Should I confront my best friend or just accept the situation?

[Allison]

You are making things more dramatic than they need to be. I can't imagine creating a her or me scenario as an adult.

 

[Princess Steph]

When you say befriended that could mean lots of things. Like are they just friendly to each other and get together now and then because they make each other laugh? Or is it like they are best friends sharing secrets 24/7?

I don’t really know bc they don’t tell me, presumably to protect my feelings but it feels sneaky. I know they go shopping, hang at SIL pool, visit each other’s homes, SIL cuts her hair every 6 weeks and daughters hair every few weeks. BFF switched hairdressers (she went to this other lady for 15 years) when they started hanging out. This has all happened over the past 6 months. I invited my family (including SIL) for Mothers Day brunch and invited BFF and family. BFF mom passed away suddenly and it’s always difficult for her so I try to include her to make it a less sad day. They were talking, I thought nothing of it. I’ve been trying to deal with this for 6 months but this Thanksgiving lie is making it real.

 

[mousefan73]

If she hid if from you and is trying to protect your Feelings..then she does care.. It's when People stop being sneaky then they dont give a rats arsch

I think you are really right!!!!
The only 2 things she said are “I knew you would be mad” when I told her I could not believe they were shopping and spending time. She knew, but went anyways(and hide it from me presumably to protect my feelings) And told me that she would be upset if she found out I was hanging with her SIL. Which leads me to believe she knows exactly how I feel but does not care.
At this moment I can’t think about traveling with her. I’ll make that decision in January. If things don’t go well over the next month or so I’ll decide.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

If she hid if from you and is trying to protect your Feelings..then she does care.. It's when People stop being sneaky then they dont give a rats arsch

See, I think being sneaky is more hurtful than being honest.

 

[mousefan73]

See, I think being sneaky is more hurtful than being honest.

I am thinking from the Point of view of the "sneaky Person". If you sneak around or lie to avoid hurting the other Person, you care in some sick way still. Still hurful and not ok, but if you totally don't care then you just do what you want to do without spending the energy to Twist things around... You just do it... without an recourse

 

[Princess Steph]

I'm going to think out loud about your situation for a bit here. Bear with me.

1. I'm guessing that you've been friends w/BFF for a long time. Given that, on the one hand, you kind of owe it to BFF to talk to her about it.
2. On the other hand, it sounds like you've done that already and BFF got defensive.
3. The issue here is not about loyalty. It's a free country and you can be friends with whoever you want.
4. The issue is about TRUST. SIL befriended BFF. BFF chose to not tell you because she knew you'd get upset because she knew how you felt about SIL. Eventually the truth came out and, what do you know, you got upset. BFF should not be surprised here. BFF lied by omission. She left out significant facts. If this had to do with someone who was NOT a toxic person (i.e., somebody not like SIL), then this would all be a non-issue and it wouldn't be a big deal.
5. But a really toxic person has befriended your BFF, is spending time with your BFF, BFF is withholding information from you now, BFF is starting to act different, etc., etc. All since BFF started hanging out with the toxic person.
6. SIL's tactics are starting to work on BFF. Regardless of what your SIL's motives are and regardless of what the reasons are for the change in behavior on your BFF's part, your BFF is becoming a bit of a different person. Perhaps someone you don't trust as much as you used to.
7. So why would you want to go on an expensive trip with someone who you feel you can't trust very well?
8. Why would you confide anything in someone when there's a really good possibility that the person will share the info with said Toxic Person?
9. Your friendship with BFF is slowly dying on the vine while your SIL is involved.
10. The best way to handle this would be to drop the rope. Just disengage. If all the times you & BFF get together, it involves you initiating it, YOU calling her, etc., then just stop calling. If this has primarily been a 1-way friendship, then BFF won't call you and the friendship will die a natural death.
11. OR if you want a big dramatic "Real Housewives of ___" style confrontation, then go ahead and confront her about all this, but it won't go very well and then you will end up proving to your SIL that you are everything that she claims you are (whatever that is).
12. If, on the other hand, your friendship with BFF is more of a 2-way street, then if you trail off on initiating phone calls, text msgs, etc. to her and if BFF doesn't reach out to you as often as she used to, then rather than confront her, take that as a sign that the friendship is trailing off. Again, let it die its own natural death instead of a big Hollywood-style blow up.
13. If you let the friendship wither up on its own, then you leave the possibility open later on for the friendship rekindling. Because eventually, at some point, your BFF will get burned by SIL. Your BFF is perhaps really naïve and a trusting person...just the sort of fresh meat for a Toxic Person like your SIL.
14. Whatever you do with all of this friendship drama....it's basically being initiated by SIL...and the best way to deal with passive-aggressive, manipulative people is to just not play the game. Don't dance the dance with them. Disengage completely.

