'Permission' to date again after spouse passes

[jaye614]

I know that there are widowers and widows out there who have talked with their late spouses about dating and/or marrying again after they passed.

Is that something you think you would ask your spouse if they were dying?

'Would it be ok for me to move on and fall in love again?'

what if they said No?

 

[Disneylover99]

I know that there are widowers and widows out there who have talked with their late spouses about dating and/or marrying again after they passed.

Is that something you think you would ask your spouse if they were dying?

'Would it be ok for me to move on and fall in love again?'

what if they said No?

It’s definitely not something I’d talk to them about if they were dying. I’d hope that my husband wouldn’t have this conversation with me on my death bed.

The only reason to ask is because you’re thinking about or hoping to fall in love again. And what f they did say no, but you do meet somebody. Then you’ll feel guilty.

You don’t need anyone’s permission. Yes, it’s okay to move on and fall in love again.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Someone who really loves you would want you to be happy.

 

[Allison]

No, I would not ask. What a cruddy thing to do.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

No, I would not ask. What a cruddy thing to do.

How would you even bring that up?

 

[tvguy]

We only had the conversation because the attorney doing our estate planning asked if we wanted a plan in place in our estate plan to deal with the surviving spouse remarrying.
Apparently it is not unheard of for an estate plan to have contingencies for if the surviving spouse remarries. Your will and estate plan may specify that you leave everything to your spouse, but if your spouse later remarries, you can specify that your half now go to whomever you choose because of the remarriage. Say, your kids. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has heard of a someone dying, the surviving spouse remarries, the surviving spouse dies, and somehow the entire estate ends up in the hands of someone not related to, or maybe even known to, the original spouses.

In our case, it was a brief conversation. We believe in the "one and done" rule of marriage, so no such clause in our will or estate plan.

 

[scrhsa]

I think my husband and I have talked about it before. I would NOT discuss it with my husband dying! He is a bit too fragile for that( he is a big manly type of man too ) That would be so heartless to do that to him. You know, that whole "you're not even dead yet but I'm already thinking of moving on and forgetting about you" thing would just kill him that much faster. Or maybe make him fight a bit more to hang on And at my age now, don't think I would want move on and go through all of that again. Once is good for me Now, my husband, on the other hand...I totally expect him to move on pretty quickly. He doesn't like to be alone. AT ALL! Shoot, on my death bed I would probably tell him to get out there and find someone. I would want him to be happy. He would deserve it after being married to me for as long as he has!

When my Dad passed away with in 2 months people were asking if my Mom would start dating. She was 65. Young enough still but she just looked at those people and said " I've had the best no reason to try it again". And it took her a long time to get over Dad. At least 5 years to feel like herself again. To get her balance back, if you will. They had been married nearly 50 yrs.

My sister knew a woman who had a very aggressive breast cancer. Her husband was already "seeing" someone before she had even died. And within 3 months they were married. She said it was totally out of character for him. Don't think they stayed married either.

 

[cabanafrau]

No, I would not ask my dying spouse if I could remarry.

 

[tvguy]

I think my husband and I have talked about it before. I would NOT discuss it with my husband dying! He is a bit too fragile for that( he is a big manly type of man too ) That would be so heartless to do that to him. You know, that whole "you're not even dead yet but I'm already thinking of moving on and forgetting about you" thing would just kill him that much faster. Or maybe make him fight a bit more to hang on And at my age now, don't think I would want move on and go through all of that again. Once is good for me Now, my husband, on the other hand...I totally expect him to move on pretty quickly. He doesn't like to be alone. AT ALL! Shoot, on my death bed I would probably tell him to get out there and find someone. I would want him to be happy. He would deserve it after being married to me for as long as he has!

When my Dad passed away with in 2 months people were asking if my Mom would start dating. She was 65. Young enough still but she just looked at those people and said " I've had the best no reason to try it again". And it took her a long time to get over Dad. At least 5 years to feel like herself again. To get her balance back, if you will. They had been married nearly 50 yrs.

My sister knew a woman who had a very aggressive breast cancer. Her husband was already "seeing" someone before she had even died. And within 3 months they were married. She said it was totally out of character for him. Don't think they stayed married either.

It is a VERY personal choice that only the individual can make. My dad died when I was 9. My mom went on one date in 46 years of being a widow. My dad was terminally ill for 2 years, I can see why my mom would want time to herself after having to take care of him, and me, and working full time , and keep the household running.
And when she retired, she said all the men interested in dating her were old and sick and she wasn't going to sign on to be someone's nurse.

Now one of my Fraternity brothers lost his wife after a 5 year long battle with cancer. He was dating again within a month, and re-married within 6 months

 

[larissawbb]

My grandfather remarried a couple of years after my grandmother died. He passed away after being remarried for a few years. His new wife got remarried two months after he died and then she passed six months later. The new guy somehow ended up with the house and my grandmothers jewelry. It devastated my mom. It may seem cold but it’s a good conversation to have when both parties are in good health.

 

[mnrose]

Hell no I wouldn't ask. I totally ASSUME that my husband would keep on living if I passed before him. And, the same for him to me. He does not need my permission, and I don't need his.

 

[cabanafrau]

My grandfather remarried a couple of years after my grandmother died. He passed away after being remarried for a few years. His new wife got remarried two months after he died and then she passed six months later. The new guy somehow ended up with the house and my grandmothers jewelry. It devastated my mom. It may seem cold but it’s a good conversation to have when both parties are in good health.

Happens all the time. That's a separate issue from remarriage itself. As tvguy said, proper estate planning can be particularly key with second marriages.

 

[mom2rtk]

Someone would ask that while the spouse was dying?

 

[ronandannette]

Sorry - weird double post. See below.

 

[mom2rtk]

How would you even bring that up?

"Before you go..........."

 

[Hikergirl]

It isn't a conversation dh and I have had, although there are some jokes thrown around about it.
I would never ask someone while they were dying, but it isn't something I'd ever ask. If my dh dies before me, why would I need permission to continue living and vice versa? If he was the type of person who said "no" then he isn't the type of person I would have married in the first place.

 

[cinnaminny]

I knew someone whose wife died and she asked him to move on and not wait too long. I think it made him feel better that she brought it up. Especially since some of his friends actually said some crappy things to him on facebook about flaunting his new relationship. (she had been gone a year, which seems maybe a little fast, but she was really ill for two or three years) He was able to say, this is what she wanted me to do.

My husband and I support each other being happy if one of us passes away. But I don't think either of us would be taking selfies and asking the other if we should put that on our dating profile lol

 

[ronandannette]

No, I would not ask. What a cruddy thing to do.

How would you even bring that up?

I agree totally with the sentiments of these posts. And seriously - what would one do if the spouse said “NO”? Would you be prepared to honour that unreasonable edict?

IMO estate planning is a different issue and ideally would be worked out well beforehand and relate to assets only. DH and I haven’t made specific provisions but we 100% trust each other’s judgement now so I don’t see that changing. Harsh as it may sound, when all our assets pass to whichever one of us survives the other, they will be (his/mine) to do with as we would, even if that includes having them eventually benefit a future spouse.

 

[Floridaman999]

Hey, remember your friend Judy? Well, since you won't be around much longer, I was wondering...

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Yes I can see talking about it beforehand. I’m sure at some point DH and I have talked about it, even just in a joking manner. I could never when someone is actually declining and you’re in the midst of those feelings and emotions.