What is going on?

[paisleys]

Yesterday I trimmed our neighbor’s shrubs because they haven’t since they moved in last year. I think they assumed they were on our property instead of theirs, but they aren’t. They were getting unruly and instead of actually talking to them and explaining the situation, I chose to just do extra yardwork lol. I socialize with only a select few people in real life!

Ha ha! I have to restrain myself from trimming the neighbors' palm trees--it drives me nuts to see the fronds touching the ground! Maybe I'll just do it like you did

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

To be honest I’ve never been one to make friends with the parents of my kids friends. Part of it is we’ve always typically been in different stages of life (I had older DD at 28 and the younger two at 37) and part of it is, to be blunt, I’m just not interested. It’s nothing personal, most of them have been lovely people but all we really have in common are kids the same age. I don’t reciprocate “play dates” because the other parent will want to hang out and I just don’t. I do chat and make small talk and when my kids are invited over I send snacks/treats for all but I just don’t have it in me to be part of a mom group. I don’t know why, it’s just the way I am.

Same. Honestly, I’m just not interested and every time I’ve forced it it’s ended badly.

 

[Christine]

OP, I think you are just an introvert. But one that wants friends. I'm like that also. My kids are grown now but I never really made "friends" with their parents. I will say, though, especially during the daycare years or the younger elementary years, if us parents were at a party, we did chat and that was nice. I have had two moms (way back) that went out of their way to befriend me. Those two were extroverts and they must have seen something in me they liked. Of course, time has moved on and they moved out of the area, but I do miss them. Otherwise it was very hard. My mother who is in her 70s now and has been retired for about 4 years, is now dealing with the social isolation of being retired. She's also an introvert, but a lovely interesting person who always had a good friend or two PLUS a wide social circle in the office. She's been putting herself out there with book clubs. You'd think people there are like minded and use book clubs to make friends, but nope, they don't. They talk while at the book club but it's relatively cliquish there and no one is asking people into the "circle" for more interactions.

The one "bad" thing about being an introvert is that because we have some social awkwardness, it tends to send out a vibe to others that is not necessarily positive. That's probably not a good way to explain it, but generally when people even sense social awkwardness they just tend to keep their distance. Not sure what can be done about that but a good, friendly extrovert usually helps those situations!

 

[LSUmiss]

Our 4 kids have been involved in a lot of activities over the years. I never expected to make friends with the parents.

Yes, there are parents I preferred to sit by at the events and we would make small talk during the activities and look for each other at the next game. But I never expected to find lasting friendships there.

My life is busy; their lives are busy.

I am close to my sister, brothers and their wives.

And am deeply involved at church and can have a lot of conversations with many people there.

And right now, that's plenty of social interactions for me.

I think your expectations of making friends through your child are not working and I'd try finding a hobby for yourself (take a cooking, dance, sewing,painting class,etc.) or volunteer or find a community activity to meet friends.

This is me too. I’m always polite & will make small talk. But, I am very close with family & have close friends that I have been friends with for over 20 years & some almost 40. I’m close to their families, kids, etc. I have made new work friends in the past few years, but I still mostly do things with them at work or right after. My close friends & family are the ones I do things with most of the time.

 

[anniemae]

Ahhhhh the mom cliques. I find it hard to break into an established group of mom friends. They tend to be exclusive. I personally talk to anyone who talks to me, but I find initiating small talk difficult. I am a classic introvert and people exhaust me. I would just keep trying and eventually someone will reciprocate. I just think things are so very different from when we were kids. We didn't have electronics, we were not enrolled in multiple activities, we were not so "scheduled" so we tended to go out an play. We found other kids and made stuff up to do. The kids of today have so many activities and are rarely home, and everyone is so busy that we tend to not realize there are people wanting to connect. We connect online more than in person. Everyone is busy making their life look perfect on fb and instagram instead of actually living life.

 

[Shellsbutt]

Ahhhhh the mom cliques. I find it hard to break into an established group of mom friends. They tend to be exclusive. I personally talk to anyone who talks to me, but I find initiating small talk difficult. I am a classic introvert and people exhaust me. I would just keep trying and eventually someone will reciprocate. I just think things are so very different from when we were kids. We didn't have electronics, we were not enrolled in multiple activities, we were not so "scheduled" so we tended to go out an play. We found other kids and made stuff up to do. The kids of today have so many activities and are rarely home, and everyone is so busy that we tend to not realize there are people wanting to connect. We connect online more than in person. Everyone is busy making their life look perfect on fb and instagram instead of actually living life.

