Help with 4yo. - Won't stay in room at bed time

[Poohforyou]

Let's not start judging how people help their kids get to sleep. What works, works, as many have attested on this thread. Someone could just as easily say, "What happens when the blankie gets lost?", or "It's weird for a 19 year-old to sleep with a blankie & mommy's shirt under the bed." But there's no need as that's what was effective for that child, and every child is different. You're a good, responsive parent, as are others who choose to personally be there at night when their children fall asleep. What works, works.

My 19 year old doesn't sleep with her blankie and my shirt. She's away at college and they're here at home. I found them in a box of childhood keepsakes under her bed.

My point was to think hard before starting something that might be a many years commitment without exhausting other options.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

My 19 year old doesn't sleep with her blankie and my shirt. She's away at college and they're here at home. I found them in a box of childhood keepsakes under her bed.

My point was to think hard before starting something that might be a many years commitment without exhausting other options.

Parenting is a many years commitment, and parenting a foster to adopt child is a many years commitment with lots of extra hoops to jump through. Eventually the child will want to sleep on their own, it will just take some time.

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks for all the ideas. As foster parents we aren't allowed to co-sleep with our son. Its one of the first things they teach you when training to take on a foster child. After he is ours we can do what we want but we are tied up with the legal side of this for at least another year. I think the consensus is that we should try getting comfy in his room until he falls asleep. We will try that and let you know how it goes.

You sound like you’re on-track to be an amazing mom and I wish you all the best.

I’m not sure if this is your first and only child but with mine, I spent waaaay too much time and energy trying to do everything “right” and have his behaviour be “right” in every situation. I’d do a lot differently now and in your case I’d be tempted to just hold that little dear one close, stroke his hair and sing in his ear until he drifted off. The time will very soon enough come where you won’t be needed in that capacity any more.

That may be the wrong answer, but all that to say “give yourself a break” and try not to worry about either of you being perfect.

 

[cinnaminny]

When my youngest was 3, I would sit on the end of his bed with a book (and a book light) reading. Otherwise he would just get up, he had a pretty severe speech disorder, but I don't think that is why he wouldn't stay in bed.

Remember this time will pass really very quickly. Just do what you feel is best. It will be okay.

You sound like you’re on-track to be an amazing mom and I wish you all the best.

I’m not sure if this is your first and only child but with mine, I spent waaaay too much time and energy trying to do everything “right” and have his behaviour be “right” in every situation. I’d do a lot differently now and in your case I’d be tempted to just hold that little dear one close, stroke his hair and sing in his ear until he drifted off. The time will very soon enough come where you won’t be needed in that capacity any more.

That may be the wrong answer, but all that to say “give yourself a break” and try not to worry about either of you being perfect.

My older kids are 10 years older than my youngest, and this rings so true. My first two I wanted to do everything "right". I now feel I was way too tough on them. Looking back I would change everything and I did with my youngest.

 

[VandVsmama]

My YDD is 10. When she was 3, she & ODD started sharing a room because they wanted to sleep in the same bedroom and because they were both scared & lonely in their own bedrooms. 7 yr later, they still love being roommates. Despite that, YDD would want me to climb in bed w/her and snuggle until she fell asleep. I indulged that for a little bit and then I moved to sitting on the floor right next to her bed and I'd put my arm on the bed. She would snuggle up against that. When I did that, she'd be out like a light, fast asleep within 5 min or less. Then it gradually changed to she would just put her hand on top of my hand on the bed and bingo, out like a light. 7 yr later, she & I still do this most nights at bedtime. Rather than seeing it as a pain in the neck, we both look forward to this because it's quiet parent & child time and she has my undivided attention...this is when she usually unloads about stuff that's bothering her or tells me something interesting that happened at school that day.

When she was much younger and we were doing story time at bed time every night, I'd read the story while she'd touch my hand on the bed.

My kids also sleep better with a white noise machine...always have...it helps drown out sounds like the TV. Just something else to consider.

Of course, there's also the obvious like make sure there's some sort of night light in the room if he's scared of the dark. When my kids were 4, they were afraid of monsters in the dark, so we went through a phase where I'd get out the "monster spray" (a spray bottle with water or a can of air freshener). You know...because monsters don't like things that smell nice. It turned it into a game. I'd have them yell and shout at the monsters while they were doing this and that seemed to do the trick. By the time YDD was 5, the monsters under the bed phase went away.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's been three months. Three LONG months and our 4yo refuses to stay in bed.

