Parenting parents is so hard!

[disykat]

My mom is a news junky. I just left them (in another state) yesterday. Mom is recovering from a health issue, she's depressed because I took away her car keys, and now she's watching Notre Dam go down in flames. In her mind, this is so awful the least she can do is watch it like it's her job. Dad is probably terrified watching because he can't distinguish tv from reality due to his Alzheimer's. Turn off the tv mom!

 

[ronandannette]

My mom is a news junky. I just left them (in another state) yesterday. Mom is recovering from a health issue, she's depressed because I took away her car keys, and now she's watching Notre Dam go down in flames. In her mind, this is so awful the least she can do is watch it like it's her job. Dad is probably terrified watching because he can't distinguish tv from reality due to his Alzheimer's. Turn off the tv mom!

BTDT and saw both of mine safely on to their heavenly home. It was a solemn privilege but man, also the hardest, most relentless and life-altering experience I've ever had. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I am living it, too.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yes it is, my job is now over (except finalizing the estate). DH’s parents are in their 90’s and starting to really decline, fortunately his sister is out by them with no children of her own (and a nurse at the local hospital).

 

[disykat]

I liked your posts because I appreciate the support - not exactly the kind of thing any of us "like!"

I know so many people IRL too that are going through this. As ronandette said, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. They refused to leave their home, then their town when I forced the move, dragging my siblings into agreement. Trying to respect their choices while trying to manage their needs from another state has been brutal. Now that I'm taking over some things and putting my foot down I feel like everyone is mad at me. I got home at 1 am after an 8 hour drive home and have already talked to mom(who answered the phone in tears because she feels like the whole world is up in flames,) my brother, the nurse at their Assisted Living place and worked my part time job. I also finally heard back today from their financial planner -the day AFTER I left town, so I had to put more paperwork on hold. They want HER to sign, not me, her POA. I work the next three weeks and then I go down again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Oh, and did I mention that my siblings don't approve of me taking the car keys away? I took the blame for it, but I did what I knew needed to be done.

 

[jsmith]

Its sooooooooo hard.. I went through this last year with my mother. She had stubbornly refused to move out of her own home, then an infection in her spine ( spinal epidural abcess) and the resulting surgery forced the issue. She declined rapidly and passed in only a few months but those were difficult months since we are 10 hours away. Now trying to get the husbands father moved to a VA facility near us but that is proving a struggle as well. There is no blame to take-you go one day at a time and do what you must.

 

[kirstenb1]

My father in law passed away last summer, and we moved dh's Mom to an assisted living facility about 30 minutes from us. She has Alzheimer's, and no longer recognizes any of us. It's heartbreaking to watch my husband have to deal with all the mail, bills, tax stuff etc, while still grieving. I try to handle most stuff related to his Mom, including visiting her. OP, I'm so sorry. Unless you're the one dealing with it, it is unimaginably hard to understand.

 

[superme80]

Just wanted to send you . It is hard. My MIL's health is declining, and my SIL is trying to get her to move to her, but she refuses. I understand, but knowing that it will take awhile for the paramedics to get to her if something happens scares me. I can't make decisions for her, so I try and love her and let my SIL and DH handle it.

 

[lovin'fl]

I am in same situation. At my mom's right now helping her as she deals with multiple health issues. Spent a month here last summer and was here a week and a half just earlier this month (went home for a week and turned around and came right back). Will be here 2 weeks this time. I live 5 hours away. She lives alone. But I just said, the other day to a friend, that we parent and get our kids off and living their adult lives to then have to start 'parenting' our elderly parents (DH's parents also have had big health issues recently).

But the frustrating part is the 'parenting' part. Trying to get them to do the things they need to do. They are just so set in how they do things that making them make changes when necessary is like pulling teeth. It's worse than that as they just flat out refuse and you can't ground them like a teenager.

 

[disykat]

Wow. Thanks for making me feel not so alone today. I was just there for a week so I think today is my day to just wallow in it after being strong all week.

The "parenting" was full on this week with taking away mom's keys. I'm still in the process of taking over bills because of all the steps - every single business they deal with has different protocol. They are so needy and don't realize I've given up my full time job, couldn't even manage a part time job, and now am trying to work on call around this mess. I did that willingly because I knew I could/should. Siblings are older and live closer, but it was clear it should be me. Meanwhile my siblings are struggling with making it down for a weekend every month or so, but not trusting that I have a better grasp of mom's capabilities than they do. They think "she will know when she's not capable" and I know that's simply not true. I'm fortunate because they have stepped up to help on moving day, etc. so they've got my back in that way, but I've been the one leading the charge, making all the arrangements. I'm tired of being in charge and being the bad guy. Today I'm really wanting my life back.

