'Permission' to date again after spouse passes

[BadgerGirl84]

No, I wouldn’t ask for permission.

I do know that if I were in the position of the dying spouse in our current phase of life (30s with young kids) that I would encourage my husband to remarry eventually—to have a companion in life and also for my girls to have a mom figure as they grow up. Sort of morbid, I guess! I may have even told this to my husband in conversation before, but I’m positive I would stare it explicitly in the scenario mentioned.

 

[kimblebee]

I agree totally with the sentiments of these posts. And seriously - what would one do if the spouse said “NO”? Would you be prepared to honour that unreasonable edict?

I don’t know the whole story because it was way before my time, but, my dads dad died when he was three or so and on his deathbed he made my nana promise she would never date or get married again. She was late 20s and had two small children. She agreed and honoured her word until the day she died. She struggled a lot raising them on her own, but she did it.

My dad doesn’t like to talk about it but when he does I definitely get the sense he thought it was wrong of his dad to ask that of his mom.

I know for a fact that my husband would not move on if I died first. Since I’m on my second marriage, I probably wouldn’t look to start again.

 

[Disneylover99]

I MEANT if the dying person told the spouse that they could fall in love again and marry after their passing; is that something you would tell your spouse? Have you ever heard of someone telling their spouse that no, they wouldn't want them to remarry?

And no, not bring it up while that person was dying unless that person brings it up first.

If I were the dying spouse, then yes, I might say to my healthy spouse, I hope you find love again.
It depends on my mood.

But as others have already mentioned, we’ve had this conversation over the years. We both want happiness for each other after one of us goes, so there would be no need for the discussion anyways.

 

[elaine amj]

The estate planning piece sounds particularly important. Hmmm...I think that would be a good conversation to have. Sure you trust the surviving spouse to care for the children. But in the throes of a new love (I have watched my mom go through it), you don't always think everything through and new wills are often not made despite the best intentions.

Hmmm...perhaps we should take the time to adjust our wills a bit to accommodate this scenario. Right now all assets just go to the other person. Hard to think of a modification that may not make life too difficult for the surviving spouse.

My friend is dealing with that right now. They are on their second marriage and he is now dying of cancer. They were living in his house which goes to his children upon his death. Thankfully hadn't sold her house so after her tenants moved out, we all pitched in to help update her house so she could move back into it. Rather stressful to have to do that on a tight timeline while he is in hospice care. Then again, it is only right that his house go to his kids.

 

[ronandannette]

I don’t know the whole story because it was way before my time, but, my dads dad died when he was three or so and on his deathbed he made my nana promise she would never date or get married again. She was late 20s and had two small children. She agreed and honoured her word until the day she died. She struggled a lot raising them on her own, but she did it.

My dad doesn’t like to talk about it but when he does I definitely get the sense he thought it was wrong of his dad to ask that of his mom.

I know for a fact that my husband would not move on if I died first. Since I’m on my second marriage, I probably wouldn’t look to start again.

How selfish, controlling and ultimately cruel of him. I'm going to presume this was during an time where husbands saw their wives as chattel. Normally I'd greatly admire someone with such integrity to their word, but in this case it just vibes of weakness, guilt and fear. I realize this impression could be 100% wrong, of course it's impossible for me to know. What I do know is how often and easily women of that generation were manipulated by their husbands, and sometimes others.

My own DMom would likely be of the same era as your grandparents. She was widowed suddenly when my siblings were young and had a family farm to manage. Not sure if she and her husband had ever discussed it specifically, but apparently his family (her in-laws) put a TON of pressure on her to remarry as quickly as possible so they wouldn't end up having to help with the farm or in supporting the children. They even basically "arranged" the second marriage. She went along with it and here I am - happy ending, right?

 

[ronandannette]

Yes, proper estate planning is essential to avoid such situations.

My aunt's (blood uncle's wife) father died and her mother inherited everything. It was apparently his wish that his surviving children eventually receive his estate but this wasn't specified in his will.

