Relationship Struggle

[Christine]

Let me say that I'm coming from a place where there's never been any divorce (except my own parents) so I don't have a lot of experience with this. But I 100% believe that this girl's mother could have poisoned her daughter against the OP. I've heard about this. For whatever reason, the girl's mother did NOT want her daughter connecting with the "girlfriend". Whatever her motivations were, we don't know. But it started at a young age and it worked. It's very hard for a child of divorce who has not lived most of his/her life not to put their parents on a pedestal. My own father was apparently a horrible person. No one ever told me. But I had him as a god and believed everything he said. Learned much much later, the truth. Anyway, OP, as you know, this is between you and your BF. There is no way that you, on your own, are going to get this girl to come around.

I think it's kind of shameful that your DBF has not had a heart-to-heart with his daughter over this. I'm not talking about making her behave mannerly, but getting to the root of why she dislikes you and having a talk with her about the things her own mother has said to her. If they have a good relationship, he should be able to gently point out that maybe her own mother wasn't being objective about things. She needs to be shown the error of her beliefs.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...I have never been married. I had a son my freshman year in college & was lucky to have a very supportive, loving family. I concentrated on being a mom for many years & didn't date until I met my now BF. It was a slow process getting used to dating, introducing him to my son, etc. Years later I adopted my nieces, then aged 2 & 4 when their parents could no longer raise them.

Wow, I just wanted to say it's really amazing of you to take on your nieces as a single mom! How old are they (and your son) now?

I don't blame you at all for not marrying this guy! I definitely wouldn't get that deep in when he'd always have to choose between you and his DD. If you're happy being single and enjoy casually dating him, that's fine. You're an adult, and you get to decide if you're getting enough out of the relationship. (But if you do want something more, I don't think you'll get it here.)

The good news is, his DD is going to graduate from college soon. - Maybe she'll move far away, and you'll hardly ever have to deal with the problem.

 

[Poohlove]

Didn't the daughter spend enough time around you to form her own opinion or does she have to take her mom's opinion as her own?

Is It possible that you have been with DBF for so long because he is safe? You say you don't want more from this relationship than what it is and clearly neither does he. If your relationship will never be more than it is now does it really matter what his daughter thinks?

 

[Pink Partridge]

Thanks for responding but you are hung up on the fact that I called her a brat as the main issue, it isn't. I am an adult, in a long term committed relationship so please don't minimize what we have together. I assure you I take it as seriously as any married person would.

I would call out a child acting like a brat. I don't see an issue with that. She seems like a brat.

But you have been dating this man for 18 years, yet don't live together. And he doesn't "invite" you to certain family functions. Annnnd he gets nervous when his daughter comes to his house and you are there too.

That is nowhere near what a married couple acts like.

 

[luvsJack]

Dh and I have been together almost 30 years. My sons are 30 and 35. So he has been in their lives for a long time. The thing that made it work is the fact that we are a family. Period. He is a parent the same as me. They have a good relationship with him and always have. They show him the same love and respect as they do their bio dad. More so at times.

If this had happened at any time with us, I would have gotten us and the son together to talk and figure it out. And that, IMO, is what you should insist your bf do. If he plans for you to remain in his life and obviously he adores his dd, then it has to be hashed our so that the two of you can at least be in the same room together.

It doesn’t matter if you think she is being a brat or ill mannered. Do not attack her to her father. Sounds like that is just backing up what her mother is telling her. And do not blame her mother to her or your bf.

What would you do if this was one of your own kids that had an issue with him?

 

[Positive]

Let me say that I'm coming from a place where there's never been any divorce (except my own parents) so I don't have a lot of experience with this. But I 100% believe that this girl's mother could have poisoned her daughter against the OP. I've heard about this. For whatever reason, the girl's mother did NOT want her daughter connecting with the "girlfriend". Whatever her motivations were, we don't know. But it started at a young age and it worked. It's very hard for a child of divorce who has not lived most of his/her life not to put their parents on a pedestal. My own father was apparently a horrible person. No one ever told me. But I had him as a god and believed everything he said. Learned much much later, the truth. Anyway, OP, as you know, this is between you and your BF. There is no way that you, on your own, are going to get this girl to come around.

I think it's kind of shameful that your DBF has not had a heart-to-heart with his daughter over this. I'm not talking about making her behave mannerly, but getting to the root of why she dislikes you and having a talk with her about the things her own mother has said to her. If they have a good relationship, he should be able to gently point out that maybe her own mother wasn't being objective about things. She needs to be shown the error of her beliefs.

Thanks for your message. He actually has spoken to her on his own & tried to have us get together to talk, but she refuses. I think he feels he does have a strong relationship with her, but he has said it will never compare to the relationship between her & her mother. When our children were young, we encouraged them to be friends+, they were involved in each other activities, went to each other's games, recitals. Now, his daughter wants no relationship with me or my kids, it borderlines on hostile if they bump into each other around town.

 

[Positive]

I would call out a child acting like a brat. I don't see an issue with that. She seems like a brat.

But you have been dating this man for 18 years, yet don't live together. And he doesn't "invite" you to certain family functions. Annnnd he gets nervous when his daughter comes to his house and you are there too.

That is nowhere near what a married couple acts like.

I am not holding him responsible or blaming him that we don't live together. This is how our lives have worked for a long time, we have been happy & very much in love. I know this situation is not unique. Many blended families struggle with issues of partners & children not getting along with each other.
I am looking to the future, college graduation, wedding, the birth of a baby, for example, & wondering where I will fit into any of that. It is painful & heartbreaking.

