Another Family Issues Thread: Not Saying Thank You for a Gift

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by Pink Partridge, Jan 11, 2018.

  1. MIGrandma

    MIGrandma Lives in the middle-of-the-mitten.

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    I don't mind receiving a standard pre-printed thank you, at least it's some form of thank you. :)

    See, I don't mind a single statement on FB. At least they bothered with some sort of thank you. Better than nothing I think.
     
  2. NFLDERS

    NFLDERS Canada

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    OR, on the bone discard plate!! :teeth:
     
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  4. Bianca and Bernard

    Bianca and Bernard DIS Veteran

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    BTDT. I told the parents why I stopped giving to their kids...not even a phone call to say thanks, or a muttered 'thank' when the gifts were given in person. (I'm not talking younger kids, btw. I mean these were 13 year olds, who should have known by then to thank someone for a gift.)

    I was called a "bad person". I was told 'your kids don't tell us thank you'.

    I said "thank you for what? The cards or gifts that you DON'T send them???" (Yep, I was called out for my kids not thanking their aunts and uncles for cards and gifts they never received.)
     
  5. georgina

    georgina DIS Veteran

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  6. georgina

    georgina DIS Veteran

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    He's 25 and I can't MAKE him do anything! He's also somewhat Asperger's in that he doesn't read emotion well. He's not a brat, it is just him. He will go a month without calling me if I don't text him to say 'call your Mom!' Grandma doesn't care, since her lung cancer surgery a decade ago she has lost any emotional reactions to anything.
     
  7. JaneBanks

    JaneBanks Lime Cordial, delicious!

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    I totally agree. So much drama could be avoided if people weren't so afraid to talk to each other.
     
  8. dreamin_disney

    dreamin_disney DIS Veteran

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    It's your money do what you want.

    here's some ideas for those going through it. Send a set of Thank you cards and gradually cut down gift amount or just send $20-$25and set of card-lol! Rude of your sister law , you should have told her the Thank you card they sent you also got lost
     
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  9. ols386

    ols386 I want to live at Disney World!!

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    I didn’t read all the replies, but yes when someone sends/gives you a gift, you say thank you.

    I probably would have gone ahead and sent gifts for this past Christmas, and then followed up with them, making sure they received the gifts and inquiring as to why they hadn’t acknowledged the gifts.

    The SIL was definitely rude.
     
  10. Jennasis

    Jennasis DIS life goes on

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    Oh man, I would have taken a slightly different tack...When sister inquired if the money had been sent (all worried for YOU of course) I would have said "Of course I did! I sent cash...Didn't they get it??"
     
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  11. Dawnlight

    Dawnlight DIS Veteran

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    I haven't read the entire thread, so maybe this has been touched on. I wouldn't necessarily blame the parents. You know how kids are; the parents might be hounding them to send a thank you note, but the kids don't do it. I know that as a parent myself, I have over the years had to do it myself, and just get the kid to sign their name, but that gets old pretty quick. It doesn't come naturally for them to send a thank you note immediately. I do, sometimes, have them call their grandparent to thank them. I hope that counts. It's just one more thing for me to have to manage, and honestly, I'm tapped out. I think this piece resonated with me http://www.scarymommy.com/never-write-me-a-thank-you-note/

    Also, as a caring and loving aunt, you could do some persuasive "parenting", too. I will never forget getting an awesome gift one year from a grandparent. I loved it SO much, was so excited, I started to ask all sorts of questions, "Where did you get it?" "How much did it cost?" I was promptly put in my place and told that it wasn't polite to ask how much a gift cost. It had never occurred to me before that it wasn't a question to ask. Sometimes the best message a kid can get is one that comes from someone other than the parent.
     
  12. sk!mom

    sk!mom DIS Veteran

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    I look at it a bit differently. In the instances where I have stopped giving due to lack of acknowledgement, it has been more due to the realization that I was giving gifts to try to maintain a relationship that clearly only existed in my mind. The recipients weren't invested enough to even acknowledge the gift, any of my own or my children's special days, or maintain contact at all. I never heard from them ever and only saw them at large family get togethers. I decided that it was really silly and maybe even a little desperate on my part to send gifts in those cases. I love gift giving and it freed me up to do more for those who really are "present" in my life.

