Should I confront my best friend or just accept the situation?

[dish rag]

Hard to say without hearing the other side.

Recently I was asked by a female friend to help intervene with a problem between her son, who I knew since he was a child and her daughter in law. My friend is a sensible person but I told her I would have to hear the other side first. And when I did it was shocking to me. It was like hearing 3 complete different events of what happened.

 

[Princess Steph]

Part of being an adult is accepting that your friends can have other friends, even friends that you really dislike/disapprove of. In the situation you described, your friend hasn't done anything wrong, so it wouldn't be fair for you to cancel the trip with her. If I had a friend who tried to control who else I was friends with, that friendship would soon be over.

Oh, I totally agree. I can’t tell her she can’t be friends bc that is wrong. I’m just not sure I can be reminded 24/7. Selfish I guess but it physically makes me sick thinking about it.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Part of being an adult is accepting that your friends can have other friends, even friends that you really dislike/disapprove of. In the situation you described, your friend hasn't done anything wrong, so it wouldn't be fair for you to cancel the trip with her. If I had a friend who tried to control who else I was friends with, that friendship would soon be over.

Sure, friends with someone you don't particularly like is fine. But friends with someone who is actively mean to you is something different.

I watched DS back away from a friendship this summer because, even though the kid was great to him, he was treating another of DS's friends badly due to race. It was really hard for him, but even at his age, DS knew he couldn't in good conscience just ignore that and "be friends with both".

 

[quandrea]

You make a good point. You think I can trust her to see that the SIL lies and to not believe her? I guess I can put my guard down and if something happens deal with it. I think I’m just trying to protect myself from the inevitable erosion of my friendship

You know your friend best. In my case, I know without a doubt that my mother's friends' ethics and values are above reproach. They are truly decent, kind people. I trust them completely. Not sure if you have that same complete faith in your friend, from what I'm reading. That makes it tougher.

 

[Princess Steph]

Hard to say without hearing the other side.

Recently I was asked by a female friend to help intervene with a problem between her son, who I knew since he was a child and her daughter in law. My friend is a sensible person but I told her I would have to hear the other side first. And when I did it was shocking to me. It was like hearing 3 complete different events of what happened.

You sound like my husband who in 26 years has never taken my side and thinks I overreact but he is taking my view on this one! I can hardly believe it but he knows better than anyone how his sister is bc he grew up with her lying and manipulating everyone. He has tried to explain to Deb but I’m not sure it’s helped.

 

[Frozen Canuck]

I went through a similar experience a lifetime ago. It did not take long for my best friend and my "adversary" to start swapping information about me and discussing personal things about me behind my back. My friend knew how I felt about what was happening. At one point, I confronted her when the other person had information about me that she would otherwise not have had. (You tend to confide in a best friend and not so much in someone who is out to get you.) In my situation, an arrangement where I could continue to be friendly with my best friend would have been untenable. The trust had already been broken, and while she had every right to choose her own friends, I had every right to choose my friends as well. I chose to surround myself with people who were honest and who truly cared about me and my feelings. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." If your friend is showing you who truly she is, believe her. In my situation, I ended the long-term friendship. It was hard, and it hurt, but it was the right decision for me based on the situation. Only you can decide what you want to do about your trip, and while the husbands being friends part complicates things somewhat, the guys can still get together on their own to hang out. I would personally find it hard to enjoy myself on a trip or even in other friend-type situations with someone who I was holding at arm's length to protect myself.

 

[Skywalker]

I think it is always a mistake to be possessive about relationships, especially friendships which aren't inherently supposed to be exclusive. When you say befriended that could mean lots of things. Like are they just friendly to each other and get together now and then because they make each other laugh? Or is it like they are best friends sharing secrets 24/7?

Either way, unless you think their entire relationship is all about you somehow, I would put it out of my mind just continue my friendship. I realize you don't want your sister in law to "win" this one, but other peoples relationships aren't yours to manage. Your friend could be finding something of value in the relationship with your sister in law, even if you don't.

