My mother started "checking out" with us when my older sister and I were about 8 and 9, and the responsibilities piled up until she finally left altogether when I was 12. After that, I was pretty much on my own - I finished raising my younger sisters, fed them, bathed them, dressed them, did laundry, dishes, bathrooms, bedrooms, floors, etc, etc, etc. When I was 14 I was "allowed" to go live with my mother again so I could start all over again with raising her new baby, who was born my first week of high school. She and my stepfather worked afternoons, so I would come home from school, take off my "normal teenager" hat and put my "single teen mother" hat on for the rest of the night. She would leave all the housecleaning and babycare for me to do so that they could sleep all day, which meant my baby brother would sleep all day with them, then be awake all afternoon and night. I will never forget my mother reprimanding me for putting him to bed "too early" because he was waking up at 9-10am, which caused her to have to get up too. On this way it went....
My parents were hands-off, obviously, but they were also hands off in other ways. I bought my own necessities from about 13 on, own clothes, shoes, shampoo, lunches, gas for my car (they bought me a car for $100 when I got my license so that I could go and find a job). I found a job, and the first thing my mother told me was "you better find a babysitter for your brother while you work". So I found a babysitter and would drop the 2 year old off on my way to work, and pick him back up at 10pm when I got off. I was 16/17. I filled out my own FAFSA forms, and chose my college without their input. I bought my first car on my own at 19, and my first house at 21.
My kids on the other hand - I think they do more than other kids in some ways, and in other ways a LOT less. They have had to order their own food from the server since they could talk (with our help, of course, but they had to either repeat it or we would if there was confusion), but DS17 has NEVER had to be responsible for his younger siblings. I have always done their laundry, but all three have had to do their own if they don't get their dirty clothes down to me by a certain point in the weekend (I will NOT do 4 more loads of laundry on Sunday afternoon because they were too lazy to bring it to me Saturday!) so they know how to. They make their own lunches ever since they told me I make gross lunches when they were about 9-10 years old lol, and their own breakfast. I cook for them nightly, but have taught each one of them how to make a simple "grown-up" meal like roasted chicken or pot roast. They can run into the store with $5 and buy a gallon of milk by themselves, or order a pizza, and DS17 has started filling out his own paperwork at the Dr. office. I've tried to teach them the basic+ lifeskills while still being their "mom" and not leaving them to navigate the world on their own.
I think they are turning out pretty decent so far....