The mother remarried about five years later. She never got around to making a will. The mother died in a car accident about six months after the marriage. In the absence of a will the new husband inherited the mother's assets. The husband was willing to work with my aunt and her siblings but in the midst of negotiations he suddenly died of a heart attack.

Then the husband's estranged daughter, who no one even knew existed, popped out of the woodwork to legally claim everything. There was a lawsuit filed, but this daughter was the sole legal heir. The daughter was eventually persuaded to return some sentimental items and jewelry, but in the end wound up with the bulk of what was "supposed to be" my aunt and her siblings' inheritance.



When I die, if my wife decides to remarry, practically any guy would be an improvement over me.

Just in case, remind her to divest of her jewelry while she's still alive. And if you have any specific intentions for your golf clubs maybe put that in your will.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer when my kids were just five years old. I am also a nurse that takes care of people who, relatively often, die, so I knew too well what the potential realities were. Thoughts of my kids growing up without me was one of the hardest things about the whole experience. My own way of coping was to finally get to a [low] point of saying, ok, things will be ok if the worst happens to me. It was only then that I could move forward, if that makes sense. (Much harder and painful a process in reality than it sounds here; believe me, I had many, many fitful, steroid-fueled sleepless nights trying to push it out of my mind.)

In talking to DH about it, I told him that if I should die, I'd like for him to move on with someone else - for himself but also so our kids could grow up with a mother. And leave it to me, I'd also had someone in mind for him who I knew was friends with DH and would make a fantastic mother! I know that perhaps sounds crazy and ridiculous, but it was what it was, and it helped give my mind peace at a time I really needed it. (Yup, check - plan in place, sucks, but things will be fine if I'm gone, finally I can sleep! )

None of us know for sure how we'll cope with a situation like that until we're in it. I could never have predicted I'd be faced with thoughts and conversations like that when a serious illness hit. Not something I'd ever really thought about before then, actually. My kids are almost done with college now, so the situation would likely feel somewhat different today than it did then. DH and I have talked about it and we'd both expect the other to be happy, whatever that is.

As for the OP, if your situation is you, I'm sorry you are faced with this. I'd be surprised if your husband didn't bring it up first, but if he doesn't, then you can likely rest assured he'd like you to be happy, even if you don't talk specifics. I wish you well.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I would never even ask my spouse that while she was on her death bed. What do you even say?

"Hey honey, I've always thought your sister was hotter than you. Seeing as how you're not going to be around much longer, should I let her move in while you're in hospice or wait until after you croak?

"Look on the bright side honey. Now we don't need to go through a messy divorce for me to trade you in to get a newer model."

"Hey honey. Do I still get your stereo if I date Sheila."

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Later 40's here - but my dh and I have had the conversation because you just never know what tomorrow will bring. We've both said to move on and be happy. Our closest friends have been together as long as we have been (since we've been teenagers) and they've said that they can find someone but they can't marry them. Well she is 49 and if he died tomorrow I just think it would be sad to not marry someone if you fell in love with them and wanted to be with them because your were being selfish and silly (in my opinion)

 

[VAfamily1998]

My Dad passed in 2005, three weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. He was only 61 and had been in perfect health up until about a month before he was diagnosed. My parents had been married 42 years. I only saw my Dad tear up twice in my life, when he was in the hospital a week before he passed, just the two of us were in his room. He said to me that if he didn't make it that he wanted my Mom to continue to live a full life and he was fine if she found someone to share it with. The reason for his tears was because he was sad at the thought of his life ending.

A week later right before he passed, our family was all around his bed telling him how much we loved him. He kept trying to say something, but we couldn't understand him. This went on for a few minutes, I then said, "I think Dad is trying to tell you that he is fine if you go on to find something new". Right after I said that Dad quieted down and passed minutes later. My parents had quite the love story and Dad expressed that love in the minutes before his death.

