Should I ask my Dad's wife to see his will?

[mousefan73]

question is above..
Background Infos..

my father passed away in February. We had been estranged a few years. This was his choice ( my dad has many issues, alcohol personality disorder etc..).. After his passing I had heard from other Family members he had been meaning to call me the past few months. He had cancer. I went back home for the church Services and burial. All was actually civil with his wife (I had also not spoken to her in about 3 years).. Dealing with her is like Walking on egg Shells. Very difficult. Especially now that she is mourning.

What has been bothering me lately is that she had yet to contact me regarding any of his items or will. I do not want Money she can have the house and all that. what just gets me is that as his only child ( yes were estranged, but I've known him 52 years! I have no part in his personal belongings etc....I know he has Pictures of me and other items that are from "his previous life" with my mom.... I feel like I Need to address this stuff..

I am just scared to Approach his wife,, she is a real Drama queen and can get ballistic.. I just feel in These cases, children should be involved. I would do that with my Kids... Now I understand the whole estranged Thing throws a pickle, but my Uncle told me to ask about the will. For me it's more the principle that as my Dad's only child I should have a right in dealing with his estate.. Now if he wrote in his will specifically He wants me not involved so be it.. But shouldnt his wife let me know officially?

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I’d call the local probate court to see if they have it on record and get a copy if it is. That way you don’t have to speak to your stepmother at all.

 

[Hikergirl]

I wouldn't ask about the will (not yet anyway), that may put her on the defensive and create more drama.
He was your father, there is nothing wrong with calling her and telling (not asking) her that you would like to set up a time where you can come by and get some of his things like the pictures of you. At that time you can kind of feel her out and discuss other things.

 

[mousefan73]

I’d call the local probate court to see if they have it on record and get a copy if it is. That way you don’t have to speak to your stepmother at all.

I am not familiar with with what a probate court does... Can anyone see this then? I really do not want to deal with her.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I am not familiar with with what a probate court does... Can anyone see this then? I really do not want to deal with her.

It is my understanding that once a will is in probate it’s a matter of public record and anybody can ask for a copy of it.

Personal possessions like a box of pictures probably won’t be mentioned in the will. If you want those pictures I’d reach out and ask if you can go through them with her and make some copies for yourself etc.

 

[sk!mom]

If you want anything then you definitely need to contact her ASAP.

She may have already gotten rid of things. I was stunned at how quickly my mom cleared stuff out after my dad passed- it was days not months.

It's possible that due to the estrangement she thinks that you wouldn't want anything. I could see that line of thinking. It's also possible that she will be difficult. Either way, you won't know until you ask.

If all you want is photos and such then it doesn't seem that there would be a need to see the will. I would get my photos and memories before I asked for the will as she may not take that request well. Going the probate court route is a good idea.

 

[tvguy]

It is my understanding that once a will is in probate it’s a matter of public record and anybody can ask for a copy of it.

Personal possessions like a box of pictures probably won’t be mentioned in the will. If you want those pictures I’d reach out and ask if you can go through them with her and make some copies for yourself etc.

A properly set up estate won't got to a probate court. Probate court is for estates that have no will, in improperly drawn up will, and or, property whose ownership is not setup in a trust or mentioned in the will.
To OP, at some point, not today, it certainly is within your rights to ask about the will. Often if there are children from a previous marriage, a person's will specifies that the children get nothing until the surviving spouse passes. So it would be a reasonable in the coming months to ask.

 

[nkereina]

When my mother's father passed, the relationship between everyone was contentious and she decided not to follow up on her portion of the will. About 9 months later, she got a check in the mail for her share. It took that long for the executor of the will to get through everything. But I think possessions are different because as mentioned, there wouldn't be anything in the will about that. If the wife starts cleaning out some of that stuff or someone in her family helps her and unknowingly throws things out, then those things will be lost to you. I probably would approach her saying you're interested in some of the belongings, making it clear you're not at all interested in money or anything like that. And kill her with kindness. Keep in mind that once that part is over, you likely don't have to see or talk to her again if you don't want to.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree that if you truly only want photos and a few other mementos without monetary value, then asking about the will is a very bad idea as it will make it sound as if you want to take money or her home, etc and cause her to become defensive and possibly turn down any request at all.
I would contact her (by email if you can, gives her time to respond calmly) and let her know you are sorry for her losing her husband and also miss your father in spite of the estrangement and ask when is a good time for you to stop by to collect some photos (offer to make copies if she wants to keep originals) and some other small reminders of your childhood.

 

[amcnj]

I guess if I was only interested in photos and such, I would avoid the will topic and just contact the other party directly and state the types of things you would be interested in having, if possible. If the other party is unresponsive or outright refuses, then I might look into the will side of things too, though I would think someone would contact you if you were mentioned in the will.

 

[cabanafrau]

As an initial, non impact first step I would check and see if the probate court for the county your father lived in shows court filings online. If so you will know if the will has been filed there and you can seek a copy from the court records without even risking a single egg shell. That could potentially do a great deal to inform you of the status of things. It will probably be necessary to contact your stepmother about family momentos and it is probably better to do so soon.

 

[okeydokey]

I am not familiar with with what a probate court does... Can anyone see this then? I really do not want to deal with her.

It is highly unlikely that if there is a will it will specify that you should get pictures, or other specific mementos. He would have had to indicate that in the will and as you say, you were estranged. As his legal spouse, the estate will go through his wife unless otherwise stated.

I know you don't want to contact her, but two months later it is possible she may have already gotten rid of these things you want so I would get in touch immediately. Is there another family member that can maybe act on your behalf? Maybe an Aunt or Uncle that can suggest to the wife that it would be nice to put a box together for you?

