Divorce ? keeping the house

[brockash]

Without going into detail I am sadly in the middle of a divorce. My husband of 19 years has decieded that he loves the army and the disicipline and honor (whatever) and that he has been unhappy for several years. I held out hope until the he filed papers a couple of months ago as he is still in Iraq and I thought surely that was the problem ...combat stress. You can't unring a bell however and he has said and done things over the past couple of years while deployed that have cut me to the core. Therefore the divorce proceeds. I am so afraid of losing my home. I still have two children living here and it is the only home they have ever known we have been here 15 years. I have pretty much been a stay at home mom working once in a whileover the years usually long enough to pay for my disney fixes. I can't find a job right now to save my life and the stress has made me physically ill, I've lost almost 20 pounds in no thanks to this divorce diet. For those of you have gone through this process did you have to sell your homes and split the proceeds? Were you awarded the house? We have no debt except the house and he does have retirement from both the army and his civilian job. He is making close to 9 grand a month and only wants to send me 2000. I can't make a sound decision right now. How does this whole "court of equity work, my lawyer is like well we can go to court and see what the judge says but can't make me any assurances. So I come here, what has been the experience of my dear fellow DIS'ers? I could use all the help I can get. thanks
monica

If he's in the military making 9k/month and you have 2 kids at home (let alone the fact that you haven't been able to have a career due to his) I'd def. go to court I can't imagine he wouldn't be ordered to pay more (there are some calculators out there that you can use to get very vague estimates.) If in the mean time he's being a PITA and you can't pay your bills go up his chain of command. - That's one good thing about dealing with this crap with someone being in the military. - If you all are still married the income is family uncome not his. Whatever you do custody and money I would def. get it all court ordered.

 

[brockash]

Even if you get the house, you still need to be able to afford it. The reality is that you’re most likely going to have to downgrade to a smaller home.

Also, you want to figure out how you’re going to support yourself. I’m surprised that you’re a stay at home mom. I thought those went away in the 70s. My significant other has always worked and has a university degree.

Finally, I’m pretty sure the military has rules around paying debt or risk being discharged. I’d explore these options with your attorney.

Did you need to feel good about yourself today and the only way was for you to kick someone while they were down? Bleck... anyways there are still TONS of stay at home parents...especially spouses of military members just due to the required and constant instability.

 

[HopperFan]

Whoa 2006. OPs kids probably have their own kids buy now.

 

[DVCjj]

Most important: GET A GOOD ATTORNEY. And not necessarily a bigwig from a bigwig practice.

My daughter after a 2 year fight finally settled recently. She had a mild, meek suburban attorney and he had a downtown Chicago bigwig from a bigwig practice. From a biblical reference: David vs. Goliath Guess what? David and his slingshot won. And won big.
He came alive in Court, was an outstanding litigator and won over the judge. 65/35 and the house.

Read all reviews on your attorney before you commit. Going through a divorce is a nightmare.

 

[goofy4tink]

Even if you get the house, you still need to be able to afford it. The reality is that you’re most likely going to have to downgrade to a smaller home.

Also, you want to figure out how you’re going to support yourself. I’m surprised that you’re a stay at home mom. I thought those went away in the 70s. My significant other has always worked and has a university degree.

Finally, I’m pretty sure the military has rules around paying debt or risk being discharged. I’d explore these options with your attorney.

Interesting thought process. No, SAHMs did NOT go out with the 70's. I was a SAHM, still at home. I was first married at 22, had two kids, divorced when I was 32. Went to work ft as soon as the kids were old enough to be at home alone after school, worked pt until then. Remarried at 42, had a third child at 44. I stopped working when I had her. Now, 29 yrs later, I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce. My dh didn't want me to work, said he liked having me home and that if I worked, even pt, it would get in the way of my visits to dd (in the past 5 yrs or so). I am now 70. For my 70th birthday, I found divorce papers, two months ago. He has been cheating and lying for over two years. My earning potential is not good. I could work at Target, but that isn't going to support me. So, he's going to have to dig in and do the right thing. He promised to support me when he walked out. He told our dd the same thing. Now, he is trying to get away with doing nothing. I will be getting some of his ss payments, as well as his pension, once we find it. He has been hiding money for several years. Because we live in a no-fault state, none of this makes any difference. He gets to what he wants to do, and I'm left holding the bag, with nothing.
We were in the process of downsizing...wish that had happened. But, although he wants to get rid of the house, and have me pay for it, that won't happen. It will be sold, as soon as we can come to some kind of settlement agreement. At 70, I'm not sure I should be expected to work. He didn't want me working when we were married. At my age, this is very complicated. Your way of thinking is archaic.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Interesting thought process. No, SAHMs did NOT go out with the 70's. I was a SAHM, still at home. I was first married at 22, had two kids, divorced when I was 32. Went to work ft as soon as the kids were old enough to be at home alone after school, worked pt until then. Remarried at 42, had a third child at 44. I stopped working when I had her. Now, 29 yrs later, I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce. My dh didn't want me to work, said he liked having me home and that if I worked, even pt, it would get in the way of my visits to dd (in the past 5 yrs or so). I am now 70. For my 70th birthday, I found divorce papers, two months ago. He has been cheating and lying for over two years. My earning potential is not good. I could work at Target, but that isn't going to support me. So, he's going to have to dig in and do the right thing. He promised to support me when he walked out. He told our dd the same thing. Now, he is trying to get away with doing nothing. I will be getting some of his ss payments, as well as his pension, once we find it. He has been hiding money for several years. Because we live in a no-fault state, none of this makes any difference. He gets to what he wants to do, and I'm left holding the bag, with nothing.
We were in the process of downsizing...wish that had happened. But, although he wants to get rid of the house, and have me pay for it, that won't happen. It will be sold, as soon as we can come to some kind of settlement agreement. At 70, I'm not sure I should be expected to work. He didn't want me working when we were married. At my age, this is very complicated. Your way of thinking is archaic.