Let me preface this by saying we are preadoptive parents. We have had our son for 18 months. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been in therapy for two months. He is great 80% of the time. He's very well spoken, very social, polite, smart and observant.

We have tried everything you'd find on the internet. We've asked our therapist for advice and so far nothing she's suggested is working.

His therapist said he has expressed that he feels anxiety at bedtime and my guess is he doesn''t like to be alone. From what I've observed he seems to be focused on me while he's exhibiting these behaviors. He will hide in the next room smiling and then peek and look in my direction. We repeatedly take him upstairs and he will come downstairs up until we go to bed. Lately he has gotten more brazen and will walk right up next to me.

Does anyone have any idea of how we can build his confidence or whatever he needs to help him?

Be consistent, empathetic, loving, and aware of his mental issues. Be realistic. There is no time limit. You work on until...

With our oldest dd, we played "cassette tapes", with the books on tape. That was the thing that finally worked, go figure.

My youngest dd who is 22yo now, slept with one of my PJs forever and she still has it. It is called "Silky".

You have to find your own way. Change stuff around in your routine as well. Everyone has to find a new normal and then stick to it so it is familiar and reliable.

It has to be working for the adults as well, otherwise the focus shifts from child to parent. Avoid that "tension trap".

Good Luck!

 

[h518may]

It's been three months. Three LONG months and our 4yo refuses to stay in bed.

Let me preface this by saying we are preadoptive parents. We have had our son for 18 months. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been in therapy for two months. He is great 80% of the time. He's very well spoken, very social, polite, smart and observant.

We have tried everything you'd find on the internet. We've asked our therapist for advice and so far nothing she's suggested is working.

His therapist said he has expressed that he feels anxiety at bedtime and my guess is he doesn''t like to be alone. From what I've observed he seems to be focused on me while he's exhibiting these behaviors. He will hide in the next room smiling and then peek and look in my direction. We repeatedly take him upstairs and he will come downstairs up until we go to bed. Lately he has gotten more brazen and will walk right up next to me.

Does anyone have any idea of how we can build his confidence or whatever he needs to help him?

Well I’ve been where your at in several ways. We also did foster to adopt with both my children, though mine both came to us as infants. But dealing with foster care rules definitely adds its own frustrations with situations.

For us DD was very definitely not staying in bed. With her it wasn’t even from fear, it was from not wanting to give into sleep. She is my go go go kid. So I needed some way to get her to stay in the bed long enough to let herself feel tired. So I layed down with her. Now you mention the that’s not allowed, so I could see getting a nice comfy chair to sit in his room. But where others feel that you should be the one in there because he’s fixated on you. I would suggest that if possible you and your DH trade off nights.

Now I have several reasons behind this. One is he needs to understand that you aren’t going to be there every night, what happens when you need to be gone for an evening? Two is that you will need a brake from having to be there every night. Three is that he also needs that bond with your DH.

Someone else mentioned giving him a shirt of yours to sleep with, I might do that also. The reason is that in those times at night where you sleep very lightly, that smell might help settle him back into a deep sleep at a time when he could otherwise become fearful again.

And let me say good luck on everything.

 

[pweyl36]

Since he's so laser focused on me, would it be better if my husband did this or does it really not matter. Or maybe both of us?

No, I think it should be you

 

[clutter]

I'm 100% with the consensus, meet him at his needs.

But another out-of-the-box thought: is he actually ready to go to sleep at his bedtime? I had a night-owl kid that just didn't need as much sleep as the 'norm' when she was about that age. She was completely willing to go to bed at an earlier (more normal) time, but she just couldn't get to sleep until a much later time. Consistently. So I finally moved her bedtime to about a half hour before she naturally fell asleep. It was so much easier on both of us. That said - he daycare provider helped enormously by allowing my dd to 'rest' during the mandatory nap time. If dd fell asleep for as much as 5 minutes, she'd be up an extra 2 hours at night.

Probably not your issue, but I remember it well. Poor kid, she really wanted to go to sleep - it just wasn't going to happen.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thanks for all the ideas. As foster parents we aren't allowed to co-sleep with our son. Its one of the first things they teach you when training to take on a foster child. After he is ours we can do what we want but we are tied up with the legal side of this for at least another year. I think the consensus is that we should try getting comfy in his room until he falls asleep. We will try that and let you know how it goes.

