Grief?

[siren0119]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mom very suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 22 and she was 44, it's been 21 years since we lost her. We were also very close.

What I have learned about grief is this:
- there isn't a "set" timeline. If you are still grieving after a year or two, or three..it's OK. If you start to feel more "normal" after three months, it's OK. There's no cookie cutter for grief, we all process and work through it in our own way.
- "Normal" is a new thing. It's not going to look like it did before they passed. The world as you know it is different. I had trouble seeing the world as "ok" for a long time, but some of that was my own resistance to accepting the world as a place that didn't have her in it. That's OK too.
- The hole left by the person you lost, and the pain of the loss don't necessary go away....but the edges definitely soften over time. The hole is still there, but it's a part of me the way a scar is a part of me..and more often than not I now embrace that empty space because it reminds me she was here and important.
- Talking to someone (a professional, someone outside the situation, a grief group...whatever works for you) is REALLY helpful. For one, it is a good reminder that you're not alone. For another, it's easy to get on the hamster wheel of grief and depression and not really see that there's a way off of it. Talking to people outside of the situation can help you see the way off, and know there's a way out of the cycle of grief that doesn't involve "forgetting" the person you lost - that's never the end goal.
- It's going to hit you at odd times over the years. Embrace it, let it be a bittersweet moment where you miss them but you still have the ability to love them as if they were still here. In the beginning, I had a really hard time with the holidays and milestones. Some years, those are the times the grief returns. Other years, it's some random Tuesday during an otherwise unimportant week. It just washes over me and I miss her. It doesn't mean you "aren't over it"...we never get over it and that's how it should be - it just means your heart had a reason to bring that person to the forefront of your mind for a bit. They're always in the background of EVERYTHING anyway, it's just them stepping back into the spotlight for a time. Embrace it and know THAT is part of the new normal.

Most of all, don't ever feel ashamed about showing your grief. It's proof that your person was loved and cherished, and special. Surround yourself with people who respect that, who will allow you space to grieve but also not let you forget that there's life to be lived still - and your person would want you out there living it. You are carrying them with you now anyway - let them be a part of your new chapter.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I isolate myself a lot. I work from home and during my mother’s illness I lost the only non-family member friend I had. My sisters are great to spend time with and talk to but they are also grieving so I don’t want to put too much on them about me. KWIM?

I don't know exactly what your life is like, but being alone a lot, and things like working from home, and not having friends, gives you a lot of time to ruminate your thoughts, and that can become like a runaway train if you let it. (We probably all do this from time to time to a degree.)

It's healthy to get outside and enjoy life, which I'd guess is what your mother would want you to do, and that way, even for a little while, different thoughts can enter your head. Think of it this way: you can't cross the street safely if you're not thinking critically about whether cars are coming, etc. When new thoughts like those enter your head, they push the other thoughts away temporarily. So even going out for walks and enjoying some fresh air would be helpful. Ideally you'll interact with others, too, and have conversations, and begin to feel what it feels like to live again, not just focus on death and dying all the time. Go get some coffee, bring your laptop and sit in the shop while you drink it. Maybe do it daily or three times a week. Or go out for your sandwich at lunchtime - feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. Take a walk with a dog, borrow one if you have to - dogs are great conversation starters for people. I think you need to feel some happiness again and it may not come flowing to you if you're at home alone; you may have to seek it out. I know it's not easy to do, but baby steps can help you start.

I know you said you have sisters, and I'm glad about that. I hope you can connect with them in your shared grief. But what about opening yourself up to a new friendship or two? I think that would probably therapeutic for you. During times of grief in my own life I've relied heavily on those around me to help me through. At least give it some thought.

I will speak with my doctor about referring me to a therapist, I’ve never used one as they are hard to find in my area but I know I need to make an effort as I believe they could help with a lot of other issues besides grief.

I think that would be perfect. And joining a grief group would be beneficial, too - not only discussing your feelings, but interacting with and meeting others.