But being dependent on a spouse for money isn't archaic?

 

[RamblingMad]

But being dependent on a spouse for money isn't archaic?

And telling a woman to not work is toxic masculinity on steroids.

 

[Searc]

But being dependent on a spouse for money isn't archaic?

You're wrongly assuming the working spouse controls all the money and the sahp (I am specifying p for parent, because there are plenty of stay at home dads, too) has no access to that money.

 

[Hisgirl]

Ask the women in your area (check for a facebook community group) and hire the most bad a** lawyer you can find. If he earns 9K a month, 2K isn't even close. It also depends on which state you live in, if your 'home state' per DOD is a community property state. Call your DOD assistance numbers and find out without question what your rights are. I recently counseled a client who though she had more DOD rights financially speaking but juuuuust missed being married long enough. Do NOT let him set the financial terms on this.

If you haven't done it yet, freeze all three of your credit reports, Transunion, experian, and equifax. Do the same for all of your kids too. This will prevent him from opening a credit line in your name or the kids names. It happens.

If you havne't done it yet, GET A CREDIT CARD IN YOUR NAME ALONE. If yall are currently married and filed a joint tax return, then apply for a card in your name, state the family income, even though you have been a SAHM, if you have reason to believe you have access to the family funds, you can get a card in your name. He will not know you have applied for a card. During this time, you might need to charge things for living expenses, such as new tires or a new transmission. Just for emergencies, mind you.

You will be better off. Your life will go on. You will find a new mate and find happiness, if you want to. I get the weight loss. I did the same thing. Use this time to build a few muscles and enjoy the new you, in case you had a few to lose. I did.

I'm sorry you are going through this. One more thing. Get a notebook or a file on your computer, and take notes. Daily. Of everything that is being done by your or him. It could get messy and you may have a hard time remembering all the junk. Trust me on this one.

And take a deep breath. It will be okay.

 

[RamblingMad]

You're wrongly assuming the working spouse controls all the money and the sahp (I am specifying p for parent, because there are plenty of stay at home dads, too) has no access to that money.

This is premised on a joint account. I know plenty of divorced people that have filed for bankruptcy. Controlling finances never ends well.

 

[Chickinvic]

Even if you get the house, you still need to be able to afford it. The reality is that you’re most likely going to have to downgrade to a smaller home.

Also, you want to figure out how you’re going to support yourself. I’m surprised that you’re a stay at home mom. I thought those went away in the 70s. My significant other has always worked and has a university degree.

Finally, I’m pretty sure the military has rules around paying debt or risk being discharged. I’d explore these options with your attorney.

This is a very old thread, but I think you are wrong about stay at home moms. There are plenty of them, especially military spouses (which OP was). They move around lots in support of the spouse's career and often have no job themselves (or just non-career type work like cashiers, etc).

 

[Hisgirl]

But being dependent on a spouse for money isn't archaic?

Can we flip this around?

What if my spouse depends on me to do all of the child care,
the grocery shopping,
all the cooking,
the cleaning,
the laundry,
arrange car care,
house care,
yard care,
pay all the bills,
handle the taxes,
manage a rental property,
handle all dog care,
manage all birthdays and christmas for his huge family,
arrange doctor visits,
prescription drugs,
manage a social couple's life with themed dinner parties.

What if he shows up at an office to work 8 hours and bring home money but I'm the one who works from 6:30 am until 11pm seven days a week with no holiday break?

Who's dependent on whom?

I see it as a team. He contributes and I contribute.

We both need each other.

 

[Searc]

This is premised on a joint account. I know plenty of divorced people that have filed for bankruptcy. Controlling finances never ends well.

And I know plenty of married people that have filed bankruptcy. Your point?