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

question is above..
Background Infos..

my father passed away in February. We had been estranged a few years. This was his choice ( my dad has many issues, alcohol personality disorder etc..).. After his passing I had heard from other Family members he had been meaning to call me the past few months. He had cancer. I went back home for the church Services and burial. All was actually civil with his wife (I had also not spoken to her in about 3 years).. Dealing with her is like Walking on egg Shells. Very difficult. Especially now that she is mourning.

What has been bothering me lately is that she had yet to contact me regarding any of his items or will. I do not want Money she can have the house and all that. what just gets me is that as his only child ( yes were estranged, but I've known him 52 years! I have no part in his personal belongings etc....I know he has Pictures of me and other items that are from "his previous life" with my mom.... I feel like I Need to address this stuff..

I am just scared to Approach his wife,, she is a real Drama queen and can get ballistic.. I just feel in These cases, children should be involved. I would do that with my Kids... Now I understand the whole estranged Thing throws a pickle, but my Uncle told me to ask about the will. For me it's more the principle that as my Dad's only child I should have a right in dealing with his estate.. Now if he wrote in his will specifically He wants me not involved so be it.. But shouldnt his wife let me know officially?

I doubt that he would have written specifically that you are not to be involved. But he may have simply left everything to his wife. I can say that in my mother's will, she only mentioned one item, her wedding set. Nothing else was mentioned. And with my father, only a couple of items were mentioned. Those items were very specific. Pictures or similar items were not mentioned at all.

It certainly could be that since you were estranged, he didn't feel that he needed to leave anything to you. Three years is a long time. (And yes, I understand being estranged. My own mother was estranged from her family for over 30 years. And my MIL hasn't spoken to anyone in my family, including her son, for 9 years.)

 

[tvguy]

As an initial, non impact first step I would check and see if the probate court for the county your father lived in shows court filings online. If so you will know if the will has been filed there and you can seek a copy from the court records without even risking a single egg shell. That could potentially do a great deal to inform you of the status of things. It will probably be necessary to contact your stepmother about family momentos and it is probably better to do so soon.

If there is a proper will there likely will be no filing. Probate is only for estates without wills or huge assets. If OP has questions, they should consult an estate attorney.

 

[mousefan73]

Well I just contacted our county and I guess there is a will on file that I can request a copy online so I do not have to go through his wife. Which brings me to the next question why would she then file a will in probate? Some of you have commented that if there is a will there is no need to file sorry just a little bit confused. Thanks for all the responses is a very stressful time and no I cannot ask other family members as this woman is also a estranged from anyone else in my my dad’s family

 

[cabanafrau]

If there is a proper will there likely will be no filing. Probate is only for estates without wills or huge assets. If OP has questions, they should consult an estate attorney.

At times some of my case assignments are in the probate court. The wills and estates of plenty of average Janes and Joes absolutely do go through probate, often quite painfully. Even estates and trusts in the multi million dollar range drafted by the top of the field attorneys in trust and estate law wind up there.

It cannot be underestimated how much circumstances are simplified when the estate of two parents who were only married to each other is passed down to their only child.

 

[cabanafrau]

Well I just contacted our county and I guess there is a will on file that I can request a copy online so I do not have to go through his wife. Which brings me to the next question why would she then file a will in probate? Some of you have commented that if there is a will there is no need to file sorry just a little bit confused. Thanks for all the responses is a very stressful time and no I cannot ask other family members as this woman is also a estranged from anyone else in my my dad’s family

All of which are indeed very valid reasons for you to be certain to obtain a copy of the will. It is incorrect that the presence of a will negates the need to file with the probate court. The fact that it has been filed within two months after the death indicates it was done very specifically and purposefully. Once you see the will you need to decide relatively quickly if there are questions you need to raise with an attorney, because there may be benefits to your stepmother in fast tracking the estate -- benefits which there may be an opportunity for you to have a share in if you take action. If it isn't absolutely plain to you upon reading the will, consult an attorney. It should not be incredibly expensive simply to confirm the meaning of all of the terms and provisions of the estate and have a clear picture of whether or not you need to step forward into the probate action as an heir. The attorney should be able to explain in very plain language in one meeting exactly why you should or should not register as an interested party in the probate matter.

 

[tvguy]

At times some of my case assignments are in the probate court. The wills and estates of plenty of average Janes and Joes absolutely do go through probate, often quite painfully. Even estates and trusts in the multi million dollar range drafted by the top of the field attorneys in trust and estate law wind up there.

It cannot be underestimated how much circumstances are simplified when the estate of two parents who were only married to each other is passed down to their only child.

Do they end up in probate court just "because"? Or are their legal defects in the wills or trusts? I grew up in a household where the book "How to Avoid Probate" was on the book shelf and it helped my mom when my dad died, and me, when my mom died, to avoid not only probate, but outside review of the will. Only document I had to produce was a death certificate and the trust when I sold the house.

 

[belleatdisney]

Perhaps a phone call or email requesting she let you come over or even that she send them (photos etc) to you.

 

[WebmasterKathy]

I think you may be getting different and confusing answers because laws are different state to state. Settling even a simple estate can be detailed- changing names on shared bank accounts, homes and cars, etc., and all of that requires court documentation. Don’t assume that your stepmother has any evil intent, despite her drama-queen tendencies.

Gently offering condolences and just telling her that it would mean a lot to you to have photos or some small personal item as a remembrance would be appropriate, and something she is probably not thinking about.

But unless there is some specific bequest to you laid out in his will (which sounds unlikely), you have no rights to his possessions. Do not announce that you are coming by to get things- they are hers to offer you, not yours to demand from her.

Review the will on your own to know what is there, and be gracious and grateful to your stepmother for anything she volunteers to share with you.