What happens when a person dies

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I can understand not wanting a big affair. But the way the OP described this particular request does sound, to me, like it gets into the territory of telling people how to grieve:

I was speaking in generalities, not specifically. I had thought that's what you were doing as well. So that would be where the confusion was on my part.

 

[Searc]

Just food for thought for those not wanting their body to be viewed:

For many years I hated the tradition of a wake and an open casket. I would avoid it at all costs. Until my Dad’s funeral. He died suddenly and while I saw him in the hospital, I was hysterical and it didn’t really connect to me. At the wake, I was able to tell him good bye. Now, I still talk to him from time to time but seeing him that last time, helped me just a little.

I know that many don’t have wakes/visitations in their traditions. And perhaps there is something else the family does in lieu of that. But if the choice is nothing, just think about the loved ones you leave. What would make their grief just a tad bit easier?

Seeing me dead and lifeless isn't going to help anyone grieve. Having that as their last memory of me is a horrifying thought.

 

[BadPinkTink]

Seeing me dead and lifeless isn't going to help anyone grieve. Having that as their last memory of me is a horrifying thought.

actually it does, especially if the person has been very ill and in pain before death. Seeing the person at peace, "asleep", free from pain and not hooked up to machines can be the start of the healing process

 

[luvsJack]

Seeing me dead and lifeless isn't going to help anyone grieve. Having that as their last memory of me is a horrifying thought.

Did you read my experience? Yes it does. You see them at peace. You don’t think of it as a “lifeless body”. You see the person you love. You see that last chance to touch their hand or kiss their cheek. Or just to quietly say good bye.

When my bil died, he had been battling addiction for a long time. Seeing him at peace that one last time, let us see, in our minds, that smiling, fun loving, caring individual that we had all missed for so long.

For each person you lose, it’s different and different reasons why it may help. For some, the chance for closure may have come at death or even before but for those that didn’t it does help.

 

[Hrhpd]

actually it does, especially if the person has been very ill and in pain before death. Seeing the person at peace, "asleep", free from pain and not hooked up to machines can be the start of the healing process

Not for everyone. When my father died, I was resigned to the fact that he was going to die soon. I had lots of lovely memories I was happy with.

When he died, my mother insisted that I go view the body to "be at peace" and for "closure." I was an adult with children of my own so even though I didn't want to, I thought it would be fine to help my mother grieve. Seeing my father cold, dead, and an unnatural color did not put me "at peace." It was horrifying. Now, when I think of my father, those wonderful memories are not first. They are of a dead, unnatural body.

I will never subject my children or relatives to that.

My 2 stipulations in my will are:

1) My body will not be in a church (nothing against religion just organized religion of the type my relatives are members of. Pastor was just removed for embezzling funds.)
and
2) No viewing of any sort. My body will go straight to cremation. That is, if I don't change my will to include donating the body to science.

If my wishes are not fulfilled, my estate will go completely to charity.

 

[Hrhpd]

Just food for thought for those not wanting their body to be viewed:

For many years I hated the tradition of a wake and an open casket. I would avoid it at all costs. Until my Dad’s funeral. He died suddenly and while I saw him in the hospital, I was hysterical and it didn’t really connect to me. At the wake, I was able to tell him good bye. Now, I still talk to him from time to time but seeing him that last time, helped me just a little.

I know that many don’t have wakes/visitations in their traditions. And perhaps there is something else the family does in lieu of that. But if the choice is nothing, just think about the loved ones you leave. What would make their grief just a tad bit easier?

And for me it was exactly the opposite experience. While my father's illness was brief (massive heart attack he survived for about a month,) I was at peace with his passing.

Seeing his cold, dead body was a horrifying experience and one that I wish I had never, ever experienced. I cannot get rid of that memory.

 

[Hrhpd]

Did you read my experience? Yes it does. You see them at peace. You don’t think of it as a “lifeless body”. You see the person you love. You see that last chance to touch their hand or kiss their cheek. Or just to quietly say good bye.

When my bil died, he had been battling addiction for a long time. Seeing him at peace that one last time, let us see, in our minds, that smiling, fun loving, caring individual that we had all missed for so long.

For each person you lose, it’s different and different reasons why it may help. For some, the chance for closure may have come at death or even before but for those that didn’t it does help.

Well, my relatives can figure out another way to grieve because I did see my father as a lifeless, cold body. It will never happen with my body if I can help it nor with any of my relatives that I am in charge of unless their wishes are different. But they are all onboard with the no viewing of their bodies as well.

