Did you help with your child's wedding? How much did you spend?

[Shanoops]

My parents very generously paid for my wedding in 2013.

I didn't go into the planning process expecting them to pay for it, since I was older, but my father was really insistent on paying. For my part, I tried to keep expenses down by choosing a less expensive dress ($250) and really limiting extras. Since I'd worked in the restaurant/catering industry for most of my twenties, we ended up hiring people I knew and who were willing to extend discounts to my parents. All told, my parents ended up footing a $20,000 bill for around 200 guests, most of whom were family or firefighters with whom my father had worked. My in laws couldn't contribute financially, and that was fine by us and by my parents.

To this day, my husband and I are extremely grateful to my parents for having done that for us, but it is nothing we would have ever expected.

 

[lovesmurfs]

DS got married November 2016. They're young, and planned a really low-budget wedding.

We paid for the rehearsal dinner and flowers for the rehearsal dinner (she didn't want flowers for the reception or church, and a family friend made silk bouquets and boutonnieres for the wedding party). I also hosted a number of our side's out-of-town guests - paid for hotel rooms and fed everyone several days, including catered afternoon munchies between the wedding and reception and brunch the next day. We also gave them $3,000 towards the wedding. I didn't want to get in the way of her and her mother and sisters' plans for the wedding.

...I guess I can't include all of the work I did to the house to prepare for everyone out of town (we've done little to the house since moving in almost 20 years ago).

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Those traditions came from somewhere.
If you want to host your daughter's wedding, go ahead.
I still think that is an antiquated tradition. A young woman and a young man getting married should host their own wedding IMO.

The bride's parents host the reception, not the wedding.

Question for you guys who have or are going to pay for your dd's wedding.
Did/will you guys sit down together and plan a budget and work with within that?
Or was/will it be that your dd and her groom pick everything and then tell you what it cost and you just pay?
I am just curious because I see what some of these things cost and I can't imagine having a budget like $6K just for flowers, or my dd coming to me and saying I found the flowers I want and they are $6K and me writing a check.
What do you guys do, do you have a separate savings fund for a wedding, take out loans, dip into your retirement? Nobody has to answer since that is personal, I'm just thinking "out loud".

Dh and I have made saving for college and retirement a priority so there isn't really anything left over to pay for an expensive wedding.
I just dont know how parents do it these days with what weddings cost.

Of course parents work things out on budget and the like with their daughter. They're the ones hosting and paying for it.
By the way the average cost figure of $32,000 for weddings is a bit misleading. The average is driven up by high end weddings. It really doesn't reflect the cost of a wedding for a person of average means. There's no need for full gospel choirs, trumpet octets, live portrait artists, full food trucks, videographers, or even an expensive venue. Our venue was our church. It cost $150. And the church paid for the flowers for the church as they use them for regular services too. That's the groom's responsibility so I paid it. The reception venue cost $0 but you had to use their catering. Their catering was not way out of line with anyone else either. You don't have to pay $250 a guest to have a great wedding.

 

[georgina]

Question for you guys who have or are going to pay for your dd's wedding.
Did/will you guys sit down together and plan a budget and work with within that?
Or was/will it be that your dd and her groom pick everything and then tell you what it cost and you just pay?
I am just curious because I see what some of these things cost and I can't imagine having a budget like $6K just for flowers, or my dd coming to me and saying I found the flowers I want and they are $6K and me writing a check.
What do you guys do, do you have a separate savings fund for a wedding, take out loans, dip into your retirement? Nobody has to answer since that is personal, I'm just thinking "out loud".

Dh and I have made saving for college and retirement a priority so there isn't really anything left over to pay for an expensive wedding.
I just dont know how parents do it these days with what weddings cost.

When my DD became engaged, I asked her what they were thinking for a wedding. I personally am NOT a fan of traditional weddings, but this was her wedding not mine. I told her we would give her $20,000 and they could cover the rest. I did go to look at reception venues with her, and thought they were really expensive as well as beautiful. My DD works in management consulting and has a taste for finer things. We paid out of our discretionary income, our other DD graduated from college in 2017 (wedding of big sis was 2016), and retirement savings is done (DH retired in 2017 also). I think people should not feel pressured to pay more than they want or can reasonably afford.

Oh, and looking at your earlier post about paying for college, we paid very little toward that for any of our 3 kids (due to scholarships and generous grandparents on DH's side).

