come with a lot of reminders that she means so much to you, that you love her dearly, and that no matter what you aren't letting her go. As I tell my daughter, "I love you too much to let you give up on yourself."

She needs to be seeing a specialist to handle her meds- not a pediatrician. I speak from experience. Our ped tried half a dozen meds for my DD which would work for awhile before she would spiral back down. I begged them to try a certain med but was told no. Her specialist looked at her list of meds and said why hasn't she even been on X (the med I had wanted them to try). It has been a miracle for her. She still gets bad days (don't we all?) but it has vastly improved her quality of life.

I also have an autistic son. While in general my daughter is a God send to him never underestimate how hard it is to be a sibling of a special needs child. Until my daughter started therapy I never appreciated the added pressure it puts on her.

None of this is easy and I understand it can be beyond frustrating but I urge you to not draw a line in the sand with her. Too many young people make terrible and sometimes permanent choices when backed into a corner. Hugs.

ETA: Since she is leaving for college I would be even more concerned and would work harder on establishing a bond where she can feel she can call you for anything. The dishes and kitchen are important but trust me her peers while teach her that lesson while away (my DD attends a residency high school which is very similar to a college). It's more important she knows that you are a safe port in a storm.

 

[wenrob]

Thanks for the advice. It reminded me of an example I didn't list.

In January we went away for her brothers' 18th birthday. Her brother was intellectual delays and is on the Autism Spectrum. She drove and met us since it was close to her school. She arrived in a foul mood. She began picking on her brother, and said something to him that set him off. She was just being mean and snippy to everyone. Whatever she said (I cant recall now) was not necessary, she accused him of looking at her funny or something real immature, but then went on a triade making him anxious and upset.

We had rented two rooms. One for the kids (2 beds) and a room for me and my boyfriend. She was insisting she needed to stay with us for no reason other than to be difficult. I did not let her stay with us. The entire evening she had a puss on her face and was mean. It really ruined the trip. Finally in the morning I told her to leave and she was not welcome to join us snow tubing unless you changed her attitude. I told her to go take 20 minutes and decide. Instead she packed up and left without a good-bye.

My other kids are much younger (11) but there is just no way I would put up with that. They have to live in my home, she doesn't. Purposely causing unrest in my home is grounds for immediate dismissal. My stepbrother did this all our lives when we lived at home and I just have no tolerance for it. Your other kids should not have to tiptoe around her for fear of one of her moods and neither should you. If you truly think this is a case where she needs help then I agree with Pea n Me, getting help would be required to stay in my home. If she's just being pissy for the sake of being pissy then I'm with Klayfish here, she needs to discover the real world on her own.