We were so heart broken after my Dads death. My Mom couldn't imagine EVER meeting anyone else. But, eight years later she did. We couldn't be happier about it. Mom and Dad loved to travel and go on adventures together. We of course, included Mom in all of our vacations, but now she has someone to share life with, in addition to her kids. They don't live together and will never get married, but they are together almost daily, going out to eat, the movies, shopping, and they travel with a tour group 4-5 times a year. The gentleman is a godsent!! We all feel so blessed to see Mom happy and enjoying life.


Had my Dad not shared his wishes with me, I don't know if my Mom would have had peace about opening her life up to a new man.


I have told my husband that life is for the living and if I pass, I want him to be happy and enjoy life and if having a companion makes him happy then that is what I want for him.

This is so sweet, I teared up a little reading it!

 

[VAfamily1998]

My MIL died many years ago, 4 months after being diagnosed with cancer. When it was clear she would not survive, she told FIL "Don't marry someone else. I don't want some one else enjoying all the money I've worked for and saved up."

FIL was engaged within 6 months, and married a few months after that.

 

[abdmom]

I'm a widow. To me, this is like the people who say "at least you had a chance to say goodbye" because we knew he was dying. So, I should have said, "It's been nice knowing you" on his deathbed? Unfortunately, we had never got around to drawing up wills before he was diagnosed with cancer. It was crummy enough taking papers for him to sign to the hospital. But the wills did get done and did spell out what would happen if I died after him.

I had 3 little kids. I didn't have the energy to date. If I could have ordered a husband off Amazon, I probably would have though. I've been on one date in the 10+ years since dh has been gone. It was sufficiently crummy that I've had no desire to date since.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

We are both perfectly healthy and had this discussion years ago. We both gave each other permission, well aware of the fact that neither of us would actually date.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I know a couple who had this discussion right before she passed. They actually talked about possible candidates for her replacement. These were people in their 60's so all kids were grown/married. They discussed her best friend "Debbie", who had recently lost her husband, but the dying wife told her DH that Debbie was out of his league. She's quite attractive, with a fun personality to match. The widow and the widower have been happily married over ten years. Debbie said that after her first DH passed that her kids did everything they could to keep her company, but the nights really got lonely, so she's happy she remarried.

 

[Kitty 34]

If my DH was dying my first question would be:

"Is your life insurance all up to snuff?" and then maybe I would add "and hon, you wouldn't mind me going out with your friend Floyd after the funeral would you?

 

[Nancyg56]

I don’t know the whole story because it was way before my time, but, my dads dad died when he was three or so and on his deathbed he made my nana promise she would never date or get married again. She was late 20s and had two small children. She agreed and honoured her word until the day she died. She struggled a lot raising them on her own, but she did it.

My dad doesn’t like to talk about it but when he does I definitely get the sense he thought it was wrong of his dad to ask that of his mom.

I know for a fact that my husband would not move on if I died first. Since I’m on my second marriage, I probably wouldn’t look to start again.

My FIL's father passed when he was very young. His mom met a man and started to date, and her children made sure she knew how opposed they were. She acquiesced and lived her life alone, making those kids her whole life. Well, they all grew up, married and began families of their own. It was not until that time in their lives did they look at the life their mother led, the sacrifices she made, and how the decision to remain alone not only affected her, but them. Mom had no one but them. It was sad really. Between the conflicts that arose between Mom and the new spouses, and the loneliness induced illnesses that occurred every holiday, they all paid a high price. I found it so sad.

FF to when my husband died. I was only 23, and had three kids. MIL was a little supportive when I started dating, but FIL was pretty upset, and both made some pretty nasty comments and threats. WE had a strongly worded pretty much one sided conversation where I let them both know which way my wind was blowing, and it all settled down. I feel strongly that two people commit to a life together, but there is no timeline for life after a spouse dies. This time to be faithful and true is when your spouse is alive.

 

[wenrob]

The estate planning piece sounds particularly important. Hmmm...I think that would be a good conversation to have. Sure you trust the surviving spouse to care for the children. But in the throes of a new love (I have watched my mom go through it), you don't always think everything through and new wills are often not made despite the best intentions.