 

[cabanafrau]

One expense that we caught a break on was flowers. It just so happened that there was a big event the morning of our wedding in my church. When we booked that day they told us the church would be decorated with beautiful flowers. I have no idea what I would have spent on flowers for the church but I can remember that my bouquet alone was $350 - and that was in 1989.

I was also married in 1989. I had a fairly standard, higher end bouquet for our area at the time with red and white roses, no other flowers, and English ivy for $75.

 

[focusondisney]

Question for you guys who have or are going to pay for your dd's wedding.
Did/will you guys sit down together and plan a budget and work with within that?
Or was/will it be that your dd and her groom pick everything and then tell you what it cost and you just pay?
I am just curious because I see what some of these things cost and I can't imagine having a budget like $6K just for flowers, or my dd coming to me and saying I found the flowers I want and they are $6K and me writing a check.
What do you guys do, do you have a separate savings fund for a wedding, take out loans, dip into your retirement? Nobody has to answer since that is personal, I'm just thinking "out loud".

Dh and I have made saving for college and retirement a priority so there isn't really anything left over to pay for an expensive wedding.
I just dont know how parents do it these days with what weddings cost.

We had a separate credit union savings account I was putting a several thousand a year into for the last 25 years or so. We only used that account for big expenses: college, car down payments, home improvements, etc. So I had money in there that we used for both weddings. This is separate from our retirement & regular savings accounts.

For our DD's wedding, it was not hard. She wanted a small wedding with a justice of the peace at the venue. She researched online & picked about 3 or 4 places to visit. I went with her & fiancé to those. They decided on the actual one. We looked at package options together & I just sort of let them know that the cost of any package would be ok. She wanted less than 100 people, so I did encourage a Friday evening because Saturday's required a higher guaranteed minimum head count. Which they were fine with. Wedding gown was all her decision of course. Things like flowers were too. I accompanied them to those vendors, but really left decisions up to them. My DD is not really extravagant or unreasonable, so I didn't have any worries about her picking the most expensive options. I did look at prices of the different vendors & would have spoken up if I felt any of them were out of our comfort zone.

For DS, they picked the venue & made all the decisions. Near the beginning of the planning, I told them how much we would be giving them to put spend on whatever they decided. Her parents had discussed how much they would give her for a wedding a few years before. I am pretty sure they did go over that amount because they paid for the majority of things. But I am not sure of the final wedding total. From the costs I knew of, they probably paid at least double what we did.

For their rehearsal dinner, I had them suggest where they wanted it. Then I looked at the prices & was able to give them the decision on which packages & the menu they wanted since I was ok with any of them price wise.

 

[MIGrandma]

We paid for quite a bit of our daughter's wedding (in 2000), most of it really. The flowers, photographer, videographer, chapel rental, music, the cake, etc. There were about 300 guests. I paid for our daughter's gown myself, it was my gift to her. The groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and they put money towards the reception venue and food and we paid the rest. Oh, his parents also paid for the alcohol at the reception. It was something we wanted to do. It was traditional and we didn't mind that, and especially as we hadn't paid for her college education (she got scholarships/grants and took out student loans).

When DH and I got married my parents paid for my wedding dress and the cake. Back then it was traditional to just have a cake and punch reception, so that wasn't very expensive. DH and I paid for everything else (chapel, which was where our DD got married 25 years later , flowers, etc.

I think paying for your children's wedding, or not, is a very personal family decision. No right or wrong, whatever is right for your own family is the right choice.

Edited to add: I forgot to say we're in a small town in the center of Michigan (lower peninsula), more of a rural farming area really.

 

[bethy]

Question for you guys who have or are going to pay for your dd's wedding.
Did/will you guys sit down together and plan a budget and work with within that?
Or was/will it be that your dd and her groom pick everything and then tell you what it cost and you just pay?
I am just curious because I see what some of these things cost and I can't imagine having a budget like $6K just for flowers, or my dd coming to me and saying I found the flowers I want and they are $6K and me writing a check.
What do you guys do, do you have a separate savings fund for a wedding, take out loans, dip into your retirement? Nobody has to answer since that is personal, I'm just thinking "out loud".

Dh and I have made saving for college and retirement a priority so there isn't really anything left over to pay for an expensive wedding.
I just dont know how parents do it these days with what weddings cost.