I appreciate all this. One side of me says get it all out, other side says there is a chance we can salvage this so don’t ruin it yet.
We all agree I won’t “confront” her. That does not benefit either of us

 

[gotomu212]

I think I’ll ask her to meet my for coffee tomorrow and tell her she can be friends with whomever and we will see how it goes. I think I’ll cancel the trip though. I won’t confront her, just tell her how I feel and if that offends her so be it. I’ll find out what our friendship is made of. Thanks for all the insight. Hard thing for me.

I wouldn’t say that she can be friends with whomever- it sounds like you are giving her permission and if another adult said that to me my thought would be obviously I can, I don’t need your permission. The only thing I would say is I really hope that I can continue to count on your discretion and that you won’t repeat anything I say to SIL. I know I probably don’t need to say that, but just wanted to be clear that I treat our conversations as confidences and hope you do too.

Then I wouldn’t give two thoughts to their friendship. If they invite you along to hang out you can say no thanks if you have no desire to hang out with SIL.

On the thanksgiving- you’re SIL was trying to bait you. I wouldn’t care at all if my friend got an invite to a meal I wasn’t attending. Weird yes, but I would have gone on my way and not concerned myself with who was eating where.

 

[Princess Steph]

Good advice, thank you everyone! I’m getting a better idea of what to say, how to handle this and what my expectations should be. Ive been lost for a few days but getting a better picture of the situation.

 

[Happiest.Haunt_999]

If she was really your loyal best friend she wouldn't have anything to do with your SIL in that nature to begin with.

 

[Princess Steph]

I wouldn’t say that she can be friends with whomever- it sounds like you are giving her permission and if another adult said that to me my thought would be obviously I can, I don’t need your permission. The only thing I would say is I really hope that I can continue to count on your discretion and that you won’t repeat anything I say to SIL. I know I probably don’t need to say that, but just wanted to be clear that I treat our conversations as confidences and hope you do too.

Then I wouldn’t give two thoughts to their friendship. If they invite you along to hang out you can say no thanks if you have no desire to hang out with SIL.

On the thanksgiving- you’re SIL was trying to bait you. I wouldn’t care at all if my friend got an invite to a meal I wasn’t attending. Weird yes, but I would have gone on my way and not concerned myself with who was eating where.

1. Should I meet her face to face or call, or just email. I’m afriad to say something I’ll regret if she asks me questions. Over Email I’ll have a chance to decide on my response but it feels distant
2. I am thinking of also saying that I’ll try to be available more. I work 6 days a week, so I’m really busy most days. She is a school teacher and had the summer off then has been out with work related injury so she has not worked for 5 months. SIL works about 10 hours a week so they both have lots of time to get together. Maybe my lack of availability has perpetuated this somehow.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So even though this woman enjoys spending time with the SIL, she will be given an ultimatum that might end a very long friendship that was otherwise fine. I can see the OP requesting that her friend not discuss the SIL with her, nut to make her choose? Seems very childish.

It's not just about spending time. OP and SIL are adversaries. By befriending SIL and apparently crossing some boundaries, the BFF is choosing to violate the trust of the OP, who then has the right to let the friendship die out if she tells BFF how it hurts her and BFF chooses not to change anything.

I doubt that the OP would be this upset if BFF was just friends with someone else who is not the ratchet SIL.