I wonder if Body Works still needs donations. Plasticizing my body and being sliced up would be more palatable than a viewing.

 

[Allison]

This.

It is pretty egocentric to ignore someone's wishes for something "you" (general you) need.

I do not want any kind of religious ceremony at all. Cremate me, dump my ashes, then go party and hoist a few in memory. I actually have it in my will that only x amount of funds can be used for the cremation. And it is all void if there is any kind of viewing or service.

I agree. I would never not honor someone's wishes if it was at all possible.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

actually it does, especially if the person has been very ill and in pain before death. Seeing the person at peace, "asleep", free from pain and not hooked up to machines can be the start of the healing process

I think that depends on person to person.

How is it different to say you don't want to see someone hooked up to machines and saying you don't want to see their body that is no longer alive? Both can be connected to how you want to remember someone.

And of course not everyone dies hooked up to machines. That can be of an even bigger reason for someone to personally decide against seeing the dead in a casket because they want to hold onto an image of the person in a different way.

On a personal note the last time I saw my grandfather was hooked up to machines and I could only do it briefly because it was too painful. When the time came for his funeral I couldn't go up to his casket and see him. It was just not what I could do. I wanted to remember my grandfather in a different light and even though that is partially marred by the image of him with machines and completely unaware I've chosen to fill my more of my memories with photos of him from my childhood, having the movie he loved so much (Rudy), having a piece of one of his Irish trinkets, looking over his family tree he had researched for many years from time to time, etc--things that were important to him when he was alive, photos of him when he was alive.

 

[Searc]

Did you read my experience? Yes it does. You see them at peace. You don’t think of it as a “lifeless body”. You see the person you love. You see that last chance to touch their hand or kiss their cheek. Or just to quietly say good bye.

When my bil died, he had been battling addiction for a long time. Seeing him at peace that one last time, let us see, in our minds, that smiling, fun loving, caring individual that we had all missed for so long.

For each person you lose, it’s different and different reasons why it may help. For some, the chance for closure may have come at death or even before but for those that didn’t it does help.

When my grandmother, FIL and MIL died, they had open caskets and I hated it. Seeing them dead and lifeless was creepy and horrifying TO ME. Having that as my last memory is something I can't erase. I prefer to remember them in life, not death.

So FOR ME, I choose not to let my loved ones remember me that way.

 

[DietCoke18]

@elaine amj all that seems pretty normal and something I can see your family complying with.

What this person I am talking about has arranged, is that their body be taken by a funeral director at the appropriate time and taken direct to a burial plot and buried immediately without any viewing or church service. They have also specified no meal or family get together. Just for clarification, this person is not estranged from family and is very close to their children, grandchildren and extended family and regular funeral expenses are not an issue.

I’m all for not doing a service but how can they say don’t get together for a meal!?! That bothers me. That, IMO, is outside the scope of funeral arrangements

 

[disykat]

Just food for thought for those not wanting their body to be viewed:

For many years I hated the tradition of a wake and an open casket. I would avoid it at all costs. Until my Dad’s funeral. He died suddenly and while I saw him in the hospital, I was hysterical and it didn’t really connect to me. At the wake, I was able to tell him good bye. Now, I still talk to him from time to time but seeing him that last time, helped me just a little.

I know that many don’t have wakes/visitations in their traditions. And perhaps there is something else the family does in lieu of that. But if the choice is nothing, just think about the loved ones you leave. What would make their grief just a tad bit easier?

Wake and public viewings are not in our tradition - I'd only heard of it on tv until The DIS. However, private viewings are arranged through the mortuary and certainly done by close loved ones.

 

[luvsJack]

And for me it was exactly the opposite experience. While my father's illness was brief (massive heart attack he survived for about a month,) I was at peace with his passing.

Seeing his cold, dead body was a horrifying experience and one that I wish I had never, ever experienced. I cannot get rid of that memory.

But my point was, it’s not just about your experience. It’s about those that will be grieving you.

You already had peace. That is another difference. Dad’s death was sudden. I saw him that morning. That night, he was gone. Same with bil.

I hate to hear that your experience was like that. Daddy’s death was very sudden and seeing him in the cold stark room in the hospital was awful. When I saw him in the funeral home, in his suit and all fixed up, it was the Daddy I loved so dearly.

Same with bil. Seeing him at the hospital after his accident was horrible. The wake eased just a little of that pain.