We've got 3 daughters and will be dealing with this in a few years I'm sure. We too have saved for college and retirement. So our plan is to give them each a modest lump sum up front and they can choose how to spend it. It will be enough to have a smallish, tasteful, simple, traditional wedding - probably $15-$20k? The amount probably won't include things like our own clothing and hotel room, etc.

One thing I am a bit of a stickler about though is that IMO the bride and groom should pay for their own honeymoon!

 

[Hikergirl]

@Cannot_Wait_4Disney, thought it was pretty obvious in this thread that when we are talking about the wedding we are talking about the reception

Thanks for sharing what you guys do
My parents paid for my wedding, I didn't go to college so the money I didn't use for that went to my wedding. I also did the flowers and decorating myself, and we had it at a basic "hall" with the cheapest food option. The open bar was probably the biggest expense and I'm pretty sure my dad had no problems paying that bill LOL

I don't know what we will give to our kids for their weddings, we never really thought much about it. Still have a few years, dd is the oldest and doesn't want to get married until after she is done with school.

 

[focusondisney]

We've got 3 daughters and will be dealing with this in a few years I'm sure. We too have saved for college and retirement. So our plan is to give them each a modest lump sum up front and they can choose how to spend it. It will be enough to have a smallish, tasteful, simple, traditional wedding - probably $15-$20k? The amount probably won't include things like our own clothing and hotel room, etc.

One thing I am a bit of a stickler about though is that IMO the bride and groom should pay for their own honeymoon!

I think 15 - 20K is a very nice amount for a wedding. I wouldn't consider that a smallish amount at all. I know costs vary greatly depending on where you live. But I'm in Western NY, so for us, that is a good amount.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I was also married in 1989. I had a fairly standard, higher end bouquet for our area at the time with red and white roses, no other flowers, and English ivy for $75.

I think my bride's was $100 in 95. The venue flowers were provided by the church, all of $150 for the facilities fee. I think we did a couple of extra flowers for the facility plus the flowers for the brides mades and the boutonnieres and all total including the bride's was about $350. $6,000 just for flowers? I mean if someone has the money and they want to, fine. But it's not something that my son or daughter is going to get $6,000 for.

 

[luvsJack]

Question for you guys who have or are going to pay for your dd's wedding.
Did/will you guys sit down together and plan a budget and work with within that?
Or was/will it be that your dd and her groom pick everything and then tell you what it cost and you just pay?
I am just curious because I see what some of these things cost and I can't imagine having a budget like $6K just for flowers, or my dd coming to me and saying I found the flowers I want and they are $6K and me writing a check.
What do you guys do, do you have a separate savings fund for a wedding, take out loans, dip into your retirement? Nobody has to answer since that is personal, I'm just thinking "out loud".

Dh and I have made saving for college and retirement a priority so there isn't really anything left over to pay for an expensive wedding.
I just dont know how parents do it these days with what weddings cost.

We haven’t gotten to that point yet. But will sit down and figure out a total budget.

We expect the venue to be the biggest part of that budget so while it will be totally up to them, I will encourage them to go with a venue that offers the most included for the money.

The plan from there is to let them figure out what they want and then try and come with a way to get it for the cheapest price.

No way would I spend $6000 on flowers, for instance. Or near that much on a dress.

We will pay for it out of my income.

 

[cedricandsophie]

We live just north of Chicago. 18 years ago we spent about 30000 on a daughters wedding including dress, flowers, dinner at our club, band, etc for about 180 people. Now it would probably cost well over 50000. And very few decorations. She’s divorced.

We also have an adult disabled daughter who turned 30 three years ago and since she may never get married, she had a cinderellA ball for 115 people for her birthday. At our club. Custom made dress. Cocktails and appetizers before , sit down dinner, killer flowers, decorations and lighting to make the room look like a Disney palace, live Cinderella and prince to escort her into Room, photographer, video made from pictures and music, open bar, incredible cake, Dj, etc. all in about 22000.

My niece got married 7 years ago. 400 people. 5000 dress, band, incredible flowers, lighting, 8 hour bar, sit down steak dinner, after party, etc. Whole thing was over 100,000. Crazy amounts for one day.

We are lucky we could afford our parties without a problem. . My SIL took our second mortgage. That I would never do.

 

[okeydokey]

The bride's parents host the reception, not the wedding.



