Lesli's Live Long and Strong WISH Journal

[pearlieq]

Well you survived the meeting! It sounds like even though you weren't able to reach an agreement, everyone kept a cool head.

It's darn near impossible to tell a 19 year old anything. Some things she may have to learn from the school of hard knocks. It sounds like you and your DH are taking a firm but reasonable line with her. How she chooses to respond is up to her.

I hope you had a happy new year celebration and are feeling refreshed and ready to move forward!

 

[goldcupmom]

I feel your pain, Lesli, and I 'hear' it in your 'voice'. Believe me I understand and if you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me!

Hope you have a Happy, Healthy, ACCIDENT FREE, New Year!! You've come so far this year, it's amazing.

You & your family are in my thoughts & prayers!

 

[Lesli54]

Thanks for the well wishes, guys.

New Years Eve.......DD19 calls and says she is coming home. I thanked God for miracles....a bit too early. She said that she was going to quit being so stubborn. I took that to mean that she new she was making mistakes and was admitting that she needed to do something different.........WRONG!

DD17 and I took inventory at the dollar store while DH worked the grocery store. Later, we went to Bennigan's where I had French Onion soup (too salty) and a Ceasar Salad (very good). Amazingly DD19 went with us. Then we went to see the movie Eragon (DD19 skipped out as she had other plan, not a problem). We liked the movie. After coming home, the kids did a small celebration with hats and party poppers before going to bed. Not a bad night for the most part.

Well, DH and I talked to DD19 to find out what had changed. The reason why she is back. She says it is the right thing......bottom line after talking about a number of things, she is not happy to be here but says that she must make us happy and if she is here then we might pay for college. Hmmmmm. Sounds like someone who just wants money. Her attitude towards making this all work is bad and she has pretty much determined for herself that she will be miserable, which is apparent. This attitude rubbing off on the rest of the family has us deeply concerned.

New Years Day.........I started the day out well and went to work. My plan for the day was to eat decent meals. Yeah, well after DH and I got done discussing DD19 and her real intent, I think I ate everything in sight. We are on the same page, but we are just unsure of what she is really going to do. Our guesses is that she will not be here much more than 2 weeks. Yesterday, she got up and left the house with I won't be back late......Is after 1:00 am early? We figure that she is going to be gone during all her waking hours, therefore not really dealing with the difficulties between us and her.

Today......I went to a DAR meeting, then met DD19 briefly to get her signature on one of her bank accounts. She thinks I was holding her money from her, but I completely forgot that she never signed since the acct was set up as a minor acct so many years ago. I have always taken care of any transactions she needed since she was usually at school, so it was just an oversight. The things these kids come up with. If she spends it all, then she won't have a cushion, that's for her to figure out, but it is her money that she earned over the years. Can't win. Eating has been so, so. Breakfast was 1 egg, ham, a sm croissant, and grapefruit juice. Brunch (at the meeting) was ham & egg casserole, strawberries, bananas, and oranges, a piece of coffee cake, and water. I didn't need lunch. But I have been chowing down the M&M's and chips. Who knows what tonight will bring, but I do have a lot of work. Thankfully, the kids go back to school tomorrow.

Plan of action.......I am going to throw out all the candy and cookies that we have around here as soon as I am done with this post. It is not doing me any good or the rest of my family. In fact, DD9 is sneaking it and beginning to lie about it so out it goes.

Still working on my New Year resolutions. They need to be refined. But one thing I did yesterday was to make a list of all the things in the house that I want to finish this year (paint, decorate, build garage, etc). Then I began making a list of items to do for the weekends. Such as this weekend, I hope to paint the back closet ceiling and put in a closet system. That sounds very doable and if we have more time than we can do more, if not, then at least it is done. I figured that maybe we need to break everything down into very small tasks. The weekend after, we can replace the closet doors for that closet, plus do something else. Hopefully, the plan will work.

Everyone have a great evening!

 

[goldcupmom]

Voice of experience here, Lesli.....Make sure your name does not appear ANYWHERE on ANY of her bank accounts or if she writes a bad check, you're liable. Also, in most of the country, if your name is on her vehicle or car insurance is under your policy, you are liable if there is a problem even though she's not a minor. Been there, done that!

