Should I confront my best friend or just accept the situation?

[IAHFTPT]

I thought the same. Was surprised to see that it's not. Especially with the use of b/c and so forth. But this is the kind of topic that goes on and on, on the dis. People get drawn into the drama.

Looks like you got drawn in yourself.

 

[CynBeth]

Sorry this story is long. Unfortunately I have been in a similar situation. I met J in high school. She is a year younger than me but came from another country so she was a few years behind me in school. We became best friends. She dated guys and it seemed like every guy either verbally or physically abused her. She was always needing my help with various things. She met a guy in college and I suspected there was something not right. She told him what I said and he sent me an e-mail telling me he was going to tell lies about me to her to break us up. She believed everything he said and our friendship was rocky for a while until she discovered I was right about him and he dumped her for someone he was cheating on her with. She apologized to me. I accepted it but should have dropped her then. I became friends with a girl I met in college I will call A. I did not know her for very long but felt close to her so in addition to my best friend when my husband S proposed I asked both of them to be my bridesmaids. I was getting married a month after I graduated college so during my last 2 years of college our bridal party spent a lot of time together and J and A became friends as did a joint male friend JT who got my husband and I together. I invited those friends and my future husband along with my family to college graduation and we went to lunch afterwards. There was a wait and the restaurant was in a mall so the girls decided to take a walk. I stayed with the others. I did not know this until months later but A said all sorts of horrible things about me to J behind my back and also found out this was not the first time she spoke about me behind my back to her and JT.
I have no clue why she decided she did not like me anymore but still wanted to be in the wedding. When I returned from the honeymoon A would not take my calls or answer e-mails. That is when I found out from J and JT that A did not like me anymore and all the times she spoke about me behind my back and asked them not to tell me she wanted me to figure it out on my own. I tried to contact A one last time just to get closure and find out a few things but she refused.
I decided to give those friends another chance that she put them in a difficult position. We stayed friends with JT until he unexpectedly passed away a number of years ago. J got engaged maybe 6 or 7 years ago. She was horrible to me the short time she had to put the wedding together and even on the day itself I got it from both her and her ex husband ( they divorced a few years later he ended up also being terrible). Most of the time we were friends I was always the one to make the effort to call or e-mail. About 4 years ago my husband had a medical issue and was in and out if the hospital as various doctors tried to figure out what was going on. J called one day and unfortunately we were waiting on an important call from a doctor so I did not look at caller ID and was so stunned it was her. I said something about how it was not a good time that S is sick and we’re waiting on an important call from a doctor could we talk some other time. She never called. It was at that point I realized she was never a friend. A real friend would have called or e-mail asking what was going on and if she could help. We had people in my place of worship contacting us all the time even people we were not close to but the person who I had been friends with for years could not be bothered. I realized all the years we were friends the friendship was always about her. A real friend would have told me what A was doing so I could speak to her and remove her from my wedding party or make an effort to contact or spend time with me. She did e-mail me once or twice to tell me about the divorce and how she met a new guy and felt she was getting too old to have a child so even though she barely knew him she got pregnant and married him. JT never asked about my husband. I have not heard from her since so have no clue if she is still with him and if she has any more kids.

I would advise you to not keep your friendship with this person. It sounds like she is not on your side and you do not need someone like that in your life.

 

[VandVsmama]

If you do decide to continue on with the Disney trip, don't be surprised if SIL suddenly decides to arrange a Disney trip for those same dates, as well, followed by a "Let's all hang out together!" from your BFF. I bet your BFF has no clue that she's being manipulated and being used as a Flying Monkey.

 

[J'aime Paris]

You sound like my husband who in 26 years has never taken my side and thinks I overreact but he is taking my view on this one! I can hardly believe it but he knows better than anyone how his sister is bc he grew up with her lying and manipulating everyone. He has tried to explain to Deb but I’m not sure it’s helped.

Your DH hasn't taken your side in 26 years???
Either you do overreact, or you need to be worrying about DH...not BFF

This does sound like a middle school spat.

 

[VandVsmama]

I'm going to think out loud about your situation for a bit here. Bear with me.