I have friends that went through this exact thing, with one friend telling me how betrayed she felt that "so and so" was hanging out with "so and so" after "so and so" did what she did, etc. I know my friend felt stung for a bit but she has now put it behind her and has accepted it. She is still friends with the one for what it is, and doesn't engage at all about the other one. It can be done.

Now, if you find that your friend actively is doing or saying something against you, that would be different.

 

[CarolAnn856]

If you weren't discussing in-laws and husbands, I would honestly think that this was about high school drama. I'd love to hear your friend's and your sister-in-law's version of this. Might be interesting.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I think there a lot more to this story. I don't think I would "confront" anyone.

 

[luvsJack]

First I think you are giving your SIL way too much power over you. She doesn't like you? Fine. Let her be who she be. And don't give it another thought. She isn't going to stop talking about you so let her talk. But don't let it affect you. Is what she saying true? If not, you know the truth.

Second, your friend certainly has the right to hang out with whomever she wants to. You cannot control that. Give her warning about SIL's lies and manipulation and let her figure it out.

You have been friends 20 years. She knows you. She may listen to what your sil says but she should be able to determine what lies are being told.

It doesn't sound like your friend has done anything. Obviously you and she have talked about this. She knows how you feel about your sil and she has the right to either share your opinion or have a different one.

If you end this long term friendship, you are going to look like the bad guy and you will be without your friend. I would just leave it alone and let it play out. She will either figure out who and what your sil is or maybe she will be a good influence on your sil. Either way, it's not something you can control.

 

[VandVsmama]

That’s why I can’t trust either of them or the loyalty. If I did not have to see my SIL I would never talk to her. She is not a nice person. My BFF is just a sweet friendly person but doesn’t think about my feelings

A good friend would think about your feelings. Maybe she's not as good of a friend as she was in the past. Perhaps since she has branched out a bit with making new friends, you should, too. Eventually, your SIL will show her back side enough to your friend and she will learn the hard way. In the meantime, she perhaps might be just assuming that your SIL can't be nearly as bad as you've described. If you choose to continue to hang out with her, you definitely should not tell your friend ANYTHING that you do not want your SIL to know. Assume for the time being that NOTHING you say to your friend will be held in confidence.

 

[Princess Steph]

If you weren't discussing in-laws and husbands, I would honestly think that this was about high school drama. I'd love to hear your friend's and your sister-in-law's version of this. Might be interesting.

My SIL says everyone is allowed to be friends with who ever. She is correct. My BFF says SIL is being nice. This does feel like middle school jealous but we have many mutual friends that we each hang out with without any problem. It’s fun to know each other’s lives like that. This is my manipulative SIL and it’s already started to come between us. For example, my family always goes to thanksgiving at my in laws. My SIL and her family are there too. 26 years but this year I have to work and won’t be going. SIL called MIL and said Deb and family had no where to go and MIL should invite them. It was a lie but I think she wants Deb to be there when Im not. My husband got upset bc he said “what kind of friend am I that I don’t know that my best friend has no where to go on thanksgivin?” So he called BFF who is going to their inlaws which is what we assumed. But SIL will lie to manipulate a situation her way. When I asked SIL why she said that, she denied the whole thing but MIL confirmed the lie. This does sound so stupid and I’m not usually this dramatic I’m much More matter of fact and no nonsense which is why I have no idea what to do or say. I have no experience with this. All I know is I can’t change others only myself

 

[VandVsmama]

I think that you should cancel your Disney trip with this friend.

