HELP!!! MIL wants to take my DC's to WDW alone!!!!

[Trentmom]

Memorial day is almost here Momneedsavacay!!

Any BBQs in the making, that your mil will be at with you and your family?

got the cocktails ready???

 

[Blondiex46]

I wasn't allowed to take my granddaughter her mother wanted to take her first so I took her to DTD and got yelled at and am not allowed to take my granddaughter on vacation again, whatever....they were never married. We are all going at the end of this month but my son will be there.

 

[bumbershoot]

Still have MIL in "not talking about it" mode. MY DH says to give her some space about it. ARGH!

Yeah, she might not be *talking* about it, but since you've said she's a planner (and I hear "schemer" in her past actions), I'd bet that she's *planning* it. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes to you, reservations etc in hand (not "in hand" literally), the whole time planned out.

So even though you can't talk to her about it, I'd be planning just the same!

This trip was thought of based on YOUR family member. Therefore YOU have the say in it, the right to make the decisions and to nix the bad decisions that might be made for you.


So when she plunks down the plans at Mem Day, or Labor Day, or Thanksgiving, etc, some big place where you're not going to make a stink, I'd be coming up with the way to counteract her without looking evil. "Oh wow, you did that! If only you'd talked to me about it, because I have my own x,y,z plans. Let's look over our plans to make sure we're doing the best for first-daughter based on her personality...and since we're including others we'll have to be flexible" etc etc etc etc. Or something like that.

I'm just hearing scheming going on from her, and since it's your daughter, I just don't think it's inappropriate for you to plan (those on the other side might see it as "scheming", but since it's all about YOUR daughter...) right back!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Didn't read the whole thread..but speak up! It's your life. Jeez! This is ridiculous, as someone who HAS an overbearing MIL. I know, just tell it like it is. These are your children, this is your family and DH NEEDS to get behind you on this! Both of you need to tell MIL you are taking your kids to DW when you are. And if you are nice you will invite her along on YOUR trip.

 

[Nynaeve]

Wow, that's a tough one.

I'm super lucky, I have the best in-laws. We (DH, me, DD, MIL, FIL, SIL, her hubby, and their 4 kids) all went for Halloween, and we don't see them much, we live across the country from them. It was my daughter's first trip, and my hubby told my In-laws way before we even left, that we were not spending every second together (mostly due to how SIL and her family do trips there), that this was OUR vacation too and there were things we wanted to do. We came to a nice compromise. We spent some time with SIL and her kids, but not a ton. We had Halloween night with them, and Josie's b-day dinner and a morning together before they went home. Then, we would spend the days with my MIL and FIL, then they went back to their room to rest in the afternoons, and we had the rest of the day and dinner to ourselves. Some of my favorite pictures are Josie with my MIL.
We had a wonderful time, and my hubby was the one who would get annoyed with his family, not me.

Even though things are smooth with them, my family can be difficult at times. But, I know that my hubby comes first. When I married him, he (and later DD) became my family. All the rest of our families are the secondary family.

And, I think you need to tell your hubby this. He is your partner, it is your life together. MIL can offer advice on your life, but she has no real say in it. You and your hubby are a team, you need to make the decisions for yourselves, by yourselves. You need to set guidelines now, or things will only get worse.

Have you explained to your hubby how you feel? IMHO, you really need to sit down, and get him on your side. I really like how the PP's said that this would be her vacation with her family, and you would be the guest, standing off to the side. These are your kids, you ned to be able to plan their trip, and do things your way. Bring up her previous behavior with money, and how she would do the same with this trip, and that if he does not make a stand now, he'll be caught in the middle of you two (and the control struggle) for the rest of his life. Get him to realize that though he may not care, it really upsets you. He needs to put you, and YOUR family first, and not just let her steamroll you both because it's what he's used to. Deal with the stress of standing up to her now, and it will be easier down the road. To quote another poster here "Tell him to grow some Mickeys".