Hmmm...perhaps we should take the time to adjust our wills a bit to accommodate this scenario. Right now all assets just go to the other person. Hard to think of a modification that may not make life too difficult for the surviving spouse.

My friend is dealing with that right now. They are on their second marriage and he is now dying of cancer. They were living in his house which goes to his children upon his death. Thankfully hadn't sold her house so after her tenants moved out, we all pitched in to help update her house so she could move back into it. Rather stressful to have to do that on a tight timeline while he is in hospice care. Then again, it is only right that his house go to his kids.

100% agree. You only have to watch some Dateline or look at some of the celebrities where it’s happened to see what can happen when people fall in love. It’s not something we’ve done yet but it needs to happen.

Later 40's here - but my dh and I have had the conversation because you just never know what tomorrow will bring. We've both said to move on and be happy. Our closest friends have been together as long as we have been (since we've been teenagers) and they've said that they can find someone but they can't marry them. Well she is 49 and if he died tomorrow I just think it would be sad to not marry someone if you fell in love with them and wanted to be with them because your were being selfish and silly (in my opinion)

A lot of people do not remarry for financial reasons. Not selfish or silly if it’s for the right reasons.

We’ve joked about it but we’ve never formally said “move on.” I don’t think we need each other’s permission. He’s free to do whatever he pleases.

I don’t think I’d date or remarry. Just sounds like a lot of work, lol.

 

[cabanafrau]

If my DH was dying my first question would be:

"Is your life insurance all up to snuff?" and then maybe I would add "and hon, you wouldn't mind me going out with your friend Floyd after the funeral would you?

One of our longest running inside jokes is -- "I want to mourn in Tahiti."

 

[Owlpost23]

My DH isn't dying but we decided to have this conversation the other day. he asked me if he died, would I remarry.

I thought about it for a bit and said that after an appropriate period of mourning, I might be inclined to date again and possibly remarry.

He then asked if I found a new man would I let him sleep in out marital bed. I thought about it for a while and responded that if after an appropriate time of mourning I met a guy and wanted to be intimate with him, I would probably allow him in our bed, after all, we did spend a lot of money on it and it is a quality bed.

He then asked would I let him wear his clothes. I responded that my husband has impeccable taste in clothes and some very expensive suits so if, after an appropriate time of mourning, I met and fell in love, i would let him ear the clothes.

My husband accepted that logic and after some thougth he asked, would you let him use my golf clubs.

I replied "Oh, no, he's left handed"

I'm rolling over here!

 

[gotomu212]

The estate planning piece sounds particularly important. Hmmm...I think that would be a good conversation to have. Sure you trust the surviving spouse to care for the children. But in the throes of a new love (I have watched my mom go through it), you don't always think everything through and new wills are often not made despite the best intentions.

Hmmm...perhaps we should take the time to adjust our wills a bit to accommodate this scenario. Right now all assets just go to the other person. Hard to think of a modification that may not make life too difficult for the surviving spouse.

My friend is dealing with that right now. They are on their second marriage and he is now dying of cancer. They were living in his house which goes to his children upon his death. Thankfully hadn't sold her house so after her tenants moved out, we all pitched in to help update her house so she could move back into it. Rather stressful to have to do that on a tight timeline while he is in hospice care. Then again, it is only right that his house go to his kids.

It’s actually pretty common. We have a trust and there’s a clause that if the surviving spouse remarries they need to get a prenup that specifies the trust assets revert to the children upon surviving spouses death. If surviving spouse does not get a prenup upon their marriage they are “treated as if dead” and the trust immediately passes to the children.
It’s not to overly restrict or to complicate things for the surviving spouse. They can still spend down all their assets and blow it on new wife/husband and live in the lap of luxury if they wish. It just ensures that new spouse doesn’t get all the money when the surging spouse dies while the kids are left with nothing (a situation multiple people here have referenced).
So if I die and my husband remarries he could still end up spending everything we have, but if there’s anything left our children would get it (and keepsakes like my jewelry) instead of it going to his new wife and her family.