'Permission' to date again after spouse passes

[barkley]

i haven't read all the responses but i'll share this-

my mom and her group of lady friends if still alive would be in their 90's now, all were widowed by their mid 50's at the latest. they had LOTS of lady friends in the same situation. NONE remarried but for the most part all the widowers they knew DID. reasoning-at that point in time many pension plans as well as social security had provisions that cancelled out the widow's death benefits upon their remarriage so given that most of the men in their dating pool were older than them and women have a longer lifespan the odds were they could end up widows again but w/less or lower income to support themselves with.

i grew up w/my parents socializing with these ladies and their husbands-all were very conservative in their attitudes about sex outside marriage/non married co-habitation and such but after the social group had observed a few widows in the larger community become close to destitute b/c of a second husband passing-the husbands began telling their wives that if they fell in love with someone after they were widowed- 'i worked for decades to ensure that money is there to take care of you the rest of your life so for god's sake-'just shack up'.


we've never expressly discussed it between dh and i but we have as it pertains to our estate planning so i guess since it has a provision regarding it then we both feel the door is open for whatever the other wants to do.

 

[Kitty 34]

One of our longest running inside jokes is -- "I want to mourn in Tahiti."

I'll bring Floyd!

 

[Disney Doll]

As far as estate planning, especially for people with children, it’s important to discuss “Post death” of either spouse.

I wouldn’t remarry. I’m a one and done kind of gal and frankly, society today doesn’t give us too many men of quality in my age group who are interested in women their age. Most men my age are looking for a 30 year old.

As for DH, I’ve just requested that he not bring a date to my funeral. . Beyond that, he wouldn’t be happy alone so I would just hope he’d meet a nice woman and not some shrew.

If I developed Alzheimer’s, I hope he’d wait until I died before dating. But he’d have to live with his decisions, good or bad.

 

[Mortlives]

I wouldn’t remarry. I’m a one and done kind of gal and frankly, society today doesn’t give us too many men of quality in my age group who are interested in women their age. Most men my age are looking for a 30 year old.

I don't know what your age is, but I'm a little over a half century, and dating after being widowed. I find that men of quality in my age group, and younger, are willing to date women my age. I am guessing you're not finding them because you're not looking for them.

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

Not a conversation I would have while one is dying. But I'd think your spouse would want you to be happy and vice versa.

 

[Colleen27]

Would you do it to your husband if he were the one afflicted? What makes dementia any different than cancer, or ALS or whatever?

Time and memory make it different. Dementia takes your loved one away while his heart is still beating. He's there, but he doesn't know you, is no longer the partner you once had. And it can go on that way for many, many years.

One of my great-uncles had early onset Alzheimer's, diagnosed around 50, and lived 25 years or so past the point where he no longer remembered his wife or children. For the last 2 decades of his life, he was in a secure facility and his family's interactions with him were limited because of his propensity to wander as well as to become agitated to the point of violence in moments of frustration. I was still a kid when he died so I don't know first hand how my great-aunt handled it (there are a few family stories/pictures of a "very good friend" of hers but I don't know if that is a euphemism or not), but that is a very, very long time to live without companionship or affection... but at the same time, with medical care being what it is, it would be the height of heartlessness to divorce someone so completely dependent upon his access to the healthy spouse's insurance. Medicaid beds in decent facilities are few and far between, and many of the places that provide care to the poor and disabled are places I wouldn't trust with my dog. ​

 

[disykat]

I expect that my husband and I will stay together until death. However, he has my full permission to date after my death OR EVEN before if I lose brain function. We are in year 15 of my dad's alzheimer's and I would honestly be happy if my mom had someone to lean on. I have a hard time being judgemental of people who find someone to share their grief with and maybe move on with after going through a long illness with a spouse.

 

[low-key]

If the man is dying, the women should ask permission,if the women is dying the man should just say he wont date again

 

[barkley]

If the man is dying, the women should ask permission,if the women is dying the man should just say he wont date again

the ladies of my mom's generation thought that a widower remarrying fairly soon after the death of his spouse to be a complimentary reflection on the late wife/the quality of their marriage. they felt remarriage on the man's part indicated that he had been well cared for by his late wife and being married was such a positive experience the widower wanted to recreate the experience as soon as possible.

 

[BabybetterDisney]

I don't know what your age is, but I'm a little over a half century, and dating after being widowed. I find that men of quality in my age group, and younger, are willing to date women my age. I am guessing you're not finding them because you're not looking for them.

I don't care if there are men of quality of any age group. I love my husband, and I can't imagine another husband. If he dies before me I will just stay single for the rest of my life. If I die before him I don't care what he does. I believe he will do better with a different wife than me with a different guy because he's not picky like I am.

In fact, if I ever become single, I want to go back to college and study robotics. I didn't have the opportunity to do that when I was young, and I've always considered that to be very cool.

 

[mom2rtk]

the ladies of my mom's generation thought that a widower remarrying fairly soon after the death of his spouse to be a complimentary reflection on the late wife/the quality of their marriage. they felt remarriage on the man's part indicated that he had been well cared for by his late wife and being married was such a positive experience the widower wanted to recreate the experience as soon as possible.

Then perhaps the women of that generation not remarrying quickly has something to do with not wanting to be a caretaker again right away.

 

[ronandannette]

the ladies of my mom's generation thought that a widower remarrying fairly soon after the death of his spouse to be a complimentary reflection on the late wife/the quality of their marriage. they felt remarriage on the man's part indicated that he had been well cared for by his late wife and being married was such a positive experience the widower wanted to recreate the experience as soon as possible.

Then perhaps the women of that generation not remarrying quickly has something to do with not wanting to be a caretaker again right away.

I have actually heard both these ideas before, although I can't quote statistics. It does make sense that a happily-married man would want to be happily-married again. It's not 100% true in every case but many happily-married women I know, including myself, do the lion's share of the practical work of keeping things rolling along - not that the husband demands it; that's just how it goes.

I've got 3 recently-widowed ladies in my circle; all relatively young (48, 59, 66) and all having had excellent, loving relationships. Once past the immediate shock and grief of their loss, all of them are more interested in finding their own way in the world than re-coupling.