HELP!!! MIL wants to take my DC's to WDW alone!!!!

[Trentmom]

GEESH I couldn't find the darn thread or I would've posted sooner!!!

Here is what we decided. WE are going in the spring 2008 whether the IL's go or not.
We are going..I'll start planning soon, but I'm not going to rush into anything.

After about 3 cocktails each(pomengranite martinis), I mention to MIL, "So we are thinking this Spring.... We want to go before it gets super hot and before most schools let out." She goes, " Go where?" (like its never been talked about before). "Disneyworld. We are going. You may want to check your schedule if you'd like to plan a group vacay thing- if not, we can all go together another time. But we are for sure going sometime in the Spring." She says, "Well, let me know when you nail down some dates..."

That was IT. No brawl. No tears.

Shortly thereafter, she tries to control a totally different situation... I will quickly explain...
The IL's graciously offer to watch our kids for 4 days in early July, so DH and I can go somewhere, ANYWHERE for a short getaway. We are still undecided as to where we will go. MIL quickly begged us to go up to Lake Winnepesaukie (In New Hampshire) to visit a relative of hers so that she doesn't have to make the trip. If we do it, she'll pay for our whole 4 day vacay, airfare, lodging, food etc......
Of course, DH is once again saying, "Why not? Lets do it."
I politely decline her "offer" via email 2 days ago and have not heard from her since.
There are always STRINGS attached to everything this woman dangles in our face! Everything always seems nice and gracious, but then she pulls out a big bag of stipulations. You think she is mad??

Great JOb!!!!! So proud you stood your ground...

I am sure you are aware, but March and april are super crowded with all the school spring breaks and such.

So, early may is an awesome time to go....that is when I went this year and last and the crowds were great!!!

Just my two cents, as I want you and your DH to have a great trip with your DD!!!!!

 

[Trentmom]

Good for you! But don't be surprised if you take her up on her offer of a vacation and she says "well, since you'll be away maybe I'll just take DGD on a short trip to WDW" You are smart to decline the offers of money. I hope your trip planning turns out great!

OMG.....didn't even think of that.

MOM...be careful..........If she were to take your DD to WDW, while you and DH go away, I wouldn't speak to her for a LONG LONg Time, if ever....

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

Good for you! But don't be surprised if you take her up on her offer of a vacation and she says "well, since you'll be away maybe I'll just take DGD on a short trip to WDW" You are smart to decline the offers of money. I hope your trip planning turns out great!

Wait....I didn't think of that..... no... she wouldn't dare. Not without my permission. Isn't that illegal? Taking a kid across state lines??? No way. She wouldn't. Would she? Maybe I'll make a joke out of it when we go to drop them off at the Il's house, " So you aren't going to take my daughters to Disney are you?"

I was actually thinking about going to Disneyworld with just my DH for those couple of days. My DH thinks it'll be too hot.

THanks for the constant support- God knows I need it from someone!

 

[Trentmom]

Wait....I didn't think of that..... no... she wouldn't dare. Not without my permission. Isn't that illegal? Taking a kid across state lines??? No way. She wouldn't. Would she? Maybe I'll make a joke out of it when we go to drop them off at the Il's house, " So you aren't going to take my daughters to Disney are you?"

I was actually thinking about going to Disneyworld with just my DH for those couple of days. My DH thinks it'll be too hot.

THanks for the constant support- God knows I need it from someone!

I would just call your mil like 2 times a day while you are gone, and see what the background noise sounds like......if it sounds like chaos, then they may very well be in Disney....

I would be FURIOUS if she tookd them...That could be considered kidnapping....

It would be nice if you took a 4 day trip to disney...

It would be hot, but you could just take it easy and do adult stuff....plus figure out what great stuff you want to plan for your family vacation next year....

 

[mumom95]

MOM....I have been following this thread, and haven't posted until now, but just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel and you've got my (and everyone else on heres) support. Vent all you want, I totally understand. Heck, you venting makes me feel better because it lets me know I'm not the only one in this situation. And it is hard to vent at home because dh just doesn't get it sometimes.

So, just get it all out. And know that you are helping some of us who are following this thread.

 

[gris gris]

I didn't read the whole thread....but I wanted to say that my grandparents took me to Disney World when I was 5 for my first trip, without my parents. If my parents had said they couldn't take me, I would not have so many great memories of my first WDW trip. I remember a ton of what happened on that trip when I was 5. The next time I went I was 8, and that was with my parents, and I don't remember so much about that trip. Everyone does what is right for everyone in their family, I just wanted to say I'm glad my parents didn't say no.