This is so true! When my older son(he is now 25) started kindergarten, I was so excited to become friends with the other moms. It didn't happen. I joined the PTA, volunteered in his classroom every week. The cliques were unbelievable, like I was back in high school. I'm another introvert- there are a lot of us out there! I don't think I come off as unapproachable or unfriendly though. You're right that everyone is just scrolling on their phones, I'm guilty of it as well.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. I'm still thinking through some of the stuff in this thread.

I would like to make "mom" friends because that is the one area of my life that I miss not having a friend in the most. Sometimes you go through a rough period with your kid at school or at home and I have no one to talk to about it, no one to compare notes with. There's stuff over the years that I could have used support with, but instead I have had to face it alone.

My hobbies tend to be solitary endeavors that don't lend themselves well to group activities. (I usually join message boards like this one for my hobbies.) I tend to be pretty poor at managing social stuff in groups anyway, so I would prefer making friends in a quiet, non-chaotic environment where there's just one other person.

I think that Mom groups can be a good thing, however if you want these women to be your friends you need to start by finding people with similar interests. I think that groups that begin through the children rather than the other way around is a backwards approach if the end game is to become friendly with the parents.
You need to understand the focus of the group and if it is the children then that is it. My daughter is part of a group that makes calendar type things. They gather once a week. That's it. One of the women is a young mother who immediately began to try to reach out to my DD for social activities, rides. etc, and to have additional meetings. When DD obliged and called the others in the group to tell them there was an impromptu meeting it all exploded. The young Mom was furious. and thought they were going to have a social thing, not a craft meeting. She wanted to make a good friend, but her expectation was not that of the group, although given time that might have occurred.

If you join a group for Moms with kids, give it time to develop relationships. You may be impatient, and that tends to scare off others.

In the meantime, find things to do outside of your children. You would be surprised how much assistance you will gain when you become part of a network of people with similar interests, and seemingly nothing else in common. Because we have no youngsters or are kind of out of your age group, does not mean we cannot offer support or friendship.

This is so true! When my older son(he is now 25) started kindergarten, I was so excited to become friends with the other moms. It didn't happen. I joined the PTA, volunteered in his classroom every week. The cliques were unbelievable, like I was back in high school. I'm another introvert- there are a lot of us out there! I don't think I come off as unapproachable or unfriendly though. You're right that everyone is just scrolling on their phones, I'm guilty of it as well.

I avoided those school groups like I avoided the flu! They were cliquie back when my 44 YO son was a child, and hey are still. I volunteer for my Princesses down the street on occasion, and did for my DGD as well, and I dread the fair at teh end of the year. The women barely speak to any of the "newbies" and "extra" helpers. I go because I love the kids but I cannot get out of there fast enough.

 

[CeruleanMoon]

it seems to me you are looking for friends in the wrong places. You need to connect with people who share your interests and views, people you have something in common with. It seems to me that all the situations you have described, the only common link with these adults is that your child is doing something with their child.

When I had my son I lost one of my very best friends, who was struggling with being childless and unmarried. She just started talking to me less and less and after several years of this I gave up. I still miss her. I understood what she was going through...I married and had my son later in life and before that I had frequently felt like I had nothing in common with the women around me whose lives seemed to revolve around their families. So I was really excited when it was finally my turn and thought for once I might have an easier time making friends! I mean, I now I had one major thing in common with almost every woman I met. But sadly that has not been the case.

I think your expectations of making friends through your child are not working and I'd try finding a hobby for yourself (take a cooking, dance, sewing,painting class,etc.) or volunteer or find a community activity to meet friends.

I know this is probably great advice, because I hear it all the time. But the thought of joining a group fills me with dread. I am not a "group" person. I get lost in a crowd and exhausted by the demands of being social with too many people. Sometimes it's a time issue too. I'd love to meet people with the same interests, but I'm just not sure how to make this advice work for me.

I don’t reciprocate “play dates” because the other parent will want to hang out and I just don’t.