Well, the rules are the rules, so you are stuck with them, however since you are allowed in his room, I would do that. My DD and her family stayed with us while they were saving for their home. My DGD was a little bundle of anxiety. I was her caregiver and for a long time I could not be out of her sight. She also was afraid at night, so for a long while after her bath I would let DD and DSIL relax and I would put a Disney movie on for her and play it very softly. AT first I would stay with her, especially at naptime, but after a while she would be okay with the movie and not need her Mom or me in there.

In your case I would get a reading device that has it's own light, leave a nightlight on in the room, and cozy up with a book. No talking, just you and your soft light. Whatever is triggering his anxiety, bedtime is no time to take a stand. For now he needs the security your presence gives him.

My 19 year old doesn't sleep with her blankie and my shirt. She's away at college and they're here at home. I found them in a box of childhood keepsakes under her bed.

My point was to think hard before starting something that might be a many years commitment without exhausting other options.

If the commitment goes on for years because a parent is addressing a trauma a child suffer, so be it. FWIW, we got all kinds of pushback from DD"s grandmother and aunt about "spoiling" Kady. DD finally old them in no uncertain terms to go pound sand, and I was glad she did. Children who have suffered trauma, and trauma can occur in so many ways, (my DGD was diagnosed with failure to thrive, and had acid reflux so bad that she was on adult measures of reflux medication, and seeing her pediatric gastroenterologist monthly and pediatrician weekly, and had countless endoscopies) so how these children deal with them is personal. Why make children suffer more in order to avoid a consequence that will not likely occur once the anxiety is alleviated?

I find the practice of letting kids "cry it out" or deal alone with their fear outdated and detrimental to children.

 

[dakotix]

I dont know what his background or needs are.. But assuming he is traumitized, and focused on you, give him what he needs. Kids are usually more focused anyways to the mother. that is not unsual. Good luck with the adoption. sounds like this kids hit the lotto with you guys.

Thanks for the tips. We are a two dad family but I am definitely the "mom". Tonight the plan is to stay his room for a bit until he falls asleep. Now my question is should I do that right off the bat or wait until he comes downstairs? I'd like him to have to opportunity each night to be on his own so that eventually, some day, he won't feel the need to come downstairs. Am I overthinking?

 

[DLgal]

Throw down an air mattress in your bedroom and let him sleep there until he is ready to sleep alone in his room. My nephew (a completely typically developing child, by the way), did this until he was 7.5. Some kids just get very scared at night, especially only children who have their own room. I still get scared at night when my husband isn't home...and I'm 40.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thanks for the tips. We are a two dad family but I am definitely the "mom". Tonight the plan is to stay his room for a bit until he falls asleep. Now my question is should I do that right off the bat or wait until he comes downstairs? I'd like him to have to opportunity each night to be on his own so that eventually, some day, he won't feel the need to come downstairs. Am I overthinking?

I'd stay from the outset and work toward eventually leaving earlier and earlier
Otherwise it might feel like a reward for getting out of bed

 

[serenitynow]

One of my kids had trouble getting to sleep and staying in his bed at night. I was exhausted and so frustrated staying his room every night until he fell asleep then tiptoeing out of the room.

After trying many different tactics, what finally worked for us was treating bedtime like a ritual. A cup of hot chocolate before 8 o’clock bedtime. Kiss child, kiss stuffed animal, tuck both into bed. Start the portable CD player with the soundtrack from the movie “Cars”, leave the room. At first, when he would bounce back out of the room like whack a mole, we took his hand, quietly walked him back to his room, tuck him and stuffed animal back in bed, kiss, kiss, leave room. We didn’t get into a conversation with him or allow the “I’m thirsty”sip of water. Just a boring walk back to his room to repeat the tuck in routine.

Always 8 o’clock bedtime, always cup of cocoa, always kiss, always same animal, always same Cars CD.

It was his pediatrician that suggested the idea of a strict bedtime routine to help him “train” his body to the slow down nighttime rhythm of the night, helping him to fall asleep.

Every kid is different. Just hang in there, you’ll find your answer that works for your child.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

All three of my kids insisted I lay with them until they fell asleep. This went on for at least 4 years each unless I took them to bed with me. There's nothing wrong with that. You have to what's best for your child. I understand you aren't able to do that at this time so I would really stay in your son's room until he goes to sleep. I used to have to sneak out of my kids' rooms on my hands and knees praying that they wouldn't wake up and catch me.

