What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
All you can eat chicken legs
What's dangerous and swings in trees?
A monkey with a chainsaw
What's green and brown, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?
A pool table!
How do you get a one-armed newfie (insert Blonde or other stereotype here) out of a tree?
Wave at him!
A duck walks into a bar and asks for some grapes. The bartender informs the duck that they do not sell grapes. The duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back and asks again for some grapes. "I told you yesterday, we don't sell grapes here," the bartender tells him. The duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again and again asks for some grapes. "Don't you get it? We don't sell grapes here? We never will!! Get lost!" The bartender had lost his patience. On the fourth day, the duck walks back into the bar and before the duck can utter a word, the bartender speaks up, "If you ask for grapes one more time, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck looks at him for a moment and then asks, "Do you have nails?" "No! This is a bar! We do NOT have nails. Nor will we ever have nails!" The duck then asks, "Well, do you got any grapes?"