Amy's Journal: Comments Welcome!

[lovinaz]

I agree 100% with what pearlieq said (I was also at your description of yourself, which I'm sure is extremely over-exaggerated). We have ALL been there, we all have something we hate about ourselves. It is hard, but you would never think to say something like that to another person, so don't say it to yourself either!

Did you get your walk in this morning? A haircut and new clothes go a long way. Be sure to make some effort before you leave the house, you will feel much better about yourself.

I think your 5lb goal by Jan 1 is perfect! And I know you will get back on track soon.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks ladies. I do feel better, although lets face it, there was nowhere to go but up on that front! I got a haircut and did get a walk in. Unfortunately, I balanced my checkbook (actually this was a good thing) and realized shopping isn't happening until payday! We have a birthday party tonight, I'll just have to forage through my closet and find something to wear. Its tough, all these women I know through this friend who is having the party, work. So they all have nice, fashionable clothes. Fifteen years of being home has been hard on my wardrobe. They are all thin too. Is the moral of the story I need some similar shaped, shabbily dressed friends to hang out with??? Maybe I need to run a personal ad: Fishwife seeking other fishwives to hang out with.

I spent some time yesterday over at my mom's getting a few more things. Stepdad is out of town and knew I was going over but I got a couple of items we hadn't talked about. I left him a voice mail on his cell explaing what I took (two old candy dishes, and some family photos) and hopefully he won't be mad. Its weird, these are things she had with my dad so I don't feel like I am stealing per se, yet they are things that are in his house. He never uses these things but sometimes he gets miffy about weird stuff. I offered to buy the items which made dh and my brother hit the roof. They don't feel I should have to buy a candy dish my mom and dad got as a wedding gift 54 years ago. Gotta love those blended family isses. For some unknown reason, stepdad has still refused to sign the paperwork willing the furniture my mom and dad had over to me and my siblings when he dies. Everybody keeps saying I need to get tough or go over with a moving van. I have no idea why he is balking on this. It would take an hour to sign this at the atty's office. Heck, he's already paid to have this done, he just needs to sign it and have it notarized and then filed with his will. It makes me sad, dd may not get the dining room furniture her Grammy so wanted her to have, my brother may not get the desk that belonged to our dad, etc. So I feel like, some of these little things, if I can go ahead and get now, I might as well. Dan says I am only reacting to somebody else's agenda. Its a weird situation to be in. I was happy to have the one little dish. Its such a silly thing, but my mom loved that thing. On Saturday nights, she and my dad would put some nuts in that bowl, and then have a "highball" in the living room just the two of them. It was their little date night ritual. So now its inside my china cabinet collectin dust, but you know what, better here than being thrown out by people who have no idea the story behind it.

I have this birthday party to get through tonight. And I am not weighing today, I have two conferences and we had an ice/snow storm in the night. The roads are horrible and I'd have to just weigh and leave to get to my conference on time. So I weighed at home and it looks like I lost a pound. So that's good. I have some healthy ideas for food the rest of the weekend. No eating out, other than the birthday party so that always helps.

I hope everybody has a nice weekend!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Happy Weekend all!

I had fun at the birthday party but did awful on food. Just way too much of the food I love, appetizers, birthday cake and beer! I finally stopped myself before I did even more damage.

Today was much better on the food front. Ds and I went to his reading teacher's memorial service. What an incredible woman she was. I must say, it made me realize yet again, how special life is. She will be sorely missed. Several of ds' other grade school teachers were there, they couldn't believe how grown up he was!

Before the service my friend and I and her daughter (they went with us as the daughter also had this teacher) stopped at Starbucks. I saw an old friend I have lost touch with at Starbucks, it was nice to see her but I was sad to see she had gained more weight. She and I had both always struggled with weight issues. I guess I was somewhat hoping she had won her battle. Just another reminder that its hard to lose weight and that I am not the only one that doens't always succeed. Which made me sad but also feel a bit better. Does that make any sense?