Last year right around this time, my DH and I took a long weekend and flew to New Orleans for a stress relief vacation since things had been hard with family obligations for two years. I think we need to do another trip, it really did help. I see two weekends free in the next few months and I'm having DH check his schedule when he gets home today. Probably no flight in the cards this time, but we can take the dog and go to a cabin somewhere and hibernate for a few days.

 

[AuntieMe3]

It sure is. Hugs to you all dealing with it...especially when you don't have the support of other family members.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I wanted to recommend to anyone that is helping parents to make sure you are documenting everything with a medical professional. If parents aren't taking care of themselves with medicines or hygiene or proper meals and anything else that is taking care of oneself, document. I called my mom's doctor all the time for the last couple years before her placement. I have a special needs mother who ultimately could not make good choices to take care of herself. We talked regularly about safeguards around herself and she could not keep those safeguards around her that it was my job to make sure she is safe. Ultimately I told her my job was to keep her safe and healthy as possible and being happy was a side item goal. Please develop a relationship with your parents medical doctor. I started calling and telling them how she was acting and talking and actions she was doing that was unsafe. They stared doing same assessments of her. None of it a quick process but well worth it in the end to help get her placement and know I could sleep through the night because she was getting good care and completely safe.

 

[lovin'fl]

Wow. Thanks for making me feel not so alone today. I was just there for a week so I think today is my day to just wallow in it after being strong all week.

The "parenting" was full on this week with taking away mom's keys. I'm still in the process of taking over bills because of all the steps - every single business they deal with has different protocol. They are so needy and don't realize I've given up my full time job, then a part time job, and now am trying to work on call around this mess. I did that willingly because I knew I could/should. Siblings are older and live closer, but it was clear it should be me. Meanwhile my siblings are struggling with making it down for a weekend every month or so, but not trusting that I have a better grasp of mom's capabilities than they do. They think "she will know when she's not capable" and I know that's simply not true. I'm fortunate because they have stepped up to help on moving day, etc. so they've got my back in that way, but I've been the one leading the charge, making all the arrangements. I'm tired of being in charge and being the bad guy. Today I'm really wanting my life back.

Last year right around this time, my DH and I took a long weekend and flew to New Orleans for a stress relief vacation since things had been hard with family obligations for two years. I think we need to do another trip, it really did help. I see two weekends free in the next few months and I'm having DH check his schedule when he gets home today. Probably no flight in the cards this time, but we can take the dog and go to a cabin somewhere and hibernate for a few days.

When I drove home last time (earlier this month), I cried half the drive. Just released the stress of it all. I have one older brother who lives 30 mins from my mom but he isn't....um....I will just say 'involved much'. He will come for holidays (that I now have to shop and cook for...at my mom's) and he may visit her when in hospital (briefly). I don't work and he owns a business so in his mind I am more able...but I live 5 hours away and have 3 kids in college who still require my time (he has no kids). We also have health issues with MIL (though luckily DH's siblings are all pretty involved). DH is in a highly demanding career as well so that adds to our stress as I have had to handle almost all things domestically.

But, yes, you could use a trip. That's what we do (@4 trips a year...even if just 3 day weekends). It does help.

 

[DisneyOma]

Parenting my mother last year through her heart attack and open heart surgery was an eyeopener! She's a spoiled toddler under all those years: self-centered, pouty, and demanding. She refused to change her diet, couldn't bother to go to the classes that would help her get back on her feet, etc. She'd sit in a reclining chair and leave her crap everywhere around her, expecting someone else to pick up after her. I went grocery shopping for her, and she complained about the things I bought - low sodium, low fat, etc. Things her doctor told her she needed to avoid, like red meat every day, she just wanted more of that. I gave up. She's mostly recovered, and is on her own for now. Dreading the day she can't fend for herself on a daily basis! To those of you who have that patience, You are my heroes!

 

[focusondisney]

I’m right there with the rest of you. My dad passed away a few years ago after a prolonged health issue. Mom is late 80’s, had 2 small strokes a couple years ago. She has some residual effects, & is getting frail, especially the last year. She has always been family centered, never went out or socialized. And now she is getting more & more forgetful. She is a “night owl”, stays up half the night, sleeps half the day. So she is becoming more isolated. We are worried about falls & as others are, safety issues.

Luckily we have a large family, 1 sibling lives with her, the rest of us are within a few miles. We split up the tasks: one does her bills, someone does most of the cooking, others take her to the few social events she will attend, one has a weekly dinner tradition & takes her to the cemetery regularly. I am an RN, so I handle medical appointments. Thank goodness we all get along well & try to support the ones who are there doing the most day to day care. Mom always helped with grandkids & elderly relatives, so we are giving back what she gave to us over the years. Dad made one sister promise we would always keep her home, so a nursing home is off the table. Two of my siblings would never forgive themselves if she had to leave her home, so we’ll do what we need to. But, she is set in her ways & we see how much dad spoiled her. I can’t imagine going thru this without my siblings.