Hang in there!

 

[Lesli54]

Thanks for the advice Julie. DD19 owns her car outright, paid for with her money AND I made her get her own insurance, not under us. Some people disagree, but I am tired of paying a high price for insurance on young drivers. If they are responsible enough to own a car then they are responsible enough to pay the "high" cost of insurance as a young driver. I am a signer on her bank accts, can that still affect me even though it is not a joint account? Don't know why she wanted me on there still, but she now has access to her money.

Today has been horrible for food and so so for other activities. I have gotten quite a bit of work done, but personally think I could have done more.

Breakfast was 1 egg, ham, grapefruit juice, and a croissant
Lunch was a croissant, cheetos, chips w/dip, some PB crackers (kind of grazed, not good)
Supper was a qtr lbr w/cheese and some fries. Oh yeah, I ate 2 oreos.
Water has not been good.

Every time, I think I am ready to move along and not let DD19 get to me, she does, then I find myself eating everything. Thank God, I threw out all those candies and cookies. Well, the oreos were meant for the GS meeting and I gave in today. Not only do I now need to replace them, but I now have an open bag to tempt me. Not good.

I personally don't think that DD19 will be here long. Again today she got up and left, after coming in late last night. Not even a good-bye, didn't know she was leaving. To top it off, she is only sleeping on the couch in the basement (family room in progress) and not pulling out the sleeper sofa, plus she hasn't unpacked a thing. Actions speak louder than words. Somehow I have to move on and not let it bug me.

Well, I am off. I need to go up to the dollar store and paint the windows with "Final days 50%". Normally, I would do this tomorrow, but I am not working my usual days this week as I try to catch up with things. Also, I want to scout the shelves and pull off things that I am willing to buy at 40% (such as Barbies, plates for graduation, remote control cars, etc) before all the vultures come in. They won't buy them from me at 40% off, but will go to Walmart to pay more for the same item. So I would rather use them as gifts this year and anything left at the end of the year can go for our local Christmas Angels project. Maybe, I shouldn't think that way, but I do.

Try to check in tomorrow.

 

[CJK]

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and well wishes. You have so much going on right now. I just wanted to say that we're sure thinking about you and wishing you some peace and calm in the very near future.

 

[pearlieq]

Good morning

I'm sorry to hear about all the stress with DD19. I think your instincts are right--it doesn't sound like she's planning to stay very long. I really wish you patience and peace as you both work through this.

I hope your last days at the dollar store go well. I like your plan for what to do with some of the last of the inventory. Using things for the Christmas Angels sounds like a very nice plan.

I hope today is a great day and that you get some time to take care of yourself. Good job getting rid of the excess treats!

 

[Lesli54]

On the plus side of yesterday, I managed to stay busy and get alot accomplished. Didn't eat great, but I wasn't snacking all day either. So, I guess that is good.

Breakfast was a bowl of fruit loops. Lunch was part of a chicken pot pie, shared some with DS and threw the rest out. Supper was pizza, and I know that I ate too many oreos last night w/ milk. There were some nuts in there as well and something else, but at least it wasn't a free for all until the food coma hit.

It was so nice to get so much done yesterday. I did bills (even scheduled most the payments for this month), worked on some bookwork, threw out boxes and wrappers from Christmas that the kids aren't supposed to see, took up alot of mail, returned items via mail (also books ordered for DD19's classes at the University that she isn't doing now), worked late at the store since I was doing PR for an organization that was buying alot for various kid events they do around here, and did a little straightening in my office. Yeah!!

Hopefully, today will be just as good.

DD19 is working on getting herself enrolled at a community college locally. We will see how that works out and when she plans to get a job.

Food plan for today:
Breakfast - 1 egg omelet w/cheese, ham, english muffin, 1 c. grapefruit juice
AM snack - yogurt
Lunch - tuna wrap
PM snack - fruit
Supper - chicken and broccoli ring (I have quite a bit in the freezer that I made ahead) & salad

Goals for the day:
1. Stick to food plan
2. 60 oz water
3. 15 min exercise (time to bring on the Billy Joel! - I am feeling up to it physically!!)
4. Stay busy
5. In bed by 10:30pm

Tonight, I am going to the ball game. DD9 and others are going to perform some cheer routines from the clinic they attended, plus I want to see DD17 cheer and do her half-time dance. I have never seen her do the BB cheerleading since last year I was setting up a store and then I was in the hospital. DH says she is pretty good (he announces the games). I am not a big sports fan, but it will be interesting.

