Should I pay for my college student?

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I agree- I didn't read the whole thread but maybe they are getting two rooms? It would weird me out as a teen to be sharing a room with my friends dad! I would think many dads would be uncomfortable sharing a room with a unrelated 17/18 year old female friend of the daughters. Most people I know do like a "girls trip" for things like this like a cruise with mom, daughter and friend. Or my daughter went on a Disney trip for a friends sixteenth bday and it was the mom, daughter and two of the daughters friends. For my daughters I took her and a friend to Disney.

I commented on that aspect because the OP mentioned they were getting one room and if the older DD came it would mean two rooms. That surprised me as I figured they'd need two rooms anyway. So I mentioned it in case OP hadn't that about that aspect for the friend.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm honestly confused at how you think she could pay even a portion if she's taking out loans for school. Maybe it's priorities but if my child was going into debt for school, I wouldn't even suggest a vacation.

Just take her on the family vacation and pay for it. The fact that her dad just did is going to make you seem like the bad guy who plays favorites.

Oh, and you've mentioned several different things with regard to her school struggles- partying and not taking it seriously but then homesickness while 8 hours away and then maybe a major that was a poor fit.

Honestly college and moving out isn't smooth for everyone. I would look into some counseling support for her to help her navigate this new stage of life.

 

[mummabear]

I'm honestly confused at how you think she could pay even a portion if she's taking out loans for school. Maybe it's priorities but if my child was going into debt for school, I wouldn't even suggest a vacation.

And come to think of it, not a great life lesson

 

[lifesavacation]

I would never encourage my college age child to pay for a trip to Disneyland while taking out school loans. College would be the priority.

I would choose to not bring along the friend if I couldn't afford for everyone to go.

 

[SMD]

I'm the oldest and my parents probably wouldn't have taken me on my sister's graduation trip, especially if I had gotten one too. They felt that I had several years as the only child and my sister deserved their undivided attention sometimes once I was away at college.

 

[Wishing on a star]

School performance... as in always getting good grades... Is not an applicable issue.
Losing financial aide due to behaviors.... Yes, very much an issue.

And, being in college, alone, would not be a big thing for me. Because, no, one does not have to pass all classes or maintain a certain GPA 'or get kicked out' at most colleges. TONS of kids out there skating and partying thru college. As long as the institution is being paid (by mommy and daddy, or financial aide) they are fine.

I am one who who very strongly opposes the "Hey, your 18-19-20" so we aren't going to pay to include you...
But, I still see no mandate for the OP to pay for this daughter.

I also would be hung-up on the room thing...
First, just to me, my feelings... it would be hard for me to be sharing one room and sleeping quarters with a grown man.
And, just logistically, an adult couple and TWO TEEN GIRLS, one who is not a daughter, sharing one small bathroom. Just the logistics there are too much for me to even think about.

At this point, we don't like to think about traveling with our grown son without at least a suite with a separate area. When we brought his best friend on a short trip with us, we have had a one-bedroom unit. Even a two bedroom condo, so that there would be two baths.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would disagree with bringing the older grown sister instead of the graduate's friend at this point.
I am thinking that the younger sister, and her friend too, have been discussing and anticipating her senior trip.

The older sister got her Senior Trip, and I believe that she brought a friend... (with out without a sibling along)
While I am not whining that 'everything has to be exactly equal', (I don't do that) To cancel this daughters Senior Trip to make it a family trip with the sole reason that grown adult sister gets to come for free. I see that as very problematic.

Bringing the grown adult sister along... okay!!!!
Canceling an anticipated senior trip for the graduating senior and her friend. No...

 

[CarolAnn856]

I would be able to separate the grades/extra loans from participating in a family celebration. You say that they are not linked, but the fact that you even bring it up says otherwise. That you feel you cannot pay for her since you are now paying more to help her with college clearly links the two.

I wouldn't put this trip in the same category of "you are on your own for vacation after 18," unless you specifically included the graduation celebration as part of your stance. This is much more than a general family vacation.