OK, I'm getting off my soapbox now.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I wasn't allowed to take my granddaughter her mother wanted to take her first so I took her to DTD and got yelled at and am not allowed to take my granddaughter on vacation again, whatever....they were never married. We are all going at the end of this month but my son will be there.

See-now this is what we are talking about. You come off as annoyed because the child's MOM wants to be the first for such things and not you. That's not right IMO. Also- it doens't matter if they were married or not. The child is still hers too.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

See-now this is what we are talking about. You come off as annoyed because the child's MOM wants to be the first for such things and not you. That's not right IMO. Also- it doens't matter if they were married or not. The child is still hers too.

I got the same impression that this is what OP is up against. I"m guessing its viewed that because DS and girlfriend didn't get hitched the girlfriend is a second class citizen? Obvious that this is a very bitter situation-at least that is the way the post came across to me.

 

[SeptemberGirl]

There's whiskey in the jar and valium in my purse.

flipflop, that cracked me up!

To be honest, this thread made my stomach hurt - b/c I have this woman as a MIL, too. Not down the street from me, thank God, but close enough.

I really do love her, but it's been difficult to like her since I had a child. She pays lip service to my mothering but does whatever the hell she wants anyway. I could go on and on for days (just ask my poor girlfriends!) but I won't!

We have been working on boundaries b/c finally my DH sees my point. I joke that everyone's getting fences for Christmas b/c we need some boundaries! He and I are finally on the same page - but is she? I think not. And she may never be, but if we can get to some expected, agreed upon behavior, I can live with her not understanding.

I don't think I'd go - I'd want to, I could use a paid-for vacation - but I think I'd tell her that we want to plan and play our own way, and that they are welcome to meet us there. I won't even say "join" just "meet us" because it implies less control on their part.

I've gone, as recently as Christmas, on her paid for vacations and it always costs me more emotionally than I want to pay.

Good luck with talking to her - I usually make DH do it - I wuss out.

I'm pulling for you! Score one for DIL's the world over!

Oh, and I swear to be a MIL like my mom - has her opinions, but knows it's our life, not hers.

 

[flipflop]

flipflop, that cracked me up!

Must be a Jersey shore thing.

Good for you setting boundaries! Very tough, I know firsthand.

 

[flipflop]

See-now this is what we are talking about. You come off as annoyed because the child's MOM wants to be the first for such things and not you. That's not right IMO. Also- it doens't matter if they were married or not. The child is still hers too.

Very well put.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

My MIL says its "tradition" in their family for the GRandma to take each GC to WDW for the 1st time when they turn 5...I say, I want to go. I want to see my DD's faces when they see Cinderella's castle for the 1st time. I also don't want to wait until my girls are 5 y.o. to go. My DH says to just "let her do it" and we'll go another time. Am I selfish for wanting to go as a family and breaking this "tradition"??? In MY family is a tradition to all go together. I am so scared to speak up... Any ideas/solutions???

Don't give in. I would NEVER EVER EVER allow anything like that to happen in my own family. First of all, I personally would not allow my child (at age 5) to go on vacation without me. Much less with my MIL (LOL)! Nooooooo way! Also, I don't want to miss any magical moments...especially a first Disney moment! Yikes! Heck, I got upset when MIL tried to put my son in a swing for the first time at 9 months old without asking or even telling me (we were at her house and I was just inside the door). Some people may not care either way, but since you do, and you are the mother, you have EVERY RIGHT to insist that you be with your children the first time they see Cinderella's castle. And a bit of advice? Get over the "scared to speak up thing". It will do you and your children NO justice throughout the years. Learn to say your peace and hold your ground now, or you are in for a rocky ride with your MIL! Your husband SHOULD back you up, but don't count on him to do it; he might not. I speak up instantly when something is not acceptable to me, and have from day one; therefore, I have very few problems of this type with my MIL! They can be trained to respect your role as the mother of those children! I guarantee it!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I hurried up the WDW trip. I was truly afraid my parents would take my son to WDW before I could afford to take him and I knew they would call me selfish if I prevented them from going. "Why punish us when we can afford it. You're punishing your son when you can't afford it?"