Gotta go. Thankfully, it looks like a nice day.

 

[goldcupmom]

Sorry things aren't improving, Lesli, but it does sound like she's not planning on being around long. VERY VERY hard to deal with & not knowing where they are or what they are doing. Yes, in most states- not sure about IL, if you are a signer, you can be held liable. NOT a fun prospect!!

It's sad your store is closing, but I'm also a bit glad that you will have a bit more time for yourself & the rest of your family. With the DD issues, you likely need it.

Hang in there & ENJOY the others!!

 

[Lesli54]

Yesterday went pretty well. At least given the days I have been having lately.

I missed the AM snack, and had a couple pieces of candy, but in the afternoon when I was running errands, I did go through McD's and I bought a fruit and yogurt parfait. Yeah for me. It was so good to actually eat something with "taste". I missed supper as we had to leave early (at least the kids ate). At the game I shared some popcorn. Later there were 2 oreos. While relaxing last night, I had 1 1/2 glasses of wine, 1 piece chicken broccoli ring, and some cheese. The rest of the food was as planned. Not bad. Water was almost 24 oz. Could do better.

I stayed busy through the day and tied up a lot of loose ends, worked at the store some, and ran errands. Amazingly, I went to bed about 11pm and I was very tired, which is a good thing for me.

Today's food goals:
Breakfast - 1 egg, ham, 1 english muffin, 1 c. grapefruit juice. (I really need to change this up)
AM snack - probably miss while working
Lunch - tuna wrap (have some leftover)
PM snack - yogurt
Supper - maybe potato soup

Goals for the day:
1. 60 oz water
2. In bed by 10:30pm
3. Stay busy!

I have actually put on a few more lbs with the extra DD19 stress, BUT now that I don't have all the junk in the house anymore, it is getting harder to just grab it in the down times, so I think that things will turn around again in terms of weight.

Have a great day!

 

[CJK]

How was the game yesterday? You're doing so well with your eating considering all that is happening around you. Hang in there and keep up all your healthy efforts. We're thinking about you!

 

[Lesli54]

Yesterday was ok on some fronts and not so good on others. I did make it to bed around 11, but I think that I was exhausted mainly from depression caused by DD19. She has been hiding alot of what has been going on down at school and won't talk about anything. You can't even get her to have small talk while passing people in the house, which is rare. Her day consists of avoiding all rooms that anyone is in when she is home, showering, and then leaving for the entire day until she needs to catch a few hours of sleep. I don't even have a basic clue as to how things are going for her schooling plans that she is working on. I also found out that some of the conversations she has had with DD17 have not been sisters just talking, but have also included things that might drive a wedge between DD17 and us. NOT GOOD.

DH was working all day, so I sat with most of this myself until last night when we discussed it. As much as I ate the foods I had planned, I also ate cookies and candy, crackers and nuts, anything I could find. On the plus side, I did stay busy and organized my Christmas ornaments into new organizers. Got rid of some things as well. I am all about organizing this house this year.

DH and I had planned to sit down with DD19 again to re-enforce our house rules and try to figure out what she wants. Well, she never came home again last night, so that tells me she wants to be gone.

I called her this morning to see what she was planning. Oh, it is the same story "well, then I will try harder to be part of the family", or "I'm living there that is what you wanted". The only reason she is here (or should I say her belongings are here is because she wants us to pay for school. I told her that she is just using the situation, but she doesn't think so. So......I told her that she was free to go. Also that I don't agree with the situation, but she is making no attempts to live here, and I don't want her to be pushed further away so that 30 years from now I still don't know where she is. It's a tough call, but I will also not be used solely for the purpose of money. She will have to figure out, much like everyone else how she plans to pay for school. She could get loans, but she dont' want that responsibility, then she will have to work. I don't know what else to do.