But everyone has to make their own choices. Mom’s funeral was very different than my Dad’s. She planned it to make it easier because Dad’s was so very hard for her. And in some ways it was.

It’s all different depending on the circumstances of the death, the person, the family. I just think that as anyone plans what is to happen after their death, the grieving family should be the ones thought of and what they need.

 

[kimblebee]

This is eerie..

I said upthread that I don’t want a funeral and especially don’t want any dirges sung. As I’m reading this thread right now, the worst of the worst funeral songs just came on tv..Morning Has Broken.

Wakes and open caskets aren’t really a thing here, or at least as far as I’ve seen.

I’ve only ever seen one dead body, and it was my uncle. He had hospice care at home and we all sat around him in the bed until the funeral home showed up.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Would you be hurt that a family member is deciding how you should grieve for them?

Not at all. My mom let us know what she wanted when we buried my dad, including just a single official day of mourning. My cousin actually planned out her whole burial, right down to private security to keep her siblings away.

Would you ignore their wishes and when they die, still do the specific rituals and customs which are normal to you?

No. This is the very last thing you can do for the departed - honor their wishes.

 

[Hrhpd]

But my point was, it’s not just about your experience. It’s about those that will be grieving you.

You already had peace. That is another difference. Dad’s death was sudden. I saw him that morning. That night, he was gone. Same with bil.

I hate to hear that your experience was like that. Daddy’s death was very sudden and seeing him in the cold stark room in the hospital was awful. When I saw him in the funeral home, in his suit and all fixed up, it was the Daddy I loved so dearly.

Same with bil. Seeing him at the hospital after his accident was horrible. The wake eased just a little of that pain.

But everyone has to make their own choices. Mom’s funeral was very different than my Dad’s. She planned it to make it easier because Dad’s was so very hard for her. And in some ways it was.

It’s all different depending on the circumstances of the death, the person, the family. I just think that as anyone plans what is to happen after their death, the grieving family should be the ones thought of and what they need.

I am planning on thinking about the ones left to grieve. My immediate family all agrees with me that no dead bodies around. You can only please 50% and the 50% I choose to think about are those that do not need a viewing.

 

[luvsJack]

I am planning on thinking about the ones left to grieve. My immediate family all agrees with me that no dead bodies around. You can only please 50% and the 50% I choose to think about are those that do not need a viewing.

Well then, if that’s what they feel would help them most, you are making the right choice.

Not sure why you choose to speak so disrespectful of the traditions or choices of others. You realize that the person in the casket is their loved one?

 

[Hikergirl]

Since the grieving process is different for everyone you can't possibly make everyone "happy" in the end with your last wishes. In that case- do what YOU want to do, and hope your family respects your wishes regardless of what they think is the right thing to do for everyone you left behind.

My personal experiences is that I have never viewed a deceased person and thought how peaceful they looked. I won't go in to detail out of respect for others, but I don't want my body done to make it look like I'm peacefully sleeping. It just never ends up looking that way.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Can I suggest Ask a Mortician on You Tube. Trust me Kaitlin Doughty (sp) has a refreshing take on death and the traditions that go along with it. Some of her videos are graphic but she has a way of making them seem pretty normal. Both myself and a few of my friends found some of what she discussed to be very helpful when a loved one died. It might not be for everyone but she takes what could be a macabre subject and makes it comfortable and less shrouded (no pun) in darkness.

 

[Libbysmom2000]

In every culture, country, religion and society, there a specific rituals and customs which happen when a person dies. These customs and rituals are mainly for the living, the people who have lost a loved one. They help family and friends deal with the death of a person and are a symbolic way of honouring the dead person. In a time of shock and grief, the familiar customs and rituals give the family a purpose and something to do.

So imagine a scenario when a person has made arrangements and put procedures in place for when they die that are not the norm for their culture and religion. This person does not want the funeral customs their family has grown up with.

Would you be hurt that a family member is deciding how you should grieve for them? Would you ignore their wishes and when they die, still do the specific rituals and customs which are normal to you? Or would you honor their wishes and put your own mental health at risk due to not being able to process death as you always do?

Its one thing to prepare financially for death and funeral costs, but is it right to tell your family you dont want the funeral customs of your religion / culture / society?

I would honor the person's wishes, assuming they're possible and legal. Doing otherwise is disrespectful, in my opinion.

Afterwards I can do what I need to in order to process their death.