I have come to the conclusion that finding a job is going to be tougher than I thought. I have filled out applications, put out feelers, called an employment agency (they gave me the cheerful news I would be "really hard" to place) all to no avail. The fact I refuse to work nights or weekends make the retail front really hard to go after. So I have come up with Plan B (or is G?). I am going to clean houses. I did this years ago for a couple of friends of mine and then quit when my mom got sick. The thing is, I can make $25 an hour to do this, pick my own hours, work on my own (have I mentioned I do not like being with a bunch of people all day long, women in particular?) and make three times the hourly rate I can make standing at some retail place all day long. No need for nice clothes either. My friend (birthday girl from last night) said she would really love to have me do this for her, she works full time, has a huge house and just can't keep up. I mean, its not glamorous but the money is decent and hard work never killed anybody. When I did this before, once I got one gig, I got others and I am hoping that same thing happens this time as well. Not the best use of my college education but who cares? The extra money will come in handy and make me feel like I am contributing more towards my family. And dh is fine with this. Years ago when I did this he was mortified! I think the last few years, the things we have been through, my mom's death, his lay off, problems with ds, have all done for him what they have done for me. Made us realize life is too short to sweat the small stuff. What do I care if people find out? So that's the plan. Frankly, I can't handle anymore rejection on the job front, so hopefully my friend will get her husband to agree to this, spread the word and I can start in the near future. And if not, well, I'll have to come up with Plan C. In any case, I can do this for awhile (hopefully), in its own strange way it will make me feel better and I can reflect on maybe going back to school someday. I also hope to do some volunteering in the new year which is something I really miss. Its time for me to get busy again. Its been great having the last year to really get back into some sort of normal life. But its time to get back out there so to speak. I really hope this works out. It would make me feel so good to take some money I earned to take dh out to dinner some night or just give us a bit of breathing room. Maybe even pay off those darn orthodontal bills sooner! And of course, there are always trips to WDW that need to be financed and planned.

Okay, I am off to church. No walk today, but I told dh we are going tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be nice. Hope everybody is having a super weekend!

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Amy,

I am so proud of you for thinking outside of the box when it comes to your work situation. I think cleaning houses is a wonderful idea and I am praying that your business is very successful. You CAN do ANYTHING that you put your mind to, Amy!!!

I hear you about the full length mirror thing. We don't have one in our house. The only time I see myself in a full length mirror is when I try on clothes or when we are at WDW. Just remember...This is temporary. We are working on healthy living and with God's help, we will succeed.

Have a great week ahead, WISH sis!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks Tracy, I really love your "this is temporary" idea! It reiterates to me that this is not permanent (weight problem that is) unless I make it that way.

I doged the jury duty bullet today. I reported in and only had to stay an hour when me and 44 other people were not called to go up to the courtroom for questions by the judge. I was so relieved, it was a sexual assault case which would have been hard but also, I was worried about Dan getting the kids after school. He sometimes just can't get away from the office, so they were going to have to walk home, when it was nearing dark, across the stupid four lane busy street with no traffic signals. You'd think after a kid was killed on that stretch of road that after they put up the memorial sign with his name, they'd put up a light too. They go until 4:30 three days a week and with the time change, its getting dark. So I was glad. I have no problem serving on a jury, but I would have been really worried having them walk home. This is the joys of open enrollment, no bus, and walking across busy streets with no lights since we are going out of boundry from our home school. Oh well, problem solved.

Food yesterday was so so, I stayed in points but ate fast food for dinner. Today, I have a healthy day planned, except I am making a pie. Dd has her first junior high choir concert tonight and I told her we could come her afterwards for pie (stepdad is coming too). She picked chocolate, that's my girl! I am going to go ahead and post food to try to keep me legal for the day.

Breakfast: yogurt and a cereal bar
Lunch: pasta with marinara sauce and parmesan
Dinner: Broccoli and pork stir fry with rice
Snack: Chocolate cream pie

I have purposely figured low points today before the pie. I made the stir fry last night in case I was at jury duty all day. I am trying to get back on the pre planning wagon!

Hope everyone is having a nice day.

 

[lovinaz]

Great job pre-planning the pie treat! I'm sure you'll be able to stick to it since you've already written it down!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with cleaning houses. It's a job, and you can't beat the $$. And just think of all the extra exercise you'll get AND be getting paid for it!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Can I just say, chocolate creme pie is a very comforting thing? I may have to whip another one of those again very soon!

Dd's choir concert went well, although she didnt' appear to exactly be singing her heart out. Turns out she had a bad headache, and where she was standning, the spotlight was right in her eyes. I also think she might have been upset, not having her Grammy there tonight was tough. Stepdad did make it home in time to attend so that was good.

I did very well with food all day long and knowing that piece of pie was waiting for me at the end of the day was something to look forward to.