This has put DH into such a depression that he is questioning all of our parenting skill. That upsets me because I had horrible parents, which my mother admits to. My grandparents were more like parents to my sister and I than anyone else and we get our values from them. In fact, our grandparents raising us is what saved us, which we can see in our brothers who are much younger and are very messed up. My grandfather passed away when they were young so they didn't have the privilege of having the same upbringing. My sister and I work hard everyday to make sure that our children know that they come from a loving home, to listen to our children, and to give them opportunities to learn about life and the world around them. It just pains me to see DH so upset, which is out of his norm.

DD19 will be stopping by sometime today to pick things up. I have let her know that we will always be here, but I don't know where this will all lead. It scares me. 19 year olds need to come with warning labels.

Breakfast today - 1 egg, ham, english muffin, 1 c. grapefruit juice

Goals for the day:
1. In bed by 10:30pm
2. Try to keep up the water
3. Try to eat decently
4. Keep busy to avoid depression, which only leads to over eating.

Talk to you all later. Thanks so much for listening.

 

[goldcupmom]

19 year olds need to come with warning labels.

Oh, Lesli! I know how hard this is! I'm still dealing with it. How do you know what is right - give them the boot and wonder if they are alive & where they are/with whom/doing what? Or let them stay & reek havoc on the family... but at least you know on a daily basis that they are still alive and there is still hope.

Hang in there, try to take care of you, & try NOT to eat everything in site (that is my personal favorite reaction!) I'll be praying overtime for your DD & you as well as my DS & me.

 

[Lesli54]

Well, I let the depression hit yesterday. Tried to avoid it, but we waited and waited for DD19 to show. It made me so mad that I needed to stay home since I didn't know what she would do when she got here. So much for getting the shelving for the closets that DH and I wanted to get done. So much for going to the auction to pick up another dresser and bookcase that we are in need of. I snacked on things here and there. Ate a hotdog and chips for lunch then finally laid down and slept.

DD19 finally came home around 5:30pm and told us that she was not going anywhere. As if this is all whatever she chooses. I told her that it seems like she has been running things around here for a month and I am sick of it. I will not let a 19 yo run my household. I will also not let someone use me for money. It was not good. She cried, something I haven't seen for awhile. Says she has been screwing up and that she needs to work to get things back on track. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Here I was prepared for the fact that she really wanted out and with us giving her that chance, she would leave. I didn't think she would fight to stay. Maybe she doesn't really have a place to go after all.

DH thinks she needs to go and get a good dose of reality. I had that pit in my stomach that if she went it would be a mistake. I don't know if it was woman's intuition or just a mother wanting the best for her child. I am so torn on what to do and am afraid of pushing her so far away that she never returns.

In the end, I told her that she could stay, but the first time she screws up, she will be out and I will stick by that. I also laid down the house rules AGAIN so that she would know exactly what they were. She can work when she is not in school, she can be home at a decent time, which was set and still have time to see her friends, she can stop avoiding the family and actually have a conversation here and there, she can let us know when she will be gone and if she will be home for dinner that night, just common courtesy. I am thinking that it is not a lot to ask for. We don't need the entire itinerary, just the basics.

On the plus side, she is enrolled in classes and has paid for them out of her savings. Can't complain there.

Breakfast - 1 egg, english muffin, and 1 c. grapefruit juice
AM snack - chips, and PB crackers

I don't know what else is on the agenda for food today, but I am going to try to keep things in check as much as possible.

Goals for the day:
1. Water - trying to bump it up a glass a day
2. Go to be at 10:30pm - made it last night at 10pm
3. Stay busy to keep away the stress.

Gotta go. Have a great day!

 

[pearlieq]

I'm sorry things are so rough with DD19. I agree it must be really hard to try to figure out what to do with her. The money angle of it makes things hard.

Of course you don't want to just throw money at schooling while she's foundering so much, but it sounds like she's convinced you and DH are using school money to try to control her. It may take a while for her to shake out of that.

Not to stick my nose in, but have you thought about figuring out how much you were going to contribute to school (outright contribution, not loans) and telling her that you're willing to use it to pay bills, no questions asked, directly to whatever school she chooses? Of course it would come with the caveat that she needs to use it wisely because when it's gone it's gone and there won't be more? She may not quite be ready to handle that, but maybe after several months on her own she might have a bit more perspective.

I don't envy you trying to figure all of this out, and I'm sorry it's making you and your DH question things.