1. I'm guessing that you've been friends w/BFF for a long time. Given that, on the one hand, you kind of owe it to BFF to talk to her about it.
2. On the other hand, it sounds like you've done that already and BFF got defensive.
3. The issue here is not about loyalty. It's a free country and you can be friends with whoever you want.
4. The issue is about TRUST. SIL befriended BFF. BFF chose to not tell you because she knew you'd get upset because she knew how you felt about SIL. Eventually the truth came out and, what do you know, you got upset. BFF should not be surprised here. BFF lied by omission. She left out significant facts. If this had to do with someone who was NOT a toxic person (i.e., somebody not like SIL), then this would all be a non-issue and it wouldn't be a big deal.
5. But a really toxic person has befriended your BFF, is spending time with your BFF, BFF is withholding information from you now, BFF is starting to act different, etc., etc. All since BFF started hanging out with the toxic person.
6. SIL's tactics are starting to work on BFF. Regardless of what your SIL's motives are and regardless of what the reasons are for the change in behavior on your BFF's part, your BFF is becoming a bit of a different person. Perhaps someone you don't trust as much as you used to.
7. So why would you want to go on an expensive trip with someone who you feel you can't trust very well?
8. Why would you confide anything in someone when there's a really good possibility that the person will share the info with said Toxic Person?
9. Your friendship with BFF is slowly dying on the vine while your SIL is involved.
10. The best way to handle this would be to drop the rope. Just disengage. If all the times you & BFF get together, it involves you initiating it, YOU calling her, etc., then just stop calling. If this has primarily been a 1-way friendship, then BFF won't call you and the friendship will die a natural death.
11. OR if you want a big dramatic "Real Housewives of ___" style confrontation, then go ahead and confront her about all this, but it won't go very well and then you will end up proving to your SIL that you are everything that she claims you are (whatever that is).
12. If, on the other hand, your friendship with BFF is more of a 2-way street, then if you trail off on initiating phone calls, text msgs, etc. to her and if BFF doesn't reach out to you as often as she used to, then rather than confront her, take that as a sign that the friendship is trailing off. Again, let it die its own natural death instead of a big Hollywood-style blow up.
13. If you let the friendship wither up on its own, then you leave the possibility open later on for the friendship rekindling. Because eventually, at some point, your BFF will get burned by SIL. Your BFF is perhaps really naïve and a trusting person...just the sort of fresh meat for a Toxic Person like your SIL.
14. Whatever you do with all of this friendship drama....it's basically being initiated by SIL...and the best way to deal with passive-aggressive, manipulative people is to just not play the game. Don't dance the dance with them. Disengage completely.

 

[kaytieeldr]

This sort of nonsense is why your friendship w/your BFF will soon be over, frankly. And shame on your DH for taking his sister at her word. Unfortunately, it is your friendship w/your BFF that will get caught in the crossfire. Your SIL sounds like a pretty horrible person.

Your husband knows how your sil is, why did he question you on this? And doesn't your mil also know how she is?

I dont see where her husband is taking his sister's word here. The OP reports his lament about himself - "what kind of friend am I that..." He's not questioning her reaction/response/feelings.

And if your MIL is backing up the lies that your SIL spreads, why would you want to spend time with your MIL or SIL on ANY holiday?

n
Where is her MIL backing up the lie? Because she took at face value that Deb's family had nowhere to go?You

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

Just go with your family to WDW. You're not in middle school anymore and you don't need this crap. Take care of you and your family.

 

[kaytieeldr]

• I'm guessing that you've been friends w/BFF for a long time. Given that, on the one hand, you kind of owe it to BFF to talk to her about it.

• On the other hand, it sounds like you've done that already and BFF got defensive.

First point - yes, 26 years, I think. It's in this thread somewhere.

Second point - we don't know how the BFF and the OP have been interacting. We have only the OP's version. She could be repeatedly harping on the BFF, about the SIL friendship.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm going to think out loud about your situation for a bit here. Bear with me.

1. I'm guessing that you've been friends w/BFF for a long time. Given that, on the one hand, you kind of owe it to BFF to talk to her about it.
2. On the other hand, it sounds like you've done that already and BFF got defensive.
3. The issue here is not about loyalty. It's a free country and you can be friends with whoever you want.
4. The issue is about TRUST. SIL befriended BFF. BFF chose to not tell you because she knew you'd get upset because she knew how you felt about SIL. Eventually the truth came out and, what do you know, you got upset. BFF should not be surprised here. BFF lied by omission. She left out significant facts. If this had to do with someone who was NOT a toxic person (i.e., somebody not like SIL), then this would all be a non-issue and it wouldn't be a big deal.
5. But a really toxic person has befriended your BFF, is spending time with your BFF, BFF is withholding information from you now, BFF is starting to act different, etc., etc. All since BFF started hanging out with the toxic person.
6. SIL's tactics are starting to work on BFF. Regardless of what your SIL's motives are and regardless of what the reasons are for the change in behavior on your BFF's part, your BFF is becoming a bit of a different person. Perhaps someone you don't trust as much as you used to.
7. So why would you want to go on an expensive trip with someone who you feel you can't trust very well?
8. Why would you confide anything in someone when there's a really good possibility that the person will share the info with said Toxic Person?
9. Your friendship with BFF is slowly dying on the vine while your SIL is involved.
10. The best way to handle this would be to drop the rope. Just disengage. If all the times you & BFF get together, it involves you initiating it, YOU calling her, etc., then just stop calling. If this has primarily been a 1-way friendship, then BFF won't call you and the friendship will die a natural death.
11. OR if you want a big dramatic "Real Housewives of ___" style confrontation, then go ahead and confront her about all this, but it won't go very well and then you will end up proving to your SIL that you are everything that she claims you are (whatever that is).
12. If, on the other hand, your friendship with BFF is more of a 2-way street, then if you trail off on initiating phone calls, text msgs, etc. to her and if BFF doesn't reach out to you as often as she used to, then rather than confront her, take that as a sign that the friendship is trailing off. Again, let it die its own natural death instead of a big Hollywood-style blow up.
13. If you let the friendship wither up on its own, then you leave the possibility open later on for the friendship rekindling. Because eventually, at some point, your BFF will get burned by SIL. Your BFF is perhaps really naïve and a trusting person...just the sort of fresh meat for a Toxic Person like your SIL.
14. Whatever you do with all of this friendship drama....it's basically being initiated by SIL...and the best way to deal with passive-aggressive, manipulative people is to just not play the game. Don't dance the dance with them. Disengage completely.