ETA. I’ve never had to deal with grief before. I lost all of my grandparents as a child and don’t remember many issues dealing with the grief so I really don’t know what kind of timeline I should be looking at. Also I’m not expecting a timeline per say just wanting to be sure I’m not falling back into a depressive state that I’m still passing off as grief, if that makes sense.

I've always had an interest in grief. Not sure why. But a few things I can tell you about it. It isn't all depressive. There are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. One can go back and forth through the stages, and each person is on a timeline unique to them. Grief can also happen not only when someone dies, but when there are other losses, such as a divorce or job loss, etc. The loss of someone very close to us, though, is one of the toughest losses we can face, and therefore we can feel our grief most then.

I understand your worry and believe that's something you can work out with your doctors who know you best. But what I can say is that the depression of grief is a natural and appropriate response to great loss, and not something that has to be "fixed". Moving through the grieving process is, in itself, healing. But it does hurt. Awfully sometimes. And we even wonder if we'll ever come out of it. As I said earlier, it is still relatively early for you in the process. It's not something you can or should rush. Time will go on, and life will go on, and little by little, the acute pain you're feeling will lessen. It may not ever go away completely, but it will change from what you're feeling now, so just know you won't always feel the awful pain you're feeling today.

I do wish you well, and hope you find some comfort here.

 

[sarahann77]

My brother died suddenly 19 years ago. The first year can be very difficult going through all of the different holidays or traditions. As others mention, you'll find your new normal. After 3 years, I did realize I had been in a numb state the first year. I had nightmares for quite a few years. All the while, to everyone in person I was presenting "normal". You find your ways and it can take time. Allow yourself to feel the feelings as well. I still have moments close to the death anniversary.

I'd suggest seeing if there's a local grief support group so you can talk with those in the grief process as well. My second year I did go to one which helped and helped my parents as well. Definitely talk to your dr about your concerns for not identifying the differences in yourself or see if there's certain benchmarks to help you warn yourself if you were going into the depressive state that needs to be watched for.

 

[LoveSpringsteen]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mom very suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 22 and she was 44, it's been 21 years since we lost her. We were also very close.

What I have learned about grief is this:
- there isn't a "set" timeline. If you are still grieving after a year or two, or three..it's OK. If you start to feel more "normal" after three months, it's OK. There's no cookie cutter for grief, we all process and work through it in our own way.
- "Normal" is a new thing. It's not going to look like it did before they passed. The world as you know it is different. I had trouble seeing the world as "ok" for a long time, but some of that was my own resistance to accepting the world as a place that didn't have her in it. That's OK too.
- The hole left by the person you lost, and the pain of the loss don't necessary go away....but the edges definitely soften over time. The hole is still there, but it's a part of me the way a scar is a part of me..and more often than not I now embrace that empty space because it reminds me she was here and important.
- Talking to someone (a professional, someone outside the situation, a grief group...whatever works for you) is REALLY helpful. For one, it is a good reminder that you're not alone. For another, it's easy to get on the hamster wheel of grief and depression and not really see that there's a way off of it. Talking to people outside of the situation can help you see the way off, and know there's a way out of the cycle of grief that doesn't involve "forgetting" the person you lost - that's never the end goal.
- It's going to hit you at odd times over the years. Embrace it, let it be a bittersweet moment where you miss them but you still have the ability to love them as if they were still here. In the beginning, I had a really hard time with the holidays and milestones. Some years, those are the times the grief returns. Other years, it's some random Tuesday during an otherwise unimportant week. It just washes over me and I miss her. It doesn't mean you "aren't over it"...we never get over it and that's how it should be - it just means your heart had a reason to bring that person to the forefront of your mind for a bit. They're always in the background of EVERYTHING anyway, it's just them stepping back into the spotlight for a time. Embrace it and know THAT is part of the new normal.