 

[piccolopat]

Thanks for responding but you are hung up on the fact that I called her a brat as the main issue, it isn't. I am an adult, in a long term committed relationship so please don't minimize what we have together. I assure you I take it as seriously as any married person would.

Maybe you take the relationship as seriously as marriage, but does he? There really is no excuse for him treating you like a second class citizen to his now-adult daughter.

 

[Positive]

Wow, I just wanted to say it's really amazing of you to take on your nieces as a single mom! How old are they (and your son) now?

I don't blame you at all for not marrying this guy! I definitely wouldn't get that deep in when he'd always have to choose between you and his DD. If you're happy being single and enjoy casually dating him, that's fine. You're an adult, and you get to decide if you're getting enough out of the relationship. (But if you do want something more, I don't think you'll get it here.)

The good news is, his DD is going to graduate from college soon. - Maybe she'll move far away, and you'll hardly ever have to deal with the problem.

My girls are 17, 14 & my son is 25. I don't think she would move all that far away. Her father would accept it but I know he wouldn't like the idea of her living very far away. This wouldn't solve anything for us however, just push it under the rug...or across state lines, I guess.

 

[Positive]

Maybe you take the relationship as seriously as marriage, but does he? There really is no excuse for him treating you like a second class citizen to his now-adult daughter.

I guess I'm wondering the same thing. I never doubted the strength of "US" before, but now doubts have seeped in which is why I posted. We are very much wrapped up with each other in every other part of our life together, but are struggling in this area. I do know I am not willing to be treated like a second class citizen with my needs/wants/feelings coming in last place every time.

 

[Positive]

I would call her a brat as well if she’s being a brat. The amount of time you’ve been together you should be a kind of Mother figure to her. You bet I’d call my kids brats to my DH if they were acting like brats.
Why don’t you just ask him what’s going on? Why is he being distant? Seems like something has happened that you don’t know about.

I seriously doubt it. If you knew us you would just understand that THIS is what's going on. As far as him being distant with me, it does feel that way at times. It seems to be an effort on his part to compartmentalize the 2 biggest relationships in his life.

 

[Micca]

I can't help with the situation but @Disneylover99 ...The Rule!

 

[Positive]

Didn't the daughter spend enough time around you to form her own opinion or does she have to take her mom's opinion as her own?

Is It possible that you have been with DBF for so long because he is safe? You say you don't want more from this relationship than what it is and clearly neither does he. If your relationship will never be more than it is now does it really matter what his daughter thinks?

I would have definitely thought so, but that is her mother & she has a very strong influence over her daughter. I would not stay with someone because it is "safe". I also wouldn't junk a devoted, happy relationship because we are not seeing eye to eye on something. I am trying to figure out how to move us forward to common ground on how WE approach this TOGETHER.

 

[Positive]

I can't help with the situation but @Disneylover99 ...The Rule!

LOL, what's The Rule? Please do tell!

 

[Allison]

LOL, what's The Rule? Please do tell!

The rule is quoting a message so others can see it. For some reason you edited your first post and took out information after people responded. Since it is quoted, people can see the original message and understand what others were responding to.

 

[Micca]

LOL, what's The Rule? Please do tell!

The rule is when someone is the first to reply to a thread, you quote the first post because sometimes things get changed and it can become confusing to people who are reading the thread at a later time.
I certainly hope you can get everything straightened out to your satisfaction.

 

[Mizzoufan]

People have given you wonderful advice but keep making excuses for him and yourself.

 

[PollyannaMom]

It seems to be an effort on his part to compartmentalize the 2 biggest relationships in his life.

I definitely think that's what he's doing! (And I agree it won't work if she stays close.)

Thanks for your message. He actually has spoken to her on his own & tried to have us get together to talk, but she refuses. I think he feels he does have a strong relationship with her, but he has said it will never compare to the relationship between her & her mother. When our children were young, we encouraged them to be friends+, they were involved in each other activities, went to each other's games, recitals. Now, his daughter wants no relationship with me or my kids, it borderlines on hostile if they bump into each other around town.

Because it changed, I definitely think she owes you an explanation. Even if she still refuses to make up, you deserve to know why.

If I had to guess, though, I'd go with one of two things:

She lived most of her life thinking you and her dad got together after her parents split (which you told us is the truth) but has somewhere along the line come to believe it started before. Whether this is a misinterpretation of some new information, or someone deliberately lying to her, I'm not sure.

Something has changed with her mom. If the girl grew up believing her mom initiated the split, and was happy with whatever direction her life took after that, but now believes her mom would have been happier if they had stayed together, that might have changed her attitude toward you as well.

 

[Positive]

The rule is quoting a message so others can see it. For some reason you edited your first post and took out information after people responded. Since it is quoted, people can see the original message and understand what others were responding to.

Oh, ok. I went in last night to edit something I wrote & ended up erasing most of it. I gave up because it was so late. is there a way to fix it?

 

[Disneylover99]

I would have definitely thought so, but that is her mother & she has a very strong influence over her daughter. I would not stay with someone because it is "safe". I also wouldn't junk a devoted, happy relationship because we are not seeing eye to eye on something. I am trying to figure out how to move us forward to common ground on how WE approach this TOGETHER.

Has his ex wife moved on with someone? Has she always been against you? Is she jealous? Do you know what kinds of things his ex wife says about you? Your bf must know.

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to understand.