Adoption transparency measure passes hurdle in NYS Senate

[LSUmiss]

What I find interesting is that I have been to seminars for work that was put on by an adoption agency that was basically a promotional seminar for adoption. They had testimonials designed to convince ppl that adoption is always the best choice & that adoptees never have any negative feelings about their birth parents. Thankfully, I’ve never been faced with that decision, but I always thought that at least some adoptees would have at least some feelings of rejection or resentment & I always thought part of that would affect my decision if I were ever in that position. But, at this conference, they basically tried to make it like that rarely, if ever, happens. Hearing some ppl’s comments like “you can’t hide” or “dirty little secret” makes me think it’s not always as rosy as this agency tried to make it sound.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

I agree but only moving forward. Whatever was supposed to be private info the law then should be honored. Imagine if mental health or substance abuse treatment records were suddenly legally considered unsealed.

I understand your point of view. This particular law is just not as black and white for me.

 

[EMom]

When we adopted DD internationally, there were two abortions for every live birth in that country. So yes, I am grateful her birth mother chose to give birth to her, and I suspect DD is too. That is just reality. I have offered to locate her birthmother and DD has no interest. We do have a name and address. But I'd make contact through a discreet professional and never assume she welcomed contact. That would be up to her.

 

[LSUmiss]

Also add in the mix ivf. If my sister has a successful pregnancy, she will end up with embryos that she will not want. She could donate them & they could be adopted, but she won’t do that b/c it freaks her out what could happen in the future. It’s ashamed that she will have to destroy perfectly healthy embryos. Similarly, will men stop donating sperm b/c of these kind of laws? IMO, it’s all a slippery slope.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I had only ever been to one adoption seminar thing. But, I do clearly remember that the focus was on the fact that the adoptive parents not the child had only good feelings and appreciation for the birth mother. As many birth mothers might feel fearful or judged. The big lesson was that, good or bad, the truth about the fact that the child is adopted, and what the circumstances were, was the most important.

I also do not think that one person wanting to know would come before another person's right to privacy. Like the examples above of doners. It is a very slippery slope.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Also add in the mix ivf. If my sister has a successful pregnancy, she will end up with embryos that she will not want. She could donate them & they could be adopted, but she won’t do that b/c it freaks her out what could happen in the future. It’s ashamed that she will have to destroy perfectly healthy embryos. Similarly, will men stop donating sperm b/c of these kind of laws? IMO, it’s all a slippery slope.

We placed our embryos wtih another family which resulted in live births. We chose an open relationship, but others can choose closed, if they prefer. There are various ways to do this now. It took a lot of instrospection, but this choice, for me, was preferable to destroying.

I was thinking about medical history in light of what's been said here and our own experience: it's ongoing, basically. Filling out a form at the time of pregnancy/giving up for adoption, or in our case placing embryos for adoption, gives information in a snapshot, and what is known at that time. But things happen later that you have no way of knowing ahead of time. So I agree there should be a way to communicate medical history, but I don't know how it can always be updated from people who want to close this part of their lives down and move forward, unless they agree to providing updates somehow. (And that, I wouldn't rely on.)

I agree that the medical part of this is difficult whey you don't know. Although things happen to people that aren't necessarily part of a family history, too.

 

[LSUmiss]

We placed our embryos wtih another family which resulted in live births. We chose an open relationship, but others can choose closed, if they prefer. There are various ways to do this now. It took a lot of instrospection, but this choice, for me, was preferable to destroying.

I was thinking about medical history in light of what's been said here and our own experience: it's ongoing, basically. Filling out a form at the time of pregnancy/giving up for adoption, or in our case placing embryos for adoption, gives information in a snapshot, and what is known at that time. But things happen later that you have no way of knowing ahead of time. So I agree there should be a way to communicate medical history, but I don't know how it can always be updated from people who want to close this part of their lives down and move forward, unless they agree to providing updates somehow. (And that, I wouldn't rely on.)

I agree that the medical part of this is difficult whey you don't know. Although things happen to people that aren't necessarily part of a family history, too.

You can do closed for now, but with laws changing like the do, I’d be afraid that could change.

 

[mom2rtk]

You can do closed for now, but with laws changing like the do, I’d be afraid that could change.

And closed now apparently doesn't mean closed tomorrow.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

We placed our embryos wtih another family which resulted in live births. We chose an open relationship, but others can choose closed, if they prefer. There are various ways to do this now. It took a lot of instrospection, but this choice, for me, was preferable to destroying.

I was thinking about medical history in light of what's been said here and our own experience: it's ongoing, basically. Filling out a form at the time of pregnancy/giving up for adoption, or in our case placing embryos for adoption, gives information in a snapshot, and what is known at that time. But things happen later that you have no way of knowing ahead of time. So I agree there should be a way to communicate medical history, but I don't know how it can always be updated from people who want to close this part of their lives down and move forward, unless they agree to providing updates somehow. (And that, I wouldn't rely on.)

I agree that the medical part of this is difficult whey you don't know. Although things happen to people that aren't necessarily part of a family history, too.

That is an extraordinary gift.

You are right about the medical, what’s known or reported at one time can change drastically over the years. It’s not realistic to expect updates. In my situation, I discovered pretty severe mental illness in my immediate family. It’s not something that was on my radar ( I was concerned with cancer, heart disease, autoimmune disorders) . My boys are at the prime age for mental issues to start showing itself. I’m so thankful to have an awareness now. I know it’s not a preventable illness or curable. If the need arises, we have the information to manage it.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

You can do closed for now, but with laws changing like the do, I’d be afraid that could change.