Of course parents work things out on budget and the like with their daughter. They're the ones hosting and paying for it.
By the way the average cost figure of $32,000 for weddings is a bit misleading. The average is driven up by high end weddings. It really doesn't reflect the cost of a wedding for a person of average means. There's no need for full gospel choirs, trumpet octets, live portrait artists, full food trucks, videographers, or even an expensive venue. Our venue was our church. It cost $150. And the church paid for the flowers for the church as they use them for regular services too. That's the groom's responsibility so I paid it. The reception venue cost $0 but you had to use their catering. Their catering was not way out of line with anyone else either. You don't have to pay $250 a guest to have a great wedding.

This way of doing things, the brides parents hosting the reception and paying is becoming a thing of the past, thankfully. Nowadays, many more families contribute an amount to both bride and groom as they can. This see,s to be a much better way.

 

[focusondisney]

We live just north of Chicago. 18 years ago we spent about 30000 on a daughters wedding including dress, flowers, dinner at our club, band, etc for about 180 people. Now it would probably cost well over 50000. And very few decorations. She’s divorced.

We also have an adult disabled daughter who turned 30 three years ago and since she may never get married, she had a cinderellA ball for 115 people for her birthday. At our club. Custom made dress. Cocktails and appetizers before , sit down dinner, killer flowers, decorations and lighting to make the room look like a Disney palace, live Cinderella and prince to escort her into Room, photographer, video made from pictures and music, open bar, incredible cake, Dj, etc. all in about 22000.

My niece got married 7 years ago. 400 people. 5000 dress, band, incredible flowers, lighting, 8 hour bar, sit down steak dinner, after party, etc. Whole thing was over 100,000. Crazy amounts for one day.

We are lucky we could afford our parties without a problem. . My SIL took our second mortgage. That I would never do.

What you did for your second daughter was so sweet. How wonderful that she could have such a special day. I'm sure she will remember it always.

Your niece's wedding & taking out a second mortgage??

 

[disykat]

I agree with everyone that doesn't get why the bride's parents are EXPECTED to host weddings. That is from back in the day when parents helped their sons get employed and get a home and helped their daughters marry a man who could provide for them and helped supply household goods (hope chest, showers, etc.) Daughters didn't have money because they didn't have jobs.

My parents helped us all pay for college educations - shouldering the majority of the cost. THAT was how they helped set us up for life - regardless of our gender. My parents didn't host our weddings, although they did give generous but modest monetary gifts to be used toward all of our weddings - didn't matter whether we were a boy or a girl. They gave me $2000 in 1990. It paid for 2/3 of the wedding. DH and I didn't want to spend much, and his parents didn't have the means to give a monetary gift so we had what we could afford. It was the wedding of my dreams.

DH and I plan to do the same as my parents did. We helped them get their BA's debt free. They'll be given a modest amount (like I said earlier - we're planning on 5K at this point) as a wedding gift with no strings that they could use for their wedding. IF both sets of parents were fortunate enough to be able to help towards a debt free education and 5K, that would be a 10K start to a wedding. Pretty darn good for young people that are debt free! I'm always pretty appalled and amazed that there are people that flat out don't consider that enough. Seriously? I think anyone who gets that deal pretty much won the lottery! (Though realistically my sons probably won't marry someone debt free and/or getting money as a wedding gift. Not everyone can do that - well, maybe on a Disney vacation board!)

If parents WANT to host a big wedding for their child of either sex and their child wants that, go for it. But doing it because of an archaic tradition that is no longer relevant in today's society is ridiculous. My best friend disagrees with me and has about killed herself paying for her daughter's weddings. I think she's nuts - especially since both her daughters bought brand new cars not long before their weddings!

 

[morgan98]

I agree with everyone that doesn't get why the bride's parents are EXPECTED to host weddings. That is from back in the day when parents helped their sons get employed and get a home and helped their daughters marry a man who could provide for them and helped supply household goods (hope chest, showers, etc.) Daughters didn't have money because they didn't have jobs.

My parents helped us all pay for college educations - shouldering the majority of the cost. THAT was how they helped set us up for life - regardless of our gender. My parents didn't host our weddings, although they did give generous but modest monetary gifts to be used toward all of our weddings - didn't matter whether we were a boy or a girl. They gave me $2000 in 1990. It paid for 2/3 of the wedding. DH and I didn't want to spend much, and his parents didn't have the means to give a monetary gift so we had what we could afford. It was the wedding of my dreams.

