Should I ask my Dad's wife to see his will?

[cobright]

Even a seemingly simple will will end up in probate in some circumstances. This is obviously different from state to state, but often what puts an estate in probate is the transfer of titled assets like cars, 'real property' (land, buildings), investment holdings, and short-term financial assets. If these items are still in the deceased's name, a simple 'last will and testament' may not be enough to authorize an executor to dispose of the estate. These assets, if significant, are often transferred to a living trust in order to keep them out of probate. Another possibility is that the person named as executor of the estate can't or won't fulfill this role.

Some of the previous posts have said not to rush contact with your fathers wife, as her feelings may be raw. I might disagree. If there is one thing I have learned might be a 'human constant' is the desire to feel important. You are in a unique position to make use of this. Don't mention wills or inheritance to the step-mom, or to anyone else within the family if it could get back to her. Call her sometime you're pretty sure she'll be at home.

You start with something like, "I'm sorry I haven't reached out to you earlier. I meant to. Tried to. But... you know how difficult things were between dad and me..."

Now... I don't know the whole story of your father's and your estranged relationship. Generally these things follow an episode of atrocious behavior by one of the parties, or they follow a major disagreement that either or both parties are unable to resolve and equally unable to let stand in shared company.

If it's the first kind you are going to appeal to her for some way to connect with that past relationship you had before that horrible incident. Something like, "... I've just been remembering how things were during the good times and grieving for that. Do you think I might visit you sometime for tea and we could talk about him? And... oh I don't want this to come off wrong, but if there are any photographs or mementos from that better period of our relationship, they would mean so much to me."

If your estrangements was more of the latter, philosophical/moral/political disagreement sort of thing, your task becomes easier. Simply tell his wife that you can now see it his way and had been meaning to apologize but always put it off because of the hurt feelings on both sides. Ask if you might stop by to talk about the things he was up to during the last few estranged years. Say you regret not reconciling earlier, then ask if maybe there might be a few old photos or whatnot you might have... and so on...

This technique is a social lever. It gets more done than simply asking nice because it is giving the other person something in return. You give this person some validation (whether or not it's deserved) and then you give her an opportunity to be magnanimous. Even if she legitimately doesn't like you as a person, she may still be inclined to give you a little of what you want if it means you jumping through some hoops for it. If you have anything at all of your dad's that you could part with, mention it as something you think he would want her to have. Whether she accepts it or not, she will feel obligated to return the gesture.

Finally, if she's not willing to part with old photos, she should at least be willing to let you duplicate them. Google makes an android and iOs app called PhotoScan. It walks you through taking 3 or 4 pics of an old photo and then it combines them into a perfect, glare-free picture.

Good luck.

 

[gotomu212]

It doesn’t work that way, unless there is some funky “life estate” set up where she has use of assets but never really owns them.

If your FIL passes and leaves everything to his wife, those assets then become HERS, and she alone determines what happens to them next. Once they passed from your FIL to his wife, his control of them was over. He doesn’t get to dictate the next step in inheritance.

You can do some interesting things with trusts, although they aren’t iron clad. For example in ours there’s a prenup clause that if the surviving spouse remarries the new spouse must sign a prenup that excludes them from any part of the trust. If a prenup is not signed the surviving spouse “is considered dead on the date of their remarriage” and all assets proceed to the next beneficiaries (our children). We like to joke that the other will be smited dead from beyond the grave if they dare to remarry (jokingly of course). In this situation the trust “owns” the assets not the individual. Although the surviving spouse can sell off the trust assets to finance their lifestyle and the new spouse could squirrel some of that away in an independent account away from the trust. However the major assets and accounts cannot be transferred to new joint accounts.

 

[starry_solo]

It doesn’t work that way, unless there is some funky “life estate” set up where she has use of assets but never really owns them.

If your FIL passes and leaves everything to his wife, those assets then become HERS, and she alone determines what happens to them next. Once they passed from your FIL to his wife, his control of them was over. He doesn’t get to dictate the next step in inheritance.

It might be a pour-over trust.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

question is above..
Background Infos..

my father passed away in February. We had been estranged a few years. This was his choice ( my dad has many issues, alcohol personality disorder etc..).. After his passing I had heard from other Family members he had been meaning to call me the past few months. He had cancer. I went back home for the church Services and burial. All was actually civil with his wife (I had also not spoken to her in about 3 years).. Dealing with her is like Walking on egg Shells. Very difficult. Especially now that she is mourning.

