You absolutely should have made a scene. At the very least his wife would have known although if he's doing it right next to you the wife probably already knows. Also, if he did that to you in a public place, he's likely done it before to others. You should have made a scene and gotten security involved. I know that at the time you were probably in a bit of shock not knowing what to do. Clowns like this need to be stopped. Sorry for you.
It's not particularly helpful in many situations to tell someone what they "absolutely should have done". This is one of them. Statements like that frequently make those who have been victimized feel guilt and shame, despite another party being entirely at fault.
To be fair, just offering comfort isn't really helpful either.
The fact is women everywhere have to deal with this kind of stuff, at what point is it OK to say we need too..... or we should......?
If someone tells me what I should have done I'm not going to feel shameful or guilty, I'm going to feel empowered to do/say something next time because I know "people will have my back".
If we want it to stop then we have to take steps to stop it and that includes looking at ourselves and figuring out what we need to do if we find ourselves in that situation.
Those kinds of men (and women who do it too) rely on the fact that we aren't going to say anything to them, that we aren't going to make a scene or get security or some others involved. That is why it is such an issue, that is why they keep doing it and getting away with it.
Nobody is going to stand up for you until you stand up for yourself.
It's not particularly helpful in many situations to tell someone what they "absolutely should have done". This is one of them. Statements like that frequently make those who have been victimized feel guilt and shame, despite another party being entirely at fault.
To be completely fair, I didn't "just offer comfort". Matter of fact I didn't address that aspect at all.
That wasn't meant towards you, it was a general statement.
My comments are based on quite a bit of experience over the years dealing with those who have been victims of sexual assault. I have been told repeatedly that the sense of guilt and shame is as much, if not more overwhelming than the effects of the assault itself. In talking with several counselors who treat those who have been assaulted, some of whom run support groups, one of the things I have learned is to first listen to what the person has to say, because oftentimes the biggest hurdle to surmount is being able to express thoughts and feelings about what has happened. The ability to unburden oneself about what happened can be key to beginning to heal. It's perfectly normal to offer reassurance and empathy to someone clearly suffering and in distress. What's less intuitive about the situation is that it's quite often counterproductive to jump in with suggestions of how to do things differently -- unless personally requested. When someone in shock and distress expresses the source of their pain and it is met with an instant litany of suggestions it is often internalized as the victim being the root cause of the attack -- even if that isn't remotely what the person offering the suggestions intended. Taking it to the extreme of telling someone what they "absolutely should have done" definitely offers up a heavy load of shame and guilt to be shouldered.
There is absolutely a need and a venue for propagandizing for how to protect and advocate for ourselves to head off risk factors as best we can and attempting to be prepared for the worst if need be. In the face of someone wrestling with the aftermath ain't it. People are worked up about athletes celebrating goals, yet shrug off people being told what they absolutely should have done in a situation like this or attention seeking by telling tales of how they fought back in similar situations? That simply doesn't sit well with me, not even a little bit.
I took it as almost giving permission that it's ok to do, not as a directive. (Not that the OP needs permission, but if women hear it enough, they realize it's ok, since we have often been taught to be "nice".)Wasn't meant as a chastisement for the OP. It was meant as a caution for anyone finding themselves in a similar situation should it ever arise. I understand your point. I should have said "Should anyone else find themselves in a situation like this it's best to..."
I really cannot understand why women put up with this. First response is walk away. This should be effective most of the time. If not then jewels and that plus walk away probably 99% effective. If serious then shoot to kill. A kill shot takes care of that pesky 1%.A swift kick to the jewels ends nonsense like that quick. Sometimes violence is the answer.
I was going to say, growing up in the 60s and 70s, especially out at clubs and such, it was pretty commonplace to be "grabbed". I never had any problem forcefully pushing someone's hand away and giving the death stare or telling them to knock it off. I was even groped by a patient before when I was leaning over another patient in the bed beside him! Not cool!
I think that things today, in the Me Too period, are a lot different. All of us know it's not right to invade someone's personal or private space, and know it's ok to take whatever means necessary to stop it. I saw that Cuba Gooding is learning his lesson about it the hard way. Being drunk isn't an excuse anymore.
I don't think the OP should not have gone to the concert alone. I like a pp's suggestion of asking the other couple to change seats, but I also wouldn't have had an issue with security coming in and removing him, either. What a creep that guy was! I do think there is an element of using common sense and protecting yourself, I talk about that with my DD a lot, and she's had classes with college campus security and such. I don't think it's a bad idea for women to carry pepper spray or Mace, or even arm themselves for self-protection. Too many are at the mercy of others wanting to hurt or kill them. We read the stories every day but I don't see a lot being done to stop it.
I really cannot understand why women put up with this.
If you could explain it to me then eternally grateful to you. I have six year old twin girls that I don’t ever want to respond passively to aggression so your explanation will be immensely useful.Yes, your post makes it obvious you don't understand.
And you just keep on teaching them that "NO!" is an appropriate answer.If you could explain it to me then eternally grateful to you. I have six year old twin girls that I don’t ever want to respond passively to aggression so your explanation will be immensely useful.