Most of all, don't ever feel ashamed about showing your grief. It's proof that your person was loved and cherished, and special. Surround yourself with people who respect that, who will allow you space to grieve but also not let you forget that there's life to be lived still - and your person would want you out there living it. You are carrying them with you now anyway - let them be a part of your new chapter.

Siren - I was so touched by your post, that I had to reply to thank you for posting it. I love this that you wrote: "The hole left by the person you lost, and the pain of the loss don't necessarily go away... but the edges definitely soften over time". It describes grief, as I've experienced it with the loss of my Mother, perfectly. I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mother at such a young age.

To the OP, I am sorry very for your loss of your Mother. My Mother also passed very quickly in 2016 after being diagnosed with cancer 4 weeks prior (but had been sick 2 weeks before that). As others have said, the first year was the toughest. It has gotten better, but sometimes, I still have my moments. I do wish you well and hope that you find comfort during this time.

 

[lisaviolet]

We’re not born with the ability to cope with such strong emotions, sometimes we need some guidance.

This.

-------------

Like I said last night I think you are both brave and smart to reach out lilia.

There is no timeline for grief. We all grieve in our own way.

So true, as you can see from this thread.

And often it is critical to realize and remember that with loved ones, when their reaction and ways look completely different when grieving. I have often found this part of grief the most difficult at times. And have had to repeatedly remember that my ways are not everyone else's.

When new thoughts like those enter your head, they push the other thoughts away temporarily.

Good point to remember when suffering through any painful or difficult situation. It is so important to have a break.

Lilia, I wanted to write about a quote that continues to help me but I did not want it misconstrued on here. After Katie Couric lost her husband her mother told her that "the earth is for the living". It really hit home for me when I heard it, for whatever reason. I do not use it to stuff down feelings. But it has been a helpful quote when my balance is off between sadness and accepting and cherishing happiness on my own path in life. I guess it often felt off to me to accept these moments when others are not here. And I miss them so much. That quote helped me/helps me realize that it is not healthy to shut out positive emotions and events or feel bad about them, while I mourn.

 

[lisaviolet]

Sometimes you grieve more at 5 months than when the death first happens. That's what I was told by counselors about 5 months after my son died many years ago. When he first died, they said, you develop a protective "shell" around you. But after a few months the "shell" starts peeling away, allowing the grief out. At least that's what they said to explain why at 4-5 months, everything felt so much worse. The first year is the hardest-"Last year at this time we [did this]".

I couldn't let this go nor could I press like to acknowledge it.

Simba's Mom, I can't imagine. I am so very sorry. Struggling to find words.

 

[everylastbreath]

I am so sorry for your loss We just lost my Mom in August and I too am having a difficult time with it, I have those periods when I almost forget and go to call her, everything we do reminds us of something. My birthday just passed and it was the first she was not here to celebrate it, I know the holidays are going to be extremely difficult - I wish I had a word of advice unfortunately I'm looking for one too. Good luck to you - I am with you.

 

[pearlieq]

Any day now...

I'm so sorry. It's really hard. It's been almost 7 years since I lost my mom and it's still occasionally difficult. It hits at odd times. I was sick a few months ago--nothing serious, just a mild flu--and I really, really felt the loss of not being able to call my mom. Our experiences shape us, so you'll never quite be the same.

The best advice I can offer is not to be afraid to talk and to ask for help. We're so afraid of appearing weak or being a burden, but most people are very understanding and generally want to help and are happy to do so. It's ok to say "I'm having a rough day today." Sometimes just giving something a name and acknowledging that it exists goes a long way toward making it manageable.

 

[Kitty 34]

 

[VandVsmama]

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your mom. I totally understand. It is TOTALLY normal to feel how you're feeling right now 5 months after her death.

You're also wise to seek out some help in figuring out how to process it all. In addition to psychiatric & psychologist/therapist assistance, a lot of people often find a grief support group to be helpful. I've often seen these offered at local churches. Even if you don't follow that particular religion, it can often be helpful just to hear from other people **in person** that they are going through exactly what you are.

