Has anyone else had issues with their college kid not respecting the rules of your house? We don't have a lot of rules for the college kids. Once they hit college, there is no more curfew. Our rules are about honesty and courtesy. Don't lie to mom and dad about what you are doing and check in with us via text if you are going to be home super late or spend the night at a friend's house. DS21 has no issues with this. He tells us he's going to X's house. We'll get a text later saying I'll be home around 2:00 AM, or we left X's and went to Y's, or I had a few beers and am sleeping over at X's house - all of which are totally fine with us (even when he was just 18). He knows we'll worry if we wake up at 4:00 AM and he's not home, so he checks in. Common courtesy.
DD19 won't do it, and it's been a constant source of fighting this summer. She has left the house saying she's going to X's house, and then we hear nothing from her for 24-36 hours. Once time we tried texting her for several hours; she didn't respond. At that point we started calling her friends parents to make sure she was not hurt/kidnapped. The mom said she'd been at her house for two days with some other girls, and they were all currently asleep, so that's why she didn't text us back. How hard is it to shoot your parents a text to make sure they don't worry???? Last night she got home after being out for 30 hours. I finally texted her yesterday at mid day, she did text back that she'd be home soon. She came home at 1:00 AM. I was peeved at that point. All we ask is for a text. She just won't do it.
I wouldn't be so worried about all of this, but she's also been lying to us about where she goes and what she does. She accidentally outs herself and gets caught in the lie, otherwise we'd believe whatever she tells us. She also lied to her bosses at both her jobs on 4th of July. She told both places she was scheduled to work that she had a fever, so she could get out of work and party with her friends at the beach. She got caught in that lie by one of her bosses. So now he rarely puts her on the schedule. She went from working there 3 days a week to 1 day a week if that. I can't blame him either. I'd have done the same thing. With so little work, she's got even more time on her hand, which is not a good thing.
We only know 2 of her girlfriends and 1 of her guys friends that she's been hanging out with this summer. She won't let us meet them. It's not the same group she hung out with in HS, and some of them are not the best influence and don't have good home lives. She has them over to our house only when we are not here. Apparently that's what they do - congregate at whichever house has no parents at home. But the worst thing is that she's made some very risky decisions that could have had serious consequences for her future (NOT drinking/driving related thank goodness, I'm not going to share what they are). She didn't get caught in any of these (this time), so she thinks it's no big deal. DH said last month that he's really worried she's going to get hurt or get in trouble and ruin her life. I can't blame it all on her friends because she is the one making the choices, but I know they are encouraging her to choose badly. Part of the reason she's been lying is because she KNOWS we would not like what she's doing because it's risky, but she wants to do it anyway.
We've grounded her twice (for a combined total of 5 days) for the lying. Lying is not tolerated in our house. She claims she is an adult, and it is totally wrong to ground her. And she's been completely disrespectful about it. She may be 19, but she is totally dependent on us for everything - food, shelter, medical, phone, car, insurance, education. We told her that she can do whatever she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants when she is fully in charge of her own life. She says we are over the top; all her friends think so; none of their parents try to still parent or have rules for their 19 year old kids. I find that hard to believe.
DH and I think it might be better for her to stay up at school and get a job there next summer. She would be surrounded by more motivated kids on campus. But we'll see. Thanks for letting me vent.
Very sorry that you are going through this. The summer between Freshman and sophomore year is the toughest in my opinion. They've been used to living on their own, coming and going as they please, and answering to no one for months now. Then they come home and mom and dad are back in the daily picture. My kids at that age had complete freedom when they returned home except for basically what you are requiring. Although I never expected them to keep me updated on location and who they were with after high school. Just let me know if you'll be around for dinner so that I don't waste time cooking for people who will be out and most of all- let me know when or if you will be home. As you said, I consider this common courtesy. I worry as it gets late. This period is also difficult because we as parents have become used to peace and quiet and not seeing and worrying about what they are up to day in and day out.
I agree with your DD that grounding at this point is inappropriate. She's an adult and it seems to demean her. I agree with the statement that "our love is unconditional but our money is not." I would sit her down and tell her that the next time she doesn't check in as you expect, her car will be impounded as soon as you track her down. Or heck, take the keys today, as soon as she shows up. She's certainly had plenty of warning. I'd also take her phone and replace it with a cheap- texting/calling flip phone if those are still available for purchase. I wouldn't want her out and about without a way to communicate but there is no reason to pay for an expensive phone. Anything else that you pay for that could be taken away would be.
I would also address the dangerous behavior and let her know that a continuation of that behavior would have the same consequences. "I love you but will not financially support poor choices."
Am I remembering that your DD also got into a scrape at school last year? With that in mind and the summer you are having, I also would encourage seeking some counseling for her. Some kids transition easily to adulthood and others need some help. If I'm mistaking you- please forgive me.
This period was the last that DD22 moved home. Sophomore year and on, she was in an apartment so she stayed in her college town where jobs and internships were plentiful. It worked well. We visited a lot back and forth- met up for vacation, she had me come and stay with her for a week at her apartment, etc... But she was able to maintain her day in and day out of living as an adult.
Good luck- parenting is difficult!
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