I didnt' work out AGAIN. I spent much of the afternoon on the phone with my sister. She is really on the verge with her finances. Her phone was cut off today which means she was also without internet. With her home based business that wasn't going to cut it so I called her carrier and got it paid. So not what I needed. It just never seems to end. I am pretty sure the only course for her is bankrupcy. Dan and I just can't help anymore. Our meager savings is gone now. God forbid we have an emergency because our emergency fund is shot. Stepdad nicely gave me a check tonight to cover half the phone bill. So that helps. I just don't know what else to do for her. Life is so not fair sometimes. In this past year, she has lost our mom, totaled her car, had her business tank and had lots of health problems associated with her MS. And of course she and my brother still don't speak. Meanwhile, I run around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to get them back together so to speak, and only end up stressing myself out. I miss my mom, in the old days she would have handled this situation far better than I can!

Tomorrow I plan to get in a walk if it kills me. I may go to the rec center. The weather is nice but I tend to do better there as I don't have to stop for traffic, neighbors and its level which is better for my knees.

Amy: You know you have a good point! Cleaning is good exercise so getting paid to burn some calories isn't a bad thing!

 

[CACruisin']

To you and all of your family . This holiday season is likely to be rough. Just take it as it comes and don't be hard on yourself.

Family stuff is really, really hard. DH's family used to always come to us for loans. He felt like he couldn't ever say no since it is "family". Finally, he realized that we were jeopardizing ourselves financially and we stopped making loans. The family members figured out other ways to get by. It must be hard when your sister has had so much misfortune, but ultimately she is a grown up. You can not take care of her indefinitely while risking your own family's security. You are going back to work to help your family. She needs to take care of herself. If that means bankrupcy, then so be it. I'm sorry if that came out harsh. It is not intended that way.

great job planning your day for your pie treat. That sounds wonderful. .

Cleaning houses is a great idea. It is a good workout and you will not be tempted by treats in the break room, vending machines, the well meaning intentions of co-workers or even the yummy things in your own kitchen. You can pack a snack/lunch for yourself and have total control over your food for the day. Who knows, maybe your college degree will help you be more effective even. It's honest work and that's what really counts. Take care WISH sis

 

[Amy&Dan]

Anna, thank you so much. It wasn't harsh, it was the truth. I talked with Dan last night and we both realized that we can help my sister by having her over for meals, giving her moral support and if God forbid she loses her home, she can come here to live. But that is all we can do. In this economy, anything can happen to any of us. We just can't do anything else financially. When I sat down and added up what whe had given her in the past year, it was pretty staggering. When you add in what stepdad has given her, plus what my brother loaned her (she did pay that back), it is obvious she is nowhere near making enough to survive. She needs to find a different job plain and simple. One that has a salary, because her commission only career isn't working for her. I also wrote off what my nephew owed me, I had loaned him a chunk back in July and told him to give the money to his mom instead which he did. Stepdad says the only help he will give her now is to give her the money to get an attorney and declare bankruptcy. If his kids ever find out he gave her all that money, it won't be pretty. Although he has helped them plenty through the years too, the one in particular. But still, I know that will just give them more ammo to work with. Oh well, they can rest assured the condo my mom's retirement savings made possible, is all going to them. The three of us, won't get a thing out of that.

Okay, enough of that! Anna, again, thank you, that is just what I needed to hear to reinforce that its okay to bow out. At this point, I am praying for her to recover financially and that is all I can do from here on out.

I ate McDonald's for lunch. I plan to figure the points but I got stressed and fell back on old habits. Tomorrow is weigh in, I plan to go and give myself a fresh start. And maybe it wont' be so bad! I'll post weigh in results tomorrow.

I'll go ahead and post today's food:

Breakfast: Slim Fast
Lunch: plain chicken sandwich, small french fry, small diet coke
Snack: ff/sf yogurt, 1 cup grapes
Dinner: 1 cup of homemade mac and cheese, 2 cups romaine, 1/2 cup dieced tomatoes and 2 tb light dressing

I made the mac and cheese using my mom's old recipe but I cut the butter in half, used skim milk, whole grain pasta and reduced the cheese by 1/3. I really don't like lowfat cheese when its cooked so I just cut the amount down to save calories. Hopefully it will taste as good as my mom's!