Hugs to everyone dealing with this too.

 

[china mom]

I highly recommend joining the forum agingcare.com: https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-forum. I swear that was the only thing that got me through parenting my mother until she passed.

 

[disykat]

I highly recommend joining the forum agingcare.com: https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-forum. I swear that was the only thing that got me through parenting my mother until she passed.

Thanks for the suggestion! I'll definitely check it out.

 

[disneyworldsk]

It's not just the physical health issues. it's the behavioral changes. the attitude changes. they're not the same as they once were in mind-set, attitude, behavior and personality. that's hard too even without health issues.

 

[KPeterso]

Am starting to live this more and more.

Was definitely noticeable after my Mom had her knee replacement in December 2017. She would be all smiley and compliant for the physical therapist. Me - not so much. Would not want to eat (or only eat what she wanted (such as Loaded Baked Potato soup that would not be good for her diabetes or cholesterol issues) and not what she was being served). And then I swear she would go days without showering and it was a constant struggle to get her up and out of the bed or to do her exercises. I love her dearly but she was testing all of my patience. And my Dad has issues walking so he was not much help with her. I finally told her that she needed to start doing more for herself because I was taking my vacation in early March that I desperately needed. She somehow in a week's time was much more mobile, ready to go to Disneyland (granted with a wheelchair), and able to do more for herself. But even a year and a half later she has slowed a lot and I can tell. And her brain and memory has me concerned too...

And then my Dad --- he should have an ankle surgery, but refuses due to cost. And of course, we cannot let him get a cold as it turns into a bigger issue within a few hours due to Chronic Reactive Airway disease that typically results in an ER visit and hospital stay.

I am lucky as my cousins are all going through the same with their parents (3 couples all in their 80s), so we are always willing to help each other and vent as needed. But this all truly falls on me as an only child. But I love them and as someone said, it will be my honor and privilege to care for my parents after all they have done for me.

 

[lovin'fl]

Am starting to live this more and more.

Was definitely noticeable after my Mom had her knee replacement in December 2017. She would be all smiley and compliant for the physical therapist. Me - not so much. Would not want to eat (or only eat what she wanted (such as Loaded Baked Potato soup that would not be good for her diabetes or cholesterol issues) and not what she was being served). And then I swear she would go days without showering and it was a constant struggle to get her up and out of the bed or to do her exercises. I love her dearly but she was testing all of my patience. And my Dad has issues walking so he was not much help with her. I finally told her that she needed to start doing more for herself because I was taking my vacation in early March that I desperately needed. She somehow in a week's time was much more mobile, ready to go to Disneyland (granted with a wheelchair), and able to do more for herself. But even a year and a half later she has slowed a lot and I can tell. And her brain and memory has me concerned too...

And then my Dad --- he should have an ankle surgery, but refuses due to cost. And of course, we cannot let him get a cold as it turns into a bigger issue within a few hours due to Chronic Reactive Airway disease that typically results in an ER visit and hospital stay.

I am lucky as my cousins are all going through the same with their parents (3 couples all in their 80s), so we are always willing to help each other and vent as needed. But this all truly falls on me as an only child. But I love them and as someone said, it will be my honor and privilege to care for my parents after all they have done for me.

When I was at my mom's for a month last summer it was when she had double knee replacement. What heck that was. And is still. A lot of what you describe is similar. Except my mom is even not super compliant with PT (she will scream out in pain and say 'stop, I can't do anymore'). Now her hip is acting up and her knees still aren't good (10 months post op). Yet she lives in 3 story house with large yard and on the water with lots of steps down and a pier. She cannot maintain yet won't sell and she fights hiring out the work (I cut her grass today....I moved into townhome with HOA so I wouldn't have to do yardwork anymore and here I am). She also eats like crap and won't cut out the things she needs to (has high BP and A Fib too). She really needs to drop 40 pounds and her joints and heart would be thankful. And she gets in her recliner and sleeps hours and hours. She does have a little office job 3 days a week.

Here's something bugging me this trip. SHe shops around. So if we are at grocery store and I remind her she needs more laundry soap she will say that she has to check BJs, Sams and Costco to see what's on sale and get it there. If we are driving by her gas station a mile from her house and I remind her she needs gas she will say that she has to drive over to BJs to get it. We're planning Easter dinner and she wrote list of groceries and then had to get out all 4 grocery fliers and, of course, the 3 warehouse coupon books to mark down where we'll get each thing on the list....have to buy them for the cheapest price even if it means we go to 3 places just for Easter groceries. SIGH!!!!!