I think you must be referring to pre-school aged "play dates?" I probably should have used a different phrase for what I meant. My son is older now and it seems to me that it shouldn't require much to ask these other parents to occasionally invite my son to do things, like we have with theirs. We have invited friends to go apple picking with us, or to the local science museum, we invite neighborhood friends to come over, etc. But even though the kids clearly have fun, my son rarely gets invited to do things like this with them. Are the parents so busy that they don't even want to bother with making friends for themselves OR their kids? It just seems so odd to me. My sons interests are a bit unusual (<sigh> he's so much like me), so maybe that's the problem?

Ahhhhh the mom cliques. I find it hard to break into an established group of mom friends. They tend to be exclusive. I personally talk to anyone who talks to me, but I find initiating small talk difficult. I am a classic introvert and people exhaust me. I would just keep trying and eventually someone will reciprocate. I just think things are so very different from when we were kids. We didn't have electronics, we were not enrolled in multiple activities, we were not so "scheduled" so we tended to go out an play. We found other kids and made stuff up to do. The kids of today have so many activities and are rarely home, and everyone is so busy that we tend to not realize there are people wanting to connect. We connect online more than in person. Everyone is busy making their life look perfect on fb and instagram instead of actually living life.

I'm afraid you may be exactly right. Social media really rubs me the wrong way, so I'm probably the only person left in the world who doesn't have Facebook. I suspect Facebook would have a negative effect on my mental health. But at the same time I think it has isolated me even more and caused me to lose touch with so many old friends. People don't even send Christmas cards anymore. At one point I was sending up to 50 cards and getting as many as 30-40 back. But now I send less than 20 and am lucky if I get 5-6 back.

 

[lifesavacation]

We’ve moved around a lot. I developed sort of a routine to make friends. Some of my advice goes against PPs though.

Mom’s groups work. I was willing to be friends with anyone. I didn’t care if we had no similar interests. If you were willing to go shopping at Target or Costco with me, then you were a potential friend I joined a mom of twins group when the boys were little and I always had moms to go to the park with or just mundane shopping. I had nothing in common with some of them (outside twins). The flip side is that sometimes you do things you have no interest in, like going to garage sales, but getting out the house is always a good thing. I’ve gotten solid social groups this way.

My kids all play sports. I’ve met many moms and dads just by volunteering at the snack shack. Be super friendly and ask a lot of questions. Only talk about yourself if asked. Never brag about your own kid but definitely compliment their kids. You can get the lay of the land pretty quickly in these situations. Now honestly, sports parents can be rabid so tread carefully but if you’re desperate for a social group, this is one avenue.

Volunteering at school and for field trips is another good way to meet people. Usually if you just meet 1 or 2 people then you’ll meet more through them. I’ve never experienced anything cliquey. I’ve definitely met people I have nothing in common with but like I said previously, when we’ve moved I always been open to any and all frienships. And this means inviting people to do things and being OK if they say no.

Have play dates and kid parties. Offer to carpool. Just put yourself out there. I haven’t tried meetup but that’s an option. Are you married? Put your husband in charge of making a few friends. Whenever we’ve moved, I’ve asked my husband to invite a few couples from work over for dinner. And then really be open to new friendships even if you don’t think you have much in common. Don’t wait for reciprocation. Just keep hosting and initiating the planning to get together.

 

[wenrob]

I think you must be referring to pre-school aged "play dates?" I probably should have used a different phrase for what I meant. My son is older now and it seems to me that it shouldn't require much to ask these other parents to occasionally invite my son to do things, like we have with theirs. We have invited friends to go apple picking with us, or to the local science museum, we invite neighborhood friends to come over, etc. But even though the kids clearly have fun, my son rarely gets invited to do things like this with them. Are the parents so busy that they don't even want to bother with making friends for themselves OR their kids? It just seems so odd to me. My sons interests are a bit unusual (<sigh> he's so much like me), so maybe that's the problem?

No, I mean when my kids are invited over to a friend's house and the mom invites me to stay and have coffee. It’s not for me to help keep an eye on the kids, it’s so she has someone to entertain her. Our kids are friends, we are not. I know that sounds cold and I don’t mean it to. I just don’t have the mental energy to maintain a surface only friendship.