 

[VandVsmama]

My SIL says everyone is allowed to be friends with who ever. She is correct. My BFF says SIL is being nice. This does feel like middle school jealous but we have many mutual friends that we each hang out with without any problem. It’s fun to know each other’s lives like that. This is my manipulative SIL and it’s already started to come between us. For example, my family always goes to thanksgiving at my in laws. My SIL and her family are there too. 26 years but this year I have to work and won’t be going. SIL called MIL and said Deb and family had no where to go and MIL should invite them. It was a lie but I think she wants Deb to be there when Im not. My husband got upset bc he said “what kind of friend am I that I don’t know that my best friend has no where to go on thanksgivin?” So he called BFF who is going to their inlaws which is what we assumed. But SIL will lie to manipulate a situation her way. When I asked SIL why she said that, she denied the whole thing but MIL confirmed the lie. This does sound so stupid and I’m not usually this dramatic I’m much More matter of fact and no nonsense which is why I have no idea what to do or say. I have no experience with this. All I know is I can’t change others only myself

This sort of nonsense is why your friendship w/your BFF will soon be over, frankly. And shame on your DH for taking his sister at her word. Unfortunately, it is your friendship w/your BFF that will get caught in the crossfire. Your SIL sounds like a pretty horrible person.

And if your MIL is backing up the lies that your SIL spreads, why would you want to spend time with your MIL or SIL on ANY holiday?

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

Poison is poison, you can’t take it in small doses or big gulps. Disengage from these negative relationships.

 

[Allison]

This sounds very high schoolish. If this is a best friend of 20 years, you really can't sit down and have an honest discussion instead of a confrontation?

 

[Princess Steph]

This sort of nonsense is why your friendship w/your BFF will soon be over, frankly. And shame on your DH for taking his sister at her word. Unfortunately, it is your friendship w/your BFF that will get caught in the crossfire. Your SIL sounds like a pretty horrible person.

And if your MIL is backing up the lies that your SIL spreads, why would you want to spend time with your MIL or SIL on ANY holiday?

I don’t know why I go to holidays w inlaws. I hate it but do it for my husband and kids who like the tradition.

 

[mjkacmom]

This sounds like grade school nonsense, if you are friends with her, you can no longer be my friend. Crazy! Let them have their friendship, it will either flourish or fall apart. Even the most miserable people have friends, what bothers some might not bother others.

If you end this long term friendship, it’s totally on you.

 

[luvsJack]

My SIL says everyone is allowed to be friends with who ever. She is correct. My BFF says SIL is being nice. This does feel like middle school jealous but we have many mutual friends that we each hang out with without any problem. It’s fun to know each other’s lives like that. This is my manipulative SIL and it’s already started to come between us. For example, my family always goes to thanksgiving at my in laws. My SIL and her family are there too. 26 years but this year I have to work and won’t be going. SIL called MIL and said Deb and family had no where to go and MIL should invite them. It was a lie but I think she wants Deb to be there when Im not. My husband got upset bc he said “what kind of friend am I that I don’t know that my best friend has no where to go on thanksgivin?” So he called BFF who is going to their inlaws which is what we assumed. But SIL will lie to manipulate a situation her way. When I asked SIL why she said that, she denied the whole thing but MIL confirmed the lie. This does sound so stupid and I’m not usually this dramatic I’m much More matter of fact and no nonsense which is why I have no idea what to do or say. I have no experience with this. All I know is I can’t change others only myself

Your husband knows how your sil is, why did he question you on this? And doesn't your mil also know how she is?

I would stop confronting sil about stuff like this or even try to figure out WHY she does it. Just say "well you know how she is" to anyone that questions any thing she says. The only thing I would have done in that situation is call my friend and say "Hey, y'all are going to the in laws for Thanksgiving aren't you?" When she said yes then just say "ok, just wanted to double check. SIL said you didn't have anywhere to go and we were going to extend an invite to mil's".

Sounds like sil is stuck somewhere in adolescence. You just can't let someone like that control your life. And certainly can't let her end your 20 year friendship!

I wouldn't cancel the trip with your friend. I would let her know that sil will not be included. Sounds like a great time to reconnect and solidify that friendship bond.

 

[dish rag]

This sounds very high schoolish. If this is a best friend of 20 years, you really can't sit down and have an honest discussion instead of a confrontation?

I thought the same. Was surprised to see that it's not. Especially with the use of b/c and so forth. But this is the kind of topic that goes on and on, on the dis. People get drawn into the drama.