I agree with Wishing on a star above that cancelling your younger daughter's friend is not the way to go. Since it is a money issue, and you are tighter on funds because of your older daughter's college expenses, this would set up resentment between the two sisters.

I also could not leave behind my daughter who is already struggling with homesickness and who is making an effort to improve her grades (in changing her major).

But here is what I think really matters: In the long run, giving up some extras during this year in order to save enough to bring your daughter will be forgotten soon after your trip. However, not bringing her will likely leave her feeling hurt and unwanted for a long time. Which is worse? To me, the answer is clear.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I would disagree with bringing the older grown sister instead of the graduate's friend at this point.
I am thinking that the younger sister, and her friend too, have been discussing and anticipating her senior trip.

Bringing the grown adult sister along... okay!!!!
Canceling an anticipated senior trip for the graduating senior and her friend. No...

I think people's point is on the friend part is simply put it's the friend of your daughter..not your daughter.

Truth be told if the OP had any inkling of bringing the oldest daughter along then it would have been prudent to have already thought about that and the financial aspect prior to even mentioning the younger daughter could invite someone.

 

[Wishing on a star]

As a parent, I would want to honor my promise to my daughter and the expectation of this Senior trip with her friend.
(others have suggested otherwise)

My thoughts are clear.
I stand by them.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

As a parent, I would want to honor my promise to my daughter and the expectation of this Senior trip with her friend.
(others have suggested otherwise)

My thoughts are clear.
I stand by them.

I wasn't trying to change your mind

I was just explaining where posters' stance was coming from.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Something to consider well the ydd lose a friend if uninvited at this point

 

[bjscheel]

How bad does dad want to go? Could it be a girls trip and everyone fit in one room? (My DH would not want to be left home, but I know there are some that don't care that much for a Disney trip so just tossing that out there.)

I don't have the answer for you but we are approaching this stage too, OP. I have one starting college in the fall, and one who will be a junior in HS. So far they have had equal family vacations as we didn't go on any before DD15 was born. I plan on paying for vacations while they are in college. However, DD18 is taking a two year program, and DD15 will probably be taking 4 years of college. So it may not come out equal. We might not even take a big vacation next summer because DD18 has a summer semester so they don't have any time off together except for church camp time. I'm thinking we will save up and go to Disney June 2019 for their joint college/HS grad trip before DD18 starts a real job. So she may not even take a vacation during her college tenure other than church camp.

The girls are already somewhat not equal, as DD15 will have gone on two school sponsored trips. But NOLA was just $400, and NYC she is going to try to pay for herself. DD18 only wanted to do the Costa Rica trip, which was $2400 and we decided we wouldn't spend that on a trip for just one person. DD18 threw that out there the other day that DD15 was getting to do more trips. I maintain that DD18 just didn't choose the cheaper ones.

I figure DD15 will need more help with college expenses as well, going for 4 years, and being young for her class so she still can't drive to a job yet. I feel bad that DD15 may end up getting "more" on several fronts, but maybe there will be opportunities to help DD18 in other ways. Sometimes fair isn't "equal".

 

[CF'er]

You say the trip is a year away, can you not start saving extra so that you can afford oldest DD to go?

And this is how I view the Mexico trip. My Ex is engaged to another woman who also has a son at home. My new DH and I do pretty well financially so we are able to do things for our (mine and exDH's) kids including trips and Christmas. ExDH doesn't buy Christmas for our kids but does for fiance's son. His justification is that the kids get stuff at our house that fiance's child doesn't so they put all their effort into him. My kids understand that we can do more than their dad but it still cuts pretty deep and they feel pretty slighted when excluded at his house. It isn't the value but the thought that counts. Oh and the kids are 21 and 19 with fiance son 17. We aren't talking small who don't understand.

You need to take DD on this trip.

 

[Kristie Smith]

Maybe it's just me (and a bit off topic), but won't it be awkward for your dd's friend to share a room with you and your husband? I would not have felt comfortable with that at 17-18.

