Should I pay for my college student?

[J'aime Paris]

I would not pay!
This is a valuable life lesson. Doesn't make you mean...doesn't mean you don't love her. She's still a part of the family.

My dd is heading off to college in one month. She's gotten a merit scholarship award, and we are paying the rest.
She knows that our continued financial support is performance based. You get the grades, you get the money.

If my dd were to lose her scholarship through poor choices and partying, I'd be mad! No way would she get a free vacation, or any other financial support until a big turnaround.

 

[ELSA711]

We have always told the girls that when they graduate hs they are responsible for vacations. Always welcome to go but need to start paying if they want to go. It isn't a surprise to her but I still feel bad as a mom

If this was always laid out on the table then it is what it is. If she was fully expecting to go as a family trip that is another story.
I guess I see it two different ways. You want her to grow up and be responsible but it felt like in your first post taking the trip away was punishment for her poor performance. You can punish the one you want to be responsible IMO.
Now if the trip was never on the table for her to go without her paying her own way, then I don't know what I would do. Is it an option to split her cost with her? Let her know you really want her there to celebrate her sister and even though you already said you wouldn't pay, you would consider paying half since you want her there?

 

[Kristie Smith]

Maybe I'll win the lotto...haha!

 

[Disney_traveler]

Question: do younger DD and older DD have the same father?

I just ask because if not, older DD could spin it as a you love younger DD more because of stepdad or something like that. You know how kids can be.

 

[Kristie Smith]

I would not pay!
This is a valuable life lesson. Doesn't make you mean...doesn't mean you don't love her. She's still a part of the family.

My dd is heading off to college in one month. She's gotten a merit scholarship award, and we are paying the rest.
She knows that our continued financial support is performance based. You get the grades, you get the money.

If my dd were to lose her scholarship through poor choices and partying, I'd be mad! No way would she get a free vacation, or any other financial support until a big turnaround.

Agreed but a tough life experience I have to watch her go through. We all do though, just tougher when your the mom

 

[sam_gordon]

Yes and no...we have always told the kids that they are responsible for paying for vacations once they graduate high school. That is why we take them on a senior trip. It's their last hurrah before they leave the house.

If the bolded is the case, then no, I wouldn't pay for her. But it would have nothing to do with her college experience.

 

[Kristie Smith]

Question: do younger DD and older DD have the same father?

I just ask because if not, older DD could spin it as a you love younger DD more because of stepdad or something like that. You know how kids can be.

Different fathers, her real dad just took her on a fully paid vacation to Mexico. She has never played the "love her more" card before though. More feelings of jealousy that she probably won't be going unless we pay.

 

[J'aime Paris]

Agreed but a tough life experience I have to watch her go through. We all do though, just tougher when your the mom

It is so hard to knowingly let your child struggle. I get that it can be agonizing, and big hugs to you!
But think of how proud you'll be when she masters "adulting" and thanks you for making the tough choice someday! That will happen

 

[Mizzoufan]

If you already said you weren't paying for any trips once they were in college. Then here's your answer NO

 

[Disney_traveler]

Different fathers, her real dad just took her on a fully paid vacation to Mexico. She has never played the "love her more" card before though. More feelings of jealousy that she probably won't be going unless we pay.

It seems to me you have your mind set already about what you WANT to do. I don't think you want opinions on what to do, you just want justification.

As someone who JUST lost their grandmother, family time is really weighing on me right now (and how limited it is). I know my parents would have been upset had I lost my scholarships and there would have been consequences, but I think there are too many ways for the older DD to be hurt (younger got to go, you just hate me cause I'm not perfect in school, you just want to punish me for going with dad, you love little DD more than me).

She may not have pulled any of that before, but if she is already unhappy about conversing about the grades and what not, this could drive a wedge.

 

[Kristie Smith]

If this was always laid out on the table then it is what it is. If she was fully expecting to go as a family trip that is another story.
I guess I see it two different ways. You want her to grow up and be responsible but it felt like in your first post taking the trip away was punishment for her poor performance. You can punish the one you want to be responsible IMO.
Now if the trip was never on the table for her to go without her paying her own way, then I don't know what I would do. Is it an option to split her cost with her? Let her know you really want her there to celebrate her sister and even though you already said you wouldn't pay, you would consider paying half since you want her there?

Right. It's hard to remember to include all the dynamics. I think offering to split the cost is a good idea.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

She should go, if her little sister got to go on her graduation trip I don't see why she shouldn't. It shouldn't matter whether or not she was living at home still when the older DD graduated.