**I just saw your update for today. I'm glad you got to have a frank talk with her and to lay down the rules. I hope things get better.

Take care of yourself today. I hope you're able to find some time for things you find fulfilling.

 

[goldcupmom]

How are things going, Lesli?? I'm hoping Ok, but I truly understand what's going on. Hang in there and let us know when you can!

 

[goldcupmom]

Just checking in on you again, Lesli. I'm hoping and praying things are OK.

Let us hear from you when you get the chance.

 

[goldcupmom]

Just a quick peek to let you know I'm still thinking about you & praying for you! Hope things are OK!

 

[Lesli54]

Yes, I am back!!!!

And.......I might say, that I do plan to stay. At the moment, I plan to post in the mornings like I used to and do a little posting to other journals as well. Although, I will admit, I am quit behind.

So much has happened lately and I have been so busy getting caught up, but I can actually say that I am finally done with 2006. Saw the tax man and I am boxing up bookwork. Can't say that I am too sad to get that year out of here.

We closed the dollar store at the end of January and it has been quite a relief. Then I spent most of February getting bookwork caught up. That was actually rejuevenating because it felt familiar and useful. Something that hasn't happened much during recovery. You spend so much time reacting to things that it feels good to be active and make plans. We also did some small home improvement projects. I actually managed to get organizer systems in 4 closets. That is helping immensely with my organization process and it gives me the chance to really narrow down the excess and get rid of it. In fact my organizing is going so far that I got a new calendar wipe board (bigger) and along with a corkboard, I managed to create a message, calendar, shopping list area next to the phone. It is actually working much better than the old system I had in place. Next, I am going to creat files for DH's misc paperwork. His filing system is just not working so I think I will just take that over. Anything that creates more space, is organized, and saves time is my goal.

The kids have been great for the most part. I am still having alot of problems with DD19. She just isn't getting it. We are further apart now than we have ever been and although that bugs me, it bugs me more that she thinks she can take over and give orders, or just be rude to people because things aren't going her way. Very nerve wracking.

Which leads me to my weight problem. I have gained about 20lbs, maybe almost 25 of the 42, that I had lost. During recovery, I finally hit that point where my metabolism wasn't up from healing, but I wasn't active enough to keep off any excess weight from poor food choices. In the last month, I have finally gotten to the point where I am not tired during the day, but if I do alot of activity, I will crash early in the evening, so I know things are progressing. And I am gaining different ranges of motion still that feel more like normal and I am more confident about trying some of the excercising that I used to do. That is a good thing.

Food has been horrible. Mainly chips, ice cream, crackers, sugar cereal (and I don't really care for it), and anything that is quick and easy. With all the stress of DD19, closing the store and catchin up, I just really didn't care. Part of me still wonders if I really do care. But I am back to hating the clothes I wear and being so conscious of what I look like to others. I know that shouldn't bug me, but it does.

Thankfully, we are reaching a point where I can cook alot more meals during the week again. Even though some of them have been quite simple or have been leftovers because we were busy, the family is not complaining. Too much ordering out gets to you. That and DH really wants a break from cooking. So know is the time to plan some well balanced meals again.

Well, I better get going since it is late. Wow, I can actually start going back to bed at a decent time. I don't have to burn the midnight oil trying to get the books done. I will talk to you all in the morning.

 

[Lesli54]

Well, it is still morning, so there is still time to hold true to my plan.

This morning, I started the day pretty good. I even got up a little earlier and did some simple chores before the kids got off to school. After some "me" time, I began working on putting away more 2006 stuff. I also began reorganizing my personal file drawers.

Breakfast was 1 fried egg, yogurt, 1/2 english muffin w/jelly, & 1/2 c grapefruit juice.

Now I am eating some cheese and crackers, but I should quit so as not to spoil my lunch too much, which I plan to have a tuna wrap.

No major plans for supper tonight. I think I will look through the cupboards and do some cleaning out.

The rest of the day, I plan to work on a little bookwork and continue reorganinzing my office. If I get time (or need a change of location), I think I will tackle the "catch all" counter top that we have.

Gotta go. Remember to drink that water (I just started for the day ). I hope you can all have a good day, despite what the weather may be doing in your area.