    At least, no one has been so rude as to ask where their gift was .
     
  13. FlightlessDuck

    FlightlessDuck Y kant Donald fly?

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    Ok, yeah, I understand that.
     
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  14. sk!mom

    sk!mom DIS Veteran

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    I see it differently. If she sees your MIL's money going out to people who do not acknowledge the gift or check in with her on a regular basis then I wouldn't send them either.

    If she can no longer handle her own finances, then I assume she is also very socially isolated. Your SIL no doubt sees her isolation and hopes that this will "force" some to get in touch with grandma. Very sad that she has to try and manipulate that contact but not wrong on her part.
     
  15. jrmasm

    jrmasm Last time I checked, it was still

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    I would. They're the parents. It's their job to manage and teach their children. Too bad so sad if they're tired. Most people are.

    It's easy really. Hold the gift 'hostage' until the thank you is taken care off. That requires no effort on the parent's part.
     
  16. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    Yes, tweens and teens need pushing. But the parent needs to push. In the OP's case, she *never* got an acknowledgement--even with the kids were really young and it wasn't an "older kid" attitude issue.
     
  17. mousefanmichelle

    mousefanmichelle DIS Veteran

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    I think you were very generous to begin with and the kids probably did notice that you didn't send something this year as they have come to probably expect it. They probably did say something to their mom and she reached out to you. The sil was rude for sure! You don't have to explain yourself to her just say sorry no gifts this year. Your explanation would probably be lost on her anyway since she never enforced the thank you rule to her children. You can't fix stupid (your sil).
     
  18. North of Mouse

    North of Mouse DIS Veteran

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    Oh, yes, you bet I do blame the parents! If you don't show them that 'you' appreciate gifts enough for them to say thank you (as littles) then you are the problem. Don't wait until they are teenagers. How much of your time does it take for that? There are many things that you 'must' make the time to teach your children. No excuses!

    Withhold their 'gifts' until it's done, maybe that will get the message across at their ages now.

    Also, you'd pass the buck, so to speak, and let the aunt parent and do your job!
     
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  19. Pink Partridge

    Pink Partridge Mouseketeer

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    UPDATE: Spoke with DH last night. Let him know what happened with SIL and email. He read the emails and actually seemed relieved that I have finally been pushed to the point that I realize this relationship with his sister and family is not worth the work I have invested in it.

    He wrote her an email that was short and sweet. Basically said "You have never thanked anyone for a thing that has been given to you. Don't you realized that is wrong? You have some nerve asking where your kids' gifts are. We are not pandering to you any longer."

    And that was that. We had a glass of wine and played Yahtzee with our kids. It was a nice evening and I went to bed feeling better than I did yesterday morning. Woke up expecting a retaliation email, but nothing. So hopefully it's all over now.
     
  20. Christine

    Christine Would love to be able to sit on

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    Wow, that was a pretty to-the-point email.
     
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  21. goofy4tink

    goofy4tink No tags...not needed! Transportation moderator Moderator

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    Good for your dh!!!! It's wonderful that he backed you up. Yes, I was the one sending an email to see if a gift to my dd had been lost in the mail. My dh's brother and sister-in-law had always been very generous with our dd. But, then one Christmas, no card, no anything. I was concerned, so I checked. Seems that they had decided that once they got to college, gift giving was stopped! Oh, well we didn't get the memo. I felt stupid, to say the least. They were very generous with their college graduation gift though. But, sometimes you just have to check!!!
    For my kids, a thank you note was always written. If they thanked the person, right then and there, great. No note needed. I told them that if someone could take the time and make the effort to send them a gift, they could take the time to write a thank-you note!!! I supplied the notes, and stamps. If they didn't write a note, I reached out and told the gift giver that no future gifts would be expected due to my child's lack of good manners. Only needed to do that once!!
     

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