What has been bothering me lately is that she had yet to contact me regarding any of his items or will. I do not want Money she can have the house and all that. what just gets me is that as his only child ( yes were estranged, but I've known him 52 years! I have no part in his personal belongings etc....I know he has Pictures of me and other items that are from "his previous life" with my mom.... I feel like I Need to address this stuff..

I am just scared to Approach his wife,, she is a real Drama queen and can get ballistic.. I just feel in These cases, children should be involved. I would do that with my Kids... Now I understand the whole estranged Thing throws a pickle, but my Uncle told me to ask about the will. For me it's more the principle that as my Dad's only child I should have a right in dealing with his estate.. Now if he wrote in his will specifically He wants me not involved so be it.. But shouldnt his wife let me know officially?

Unless there are some non marital assets involved, or some sort of prior agreement regarding the marital assets, it's all going to his current wife regardless of the will. And seeing as how all you want is some pictures, ask for them. I can't see how she'd want any pictures of his ex and you before she even knew him.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

OP, you said your father was an alcoholic with a personality disorder. I'm very sorry. I imagine your relationship with him was always tumultuous stretching back as far as you can remember. There's nothing you could've done to have changed that dynamic. Those were his failings, not yours.

Forgive me if I'm overstepping here, but I'm reading between the lines and this is what I see. You don't want money, but you want to see your father's will. You don't want money, but you think laws should mandate children receive an inheritance. You don't want money, but you want to talk to the widow to see if anything has been set aside for you.

I believe that you don't want money. I think you want to see your father's will because you want to see if he cared about you enough to include you in it. Possibly, you think it might shed some light onto his feelings about you prior to his death? You want to know if he regretted the estrangement, or if he remained angry, or if he forgot all about you and moved on with his life? You're looking for any indication that he still loved you?

Alcoholics are broken people who can sometimes get well. Personality disordered people are broken people who rarely get themselves well because they're too broken to understand anything is wrong with them. It's highly unlikely your father ever saw the error of his ways and I worry you're not going to find the validation you may be looking for. I think it's okay to request a copy of the will and to reach out to the widow, but please prepare yourself for the possibility that doing so will bring you more hurt. And remember, people who willingly enter into relationships with broken people do so because they have their own mountain of dysfunction. Keep your expectations low for dealing with his widow.

Your energy may be better spent on seeking therapy if you find your father's death is opening old wounds for you.

 

[Poohforyou]

Is there a family member who gets along with your father's wife that can help you approach her? If you were named in his will you would have been contacted. You can of course contest it but only you can decide whether that's worth it.

As for personal item especially pictures as the like I think it's very reasonable to ask about that. Get someone to help you.

 

[tvguy]

It doesn’t work that way, unless there is some funky “life estate” set up where she has use of assets but never really owns them.

If your FIL passes and leaves everything to his wife, those assets then become HERS, and she alone determines what happens to them next. Once they passed from your FIL to his wife, his control of them was over. He doesn’t get to dictate the next step in inheritance.

He didn't dictate it. That is what is in HER will. And was in his too if she passed first.

But it could be one of the stipulations of a trust. And generally estate planners want all assets except vehicles and IRA/401K assets in a trust.

 

[Smuggs]

In Pennsylvania they do not do anything with a will for the first spouse that dies. Everything automatically becomes the property of the surviving spouse. No will is filed.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For the record my dad cut me out. Long story but I was not at fault. Since his remarriage his whole family has been cut off. For no good reasons. He had a normal relationship with all his siblings and his only child. I have stated I wish no money. I only really want sentimental items that includes things feom my past life with my father. My opinion as his only blood Heir I would expect to be shown a will I jave not. My previous post stated laws that protect child in such cases. One can argue no one is intitled, neither are spouses. What my father choose is his wish legally where he lives. Infeel I have a right to see it in writing.

You will, right? You requested a copy of the will?

 

[mummabear]

Do not announce that you are coming by to get things- they are hers to offer you, not yours to demand from her.

I don’t know, photos of OP and her father from before the stepmother enterted the picture are hers to ask for-not the stepmothers to keep.

 

[monsterkitty]

OP, my sister and I were in this position when my father died. He had changed his life insurance policy to that my sister and I were the beneficiaries shortly before he died. My step mother was a legal secretary, however, and somehow after the death his life insurance went to her. His will also disappeared, despite my uncle having a copy. We didn't want things to get ugly so we let it be.