 

[Kristie Smith]

It seems to me you have your mind set already about what you WANT to do. I don't think you want opinions on what to do, you just want justification.

As someone who JUST lost their grandmother, family time is really weighing on me right now (and how limited it is). I know my parents would have been upset had I lost my scholarships and there would have been consequences, but I think there are too many ways for the older DD to be hurt (younger got to go, you just hate me cause I'm not perfect in school, you just want to punish me for going with dad, you love little DD more than me).

She may not have pulled any of that before, but if she is already unhappy about conversing about the grades and what not, this could drive a wedge.

I don't know what I want to do. In a perfect world we would have plenty of money and there would be no question about bringing her. Unfortunately that isn't the case. I want her to go. We have always taken both girls but the situation has changed and they are older now.

 

[DisneylandDarling]

Why don't you have her pay for her plane ticket and Disneyland ticket and you pay for the hotel/transportation? Or some combination of that?

That way she has a responsibility, but is still getting some funding to go. Cut her a deal and I'm sure it'll all work out.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I have a son graduating next year. I plan on taking the family to Disney to celebrate. That will include his brother and sister. I took them all each year they graduated, I can't now say.."Oh, Danny is graduating, we are taking out celebratory trip, but you must pay your own way." Danny never had to pay his way for their trips.

That being said, I am taking myself to Disney on August. My oldest DS21 wants to come. Sure, but he is to pay for his passes, his food and any souvenirs. I got the room, because I am using my DVC points.

Personally IMO, if you can't afford to bring your oldest along because of the friend going, I would ask the friend's family to pay part of her way. I could never pay for someone else's kid if it meant I would have to leave my own kid out.

 

[dosekies]

Normally, I would say absolutely you should pay without question. I just turned 24 and my parents still pay for me on our family vacations. Especially when I was still in college it would have been very hard for me to keep up my school work, have a job, and save to go on our family vacations. I try to buy us dinner or drinks while we're there and stuff as a thank you, but generally they handle it. Now if I go somewhere alone with my fiancé, I pay for myself obviously

However, after you described her school situation, I would agree with some of the PPs and try to do the whole "if you want me to pay, you need to take school seriously and get your grades up" type of thing. Or, since you said she gets angry whenever you try to talk to her about the situation she is in, you could say you will pay if she sits down and has a serious conversation with you about what is going on without it turning into a fight.

 

[Kristie Smith]

Why don't you have her pay for her plane ticket and Disneyland ticket and you pay for the hotel/transportation? Or some combination of that?

That way she has a responsibility, but is still getting some funding to go. Cut her a deal and I'm sure it'll all work out.

I like this idea. I'd love to pay for all of it but don't know how we could. Deep down I want her there. Splitting it sounds like we could probably make it work. She'd have to learn to save her money too

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Yes and no...we have always told the kids that they are responsible for paying for vacations once they graduate high school. That is why we take them on a senior trip. It's their last hurrah before they leave the house.

But this isn't a vacation really. It's a celebration. If you were going with just the younger daughter, and couldn't afford the oldest daughter, that would be one thing. But you are paying for a friend to go. That is where it becomes unfair to your older daughter.

 

[Kristie Smith]

Normally, I would say absolutely you should pay without question. I just turned 24 and my parents still pay for me on our family vacations. Especially when I was still in college it would have been very hard for me to keep up my school work, have a job, and save to go on our family vacations. I try to buy us dinner or drinks while we're there and stuff as a thank you, but generally they handle it. Now if I go somewhere alone with my fiancé, I pay for myself obviously

However, after you described her school situation, I would agree with some of the PPs and try to do the whole "if you want me to pay, you need to take school seriously and get your grades up" type of thing. Or, since you said she gets angry whenever you try to talk to her about the situation she is in, you could say you will pay if she sits down and has a serious conversation with you about what is going on without it turning into a fight.

Good idea! She changed her major so I'm hoping she starts doing better. Seems like the her new direction will fit her more.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't think this is just regular mom guilt that led you to post this here. My first question on reading page one was whether your younger daughter's father was your current husband since you mentioned the "fully paid" Mexican vacation for your eldest. The ways you subtly shade your eldest aren't limited to your understandable frustrations with her poor choices. If a stranger on a discussion board notices that, what kinds of things is she picking up on?

Your feelings are jangling over this because you know this is very liable to be a flash point. This girl is not in a good place. I have daughters very nearly the same ages. My number one priority in your shoes would be to make very sure there are no underlying issues needing to be addressed to help my kid course correct.