 

[gillep]

I wouldn’t say that she can be friends with whomever- it sounds like you are giving her permission and if another adult said that to me my thought would be obviously I can, I don’t need your permission. The only thing I would say is I really hope that I can continue to count on your discretion and that you won’t repeat anything I say to SIL. I know I probably don’t need to say that, but just wanted to be clear that I treat our conversations as confidences and hope you do too.

Then I wouldn’t give two thoughts to their friendship. If they invite you along to hang out you can say no thanks if you have no desire to hang out with SIL.

On the thanksgiving- you’re SIL was trying to bait you. I wouldn’t care at all if my friend got an invite to a meal I wasn’t attending. Weird yes, but I would have gone on my way and not concerned myself with who was eating where.

I completely agree with this, if another adult told me I could be friends with whomever I wanted regarding this situation, I would think they had some control issues. This whole thing seems so childish to me. I don't understand why two adults who have been friends for over 20 years can't have an honest heart to heart conversation. I also can't imagine caring about the Thanksgiving thing, either SIL was intentionally lying, or she misunderstood and thought your friend had nowhere to go, either way, why do you care?

I have had off and on issues with one of my SILs over the years, she isn't someone that I could ever really be friends with, but I full understand that due to our circumstances of being in-laws, my experiences with her may be completely different than the experiences others may have. There are a lot of different emotions and issues that come up in extended families that tend to color our relationships in ways that aren't applicable to people who are not family and I like to keep that perspective in mind whenever dealing with in-law situations.

 

[piccolopat]

I think that I would discuss the situation with my friend. My concern is not that they are now friends with some I don't like or trust or that I know to be manipulative. It would be that anything that I discussed with my friend in confidence has to stay that way. It seems to be some doubt in this situation. Once a friend betrays the confidence of the other, the damage is often too deep to continue the friendship.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

1. Should I meet her face to face or call, or just email. I’m afriad to say something I’ll regret if she asks me questions. Over Email I’ll have a chance to decide on my response but it feels distant
2. I am thinking of also saying that I’ll try to be available more. I work 6 days a week, so I’m really busy most days. She is a school teacher and had the summer off then has been out with work related injury so she has not worked for 5 months. SIL works about 10 hours a week so they both have lots of time to get together. Maybe my lack of availability has perpetuated this somehow.

The time thing could be part of it, but don't start blaming yourself. Like a pp said, sometimes life circumstances cause friendships to change. Can you text her to ask her to meet for coffee or something?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think that I would discuss the situation with my friend. My concern is not that they are now friends with some I don't like or trust or that I know to be manipulative. It would be that anything that I discussed with my friend in confidence has to stay that way. It seems to be some doubt in this situation. Once a friend betrays the confidence of the other, the damage is often too deep to continue the friendship.

Exactly.

 

[Princess Steph]

If she was really your loyal best friend she wouldn't have anything to do with your SIL in that nature to begin with.

I feel this way too! This is my problem. I don’t know what to think or do.

I completely agree with this, if another adult told me I could be friends with whomever I wanted regarding this situation, I would think they had some control issues. This whole thing seems so childish to me. I don't understand why two adults who have been friends for over 20 years can't have an honest heart to heart conversation. I also can't imagine caring about the Thanksgiving thing, either SIL was intentionally lying, or she misunderstood and thought your friend had nowhere to go, either way, why do you care?

I have had off and on issues with one of my SILs over the years, she isn't someone that I could ever really be friends with, but I full understand that due to our circumstances of being in-laws, my experiences with her may be completely different than the experiences others may have. There are a lot of different emotions and issues that come up in extended families that tend to color our relationships in ways that aren't applicable to people who are not family and I like to keep that perspective in mind whenever dealing with in-law situations.

would you be OK if your best friend started spending significant time, texting and talking with this SIL?
We have a handful or more of mutual friends that we spend time with exclusive of the other. We have one other 20 year long friend. I meet her at the gym, BFF meets her for dinner. Wonderful. We all love each other and trust each other. It’s bc it’s my SIL who I don’t trust and shes known that for years.