Can you point out where the OP states her friend is changing? Is becoming a different person?

 

[mousefan73]

don't know your age, but I am in my 40s.. I am too old for this drama...... sometimes relationships change and expire.. sad but true. like marriages.. sometimes people go in different directions.. Ask yourself besides the drama of what is going on now, is this relationship worth it? I sense some jealousy issues .. from both sides.. maybe more from your side jealousy ( SIL "stealing" friend) mixed with disappointment and insecurity.. ... These are very negative feelings.. Insecurity has killed many relationships. Let the relationship naturally cool off.

But one thing certain.. forbidding your BF to have a relationship with your SIL puts you in fault. Dont do that. That is childish. Let things naturally evolve. But protect yourself, dont be so open at the moment with your BF.

 

[amberpi]

Sure, friends with someone you don't particularly like is fine. But friends with someone who is actively mean to you is something different.

I watched DS back away from a friendship this summer because, even though the kid was great to him, he was treating another of DS's friends badly due to race. It was really hard for him, but even at his age, DS knew he couldn't in good conscience just ignore that and "be friends with both".

It sounds like you are raising an honorable, considerate and measured young man. Good work, mom!

OP - lots of good thoughts here. I just wanted to say, I had to get rid of a toxic friend about decade ago because while she was lovely to ME, she was a horrible witch to my other friends and was causing a ton of hurt. I couldn't continue the friendship after a while, and I still miss that person. It was the right decision though and I've never second guessed it. I think watching the situation develop for a bit before acting might be best. Of course, unless you're talking about abusive situations, it's usually never a bad/wrong decision to gather further information. She could come to her own realizations soon, and I hope she does. Good luck and hugs.

Also, sucks you can't rid of the SIL. I had one of the worst, and after getting divorced I've literally only thought of that selfish you know what, when people talk about their crazy toxic family, in-laws, etc.

 

[Princess Steph]

This sounds very high schoolish. If this is a best friend of 20 years, you really can't sit down and have an honest discussion instead of a confrontation?

I think I’ll ask her to meet my for coffee tomorrow and tell her she can be friends with whomever and we will see how it goes. I think I’ll cancel the trip though. I won’t confront her, just tell her how I feel and if that offends her so be it. I’ll find out what our friendship is made of. Thanks for all the insight. Hard thing for me.

 

[Princess Steph]

A good friend would think about your feelings. Maybe she's not as good of a friend as she was in the past. Perhaps since she has branched out a bit with making new friends, you should, too. Eventually, your SIL will show her back side enough to your friend and she will learn the hard way. In the meantime, she perhaps might be just assuming that your SIL can't be nearly as bad as you've described. If you choose to continue to hang out with her, you definitely should not tell your friend ANYTHING that you do not want your SIL to know. Assume for the time being that NOTHING you say to your friend will be held in confidence.

Yes, trust and loyalty are eroded. Not what you would call a friend at this point.

 

[luvsJack]

I dont see where her husband is taking his sister's word here. The OP reports his lament about himself - "what kind of friend am I that..." He's not questioning her reaction/response/feelings.
n
Where is her MIL backing up the lie? Because she took at face value that Deb's family had nowhere to go?You

Oops. Misread there. Well my response still stands. I just wouldn't have confronted sil about saying it. I would have called my friend and asked and then said I was just making sure due to what sil said.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes, trust and loyalty are eroded. Not what you would call a friend at this point.

Do you 100% know that your friend is being "toxic" or that she is talking about you or anything she is being accused of? All you have said that came out of her mouth is that sil is being nice to her which may be very true (perhaps a fake nice but nice all the same).