And I did get a 30 minute walk in today so that was something. And I also didn't touch the leftover pie. There was two small pieces left, the kids can have that when they get home. I'll also add, I made that with skim milk and a lowfat grahm cracker crust instead of a traditional pie crust. So that definitely cut the fat down with that recipe.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hello all.

Not much to report. Food has been spotty, exercise not too good and I am just sort of on autopilot getting through this week, Thursday in particular.

Had the whole family over on Saturday for stepdad's 84th. Not fun AT ALL. He and my sister were being real pills, I don't know what's worse. When those two can't get along and I get caught in the middle of that or when they are all chummy and come up with immature ways gang up on the rest of us! I would think that age 84 and given what we as a family have been through, stepdad could come up with better ways to interract and behave. My sister called today, I think to feel me out to see if I was mad. I was nice, why bother to try to talk it out with her? I could get further in life banging my head up against a wall! I just need to get through this week and then I won't have to deal with her or stepdad until Christmas Day. I cannot wait for Dan's aunt and cousin to get here. It will be nice to do some fun things with them and since they don't play immature little games and both loved and admired my mom and enjoy reminiscing about her it will be a nice break from my own family! I am also thankful for my brother. Although why is it the one sane person in my family lives 1000 miles away? Something isn't right there!

I plan to weigh in on Wednesday morning. I never did go last week. And I am thinking of setting some sort of exercise challenge for myself to get through Christmas. In fact, I should do that right NOW!! Hmm, lets see. I think I will do this: Exercise every day for at least 20 minutes through December 21st. I sort of like the sound of that. Dh's family gets here on the 21st. And that is not too time consuming to try to do that each day. Okay, I have a plan! I sort of already feel better. And I am still going to try to lose five pounds by my birthday. One month to go for that!

 

[toystoryduo]

Amy,

Sending prayers your way for your day tomorrow. I hope that everyone behaves ( ) and that you have a nice Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks so much Tracy.

I survived the first major holiday since my mom died and that's about all I can say. It was fine, I enjoyed being with everyone but my sister and I didn't gel too well on Thursday (she came down Wednesday and spent the night and that was nice at least). I just get sick of trying to figure out what the hell I always do wrong. She probably feels the same way. Today, we deocrated my stepdad's place and finished our decorating. I came home with a lot of stuff of my mom's that stepdad didn't want which was good because I had planned to take it anyway. I got that all sorted and boxed up the stuff for my brother and sister. I think that may really be the end of that. There really isn't much of anything left other than furniture and who knows if we will ever get that.

Tomorrow we are taking the kids to a movie.

Dh and I did walk on Thanksgiving but I didn't walk, Tuesday or Wednesday. So much for my little challenge. Maybe I"ll just give myself a do over on that one! I did spend both of those days and today doing a lot of going up and down the stairs, cleaning, laundry and basically on my feet all of those days. So that ought to count for something!

I plan to weigh in next Friday. I have a friend who is doing WW too and she is going to that meeting and I may give it a try. Maybe a change will do me good on the WW front.

I did pretty well with food today. I could have done way worse given the leftovers I have in my house right now.

I just really, really, REALLY want to do well the next four weeks before Christmas. Its going to be tough, I have four parties to get thorugh but am determined they will be isolated incidents!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

 

[toystoryduo]

I am sending a gentle your way today, Amy. I'm glad that Thanksgiving went okay for you. Please know that I will be praying for you throughout the holiday season...I know how much you miss your mom.

I hope you enjoy the movie today. Are you going to see Bolt? My kids really want to see that.

Please be sure and take extra special, good care of you over the next few weeks. Be easy on yourself during the holiday season.

Have a great weekend!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks Tracy, I need all the hugs I can get today.

We enjoyed yesterday's movie, we saw Four Christmases. Not the most apporpriate kid movie but at 12 and 14, they hear worse stuff at school! It was really funny, I just needed something to make me laugh. And the content regarding dysfunctional families you'd like to avoid was perfect. Especially given the fact that Dan had a tiff with his dad today. I guess fil wanted to come and stay here for a week at Christmas. Now this is the man who has basically not bothered to make any effort whatsoever for Dan's entire life. He and Dan's mom had a hideously ugly divorce, the kids got pulled in, Dan doesn't see his mom, his brother doesn't see his dad and its not exactly The Waltons in that family at the holidays. Dan basically said to me, he just can't handle it, its always a complete horror story when his dad does come out here (its been five years) and that given his health, he has absolutely no business coming out to this altitude. He is in congestive heart failure, can't really walk or breathe and I do think if he came out here he'd end up dead or in the hospital. I felt bad but basically, it was Dan's call. We did both wonder later on if maybe fil has gotten some sort of bad news on the medical front and wants some sort of closure. No idea. Since the man is incapable of communicating, we'll probably never know.