 

[DLBDS]

I would be freaking out if this had been suggested to me. No way. Definitely say something. FWIW, I offered to take my SIL and her 1-1/2 year old with us this past week and her DH didn't want her to go 'cause he wanted to be a part of his son's first WDW experience.....even if he never remembered it. I totally understood and agreed with him. It's more for you than the child anyway. Your MIL would be taking this experience away from YOU.

 

[guelde96]

Way to go!
Just wanted to put in my two cents about going in the spring. We went the end of Feb beginning of March. Weather was great. Not too hot, not too cold. Crowds were great too. We also went the week before Easter horrible crowds Have a great trip!

 

[Nynaeve]

Good for you! But don't be surprised if you take her up on her offer of a vacation and she says "well, since you'll be away maybe I'll just take DGD on a short trip to WDW" You are smart to decline the offers of money. I hope your trip planning turns out great!

That was my first thought too when I read that. And here I was thinking that that would be paranoid. I'd watch carefully for this trick. And, if you suspect, maybe make it only an overnight trip, or do the 4 days next year instead.

But, good for you, for putting your foot down and stating how it's going to be!!! It's probably a weight off you shoulders!!

 

[flipflop]

Wait....I didn't think of that..... no... she wouldn't dare. Not without my permission. Isn't that illegal? Taking a kid across state lines??? No way. She wouldn't. Would she? Maybe I'll make a joke out of it when we go to drop them off at the Il's house, " So you aren't going to take my daughters to Disney are you?"

I was actually thinking about going to Disneyworld with just my DH for those couple of days. My DH thinks it'll be too hot.

THanks for the constant support- God knows I need it from someone!

Good call Mouse House. I would just make sure you know her plans for while you are away. Good job, Mom!! Way to set barriers with the MIL. I am cheering for you in my office. It was also very smart to not accept money from her for your 4 day trip.

 

[kimis]

My MIL says its "tradition" in their family for the GRandma to take each GC to WDW for the 1st time when they turn 5...I say, I want to go. I want to see my DD's faces when they see Cinderella's castle for the 1st time. I also don't want to wait until my girls are 5 y.o. to go. My DH says to just "let her do it" and we'll go another time. Am I selfish for wanting to go as a family and breaking this "tradition"??? In MY family is a tradition to all go together. I am so scared to speak up... Any ideas/solutions???

In our family I am the MIL. I would never want to take any special moments away from the memories my son and daughter in law make with their children. In our family my dh and I take our grandchildren to DL when they turn 4 years old for a special birthday. All our adult kids know that so they can and do take their own kids for the first time if they want to before they turn 4. We do other things to make it special like order a birthday basket delivered to the room the the grandchild, go to Mr. Pat T Cakes birthday party and many other things. My dh and I would rather do it this way (taking one child at a time) because the trips ends up being all about them. So as tradition around here goes we will be taking one of our granddaughters in Dec to DL( she has already been there twice and loves it ofcourse.LOL) and our grandson to DL in January.
I am sure (at least I hope) if you shared your feelings with your MIL she would understand. Just remind her how important it was for her to make memories with her children when they were young. GOod luck

 

[Worfiedoodles]

So glad to see how you handled this...I think you did a great job!

And do be vigilant...she's not going to change, so you are going to have to keep those boundaries up!

 

[Zoemakes5]

In our family I am the MIL. I would never want to take any special moments away from the memories my son and daughter in law make with their children. In our family my dh and I take our grandchildren to DL when they turn 4 years old for a special birthday. All our adult kids know that so they can and do take their own kids for the first time if they want to before they turn 4. We do other things to make it special like order a birthday basket delivered to the room the the grandchild, go to Mr. Pat T Cakes birthday party and many other things. My dh and I would rather do it this way (taking one child at a time) because the trips ends up being all about them. So as tradition around here goes we will be taking one of our granddaughters in Dec to DL( she has already been there twice and loves it ofcourse.LOL) and our grandson to DL in January.

I think doing that is GREAT! Having that special time with your grandkids is wonderful, for both of you. It seems like, on it's face, that's the same that OP's MIL does, though. When they're 5, grandparents take the gc. I wonder how you would respond if one of your children came to you and said "we can't afford to take d.c. before their fourth b-day" or "I feel uncomfortable letting him/her go for that long without us", or "I don't think dc is ready for that kind of trip, I want to wait." Would you gracefully bow out? Wait for a future trip, say a 6th birthday? Offer to bring parents along? I imagine, looking at it from the grandparent's view, this is something you've enjoyed experiencing with all of your grandchildren without major concern and I bet it would throw you a bit and disappoint you to not be able to take them all at that time. There would have to be a sense of "well we were okay for all the other ones, why not this one?"
It just worked out for us oddly that we took all three of our kids when they were really little to one Disney or another. Though, DS2 didn't see WDW until he was 6, he had been to DLR twice by that point. But, many many of our friends would not have been in a position to take their children before they were 4 (especially with younger siblings coming pretty quickly with their first ones), and wouldn't have wanted to spend that kind money if/when they had it at that age, they would have wanted to wait until they would have some memory of it before then.
While I LOVE the idea of grandparents going with g.c. and I did it many many times with mine, I would be upset not being there for the firsts.