 

[Floridaman999]

Edit: Yeah, probably just better to leave this one alone.

 

[CdnCarrie]

You're wrongly assuming the working spouse controls all the money and the sahp (I am specifying p for parent, because there are plenty of stay at home dads, too) has no access to that money.

I was just pointing out the ridiculousness of the original use of archiac in this thread.

 

[mousefan73]

Can we flip this around?

What if my spouse depends on me to do all of the child care,
the grocery shopping,
all the cooking,
the cleaning,
the laundry,
arrange car care,
house care,
yard care,
pay all the bills,
handle the taxes,
manage a rental property,
handle all dog care,
manage all birthdays and christmas for his huge family,
arrange doctor visits,
prescription drugs,
manage a social couple's life with themed dinner parties.

What if he shows up at an office to work 8 hours and bring home money but I'm the one who works from 6:30 am until 11pm seven days a week with no holiday break?

Who's dependent on whom?

I see it as a team. He contributes and I contribute.

We both need each other.

Agree that is lots if work. Thing is people ( both men and women ) work AND do all the above. So to be fair a working wife who does all that should also fet spousal “payout” she was working 2 jobs.

 

[RamblingMad]

Can we flip this around?

What if my spouse depends on me to do all of the child care,
the grocery shopping,
all the cooking,
the cleaning,
the laundry,
arrange car care,
house care,
yard care,
pay all the bills,
handle the taxes,
manage a rental property,
handle all dog care,
manage all birthdays and christmas for his huge family,
arrange doctor visits,
prescription drugs,
manage a social couple's life with themed dinner parties.

What if he shows up at an office to work 8 hours and bring home money but I'm the one who works from 6:30 am until 11pm seven days a week with no holiday break?

Who's dependent on whom?

I see it as a team. He contributes and I contribute.

We both need each other.

We both do those things, and we both work. It’s completely manageable. I don’t do any less than my significant other. We’re both university educated. We both make about the same. Neither of us is dependent on the other. We’re together because we want to, not because one is financially dependent on the other.

 

[morgan98]

Can we flip this around?

What if my spouse depends on me to do all of the child care,
the grocery shopping,
all the cooking,
the cleaning,
the laundry,
arrange car care,
house care,
yard care,
pay all the bills,
handle the taxes,
manage a rental property,
handle all dog care,
manage all birthdays and christmas for his huge family,
arrange doctor visits,
prescription drugs,
manage a social couple's life with themed dinner parties.

What if he shows up at an office to work 8 hours and bring home money but I'm the one who works from 6:30 am until 11pm seven days a week with no holiday break?

Who's dependent on whom?

I see it as a team. He contributes and I contribute.

We both need each other.

I have been divorced and am now remarried. I am not trying to start a working vs. stay at home debate, I promise. I agree that there is value to a stay at home spouse (parent or otherwise), but people who work still have to do these things anyway, for the record.

Unfortunately what often happens in a divorce is that the person who used to value the role of the stay at home spouse(the person whose name the paycheck is in) suddenly doesn't value it any longer (or values it nowhere near as much). So that leaves the settlement in the hands of a court, and often the person not working outside the home has less money than they are used to.

Of course you can be a stay at home spouse and have equal access to the accounts. Except when you divorce, there is generally less to have access to (after assets are divided) and the spouse who was working has to only pay what the court orders.

My divorce was emotionally very traumatic, as many are. What someone promises you early in a marriage or when you are happy doesn't matter when things go south - except maybe with a prenup.

I admit to being a little jaded after my divorce. I am not sure I would ever not have my own career.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

We both do those things, and we both work. It’s completely manageable. I don’t do any less than my significant other. We’re both university educated. We both make about the same. Neither of us is dependent on the other. We’re together because we want to, not because one is financially dependent on the other.

It's not always completely manageable, especially for military spouses. I am university educated as well, but the combination of my ex-husband being gone 1/2 the year, two small kids at home, no family nearby to help and moving every two to four years made a career impossible for me. I'm paying for it now though, that we've divorced and I was out of the job market for a very long time. My point is, don't judge other peoples' situations, you have no idea what their particular challenges are.

 

[RamblingMad]

It's not always completely manageable, especially for military spouses. I am university educated as well, but the combination of my ex-husband being gone 1/2 the year, two small kids at home, no family nearby to help and moving every two to four years made a career impossible for me. I'm paying for it now though, that we've divorced and I was out of the job market for a very long time. My point is, don't judge other peoples' situations, you have no idea what their particular challenges are.

That’s a choice you made. You prioritized your ex’s career over your own. You chose to marry someone in the military. What I’m saying is that when it comes time to divorce, no one cares about the circumstances. You have to protect your own interests. Don’t expect the court system to care.

What I’m saying is that modern women need to look after their own interests today. Toxic masculinity is a serious problem when half of all marriages end in divorce.