I told Dan I was sorry his dad was so upset with him (when Dan told him it woudln't work, fil basically hung up on him) to which Dan replied, "well now he knows what it feels like to be rejected." I have to say I was pretty proud of my husband. He handled it. He was nice but honest and he doesn't appear to feel guilty at all. I feel bad for fil, yet, we all sort of reap what we sow.

Families! I am telling you, this sort of thing really makes me appreciate Dan's aunt and cousin, my brother and his wife and all our other normal relatives. Its amazing how my sister and Dan's dad, just two people can really wreak havoc with life in general. But only if we let them.

I did really awful with food today. Awful with a capital A kind of awful. Two pieces of pecan pie kind of awful. Oh well, at least the pie is now gone. I walked yesterday and already have my workout clothes and shoes and my Ipod all ready to go for tomorrow morning. I am going to the rec center. Dan and I were going to walk today at the rec center (we had a mini blizzard here) but then the call from fil sort of derailed that. I am still determined to get something going for December. I am gonna lose five pounds if it kills me! And can I just say, I can't wait for 2009? I am really thinking about my goals for getting healthy. I did some good things in 2008. I didn't gain any weight. In that I weigh a bit less now than I did at the beginning of the year. I went to the doctor for a full workup. I got my husband more active. So I feel like I made some positive steps but need to make a few more to sort of bring this all together. Lets face it, I didn't have a great year. I can't beat myself up for not getting to goal yet again. I still believe I can do this. In fact, I know I will. I simply refuse to believe I will be fat forever.

In fact, a funny thing happened in my closet yesterday. I was sorting through stuff. I pulled out a tee shirt to wear for cleaning and my first thought was "I shouldn't weat this to clean, that shower cleaner has bleach in it and it could ruin it and I'll need that shirt next summer". But then I just thought to myself, "oh who cares, by next summer that shirt will be way too big". I believe myself when I say that. I had better be right!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Well its Monday, a new week! I forgot that I am supposed to go to lunch at one of my Alzheimer's Support Group friend's house. We were supposed to have a Christmas party with families but couldn't find a date that worked. So some of the women are just going to do lunch today. This sort of messes up my plans to workout first thing since she lives aways away and I woudln't have time to get to the rec center, workout, come home, change and shower and get there by 11:00. So I decided I would simply go to lunch in my workout clothes and walk afterwards. I am also going to leave early and stop by Subway for a nice, healthy sandwich. This friend is quite the baker and it wouldn't surprise me if she has something all nice and freshly made. So I am going to have to be strong and have just one or two bites and thats it.

I was reading a trip report last night on the Disneyland board. We decided to book a trip with our DVC points for next October to Disneyland and I am so excited. The last trip to Disneyland was when we went just four days after my mom died, total disaster and Dan and I decided we want to go back. We plan to drive and maybe see the Grand Canyon on the way back. Anyway, I read this very cute young woman's trip report and she had a ton of nice pictures posted. She was really detailed and even had pics of what she and her mom ate. Now this girl is young, her mom looks young too (maybe my age give or take) and they both either split a meal or got their own kids meal. Just a reminder that people who are "naturally" thin are generally "naturally" disciplined more than just lucky. When I think about how much crap I can devour on a Disney trip, it made me realize that I would eat a bit more like that, I'd probably look like this gal and her mom as opposed to the way I do.

Okay, I will post food tonight. Dh is working late and I plan to make a big salad for the kids and I to eat along with our turkey soup I made from the leftovers.

 

[lovinaz]

Hang in there!

Holidays are tough - food, relatives, stress... You will get through it! I like how you are focusing on the positives from this year, and the fact that your t-shirt will be too big next year!

Congrats on the Disneyland trip! When in Oct are you going? Starting next year my kids get a whole week off for Oct Break (instead of Thu-Fri). Disneyland might be an option

I thought of you when I was putting up my winter "wonderland". I could have sworn I had more villagers, then DH reminded me that Buckley ate some last year... What kind of dog eats ceramic people?? A beagle apparently...