 

[VandVsmama]

1. Should I meet her face to face or call, or just email. I’m afriad to say something I’ll regret if she asks me questions. Over Email I’ll have a chance to decide on my response but it feels distant
2. I am thinking of also saying that I’ll try to be available more. I work 6 days a week, so I’m really busy most days. She is a school teacher and had the summer off then has been out with work related injury so she has not worked for 5 months. SIL works about 10 hours a week so they both have lots of time to get together. Maybe my lack of availability has perpetuated this somehow.

Re #1 - out of respect for the long friendship you've had with her, the discussion needs to be in person. Anything else...especially email or text message...you should expect that she will be insulted.

Re #2 -
Don't say that you'll try to be available more if you don't really want to spend more time hanging out with a woman who you don't trust. Working 6 days a week plus having a family means that you already have a lot on your plate. Don't be so quick to fall on your sword. If you really WOULD like to get together with her more often, then say so.

 

[gillep]

would you be OK if your best friend started spending significant time, texting and talking with this SIL?
We have a handful or more of mutual friends that we spend time with exclusive of the other. We have one other 20 year long friend. I meet her at the gym, BFF meets her for dinner. Wonderful. We all love each other and trust each other. It’s bc it’s my SIL who I don’t trust and shes known that for years.

I would have reservations that I would discuss with my BF regarding keeping my confidences, but unless something happened where she shared something that she wasn't supposed to, or I had clear proof that my BF was saying disrespectful things about me behind my back, then I wouldn't give it much thought. Like I said, being in-laws with someone, and sharing all of the complexities of being family changes the tone of a relationship. I would not assume that the relationship and issues that I have with my SIL would be anywhere near the relationship that my SIL would have with anyone else. I would assume that they have lots of things in common, and enjoy one another's company, and not that they spend there time together discussing me, or anything like that. If I couldn't separate the two, then I would back off from the friendship until I had a better feel for how this was all working out. I would not however attempt to dictate anything to my friend, as these are my issues not hers. I would start with an in-person heart to heart and go from there.

 

[Princess Steph]

Re #1 - out of respect for the long friendship you've had with her, the discussion needs to be in person. Anything else...especially email or text message...you should expect that she will be insulted.

Re #2 -
Don't say that you'll try to be available more if you don't really want to spend more time hanging out with a woman who you don't trust. Working 6 days a week plus having a family means that you already have a lot on your plate. Don't be so quick to fall on your sword. If you really WOULD like to get together with her more often, then say so.

All good points

I would have reservations that I would discuss with my BF regarding keeping my confidences, but unless something happened where she shared something that she wasn't supposed to, or I had clear proof that my BF was saying disrespectful things about me behind my back, then I wouldn't give it much thought. Like I said, being in-laws with someone, and sharing all of the complexities of being family changes the tone of a relationship. I would not assume that the relationship and issues that I have with my SIL would be anywhere near the relationship that my SIL would have with anyone else. I would assume that they have lots of things in common, and enjoy one another's company, and not that they spend there time together discussing me, or anything like that. If I couldn't separate the two, then I would back off from the friendship until I had a better feel for how this was all working out. I would not however attempt to dictate anything to my friend, as these are my issues not hers. I would start with an in-person heart to heart and go from there.

you have an interesting perspective, thank you. Maybe I feel threatened by something I should not be. Maybe my friend owes no loyalty and I’m expecting too much

 

[lisaviolet]

Am I reading correctly that your friend of twenty years has lost her mom suddenly and also has an injury that is keeping her away from her job/career? Both of these situations have been this year OP?

If so, just concentrate on being her friend OP. Get out of your head and start there. That's a lot. Do you not realize that? No sarcasm, simply perplexed. Losing your mother for a lot of people is beyond devastating. Your entire world changes. And it was sudden. Not to mention people mourn in a myriad of ways.

And being a teacher takes up all of one's time. And now she has all this time off. Loads going on for her.

Concentrate on being a good friend and go from there.

EDIT FOR THOSE READING: I totally misread OP's posts - timing etc.
OP clears it up next page.

______________________________________________

If you do feel that you can't keep your own emotions in check about your SIL and Lisa, well keep it short and own it - **I am struggling with my own emotions surrounding it.** And move on or not. I would regret not working through a friendship of twenty years. They mean too much to me.