I think the DNA databases are more revealing than the changing laws. A definite contemplation for any donor for sure.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You can do closed for now, but with laws changing like the do, I’d be afraid that could change.

Although they contain the same genetic material as a live infant, things may be a little different with embryos, as they are considered property at this time. Things, of course, could change, but as of now, laws differ from those of infants. It could depend, too, on what type of agency you use. The agency we used is very strict about confidentiality. But with the way electronic information is headed, I suppose anything can happen. It's not an issue for us, but could be for others.

 

[EveDallas]

It is still NOT the fault of the child- Yes it would have been a terrible time for the mother but still not the fault of the child and the child should not have to pay the price for that.

But the mother should?

 

[LSUmiss]

But the mother should?

Good point & it could be more traumatic for her since she endured the actual assault.

 

[aprilgail]

What I find interesting is that I have been to seminars for work that was put on by an adoption agency that was basically a promotional seminar for adoption. They had testimonials designed to convince ppl that adoption is always the best choice & that adoptees never have any negative feelings about their birth parents. Thankfully, I’ve never been faced with that decision, but I always thought that at least some adoptees would have at least some feelings of rejection or resentment & I always thought part of that would affect my decision if I were ever in that position. But, at this conference, they basically tried to make it like that rarely, if ever, happens. Hearing some ppl’s comments like “you can’t hide” or “dirty little secret” makes me think it’s not always as rosy as this agency tried to make it sound.

I know plenty that have no hard feelings but I know just as many that do- I know twins that have been separated from their sibling and adopted out separately to different families which in my opinion should NEVER EVER happen. It is bad enough you are splitting them from their bio parent/s but then splitting up a twin too is just cruel. I always told my daughter that if she ever ended up getting pregnant not to panic- I would take that child and keep it with their biological family, I would never want my own flesh and blood given away.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Nope. It would be 100% your daughter's decision.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I would take that child and keep it with their biological family, I would never want my own flesh and blood given away.

I think the more appropriate wording is you would be willing, if she was ok with it, to raise the child. Ultimately if she's a competent individual it's her choice.

 

[Searc]

I know plenty that have no hard feelings but I know just as many that do- I know twins that have been separated from their sibling and adopted out separately to different families which in my opinion should NEVER EVER happen. It is bad enough you are splitting them from their bio parent/s but then splitting up a twin too is just cruel. I always told my daughter that if she ever ended up getting pregnant not to panic- I would take that child and keep it with their biological family, I would never want my own flesh and blood given away.

Except it isn't up to you. You have very negative feelings about adoption/being adopted and you need to realize not everyone feels like you do about adoption. For many, many girls and women, it is the best choice for them and their baby. You seem to think there is no thought put into it and the biological mother throws that child away and never feels another thing about that baby. For most, it is the hardest thing they'll ever have to do, but they loved their baby enough to give them a life they knew they couldn't. I'm not even going to get into cases of rape and incest.

 

[mjkacmom]

I know plenty that have no hard feelings but I know just as many that do- I know twins that have been separated from their sibling and adopted out separately to different families which in my opinion should NEVER EVER happen. It is bad enough you are splitting them from their bio parent/s but then splitting up a twin too is just cruel. I always told my daughter that if she ever ended up getting pregnant not to panic- I would take that child and keep it with their biological family, I would never want my own flesh and blood given away.

But what if your daughter wanted to terminate the pregnancy, or wanted to give it up for adoption?

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is right... for any woman, that is their decision. It isn't right for somebody, or some group, with heavy negativity and an agenda, to be able to think that they should have too much influence.

 

[jodifla]

I was adopted in the South in the '60s, so I pretty much knew the score. I did not have a desire to search while my adoptive parents were alive, believing that they were the people who did the actual hard work of parenting, and I didn't want them to doubt my devotion.

After both were gone, I tried reaching out to the state I was born in, but they were difficult and it was going to be expensive to try and find my birth parents. So I put that aside until Ancestry's DNA test.

It took some time, but I was able to find the identity of my birth parents, both of who were deceased. And I found that I was not an only child, but actually had four half-siblings. Three of the four were very eager to meet. On my mother's side, I went to a family gathering at the family home where my mother grew up. I met aunts, cousins, etc. I saw the land where we would have all played together, grown up together.

And I saw for the first time the physical connection between me and other blood relatives. My height, my coloring, my eyes, my nose -- even my teeth. All around me, for the first time, were the links I'd been missing.

The experience has changed my mind about adoption. Before, I saw only the upsides. Now, I see how much I lost not growing up in a community of my blood family. I wrote that off for almost 60 years, since there was nothing I could do about it. But now it's hard not to think of all I missed. (I do realize I would have missed quite a bit if I hadn't grown up with my adoptive parents -- I wouldn't have been jodiFLA, for example.)

The truth of the matter is that now that the DNA tests are out there, people won't be keeping their birth children a secret anymore. People will have to realign their thinking on that. Will it lead to more abortions? Perhaps. But many of those women from the past were basically coerced into giving up their children. They were unmarried, and they community judged them and refused to support them. Anyone who wants to hear what was really like should read "The Girls Who Went Away."

I am grateful that I have the answers to my heritage now. I also have new siblings, aunts and cousins who are thrilled I found them.

And. my mother got to keep her secret.