My mom died 8 years ago from pancreatic cancer. She lived with it for ~ 18 months before she died, so in terms of that form of cancer, we had a "long" time with her. But even when you know that the end is coming, it still royally sucks. My kids were 2 and 4 when she died. I'll be honest with you...that first year after she passed away was hard. Every "first" was hard. The first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first of my mom's birthdays after her death, etc. Mother's Day was really really REALLY hard. My birthday, my kids' birthdays, etc. I also while grieving had to help my young children understand & process their grandmother's death, explain why she couldn't come back to visit anymore, etc. It was rough, but we got through it. Having other people to talk to about it helped immensely.

After a year, things didn't 'hurt' quite as bad. My emotional wounds & grief started to heal. But sometimes even now 8 years later, totally random stuff will just totally remind me of her and I will start to cry. I'm crying even right now while I'm typing this. I totally feel for what you're going through. For example....

• something great happens in my life and I just really really wish that I could just call my mom to say hi and tell her about it. So instead, I pray about it and that makes me feel a little better.
• 1 of the kids gets an award at school and I go to the little award ceremony. I feel sad/happy/bittersweet about it because I wish that my mom was there to see it.
• every time we've been on a Disney trip, I cry once or twice on the trip. Usually for 2 reasons: (1) we've had such a wonderful time w/our little family & I'm so grateful for that; and (2) my mom isn't alive anymore so she can't be there to experience it with her grandchildren. She totally would have gone with us on 1 of those trips.
• sometimes it will be a smell that reminds me of her
• or a song playing in the grocery store
• And every single time I hear "We Know The Way" from Moana, I ugly cry because my mom loved loved LOVED Hawaii and that song always makes me think of her.

 

[jen7233]

I don't think there is a going back to normal, because life is different after someone that means something to you passes. I think there may be more of a finding a new normal, adjusting, accepting, reminding yourself to look forward and be present. I think feelings go through different stages after loss: up, down, up again, down again, sorrow, wishful thinking, maybe feelings in some way of happiness that the parent got to experience many stages of life, love, marriage, births of children, the passing of their parents and how they handled it, grief that they suffered, grief that they had to pass before it was what seemed like should be more time. Maybe also if one suffers from things like bipolar, depression, etc. losses have a hard grieving process.

I lost a parent this year, and probably will lose my other soon as she's ill, so I'm just speaking from my perspective on things I personally have felt. I think about it daily, I've had every range of emotion. I will say it's a little easier now than at first, though I'm constantly processing and keep reminding myself my kids were once me, when I was young and my grandparents passed. I didn't understand how my parents handled it what I thought was bravely then, but now that I'm older, I somewhat get a better understanding.

 

[tvguy]

I guess it depends on the individual. My mom passed away 5 years ago, my dad passed away 51 years ago (when I was 9). I was surprised right after my mom passed, as I was getting the house she and my dad had purchased 53 years earlier ready to be sold, that I was again grieving for my dad. Not overpowering. But sooo many memories in that house of both my parents. 6 Christmases while my dad was still alive, 50+ Christmases with my mom. The baseball games with my dad in the backyard. All the brickwork he did, the redwood tree that was a foot tall when dad and I planted it in 1965, that is now over 50 feet tall. I find myself taking a few minutes a couple of times a week thinking of them and missing them. I'm tearing up a little as I write this. Not sure "normal" is something you will ever get back once you love someone close to you........but there will come a time where you accept the "new" normal.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter in 05 and I still grieve. I also made the decision to get into grief therapy right away so I did not go into a deep depression. Every person is different and grieving can be different for everyone so don't feel bad about the grieving.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I lost my mom, who was also my best friend about 4 years ago. It has not gotten any better for me, and honestly I think it never will. I have done many things since she has passed, but even happy things are still bittersweet because I keep thinking I wish she was here to see this, or I want to tell her about this or that.

 

[TB'sWidow]

How long does it take to feel back to ‘normal’ after losing someone close to you?