 

[goldcupmom]

I'm glad Thanksgiving went ok. Mini-Blizzard sounds WONDERFUL about now! I LOVE SNOW!!!

Good job getting your exercise & and the positive outlook for next year.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks Amy and Julie.

Julie: We are snowy and freezing here, but this time of year I love it. A month from now, not so much!

Amy: We will be in Disneyland from October 24th to October 30th. That would be so wonderful if you were there too! And beagles I am afraid eat ANYTHING!

I have been doing really well with food and exercise this week. It was 22 degrees here yesterday afternoon and I managed to get in two walks. I walked myself for half hour at the track and then dh and I went for a walk at our outside mall last night. We had the place to ourselves since nobody in their right mind was out in that cold! By the time he and I walked, it was 19 with a windshill of 5! But I got an hour in total yesterday which was very good. I came home just starving, I really wanted to eat but took a hot bath instead. Then went to bed only to be so starving I couldn't sleep. I decided that I must be really hungry not just in the mood to snack so I had a bowl of cereal and slept like a baby after that.

Today I plan to keep busy getting ready for our get together tomorrow night. I am making all kinds of appetizers and some Christmas cookies. None of it particularly healthy! But I don't care, I am looking forward to this and I want to pull out the stops. I plan to eat what I want and just get back on track on Saturday. Here's hoping!

Yesterday was on the one year anniversary of when we found out the cancer had spread all over my mom's body. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I didn't want to her to do that chemo because I knew she couldn't handle it and I just felt that with her alzheimers advancing, what was the use? But the doctor of course managed to talk her into that and a non FDA approved drug that I am convinced killed her three or four months before the cancer would have. Can I just say I am so glad its not then. When Dan and I walked last night at our outdoor mall, I remembered that a year ago that night, I had come there and done some shopping, feeling so sad knowing that my mom's end would be a bad one. It was surreal, finishing up my Christmas shopping that night, seeing all the happy shoppers, kids on Santa's lap knowing that just a few miles away my mom was dying and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. And I also remember wondering where I would be in my life the next Chirstmas. Last night, walking with my husband, feeling like I was making effort on my own health's behalf and knowing my mom is in a better place reminded me that life does go on and that God always has a plan and never leaves us. A year ago it didn't feel that way, but at this point, I can say we all came out pretty well. So a year later, here I am. Same outdoor mall. Same overweight body. But I do feel like I am in an okay place.

I weigh in tomorrow. I am hopeful but not optimistic. The bad choices I have made in the last few weeks and not getting on track with exercise until the past week probably won't bear well on the scale. But I am okay with that. My birthday is three weeks from today and I still hope to lose 5 pounds. My goals are seldom achieved but I just can't stop setting them. I feel like when I don't , it will mean I don't believe I can do this. And if I get to that point, I shudder to think how it will turn out for me!

I have managed to get what looks like three very good housecleaning jobs lined up for the New Year. I also have a possible babysitting thing, where I would keep my daycare boy from last year on school holidays and during the summer sometimes. I hope so. Aside from the money, I really miss that little boy! His mom and I have gotten to be good friends so I keep up with him but don't see him that often. He always loved Daisy so much and now he has his own Beagle, so clearly I was a good influence on him!

Thanks for reading. Just four weeks until a new year and I plan to keep doing what I am doing then really get in gear. Frankly, I can't wait.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Well, clearly I haven't journaled in quite awhile. This happens to me each year, December hits and as it progresses I just seem to get caught up in all things but staying healthy.

Food has been so so some days and downright awful other days. Eating too much junk and not enough good stuff. I did throw out the remaining leftovers from Friday night's party that I had. I had a super time with my friends and enjoyed my efforts in the kitchen! Got on the scale and it looks like I am up a pound or two so clearly I did indeed enjoy myself! I also haven't been exercising enough. We have had stomach flu with both kids and I haven't gotten it per se but haven't been feeling that great either. I was running a low fever yesterday and felt like I would get sick, but today I feel fine. So, I am going to try to walk today. Its been snowy and freezing cold so my outdoor walks have been non existant. So I have done a few short walks on the treadmill. That thing kills my knees. I am going to try for the rec center today. Good news is that my shopping is done and the basement is ready and waiting for dh's family's visit. I steamed the carpet and scrubbed every inch of that guest area (there's a bedroom, full bath and living room) down there. I still feel bad it was such a pig sty when the stayed down there when my mom died. So I made up for it! And I told my kids if they go down there and mess it up, I'll have their hides!