DH and I plan to do the same as my parents did. We helped them get their BA's debt free. They'll be given a modest amount (like I said earlier - we're planning on 5K at this point) as a wedding gift with no strings that they could use for their wedding. IF both sets of parents were fortunate enough to be able to help towards a debt free education and 5K, that would be a 10K start to a wedding. Pretty darn good for young people that are debt free! I'm always pretty appalled and amazed that there are people that flat out don't consider that enough. Seriously? I think anyone who gets that deal pretty much won the lottery! (Though realistically my sons probably won't marry someone debt free and/or getting money as a wedding gift. Not everyone can do that - well, maybe on a Disney vacation board!)

If parents WANT to host a big wedding for their child of either sex and their child wants that, go for it. But doing it because of an archaic tradition that is no longer relevant in today's society is ridiculous. My best friend disagrees with me and has about killed herself paying for her daughter's weddings. I think she's nuts - especially since both her daughters bought brand new cars not long before their weddings!

I completely agree with this post. I think there are also parents who still feel like it is their obligation to host and pay for a very elaborate affair because it is some way solidifies how others perceive them. There are social circles where hosting the biggest and the best is still very important, even if the parents have to scrape together money, take out loans, etc.

 

[sk!mom]

Question for you guys who have or are going to pay for your dd's wedding.
Did/will you guys sit down together and plan a budget and work with within that?
Or was/will it be that your dd and her groom pick everything and then tell you what it cost and you just pay?
I am just curious because I see what some of these things cost and I can't imagine having a budget like $6K just for flowers, or my dd coming to me and saying I found the flowers I want and they are $6K and me writing a check.
What do you guys do, do you have a separate savings fund for a wedding, take out loans, dip into your retirement? Nobody has to answer since that is personal, I'm just thinking "out loud".

Dh and I have made saving for college and retirement a priority so there isn't really anything left over to pay for an expensive wedding.
I just dont know how parents do it these days with what weddings cost.

We will likely give DD21 a set amount (10-20K) that she can budget as she chooses. I've seen too many frustrated brides after overbearing moms took over as well as too many frustrated parents as their DD's had ridiculous expectations. My DD is pretty practical so with a set budget she will want to stretch it.

Whatever money we give will come from discretionary spending.

 

[luvsJack]

Most parents I know either have or will pay for their dd’s wedding. It’s really not a thing of the past here at all. BUT, it isn’t done out of some sense of requirement. As with anything else, it’s done out of love for the child. Most parents of the groom will pay for all the traditional stuff or help with the whole thing. Same reasoning.

I have never known of anyone to choose to pay for a wedding over education so I am confused why that keeps being said like it’s an either/or situation? Unless their dd chooses not to go to college for one reason or another, they pay or help pay for that too. The parents that refuse to help with college just aren’t likely to help pay for any kind of marriage ceremony.

As for the “hosting” the rehearsal dinner or reception, well it’s sort of a thing you know but most parents don’t even really make it seem like they are hosting. They may see to it that things run smoothly so the bride and groom can just enjoy but they don’t give some kind of welcome speech or something.

Pay, don’t pay, give a small amount, give a large amount. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It’s kind of like college-get a PhD, Masters, BA/BS, AA-whatever it takes to work in your career of choice. There is no right or wrong way.

 

[Darcy03231]

4 adult kids and our last is getting married in June. The other 3 were this past year.

I just want to say the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding is so old and out dated and that tradition needs to be broken. It is so wrong for the grooms parents and family not to pay anything is wrong. This is your sons wedding too, not a free loading weekend.

We have 2 girls and 2 boys. After our first dd got married and we were told by the grooms parents that the wedding was our responsibility and then they went and booked a $7000 venue. We smartened up very fast.

With the next 3 we did a family meeting and discussed expectations with both sides of the families.

When DD #1 got engaged and they were in the process of planning their wedding her future MIL gave her a guest list with over 200 of her closest family and friends on it "that couldn't possibly left out"! The wedding was being held where DD and her fiancé lived (which is quite a distance away from us). We had 10 people coming from our side of the family and DD and her fiancé had about 60 people on their list (family & friends). Her fiancé had no idea who most of the people on the list even were. They handled it by telling MIL that she had 20 "freebies" and after that she would have to pay for any additional guests. It was amazing how quickly her list shrunk!