A bit of background I am 40 years old and my whole life I’ve never lived farther than 8 miles from my parents. On July 30 2017 out of the complete blue we found out that my Mom had stage 4 cancer. She did what she could to fight it but because of the stage and where it was treatment was not much of an option and we were told by day 2 they would just be looking at palliative care for her. She was in and out of hospitals for a few months and did two rounds of chemo which didn’t work. In November she came home and on February 15 she moved into the nursing home for palliative care as it was to a point that we could no longer offer her 24 hour care at home. She passed away peacefully on June 1st with my older brother and I by her side.

It is now almost 5 months later and everyday I am still expecting to talk to her or see her. I also have moments where it feels as though I’ve fallen into a black hole and can’t get out. I cry multiple times a day and am extremely depressed.

While I know everyone grieves differently I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is normal or if I am entering a bipolar state. I was diagnosed as bipolar in my 20’s and am medicated. I do have a doctors appointment scheduled for next Tuesday to discuss this and other medical issues.

Thank you in advance for any words of advise or wisdom you may have for me.

so sorry for your loss you won’t go back to “ normal “ you have lost your mom an it will take time to learn to live with this loss be kind to yourself an don’t listen to others who say it’s time to move on everyone’s grieving process is different. For me I was a widow at 39 with three kids to take care an it was a lot to handle but they also kept me busy even now 16 years later I have moments of grief and sadness like now where our youngest is in her senior year an is in her plays an musicals and I don’t have DH to share these moments with it all comes rushing in and the tears just fall.

 

[The Princess]

Sorry for your loss. Going through the same. My mom passed away 15 months ago and my dad just passed away last week.

 

[kimblebee]

I haven’t lost a parent yet so I can’t offer advice but I agree with everyone else. Grief takes time and is different for everyone. It is far better to talk through it than to take medications to just cover it.

 

[kimblebee]

Sorry for your loss. Going through the same. My mom passed away 15 months ago and my dad just passed away last week.

I can’t even imagine..I’m so sorry for your loss.

I don’t know why, but last night I was thinking about my parents and I thought, out of nowhere, who will I call for questions about stoves and light bulbs and garage door openers when he’s gone..then I burst into tears. He’s not sick, but he will be 75 next year and that scares the hell out of me.

 

[Marchand63]

I do not think five months is too long. I know it will be a long process as she was my very best friend, we talked daily, often grocery shopped together, bought a lot of the same clothes together and often ended up with the same haircut. She was my person.

My problem is trying to discover the differences for me between grief and depression. I’m worried I’ll ended up in a very dark place if I ended up confusing the two. By this I mean, thinking it’s still grief but ending up in a deep depression that for me is a very hard place to climb out of. I’ll be talking to my doctor about this next week and asking for a referral to a therapist. I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a therapist quickly to start trying some coping skills.

The fact you can recognize this is awesome. I would try to find one that deals specifically with grief.

I lost my Mom in February and I find the milestones the hardest. The firsts without her were/are tough, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc... One thing I do when I find myself heading toward a darker mind set, pick a memory, a really good one. Sit down, close your eyes and go through it as if you are back there. I usually look silly because I end sitting there laughing or just grinning at the warmness of the memory.
I push myself to not remember her in those final moments that cause me pain but in happy ones we shared.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I lost my mom 2 months ago. We were always very close, in fact years ago we lived down the street from my parents. My dad died at age 67 in 1992. My mom was 90 and came to live us about 2 years ago. She did really well until Easter of this year. She then was diagnosed and was pretty much paralyzed from the waist down. She went to rehab for 3 months but it really did little good. I chose to bring her home and take care of her when she was released from rehab. She died 5 weeks later. It was the hardest five weeks of my life but I'm so glad I did it

I knew I would miss her but I didn't know how much. I still cry almost every day and there are still times I think I have to tell her something before it sinks in. I know time heals all wounds- I can't wait for that time to come. I'm so dreading the holidays