 

[daisax]

One thing I haven't seen suggested is that if she wants to pay for a big extended family thing, suggest instead that they "host" certain activities for the group, rather than the hotel/airfare, etc. For example, she could take the kids to a Princess breakfast, and have her alone time with them then. And she could host a fireworks cruise, or Hoop-de-Doo for everybody, thus creating "everybody time" that isn't so personally oppressive.

Other than that, I'd make it clear that the individual families will all have scheduled time with Grandma, and scheduled time with their nuclear families.

We did a trip (My mom and I) with my sister and her husband and children, and it worked out fine. We'd arrive at a park together, do a handful of rides, then split up for the rest of the day. One night we took the kids so we could enjoy them and take them to Hoop De Doo, then back to our resort for the night so we had them from late afternoon through the evening, overnight, then the next morning, where we met DS and DBIL after lunch, having given them an evening and morning alone to do as they pleased.

We also did the first half of the Halloween party together, then split up. We shared a bit of the magic, but they were able to have their OWN vacation, as were we.

 

[kaysmommie]

You did and awesome job handling the situation. Yes I agree with the others find out what her plans are while you and your DH are away, just in case. Glad everything worked out so far.

 

[seawitch0313]

I've been following your thread for a while. I had a MIL strikingly similar to yours, maybe related even! Now she's my XMIL,
Mine did the same things, got me all toked up on something then when I'm finally ready to stand my ground she's like 'What are we talking about again?'
I see alot of 'But wouldn't your daughter have fun regardless and shouldn't you make it about her?' comments. Way I see it Gramma ain't making it about her, and if you take her then you can sure its a trip about her and not about Grammas wishes

She would try and get in on the kids 'fun things' too, like she'd take them to see Santa and the Easter bunny asap and I wouldn't know about it till I saw the picture hanging on their fridge(and she'd be on santas lap right next to them!!!) . And I found out on his second halloween (he was only 3 weeks old his first one so that didn't really count) when I had him out his first time trick or treating she had been trying to hunt us down and thankfully never found us. I made clear right away, Halloween is *my* hoiday, you may poach santa sittings, but you ain't messing with my trick or treating

She used to taunt me about 'never having a girl' too. She had 3 sons so she told me thats all I'd have too (I had hoped for a girl the first time) Then 6 months after my divorce my X had another kid (quick work wasn't it?) and it was a girl and she was all over that. Seems she treated me that way cause she had wanted girls herself and wanted to live vicariously thru her grandkids. I found out about her new granddaughter a few days after she was born(my X told no one until after she was born, allegedly it was a 'one night stand') and immediately told my mother who works where I do(and my XMIL at the time too) Told her I wanted to tell her before she found out at work and she said' 'Oh XMIL has more tact than that doesn't she?' I said 'No you just wait..' Sure enough the next time she worked she was showing off pictures to my stunned coworkers (my divorce was rather slippery and fresh with them)and gushing about being able to buy pink now. My coworkers had no idea what to say to me or my mom. Thankfully soon after she 'sick-called' her way out of a job so I don't have to see or hear about her there anymore.

 

[Nancyg56]

In our family I am the MIL. I would never want to take any special moments away from the memories my son and daughter in law make with their children. In our family my dh and I take our grandchildren to DL when they turn 4 years old for a special birthday. All our adult kids know that so they can and do take their own kids for the first time if they want to before they turn 4. We do other things to make it special like order a birthday basket delivered to the room the the grandchild, go to Mr. Pat T Cakes birthday party and many other things. My dh and I would rather do it this way (taking one child at a time) because the trips ends up being all about them. So as tradition around here goes we will be taking one of our granddaughters in Dec to DL( she has already been there twice and loves it ofcourse.LOL) and our grandson to DL in January.
I am sure (at least I hope) if you shared your feelings with your MIL she would understand. Just remind her how important it was for her to make memories with her children when they were young. GOod luck

I am a MIL as well, and have been following this thread. I have only one GC, so we have no real traditions established. I think that you try to handle your family traditions with respect toward your childrens spouse's wishes. That seems to be missing with the MIL in this situation. She has not fostered a relationship in which her DDIL can share her concerns and desires. Grandchildren are a special trust. They are the gift and should be treated with special care. My DD and DSIL have never denied DH and I the opportunity to enjoy our DGD but we can hear "No" without a major meltdown.