It just sounds like you are cutting off a friendship and cancelling plans all on assumptions. If you cancel and suddenly your friend plans to go with sil, how will you take that? I mean after all, it will be on you not your friend.

 

[Princess Steph]

If you do decide to continue on with the Disney trip, don't be surprised if SIL suddenly decides to arrange a Disney trip for those same dates, as well, followed by a "Let's all hang out together!" from your BFF. I bet your BFF has no clue that she's being manipulated and being used as a Flying Monkey.

So SIL already made a comment to BFF “let’s plan a girls weekend away”. Not sure if they would include me but I don’t care. I don’t feel “left out”, it’s really not that. I don’t care who she hangs out with. We both have other close friends from work, gym, religion, kids. It does not feel like jealousy. I felt jealous when my parents bought my brother a car, jealous that I did not get a car. It feels more like fear or hurt of losing someone you love and care about.

 

[cinnaminny]

Initially this feels like jealous high school drama....BUT if I put myself in your shoes, I have a sister in law (ex sister in law) who was a horrible human being who hated my guts. I haven't seen this person in 10 years and she still talks about me?!?!?! If one of my friends decided to be friends with her, it would ruin our relationship. Ruined like, bridge burned, dead in the water. So I'm probably not one to give advice on this one, but I can empathize with you. I know what its like to have a horrible SIL. Hopefully your friendship survives.

 

[Princess Steph]

Do you 100% know that your friend is being "toxic" or that she is talking about you or anything she is being accused of? All you have said that came out of her mouth is that sil is being nice to her which may be very true (perhaps a fake nice but nice all the same).

It just sounds like you are cutting off a friendship and cancelling plans all on assumptions. If you cancel and suddenly your friend plans to go with sil, how will you take that? I mean after all, it will be on you not your friend.

I think you are really right!!!!
The only 2 things she said are “I knew you would be mad” when I told her I could not believe they were shopping and spending time. She knew, but went anyways(and hide it from me presumably to protect my feelings) And told me that she would be upset if she found out I was hanging with her SIL. Which leads me to believe she knows exactly how I feel but does not care.
At this moment I can’t think about traveling with her. I’ll make that decision in January. If things don’t go well over the next month or so I’ll decide.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think I’ll ask her to meet my for coffee tomorrow and tell her she can be friends with whomever and we will see how it goes. I think I’ll cancel the trip though. I won’t confront her, just tell her how I feel and if that offends her so be it. I’ll find out what our friendship is made of. Thanks for all the insight. Hard thing for me.

That's not how I'd say it, if I were to meet with her. (Because that really does sound high-schoolish. It's already implied that people have the right to be friends with whomever they choose.) I would let her know that "I feel hurt because my long-term best friend has been listening to someone she knows doesn't have my best interests at heart" or something to that effect. With certain words or terms you risk her becoming defensive and then any meaningful dialogue will break down. Just let her know how this has made you feel - without saying anything about the future of your friendship. The onus is on her to either fix it in regards to you - if she wants to keep the friendship - or be cut loose, because you have the right to not feel hurt by a friend. This way you've set the stage for her to put up or shut up, so to speak. If she continues down the same path, then you have your answer - because she knows you're hurt by this and if she continues anyway, then it's clear she doesn't care. If she does make changes, then you can see how it goes. Good luck. Personally, if a friend did that to me, the writing would be on the wall that she wasn't so good a friend in the first place. We've probably all had that realization at one time or another, and it does suck, but life goes on. Find people that actually care about you, your feelings, and your trust.

 

[mjkacmom]

That's not how I'd say it, if I were to meet with her. (Because that really does sound high-schoolish. It's already implied that people have the right to be friends with whomever they choose.) I would let her know that "I feel hurt because my long-term best friend has been listening to someone she knows doesn't have my best interests at heart" or something to that effect. With certain words or terms you risk her becoming defensive and then any meaningful dialogue will break down. Just let her know how this has made you feel - without saying anything about the future of your friendship. The onus is on her to either fix it in regards to you - if she wants to keep the friendship - or be cut loose, because you have the right to not feel hurt by a friend. This way you've set the stage for her to put up or shut up, so to speak. If she continues down the same path, then you have your answer - because she knows you're hurt by this and if she continues anyway, then it's clear she doesn't care. If she does make changes, then you can see how it goes. Good luck. Personally, if a friend did that to me, the writing would be on the wall that she wasn't so good a friend in the first place. We've probably all had that realization at one time or another, and it does suck, but life goes on. Find people that actually care about you, your feelings, and your trust.

So even though this woman enjoys spending time with the SIL, she will be given an ultimatum that might end a very long friendship that was otherwise fine. I can see the OP requesting that her friend not discuss the SIL with her, nut to make her choose? Seems very childish.