I’m not clear what you mean by the bold. Are you saying the parents need to make friends in order for the kids to make friends? In my experience it’s best to let kids make friends on their own and in their own way. We have a whole gaggle of kids in our neighborhood and I only know the parents by the kids. My DS is like me, introverted and a bit of a loner. He has school friends and one good buddy who is like him. They hang out for a couple of hours but after that they’re just done. Same if he goes outside. He plays for an hour or so and then he’s over it. His twin sister on the other hand is an extrovert and will stay outside until the sun goes down. She has friends coming out of her ears, always texting, sleepovers etc. Both ways are okay IMO.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can say is if you want to make friends you have to put yourself out there. I don’t think you can blame social media or other people’s busy lives for this. It sounds like you’re waiting for someone else to make the first move. If you’re going to make any headway it might just have to be you who does. If they’re not open to it? Well you move on and find someone who is.

 

[CeruleanMoon]

No, I mean when my kids are invited over to a friend's house and the mom invites me to stay and have coffee. It’s not for me to help keep an eye on the kids, it’s so she has someone to entertain her. Our kids are friends, we are not. I know that sounds cold and I don’t mean it to. I just don’t have the mental energy to maintain a surface only friendship.

And that's perfectly acceptable. I don't expect that inviting my son somewhere means they should invite me too. Just because your kids are friends doesn't mean the parents also have to be.

I’m not clear what you mean by the bold. Are you saying the parents need to make friends in order for the kids to make friends? In my experience it’s best to let kids make friends on their own and in their own way. We have a whole gaggle of kids in our neighborhood and I only know the parents by the kids. My DS is like me, introverted and a bit of a loner. He has school friends and one good buddy who is like him. They hang out for a couple of hours but after that they’re just done. Same if he goes outside. He plays for an hour or so and then he’s over it. His twin sister on the other hand is an extrovert and will stay outside until the sun goes down. She has friends coming out of her ears, always texting, sleepovers etc. Both ways are okay IMO.

My son likes lots of alone-time too. But sometimes he wants to meet up with a friend, like on a weekend or something, even if just for an hour or two. It's up to the parents to facilitate get-togethers if the kids want to play outside of school. When I was a kid we did this sort of thing all the time. My parents would invite my friend somewhere with us, then I'd get invited somewhere with them, etc. I guess I'm just surprised that parents don't seem to do this anymore. My son has expressed an interest in playing with some of his friends outside of school. But unless we make the effort to make this happen, it wouldn't happen at all. My neighbor is the only person who occasionally calls up and wants to know if my son can come over to play. Maybe kids are too involved with other activities to do this much anymore? I guess I did assume that if I invited someone's son to do something with mine, then at some point, the parents would take their turn at doing the inviting, even it was just once a while.

 

[mjkacmom]

OP it really depends on the age of your son.

 

[CeruleanMoon]

OP it really depends on the age of your son.

My son is 10, going on 11.

 

[Nancyg56]

And that's perfectly acceptable. I don't expect that inviting my son somewhere means they should invite me too. Just because your kids are friends doesn't mean the parents also have to be.



My son likes lots of alone-time too. But sometimes he wants to meet up with a friend, like on a weekend or something, even if just for an hour or two. It's up to the parents to facilitate get-togethers if the kids want to play outside of school. When I was a kid we did this sort of thing all the time. My parents would invite my friend somewhere with us, then I'd get invited somewhere with them, etc. I guess I'm just surprised that parents don't seem to do this anymore. My son has expressed an interest in playing with some of his friends outside of school. But unless we make the effort to make this happen, it wouldn't happen at all. My neighbor is the only person who occasionally calls up and wants to know if my son can come over to play. Maybe kids are too involved with other activities to do this much anymore? I guess I did assume that if I invited someone's son to do something with mine, then at some point, the parents would take their turn at doing the inviting, even it was just once a while.

How old is your son? I think that at some point it is really up to the kids to instigate their own gatherings. The two kids down the street are 8 and 10, and for several years they have been negotiating their own social life. They have discussed plans of sorts with their friends and then approach the parents. They already know whose parents let them get together. I know that our two ask their Mom if they can bring a friend with them and sometimes the answer is yes, other times, no. I think it is important to keep in mind that your way may not be the way everyone else operates, and for many, the only time they are together as a family may be that outing your child was not included on.