Wow, that's a really emotionally abusive situation, IMO. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I hope you make some peace with your parents!

 

[sara74]

I would never have missed my kid's first trip to Disney even if Walt himself wanted to take them without me.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[sara74]

How do I explain this woman????..... First of all-- no one if the family challenges or disagrees with this woman b/c it is basically a matriarchal family. However, everyone (including my DH) are pretty easy-going, go with the flow people..... This is the type of person she is...
When we were first dating, she wanted to give my husband (then boyfriend) some money to help him buy a new car- (she was really just furnishing a down payment)... The catch? She got to "help him" pick out the car. Basically, she picked the car b/c she was contributing to it.... My DH didn't care, b/c-" Well, She is helping to buy it afterall...."

When we were first married, she offered to help with a house down payment. (Very generous offer, right?) However, when it came to looking for this new home....SHE wanted to pick it out!!!! Whe n I expressed my frustration to my DH, he said, "Well, she should have a say b/c she is helping us buy the home...." etc......
Long story short, she has a history of offering things with STRINGS attached.... Does this make sense????

HELLO!!! Did you marry my DH in an alternate reality????

We were married 10 years ago and learned early on that we didn't want to be tied up in the strings that were attached to the IL's gifts. Including, but not limited to the gift of a car that we could not even pick out the color (interior or exterior) of! Also the wedding gift of a honeymoon in a location, resort and room of THEIR choosing. We are done with the strings, the last time they tried to give us a gift (cash) we returned the check with a thank you but no thank you note. It was the most liberating thing that we have ever done...



In my family, my stepmom has offered to take each child to WDW when they are 6. Her rules are that she will pay for the kid, the parents are welcome to come along but must pay for themselves. When it was just my brother's twins, she took them alone. Add another niece to the mix the next year, and my sister went along with her daughter for the trip. The planning was shared by the adults that were going. Not sure if the 'tradition' will still be going in 2008, but we have a trip already planned for that year and I will just view the grandparent trip as a nice extra!

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

Memorial Day is coming up.... should I serve wine or heavy cocktails??? I'm laughing, but I'm serious too...
BTW- I went on an overnight trip with MIL (long story) and totally wussed out on bringing up WDW.
Maybe I should have my 3 y.o. bring it up....I'll have her twirl around the room in her princess dress or something.

 

[flipflop]

Memorial Day is coming up.... should I serve wine or heavy cocktails??? I'm laughing, but I'm serious too...
BTW- I went on an overnight trip with MIL (long story) and totally wussed out on bringing up WDW.
Maybe I should have my 3 y.o. bring it up....I'll have her twirl around the room in her princess dress or something.

How about sangria, heavy on the brandy?

 

[Trentmom]

Memorial Day is coming up.... should I serve wine or heavy cocktails??? I'm laughing, but I'm serious too...
BTW- I went on an overnight trip with MIL (long story) and totally wussed out on bringing up WDW.
Maybe I should have my 3 y.o. bring it up....I'll have her twirl around the room in her princess dress or something.

Heavy, but not heavy enough where she won;t remember your discussion....

Oh man, you had the perfect opportunity.....hope you get another one soon...

good idea about your daugher bringing it up......

 

[Trentmom]

BUMP...

So, it is Memorial day Weekend, you having a BBQ with your MIL tomorrow or Monday?

You got the cocktails ready?

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

Wish me luck!

 

[Chrissie-riel]

Wish me luck!

GOOD LUCK! GOOD LUCK! GOOD LUCK!

And when it starts to get scary with her, just be strong and remember that we are all here and got your back! There are hundreds of moms (and others) here on the DIS that are pulling for you.......