ETA for clarity-I am in no way suggesting your husband would do anything to make the friend uncomfortable specifically, but that age is full of body consciousness etc.

We will look for a hotel that has a 1 room suite. If my oldest goes we would end up getting 2 rooms, 1 for the girls and 1 for us. My daughters friend is her best friend since kindergarten so she is like another child to us.

 

[Kristie Smith]

I commented on that aspect because the OP mentioned they were getting one room and if the older DD came it would mean two rooms. That surprised me as I figured they'd need two rooms anyway. So I mentioned it in case OP hadn't that about that aspect for the friend.

We will get a 1 room suite unless my oldest goes, then we will get 2 rooms.

 

[Kristie Smith]

And come to think of it, not a great life lesson

We all do things different. I just paid off my student loans, my parents helped with college but didn't foot the entire bill. We are doing the same thing. The trip is for her sister's senior trip, she received the same thing when she graduated and got to bring a friend.

 

[Kristie Smith]

You say the trip is a year away, can you not start saving extra so that you can afford oldest DD to go?

And this is how I view the Mexico trip. My Ex is engaged to another woman who also has a son at home. My new DH and I do pretty well financially so we are able to do things for our (mine and exDH's) kids including trips and Christmas. ExDH doesn't buy Christmas for our kids but does for fiance's son. His justification is that the kids get stuff at our house that fiance's child doesn't so they put all their effort into him. My kids understand that we can do more than their dad but it still cuts pretty deep and they feel pretty slighted when excluded at his house. It isn't the value but the thought that counts. Oh and the kids are 21 and 19 with fiance son 17. We aren't talking small who don't understand.

You need to take DD on this trip.

Yes, we need to save for the trip entirely. It's just a matter of coming up with the extra cost of a 2nd hotel room and food, ticket etc. It all adds up. We will just need to put more away each month and not sure if that's feasible. We have a cc that we could use.

 

[Kristie Smith]

How bad does dad want to go? Could it be a girls trip and everyone fit in one room? (My DH would not want to be left home, but I know there are some that don't care that much for a Disney trip so just tossing that out there.)

I don't have the answer for you but we are approaching this stage too, OP. I have one starting college in the fall, and one who will be a junior in HS. So far they have had equal family vacations as we didn't go on any before DD15 was born. I plan on paying for vacations while they are in college. However, DD18 is taking a two year program, and DD15 will probably be taking 4 years of college. So it may not come out equal. We might not even take a big vacation next summer because DD18 has a summer semester so they don't have any time off together except for church camp time. I'm thinking we will save up and go to Disney June 2019 for their joint college/HS grad trip before DD18 starts a real job. So she may not even take a vacation during her college tenure other than church camp.

The girls are already somewhat not equal, as DD15 will have gone on two school sponsored trips. But NOLA was just $400, and NYC she is going to try to pay for herself. DD18 only wanted to do the Costa Rica trip, which was $2400 and we decided we wouldn't spend that on a trip for just one person. DD18 threw that out there the other day that DD15 was getting to do more trips. I maintain that DD18 just didn't choose the cheaper ones.

I figure DD15 will need more help with college expenses as well, going for 4 years, and being young for her class so she still can't drive to a job yet. I feel bad that DD15 may end up getting "more" on several fronts, but maybe there will be opportunities to help DD18 in other ways. Sometimes fair isn't "equal".

DH wants to go. Your situation is similar. I struggle with fairness and including everyone on trips. My youngest doesn't plan on going to college right away. She has been saving her money to go visit a friend in Norway after HS. She'll decide on college after that. We won't be helping on the Norway trip. She's been saving and will use what money she gets from her graduation for that.

 

[Kristie Smith]

I would never encourage my college age child to pay for a trip to Disneyland while taking out school loans. College would be the priority.

I would choose to not bring along the friend if I couldn't afford for everyone to go.

My only problem with that is my oldest received the same trip when she graduated 2 years ago and was able to bring a friend whom we paid for. It wouldn't be fair to my youngest if she didn't receive the same thing.