Eventually they did fall asleep on their own but they were all over four when they slept independently. It's completely normal for them to want you near when they go to sleep and lucky are the parents who are able to tuck their little ones in with a kiss and leave the room until morning.

Give your child what he needs (within the fostering laws) and don't worry about him not outgrowing needing you there at night.

 

[mousefan73]

Thanks for the tips. We are a two dad family but I am definitely the "mom". Tonight the plan is to stay his room for a bit until he falls asleep. Now my question is should I do that right off the bat or wait until he comes downstairs? I'd like him to have to opportunity each night to be on his own so that eventually, some day, he won't feel the need to come downstairs. Am I overthinking?

No you’re not overthinking. Lol of course you are ! but that’s what parents do. I was just thinking what what I do in your situation. I think I would do it from the start tonight. Tell him hey we are trying something new. At age 4 he’s able to understand things so I would just say hey tonight we’re gonna do a new bedtime routine and to read him a story, make it fun, an adventure. And say listen I’m gonna stay here with you until you fall asleep as this is my time also to relax or chill or something. I think by letting him just come back down again as usual you’re reinforcing the behavior that he’s been doing. I think your kid will notice that you’re meeting him halfway and are willing to try something new. Try and make it all fun and exciting kids love that.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thanks for the tips. We are a two dad family but I am definitely the "mom". Tonight the plan is to stay his room for a bit until he falls asleep. Now my question is should I do that right off the bat or wait until he comes downstairs? I'd like him to have to opportunity each night to be on his own so that eventually, some day, he won't feel the need to come downstairs. Am I overthinking?

Good luck! Keep us posted on how he responds.

 

[dakotix]

No you’re not overthinking. Lol of course you are ! but that’s what parents do. I was just thinking what what I do in your situation. I think I would do it from the start tonight. Tell him hey we are trying something new. At age 4 he’s able to understand things so I would just say hey tonight we’re gonna do a new bedtime routine and to read him a story, make it fun, an adventure. And say listen I’m gonna stay here with you until you fall asleep as this is my time also to relax or chill or something. I think by letting him just come back down again as usual you’re reinforcing the behavior that he’s been doing. I think your kid will notice that you’re meeting him halfway and are willing to try something new. Try and make it all fun and exciting kids love that.

I hope this works. We've always incorporated a routine at bedtime so this will just be part of it for a while. He's been awesome up until a few months ago as far as sleep. The therapist says that because of his past trauma and that he now is comfortable with us and considers us his parents that he is more comfortable and that it is actually perfectly natural for this stuff to be happening now. Crossing my fingers. I'll have to find a good book to read. Reading makes me sleep though...lol maybe if i fall asleep he will do the same!

 

[BLAZEY]

With DD now 9 one of us did stay with her in her room until she fell asleep. I had a glider chair from when I nursed her that stay in her room until just before she turned 4. We would do her bed routine and one of us would stay with her until she fell asleep. Gradually we moved to being in the kitchen across the hall where she could hear but not see us. We still give her a little cuddle now at age 9 but the cat stays with her until feeding time just before I go to bed. How long are we talking about? is it hours that he needs you to stay or are we talking about 15-30 minutes after lights out? Kids sleep better when they feel secure and making making sure his needs are met is important.

I think by letting him just come back down again as usual you’re reinforcing the behavior that he’s been doing.

I would just stay with him from the start until he falls asleep. My reasoning is that hime getting up out of bed disrupts any relaxing routine you did before heading downstairs because he get anxious enough to come get you. he may fall asleep faster knowing you're still there with him.

 

[mousefan73]

Didn’t you also post that he comes downstairs at night. Which means you’re sleeping rooms are upstairs and living area downstairs. Our house is also the same layout.I think for my kids it was also the distance from their bedrooms to our living room. You really have to scream loud to get the person to hear you downstairs.

So what I did is either stay with them in their room but as They got older I would purposely save things like folding laundry until night time and then I would be in my bedroom with my lights on folding laundry, straightening up etc. and the kids would be in their room with their doors open trying to fall asleep. Of course they would always yell out mama are you still there and I would say yeah I’m folding laundry. So one idea is maybe first test not actually being in the room with him but maybe just being across the hall. that just might be the right distance to make him feel more comfortable knowing that you’re within an earnshot away