 

[Nancyg56]

My son is 10, going on 11.

At that age, I was not making plans for my kids. They were navigating their friendships, and planning their own get together. Yes I needed to get them there, or approve the plans, but I was not facilitating their "play dates."

 

[CeruleanMoon]

At that age, I was not making plans for my kids. They were navigating their friendships, and planning their own get together. Yes I needed to get them there, or approve the plans, but I was not facilitating their "play dates."

"Play date" was wrong word for me to use. I just wasn't sure what else to call it. My son and his friends do plan when they want to play. But after that, a parent has to intervene to ok it, you know? Many times my son will come home and say, "so-and-so decided we want to do <blank> today after school! (Or this weekend or whatever.) If the child lives close enough to walk, then sometimes they can just show up at the door and ask. But if it's a friend who lives too far to walk, then someone has to arrange it. This is the part that I was talking about. Sometimes we are too busy or have plans, and we can't arrange anything. Sometimes we do call or text and try and to arrange things. But it would be nice if once in awhile it was the other parent contacting me to arrange, you know?

Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's advice and thoughts on this. You've all given me a lot to think about.

 

[Nancyg56]

"Play date" was wrong word for me to use. I just wasn't sure what else to call it. My son and his friends do plan when they want to play. But after that, a parent has to intervene to ok it, you know? Many times my son will come home and say, "so-and-so decided we want to do <blank> today after school! (Or this weekend or whatever.) If the child lives close enough to walk, then sometimes they can just show up at the door and ask. But if it's a friend who lives too far to walk, then someone has to arrange it. This is the part that I was talking about. Sometimes we are too busy or have plans, and we can't arrange anything. Sometimes we do call or text and try and to arrange things. But it would be nice if once in awhile it was the other parent contacting me to arrange, you know?

Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's advice and thoughts on this. You've all given me a lot to think about.

The reason I put play dates in quotes is becuase I also did not know what else to calll them.

I think that you may need to take the lead for a while in regards to making arrangements. Don't be afraid to ask the parents to help with logistics, but also do not be offended if they cannot. Or will not. I know it is cliche, but for some parents, time is not on their side. For my DGD, when she was younger it was not too difficult for reciprocal play dates etc, but as she got older, family dynamics for her friends were different. My DD was generally the one to get teh girls to whereever they wanted to go, and to hang aroind to be close by when they were "dropped off." She and her DH are also the ones doing this now that Kady is a senior in HS.

Now this is about how it is in my DGD's situation. I can tell you that in all the years DGD was having play dates my DD was never friends with the parents. She was friendly, but that was it. The kids were the ones with things in common, not the Mom's. For you, you need to develop the means to put yourself out there, You do not need to find a large group, but there are plenty of opportunities for meeting women. I like book clubs. There is usually on run by the library, and they group is small. There is a focus, there is a set time frame, and you can get to know women slowly by discussions that are not kid related. And you got to read!

 

[mjkacmom]

It’s funny, out of all of my mom friends, there are very few where are children are friends, or have ever spoken to each other. Most I’ve just met through other moms, and we hit it off. Once my kids were in 3rd grade or so, I wasn’t really part of the planning. They would ask if they could go to so and so’s, and if I could drive them, or if so and so could come over. Unless I happened to be friends with the parent, there wasn’t any communication between the parents. I live in a big and small town (small in size, large population, but everyone knows everyone, or at least someone you know knows someone else).

I also keep in touch with my high school friends daily, and I graduated over 30 years ago. We’ve been through a lot together.

 

[CeruleanMoon]

I've lost touch with friends over the years. Maybe that's something I should try to remedy.

 

[quandrea]

I think friendships need to evolve organically. You also don’t need many friends. I find I’ve picked up one friend through each stage of life for the most part.

My kids are heavily involved with swimming, but I’ve only met one mom that I spend any time with out of the pool time. It’s been three years that I’ve known her, and I still wouldn’t say she is my friend. She is a close acquaintance, and will probably be a friend one day, but we aren’t there yet. It takes a long time.

Most of my true friends, I’ve known anywhere from 28-46 years (I’m 46). There aren’t that many of them either. Maybe six, tops.

Don’t sweat it. Give it time. Introduce yourself to a few people, chat a bit. You’ll know when you click with someone. It might be through your son, but it might not.