For this trip to work, the MIL needs to realize that her DIL wants to share this experience, and not only should she be respected, her desire should be embraced. This could be a wonderful family experience, but if it turns into a tug-of -war to determine who is in charge of this family I can assure the MIL that she will lose in the long term.

The way that you have planned your special trip truly revolves around giving your GC a magical time with your GC at the heart of the plan. This is way different than planning a vacation in order to own the first memory a child has of a magical place.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am a MIL as well, and have been following this thread. I have only one GC, so we have no real traditions established. I think that you try to handle your family traditions with respect toward your childrens spouse's wishes. That seems to be missing with the MIL in this situation. She has not fostered a relationship in which her DDIL can share her concerns and desires. Grandchildren are a special trust. They are the gift and should be treated with special care. My DD and DSIL have never denied DH and I the opportunity to enjoy our DGD but we can hear "No" without a major meltdown.

For this trip to work, the MIL needs to realize that her DIL wants to share this experience, and not only should she be respected, her desire should be embraced. This could be a wonderful family experience, but if it turns into a tug-of -war to determine who is in charge of this family I can assure the MIL that she will lose in the long term.

The way that you have planned your special trip truly revolves around giving your GC a magical time with your GC at the heart of the plan. This is way different than planning a vacation in order to own the first memory a child has of a magical place.

This was wonderfully said. We try to include all the grandparents in many events but there are times when we want to do things alone. Nothing against them, but we are a family too. You sound like a great MIL. You get it. I can only hope that when my children are older that I am a good MIL because in the end, they are never going to leave their wife/husband for Mom and I would never ever want them to. I have been lucky with a great MIL as well.

 

[Chrissie-riel]

Hey "MOM"....since you want to go to WDW next spring but are unsure of exactly when, I am going to cast my vote for Mother's Day. I went last year with my kids and DH over Mother's Day and it was truly magical - my best mom's day ever!! We had breakfast w/Mickey, Pluto, Lilo & Stitch at 'OHanas and then spent the day at MK. We arranged for the very last lunch ressie at the Castle - it was soo cool to be the very last family waiting to go upstairs. My DD got to have one on one time with Cinderella, including "Princess lessons" on how to curtsy and twirl. The crowds were pretty light at all the parks - walked on to almost everything. Might also be a way to work around the MIL....maybe she just wouldn't want to spend her Mother's Day at the World?? Good luck!

 

[Henneman's]

so ive been intrigue with this thread and thought hmm maybe ill put in my two cents well its kinda hard for me to take sides since i dont have a mil( my hubbys mom past away 10 years ago) im sometimes super sad that my son doesnt have his grandma so she could fuss over him! yes he has my mom which is easier so my mom doesnt have to share him and i dont have to deal with jealoulsy between IL's! Both grandpa's are super easy going so we are lucky but at the same time since we are a airforce we are not by family and i soooo miss having them around! WE did do disney last yr just us three but at one time my mom was planning on going and i had to convince my hubby about the benfits! having a babysitter so my hubby and i could also enjoy ourselves and we wouldnt have to swap for the rides that we wanted to get on plus my mom and my son could also have there own time since they only see eachother maybe twice a year if that! but it didnt pan out and we had a wonderfultime just us three and we are going again just us three this year! we wanted other family to come but they either cant afford to or just dont want to do disney for 8 days! ( i know i know i wish i could go longer)! i do have a sil who we call motherhen becuase she feels that she is now in charge on the family since there mom is not around!!! i get along with her and i know its because im passive at least with his family! i so believe in the theory that u handle ur family and ill handle mine but our family is always first!!! she can mother me at times but i think its because she is older then me and i have to tell charise i do have my own mom, and i know what im doing!! she understand and i have to understand she does it with good intention! so my advice is go be the better person ur husband will love you more because u shared such important first with his mom! and believe me it will be easier for you and just think ill plan another trip for just us! and your teaching ur childern that oneday they will have children and they will want you to experience their first things with thier childern togather because that how they were raised! being a mom never stops even when childern are grown remeber oneday we will be grandmas and they are part of oUR childern and we want to be invloved with everything then tooo!!! plus think she did raise ur hubby and he turned out alright u married him! i only hope that my son and i will always be close i know i might be marie when he older and married but i know i always have good intentions tooo!!

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sorry for the long novel and sorry if offend anyone its just my opinion!!!