I have been really good about drinking my water. Somehow I had slacked off with that lately. I have been feeling better just flushing my system out. I also decided to not bake so many cookies this year. None of us need them and its simply stupid to pretend I can make them and not eat them. I told each kid to pick their favorite and I would make that.

I had an upsetting phone call from stepdad on Friday. He no longer wishes to exchange gifts with any of us which sort of blew me away. Its not about the gifts at all, but rather just another nail in the coffin of our relationship. He mentioned he is happier than he's been in years. While I understand its a relief for him to not be caring for my mom and seeing her suffer, its hard to hear him talk about how much better his life is with Ruth, his new significant other. Frankly, I hope they get married, then I can get the last of my mom and dad's furniture out of that condo and just be done with it. He also hurt Dan's feelings. He had agreed to let Dan have the Department 56 Christmas village of my mom's. Dan has always been the one to set that up for her, he and my mom really got into the the collection of that and she tried to give it to him last year but he woudln't take it. But this year, it was to be his (Dan's) and he was really excited to have that from my mom. But at the last minute stepdad wouldn't let him have it. I just kept my mouth shut. I hope we get it after Christmas. She always wanted Dan to have that and then pass it on to our kids. Just another thing that may go to Good Will when stepdad's sons clean out his stuff someday.

This whole experience has made me rethink the concept of remarriage. I now think when two people who have had previous marriages and have kids from that marriage get married, they need to have a prenup with EVERY single thing spelled out. I don't like the way on many things stepdad has said "well go ahead and take it" but then when I go to get it, he acts upset. Or tells me his sisters are wondering why I am taking these things. It ironic because for years, he complained about all the stuff my mom had and when she was dying and couldn't argue, he was basically begging me to get things cleaned out and ot of there. Now that she's gone, he acts weird about this. Some things he has been fine on, others not so much. Its hard to know if its wrong to take some of these things or not. And I should add, he still has a housefull of furniture. Anything he and my mom bought together, is obviously his. The things I have gotten thus far are things that she had with my dad. I know he was married to my mom for 19 years but some of this stuff belonged to my grandparents for God's sake, people he didn't know. I am to the point I may just ask, how much it will take for us to buy these things from him. Its a dining room set, a chest of drawers and a small desk. The chest of drawers and desk he doesn't need as the drawers sit empty and he doesn't use or like the desk. Those are things my brother and sister want. The dining room set I'd feel like I need to replace even though he doesn't' use it. But it would leave a big empty space in that room. That is supposed to go do my daughter, who at 12 clearly has no use for it now, but I worry that if we don't get it soon, stepdad's sons will end up with it. I never thought this would happen in our family. You see this in other families, but never think it can happen in your own. I really see the influence his kids are having on him. I always thought how sad it is when families argue over money or possessions after a death and didn't understand why. Boy, I get it now.

I just remember the last week of my mom's life. She asked me to help her out to her living room. I was sort of surprised, she was so weak, but she insisted so stepdad and I managed to get her out there. She looked all around and said "I loved my home" and she touched a few things one last time. I might add, all the things she had with my dad were the things she would touch or comment on. She was smiling and just seemed to be taking it in one last time. As we walked through the dining room on the way back to her hospital bed in the bedroom, she looked up at me and said "you tell Maria to cook lots of good dinners and serve them on that table and remember me". She never got up again. And now I may not be able to pass that table onto my daughter because some senile old fart wants to play tough with me.

Okay, sorry to rant. If you are still reading, thanks for coming this far!

In the New Year I plan to use my journal to write about my weight and nutrition, not a place to whine about my life!

I am really excited about 2009. I am determined that this is going to be my year to make it happen. I feel like I have all the pieces of the puzzle, I just need to put them all together now. In three years I have managed to take off only around 15 pounds. At one point that number was more like 35 pounds. But if I look at other three year increments of my life, I was up sometimes 25 or even 50 pounds in that time frame. So I have to celebrate that. That I managed to lose weight, keep some of it off and I haven't given up.

 

[pearlieq]

Hi,

I wish I had time for more than a hit-and-run, but that always the way it goes.

I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you a lot over the next couple of days and sending lots of good thoughts your way. We're all with you.

Take good care of yourself.

P.S. Your stepdad can go stick his elbow in his ear!