Whatever, it didn't matter to us. We didn't care about the money or anything else. We just wanted our childhood pictures and mementos from our grandmother. Unfortunately our step-monster, I mean step-mother threw away the family albums and gave away everything that was my dad's and my grandmothers. It's just how she is and who she is. Fortunately before my parents divorced, my mom did split family pictures between her and my father so we do have those. Our uncles have also included us in their wills so we will receive some of our grandmother's belongings. Some of those items they have already given to us.

It's hard and it's not fair. Watching my step-siblings raid my dad's workshop of tools and items he made was heartbreaking because we knew we would never get any of his hand-made furniture. We didn't care about anything monetarily, just as memories. We were mad, hurt, and even bitter for a while, but we moved on because we couldn't let this consume us. We still have memories that can never be taken.

 

[mummabear]

I couldn't imagine a surviving spouse having to sell a house to pay off adult children from a previous marriage.

The surviving spouse could end up out on their rear, without a place to live.

Unfortunately all to often when second spouses are involved it can leave the children with no inheritance.

 

[SirDuff]

He didn't dictate it. That is what is in HER will. And was in his too if she passed first.

But it could be one of the stipulations of a trust. And generally estate planners want all assets except vehicles and IRA/401K assets in a trust.

That's not what you said in your previous post.

My FIL died and my wife has a step mother and 2 step sisters. His will said everything goes to his wife, and when she passes, everything is to be divided between my wife and her 2 step sisters. There was no probate. Only thing my wife had to do, due to an odd law in Texas, was release any claim to her father's car via a notarized form. Apparently in Texas, cars can only be registered in one name, not jointly held, and Texas law presumes a blood relative has first rights to a vehicle over a spouse.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you’re not interested in an inheritance I wouldn’t worry about the will. If you’re in it you’ll be contacted.

As far as photos or other mementos, I’d try and approach his wife as calmly and kindly as possible and ask if you could have them. Be prepared for her to say no.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I don’t know, photos of OP and her father from before the stepmother enterted the picture are hers to ask for-not the stepmothers to keep.

Not true. I suspect what you're really thinking is, "These photos have no value to step-mom, why would she want them?", which is a valid thought. But the fact remains, the step-mom still owns the photos, along with his bank account and good china and old socks. If it were me, or any rational person, giving the photos to his only child would be sensible and kind. That doesn't mean it's going to happen--we don't know if the step-mom is rational or has a kind nature.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I doubt that he would have written specifically that you are not to be involved. But he may have simply left everything to his wife. I can say that in my mother's will, she only mentioned one item, her wedding set. Nothing else was mentioned. And with my father, only a couple of items were mentioned. Those items were very specific. Pictures or similar items were not mentioned at all.

It certainly could be that since you were estranged, he didn't feel that he needed to leave anything to you. Three years is a long time. (And yes, I understand being estranged. My own mother was estranged from her family for over 30 years. And my MIL hasn't spoken to anyone in my family, including her son, for 9 years.)

There actually can be a specification ... nothing goes to specific person/people.

Sorry for your loss OP. In your shoes, if you are seeking any type of photographs, asking to make copies ( thereby leaving her with originals) would be a door opener for you.) Momento’s? They may mean nothing to her and something to you, but unless she agrees ( or it’s in the will, which is questionable) she is in control and having to ask her for a “thing” may cause more harm than good.
No one knows what your stepmother is thinking.. and it might be that she thinks you are of no consequence.. having not seen or spoken to her/your father for years and thru his illness. Regardless of what other family members indicated your father wanted.. unless he specified, it sadly means nothing.
Eventually the will, will be read and if anything goes to you, you ll learn of it then. I’d leave that alone with your stepmom.
you could try probate /court info ( if even applicable).
Again, sorry for your loss.

 

[cabanafrau]

It might be a pour-over trust.

It would be a pour over will. That is the means by which many estate plans move the assets of the estate into the trust upon the death of the settlor.

 

[cabanafrau]

He didn't dictate it. That is what is in HER will. And was in his too if she passed first.

But it could be one of the stipulations of a trust. And generally estate planners want all assets except vehicles and IRA/401K assets in a trust.

A great many estates do not rise to the threshold where establishment of a trust is recommended. As for what estate planners "want" in trusts, it varies greatly.

 

[tvguy]

That's not what you said in your previous post.

Thus...I clarified.

 

[tvguy]

A great many estates do not rise to the threshold where establishment of a trust is recommended. As for what estate planners "want" in trusts, it varies greatly.

$100,000 seems to be the common level, which most folks with a house will be at.
http://money.cnn.com/retirement/guide/estateplanning_trusts.moneymag/index4.htm